The Amazing Race: Such that, in South Africa

Dating models?  Check.  Parent/child hoping to bond?  Check.  Phil Keoghan’s dry delivery? Check.  Half-eaten heart-shaped box of chocolates bought at 50% off from local drugstore to be shoved into mouth while sipping a glass of $12 Bordeaux as I write this review? Check, and check.

It’s time for The Amazing Race!

First, our teams:

Brent & Caite, “dating models from South Carolina”

So, there’s this.

Caite says that everyone thinks she’s ignorant, and she’s going to change our minds.  Sure, she may change my mind.  Or, she may also conform to my pre-conception of a South Carolina beauty queen in such a way that will make me feel comforted that all I know about the world is true and correct.  We’ll just have to see, won’t we?

Jet & Cord, “brothers from Oklahoma”

They are professional cowboys.  They are young and fit.  They wear big hats.  Their names are “Jet” and “Cord.”  Shouldn’t they be on the cover of one of these novels?

Steve & Allie, “father and daughter from Southern California”

He was a professional coach of the Philadelphia Phillies.  He’s trying to bond with his daughter, who says nothing whatsoever during their intro, or, much of anything when they wander into a stranger’s house later. (See below.)

Dan & Jordan, “brothers from Rhode Island”

They are very similar in ways, and very different in others.  Which is Dan’s way of saying he’s not gay.  Really.  And, in case you’re not clear, the gay one is the one in the bright yellow headband.

Dana & Adrian, “high school sweethearts, married 17 years”

They are happily married, even though he lost all of their savings in a business venture.  Perhaps he was going to make it all back by propelling them to victory on the Race?  Oops.

Jordan & Jeff, “dating long distance”

. . .and reality TV whores.  Met on Big Brother.  ‘Nuff said.

Jody & Shannon, “grandmother and granddaughter, both tri-athletes”

This season, the Race is going to try and give a septuagenarian an actual shot at winning by pairing one with her granddaughter.  Jody seems likable enough, but, c’mon, we all know she’s not winning.

Louie & Michael, “undercover detectives from Rhode Island”

Undercover?  Really?  Really?

Monique & Shawne, “best friends and attorneys”

Or, as they are determined to call themselves, “mompreneurs”.  Cause even though they are moms, they don’t just sit on their butts.  Get it?  GET IT???

Joe & Heidi, “married parents from El Segundo, California”

Heidi describes Joe as “very confrontational”, which I’m pretty sure is code for He’s Going To Yell At Me During Challenges In Ways That Make The Viewer Uncomfortable.

Carol & Brandy, “dating from Los Angeles”

Lesbians with short, impossibly cute haircuts.  Their intro shows them boiling lobsters and talking about shopping at Louis Vuitton.  Just in case you were worried lesbians meant gluten-free diets and ill-fitting knee shorts.

So, no cars this time around.  They’re in L.A., and they’ve got to use public transportation to get to the airport and take one of two flights to Santiago, Chile.  Right off, Carol interviews that public transportation to “us” is “not using the valet parker.”  Heh.  Shawne and Monique find a black person to get directions from.  (Did I mention that the mompreneurs are black?  Not that it matters, but that was kinda funny, cause I’d totally ask the black person for directions, too.)   Jordan, because he wears a bright yellow headscarf, knows immediately who Caite is and is psyched.  He then lets everyone else on the race know too.  Can’t really blame him for that.  His South Carolina teen beauty queen impression needs work, though.

Jordan is unsure of where Chile is.  Some people in our nation don’t have maps, such as South Africa. Okay, I’ll let it go.  I mean, it’s not like she’s running on a major presidential ticket.

The mompreneurs, Dana & Adrian, and Jordan & Jeff make the first flight, while the Louis Vuitton Lesbians get edged out.  Brandy wishes the flight bad weather and/or a major mechanical failure as we cut to break.  Well, apparently the gods of reality television are different than the one in the Old Testament, because Brandy’s prayer is answered, and the first flight gets delayed.   The first three teams choose to take the second flight, so everyone is on the same flight to Santiago.

In Chile, Jet & Cord learn that South America is made of many different countries, and they don’t all take the same currency.  So, the Brazilian dollars they exchanged their US currency for doesn’t so much work here.  They exchange again, but it doesn’t seem to slow them down in any meaningful way.

The first task in Santiago is a Road Block, requiring the teams to walk a cable 120 feet above the ground the length of a football field.  I did something like this in summer camp.  Only, it was 25 feet, and maybe 1/10th of a football field.  But I’ll take any cool, adventure-y points I can get.

Female Jordan and Caite make it across with few problems, being small, adventurous and generally good-natured about physical tasks.  The larger men who take it for their team do not fare as well.  In particular, Adrian falls off the rope and has to be rescued, i.e., someone has to go out and bring him back. He has to do it again.  He falls again. Also, Brandy shakes like crazy the entire way across.

Male Jordan (of the yellow headscarf) repeatedly yells “I love you, bro” to Dan during the task, which I’ve never heard any person say unironically.

Next task: Painted House.  No catch here; the clue calls for them to paint the exterior of a house, by matching paint in a paint can to the color of the exterior of a home.  Awesomely, Steve and Allie end up wandering to a random house, going indoors, and painting the interiors.  This leaves the workers already painting the interior a little amused.  But Steve and Allie figure it out soon enough.

In a triumph for fame whores everywhere, Jeff & Jordan take first, and Brent & Caite come in second.  However, due to an FTR (Failure To Read), the team takes a 30 minute penalty because they didn’t take a funicular to the second clue.  Monique & Shawne take second.  Jet & Cord take third (how did they catch up so fast?), Dan & Jordan would’ve been fourth but they lost a paintbrush, so Steve & Allie take fourth and Joe & Heidi take fifth. Carol & Brandy take sixth, Brent & Caite’s penalty runs out and they take seventh.  Dan & Jordan, eighth, Louie & Michael, ninth, and Jody and Shannon pull up the rear at tenth.

Which leaves Dana and Adrian to be eliminated.  Good thing their marriage is happy, huh?

Season 16, Episode 1: Nanna Is Kickin’ Your Butt (originally aired February 14, 2010)

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS.

Photographs courtesy of CBS, Monty Brinton, and Sonja Flemming.