The Bachelor: See You in Hell, Rozlyn

Or at least I know I’ll see you next Tuesday.

This week we had The Women Tell All special of The Bachelor, which, in a word, was bitchin.

The two hour block started out as you might expect with any reality show has-beens: in various states of undress while fully liquored up. It’s the Bachelor “family” (endorsing incest, of course), which is kind of like the cousin to the Real World/do-they-even-still-make-Road Rules super dysfunctional branch of the family tree. Wes made an appearance and out-douched himself by gloating about how great his dating scene has been since being the only guy in Bachelor history to make it to the final four with a girlfriend (note: he in fact said he has been getting the double amount of “nibbles” not “nipples”). Like waking up with a terrible hangover accompanied with shameful memories from the night before, this little segment was followed up with some karma cleansing Bachelor community service.

After everyone changed the channel for that portion, the good stuff was back. Chris “The Enforcer” Harrison was there to guide us through the best gossip session in Bachelor history. Before we get to Rozlyn, I’m going to ever so quickly run through the other notable girls. Feel free to scroll, my feelings won’t be hurt.

Xtina: Jake regretting getting rid of you so early in the game and I do too. I loved/hated you from the second you got out of the limo as the self confessed bitch.  That aside, you were actually pretty hilarious. If only you were your bitchy self the whole time, sigh. At least you went out on a funny note with a tear in your eye and yall-ing about some rat/raccoon/mouse after getting kicked off. Hope to be seeing you, Teeny.

Michelle: Still mental. At least she was able to laugh at herself during the montage of crazy? Her terrible hair wasn’t helping the situation. I feel bad for her because that stuff was pretty embarrassing, but I still don’t think she got quite how abnormal she was. Locos deserve love too though and I wish her all the best…and a better colorist.

Ashleigh: What an awesome bitch. Hailing from my hometown, I’m proud of what an elitist a-hole she was with her parting statement: Vienna? That effing trailer white trash whore? Mmm if that’s not class I don’t know what is. She was seriously entertaining though so no harm done in my eyes.

Gia: I LOVE YOU. I think I started to like Gia even more when I saw how much she swears in the blooper footage.  She was so sweet and sequiny, how could anyone ever let her go? I think she actually learned a lot about herself through this experience, which makes up for the 3498 failures this show produces. Since she learned how to be more open and honest with her feelings, I’m lobbying for her to be the next Bachelorette.

Ali: Gotta love consistency. As always, looking like she just rolled out of the sleeping bag that she probably keeps under her office desk, Ali talked a lot about regret. Bla bla bla Jake totally picks her after the final rose. He should have just let her come back in St. Lucia. Prediction: his little “you’ll always have a friend” sentiment is really code for “come to the ATFR taping and I’ll pull a Jason.” The only thing I didn’t like about Ali was that she said “as people we need to support Vienna, because the tabloids are trashing her.” As people? As opposed to what, penguins? And I never heard anyone come to that humanitarian defense of the likes of Lindsay Lohan etc., so I’m going to continue buying trash for the truth… and you know, for the economy.

Rozlyn: Roz is not healthy for children and other living things. First of all, she was wearing an unironed pillow case and her hair looked like mine when I used to straighten it in middle school (aka BAD). Could she be more unlikable? Could I sound more like Chandler Bing? During this whole interview/exercise in lying, I just couldn’t understand why she agreed to this. It couldn’t have been to clear her name because she is the worst liar in the world. Maybe she is really trying to promote herself as a Jenna Jameson’s double? If so, mission accomplished. None of this portion made sense. Rozlyn’s only defense to the many accusations of a physical relationship with one of the producers was “absolutely not,” and tried to blame the whole story on the show for not letting her call her son. Chris tried to build his case with exhibit A: Jessie, who swore on her dog’s life that she saw Rozlyn and the producer kissing on the stairs. Roz, trying to one-up Jess while securing her place in hell said that she swore on her child’s life that that never happened (followed by gasps from the audience and the planet). Exhibit B: Ella stating that Rozlyn was clearly fixin for some booty when she said she was waiting downstairs for the producer to put her to bed. Exhibit C: That Homemaker said that one night when she was sick and wandering around the house (?) she couldn’t find Rozlyn anywhere. Exhibit D: She is Jenna Jameson.

So, with the mounting evidence against her, Chris gave Rozlyn one last chance to come clean for her sake and the producer’s, since he had many friends at the show and this affair had real consequences. Roz took this opportunity to be a gigantic wench and throw Chris under the bus, accusing him of hitting on the producwhore’s wife in New Zealand. Props to Chris for keeping his cool when a lesser host would have cut a bitch.

Next week, the finale! Vienna or Tenley? Tenley craps rainbows and dreams in cartoons while Vienna was hated by all the other women. Clearly a toss up. But really, it doesn’t matter because Jake will totally choose Ali in the end (or, “real life”) and Vienna will go back to working Hooters and auditioning for High School Musical in Florida while Tenley will go back to living out The Sound of Music in Portland, getting dressed by sparrows and getting advice from talking woodland creatures. I just hope Jake kicks that light and walks out of an interview in the process, because we were promised that scene dammit and I’m sick of seeing him cry.

Season 14, Episode 8: The Women Tell All (originally aired February 22, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, Craig Sjodin, Greg Zabilski, and IMDbPro.