Valentine’s Day: Heavyweight Cast, Lightweight Story

If you are not a big ball of mush or a rom-com fan or being forced to go to the movies by a significant other, than Valentine’s Day is not for you. It’s not an intelligent film or all that funny, and so many stars bloat the two-hour that it’s hard to care very much about most of their characters. In fact, you’ll probably leave the theater unsatisfied, wondering how such a photogenic and talented cast could have produced such cotton candy fluff. I know I did, but at least, I’m warning you before the fact.

At the center of the film are best friends Reed (Ashton Kutcher) and Julia (Jennifer Garner), who have to deal with some romantic speed bumps put in place by their respective partners Morley (Jessica Alba) and Harrison (Patrick Dempsey, unsurprising, another doctor). Elsewhere in Los Angeles, Kara (Jessica Biel) is a neurotic and lonely publicist to aging NFL quarterback Sean Jackson (Eric Dane), who’s represented by agent Paula Thomas (Queen Latifah). Paula’s assistant, for the day, is Liz (Anne Hathaway) who also moonlights as a phone-sex operator, dating Jason (Topher Grace). And Kelvin Moore (Jamie Foxx) is a sports journalist who tries to get in with Kara and get a big football-sized scoop.

You’d think that would be it, but if you’ve seen the previews there are dozens more. Some of the more entertaining portions of the film are owed to the teenage storylines of two young couples, Willy (Taylor Lautner) and Felicia (Taylor Swift) and Alex (Carter Jenkins) and Grace (Emma Roberts). And, I’ve got to say the chemistry award goes to Captain Kate Hazeltine (Julia Roberts) and Holden (Bradley Cooper), who’s arc plays out almost entirely on a plane. The most affecting storyline is between Estelle (Shirley MacLaine) and Edgar (Hector Elizondo), a couple married for over half a century and still in love. And no cast of this size could be complete without the wisecracking best friend (George Lopez) and a cute kid (Bryce Robinson), struck by cupid who acts beyond his years.

The multi-talented Garry Marshall directed the flick, and if his past successes (Happy Days, Beaches, Pretty Woman) are any clue, the man knows how to make a mainstream hits. (Though, even all his achievements can’t completely erase Georgia Rules.) With a script penned by Army Wives scribe Katherine Fugate, it’s clear the goal was to go more for the heart strings than the funny bone. Well, I’m sure they wanted it to be funny too, but this product kind of points out that the genre is definitely not her forte. But here, Marshall doesn’t try to make Valentine’s Day any more than a syrupy, perky and sunny break from reality where people find love, secrets spill and lovers part ways, and somehow, everything manages to end up okay.

Unfortunately, the film just happens to pull off “okay.” It’s extremely similar, in structure, to Love Actually, Crash or He’s Just Not That Into You, which debuted for Valentine’s Day last year. It’s centered around a group of people who all happened to be connected whether it’s through family, friends, work or mere coincidence. However Love Actually was actually funny and heartwarming, Crash had something to say, and He’s Just Not That Into You was…well…more like this one in that there was a lot of build up but not a lot of payoff. (I did love the touching reveals in the film’s final minutes.)

Besides the relatively unimaginative and clichéd writing, the main problem is the large cast and the fact that we spend so little time with any of them that it’s hard to keep everything straight and still manage to get invested. For the most part, even the most devastating plot turns are treated with the equivalent of “Take some Advil, and here’s a glass of water. Everything will be better in the morning.” I will commend them for making a Valentine’s Day film that panders to those who are in relationships and happy, single and lonely, newly single and angry or just plain enamored with puppy love, also aiming to touch people of all ages. It’s got a love type for every audience member out there. However, if I were you, I’d wait until next February 14th to watch. That way you can rent it and watch from the comfort of your own couch. At least, you won’t walk away feeling like you wasted a quarter gallon of gas.

Dont forget to check out our VDay Ed All the Single Ladies, Cue Beyonce (Renata’s Anti V-Day List) by Renata Sellitti