The Vampire Diaries: “This ménage a threesome team thing”

First things first: James Remar should really stop having children because so far, in his two most recent roles, he’s spawned a serial killer (the winningly psychopathic Michael C. Hall in Dexter) and two vampires. He does make a great TV dad, though—not to mention that this week it provides another excuse to put the entire cast in period clothing. To the 1860s!

Or, to be more specific, to an alternate version of the 1860s in which no one in Virginia seems to be suffering from any of the ill effects of four years of total warfare, desertion from the Confederacy is a “personal choice” that elicits respect rather than a quick execution, and two lady vampires pose a greater threat to the townspeople of Mystic Falls than years of privation, total economic collapse, and the Union’s scorched-earth military tactics.

In these happier, more innocent times, Stefan and Damon spend their time frolicking about the front yard of their ancestral home and taking turns nailing Katherine, who promises to turn the two into vampires. Unfortunately for the boys, their father, the absurdly-monikered Giuseppe Salvatore (seriously, that’s like being named Gepetto McItaly) is gathering a coalition of concerned townspeople to fight back against the vampire menace.

In the present, Anna, Damon, and Stefan are all looking for Stephen Gilbert’s old journal in the hopes that it will reveal the location of the grimoire (or “witche’s cookbook,” as Damon puts it) that contains the spell to open Katherine’s tomb.  Anna and Stefan both follow Alaric, who has the journal, but Stefan gets to Alaric first. After a few bumbling attempts at self-preservation, Alaric realizes that his homemade stake-gun is no match for Stefan and admits that he’s in town looking for Damon, who killed his wife in a sad, blue flashback. More importantly, her body was never recovered, and he wants answers from Damon.

Elsewhere in town, Bree and Ben’s first date sours after she realizes he’s turned into a vampire. She tries to excuse herself to the bathroom, but even Ben knows better than to believe that, and grabs her.

It’s Family Night at the Gilbert house, so Damon takes the opportunity to hone his cooking and emotional manipulation. He questions Elena closely about the sincerity of Stefan’s promise to help bring back Katherine, hinting that he’ll retaliate if Stefan betrays him. Jeremy lets it slip that he’s mentioned the journal’s existence to Anna, who Damon quickly recognizes as Pearl’s daughter—Pearl being the town apothecary back in 1864. The two of them have a brief, throat-grabby confrontation in which Anna suggests they join forces to open the tomb. Damon prefers to lone-wolf it and turns her down. She’s been getting a lot of that lately. First Jeremy, now this.

Stefan and Elena have already realized that the grimoire must be buried with Giuseppe, and head to the cemetery for some exhuming. A flashback reveals that old Poppa Salvatore knew better than to trust his vampire-loving sons and was slipping them vervain on the sly so that he could capture Katherine if she ever tried to turn them. He catches Katherine in bed with Stefan, temporarily incapacitated by his vervain-laced blood, and forces Stefan to fetch the sheriff to capture her. That is some Magnificent Bastardry right there.

Back in the graveyard, Damon surprises Elena and Stefan after uncovering the grimoire. He and Stefan bitch about their trust issues until Damon breaks the stalemate by force-feeding Elena his own blood, threatening to snap her neck and turn her so “you and I have a vampire girlfriend” unless Stefan hands over the book. This show keeps promising me an undead threesome and it damn well better deliver.

One last flashback reveals Katherine and later Pearl getting hauled away in a set of branks while an angry mob scours the town for any more vampires. Damon’s furious and blames Stefan for telling Giuseppe about Katherine, even though Stefan didn’t so much “tell him” as was “totally and utterly surprised by” him. As betrayals go, that one’s pretty flimsy.

Back at the house, Stefan leaves Elena alone upstairs while he goes to find her some aspirin. Downstairs, he learns that Anna has been invited into the house, and by the time Stefan makes it up the stairs, Elena is gone. And no flashbacks will be able to save her.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Time Trippin’ by Matt DeGroot.

Season 1, Episode 13: Children of the Damned (originally aired February 4, 2010)

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Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Quantrell Colbert.