RuPaul’s Drag Race: Starrbootylicious

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Shangela went home.  Probably because her middle name is LaQuifa.  And queefing should get you sent home.

We start with a montage of our contestants waking up, getting dressed, and brushing their teeth.  They then head into the workroom where Shangela left a sweet note on the mirror in lipstick.  Tyra Sanchez immediately wipes it off because “She’s gone.  She won’t need this anymore.  This is my station.”  Drag queens are cutthroat.

After receiving a “she-mail” about “making it rain, Thurston Howell, III, walks into the workroom.  Mercy.  Why is RuPaul wearing a red ascot?  He tells them that this week’s episode will let the contestants walk a mile in his heels.  The mini challenge will involve teams of two, so everyone picks a partner.  No one picks Mystique, so she’ll be working alone.  Haters.  The challenge is to turn RuPaul Barbie dolls into “bad girls.”

While working on her mini-makeover, Nicole Paige Brooks reveals that she misses her two and a half year old son.  WHAT?!?!  First Tyra, now Nicole?  Since when did drag queens procreate?

These dolls all have names (ShaQuonda, Wild Whore, Shafreeforal, Cynthia, Cherry, and Lady Mahem), and they all look a mess:  doll titties hanging out, shortest of short skirts, missing teeth, you name it.  RuPaul picks Pandora Boxx and Sahara Davenport’s doll “Shafreeforal” as the winner.

The main challenge is inspired by Ru’s movie Starrbooty, which I have never seen and will likely never see.  The girls will compete in two teams as burlesque dancers.  Because Pandora and Sahara won the Barbie doll challenge, they are the team captains.  They pick their teams, and Nicole Paige Brooks is the last one chosen.  Raven says that this is because, “This is a sexy contest, and she [Nicole] is not sexy.”  Ha!  Four year olds and drag queens always tell the truth.

• Team Pandora Boxx: Morgan McMichaels, Sonique, Raven, Tatianna, Nicole Paige Brooks
• Team Sahara Davenport: Jessica Wild, Jujubee, Tyra Sanchez, Mystique Summers Madison

There is the drag equivalent of a demolition derby as the contestants claim their fabrics.  Miss Tyra tries to take over Team Sahara, complaining about how she doesn’t like the team’s fabric choices and how she wasn’t chosen by Pandora Boxx. The rest of the team tries to set her straight.

To assist in the challenge, two “performers” are going to give the ladies a crash course in burlesque.  When I say performer, I mean stripper.  Tyra shows her ass again by complaining that she is too good to participate in slutty things.  She also refuses to rehearse in heels.  Later, when Ru comes in to check on the progress of the costumes, Tyra is asleep on the couch.  I used to like this one, but she’s a bit of a bitter pill.

The next day, the performers will demonstrate their skills at a real strip club in front of a group of 100% men.  When we see them, it’s clear that these are 100% gay men.  The teams will have to try to raise as much money from the crowd as possible.  Kim Coles and Dita von Teese are assisting with the judging.  RuPaul reveals a twist that while one team is working the stage for dollars, the other team will be selling cherry pie gift certificates on the street.

Team Pandora takes the stage, and they are trash exemplified.  Sonique makes it rain several times.  Morgan, who resembles Christina Aguilera from “Dirty,” looks at home on a pole.  Nicole Paige Brooks, on the other hand, looks awkward and uncoordinated.

Meanwhile, Team Sahara works the streets.  They are loud and funny, with Tyra being less like a sourpuss than earlier.  When the teams switch, we see Team Pandora’s cherry pie strategy: abusing people.  Sonique, in particular, is flat out rude.  Tatianna is embarrassed by her teammates, as she should be.

Team Sahara is a fun mess on the stage.  Mystique deserves a lot of the credit for that because a big girl can and will work it.  She’s big.  She knows that she has to work it twice as hard as the skinny girls.  And Miss Mystique shows them how it’s done when she jumps from the pole platform onto the stage and lands in the splits.  Sahara looks like she is making a small fortune from the crowd.

Back in the workroom, Nicole Paige Brooks complains that someone stole her “Drag Mama’s” picture.  The episode takes a strange, sobering turn when Pandora Boxx and Jujubee bond over how both of their fathers have/had cancer.  Yikes.

Main Stage time. Miss Ru is a ginge today, and, honey, she looks flawless.  Dita is wearing a feather on her head.  Ru explains that the contestants were instructed to wear their “high class drag” to the main stage today.  Here we go!

• Sonique looks like Barbara Mandrell to me.   I’m amazed how such an ugly guy can make such a beautiful woman.
• Jessica Wild looks like a Mardi Gras float ruffles, feathers, gloves.  Just call it the Krewe of Mess float.
• The judges say Raven looks like Dark Lady, and I can’t give a better description than that.  She has on a long black wig, and her gown is black and slinky.  Raven looks pretty great.
• Sahara looks like Sheree Whitfield in a blue sequin gown.
• Pandora Boxx is wearing some cheap ass piece of polyester with matching shoes.  What was she thinking?
• Jujubee is dressed like Crystal Carrington, and she looks great!
• Nicole Paige Brooks keeps saying that she looks like a model.  You’ve got to be kidding me.
• Mystique looks like Nell Carter at the Emmy’s.
• Morgan McMichaels decided not to wear a gown to stand out.  Instead, she decided to dress like an extra from Working Girl.  Seriously, there is nothing modern or high end to this look.
• Tyra Sanchez puts all of the other hos to shame.  I just have to link to the photo because my words will never do it justice.
• Tatianna is wearing a cheap purple dress, but there is no denying that she makes a pretty, pretty girl.

Ru informs us that Sahara’s team is the winning team and that Sahara, herself, is the individual winner.  She wins immunity next week and a $1500 gift certificate to SequinQueen.com.  Yes, Sequin Queen.  The website’s motto:  Sparkle, Anytime!

As the losers, Team Pandora gets abused by the judges.  During judging, one of Ru’s boobs appears to be wandering off in the direction of her armpit.  Ultimately, we learn that Nicole Paige Brooks made the least amount of money, and Raven made the second least.  As such, those two will have to LIP SYNC FOR THEIR LIVES.

As soon as the music starts, it’s clear that Nicole is going to lose tonight.  She can’t hold a candle to Raven, who actually pulled her falsie out on stage to powder her nose.  Sure enough, Shante, Raven stays while Nicole Paige Brooks sashays away.  All drag is not created equal, friends.

To tide you over until next week, head on over to Logo’s website, and send someone you love a RuPaul’s Drag Race Valentine’s Day e-card.  It lets you show you care without spending any money.

Season 2, Episode 2: Starrbootylicious (originally aired February 8, 2010)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Logo Online and Mathu Anderson.