American Idol: Now We’re Getting Somewhere

You know how time moves faster the older you get? As children, everything seems to just take forever, but as we grow up it feels as though each year flies by quicker than the last. The same can be said for any season of American Idol, and this edition is no exception. It may have seemed like the hogwash of auditions and Hollywood Week were never going to end as they were happening, but now it seems unbelievable that we’re already one-third through the semifinals! After Thursday night’s results episode, 20 remain on the journey toward becoming the next Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson… or the next Taylor Hicks or Ruben Studdard. People seem to forget that winning this show does not guarantee stardom, nor does not winning guarantee lifelong anonymity (Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry and Adam Lambert, for example).

I had forgotten how cheesy the results shows are, which is similar to how I seem to forget how short the days are in winter – it takes me by surprise every year, even though I should be used to it by now. Case in point? The first group performance of this season! God, how embarrassing. The Chosen Ones are singing a popular audition choice, “American Boy,” and it’s definitely worse for the guys, but Crystal looks like she might bolt at any minute. Hang in there, Bowersox! You’re one of the select few aspects of this show I don’t make fun of.

The guys and girls are now sitting separately on stage, formed into two rows each, and I’m wondering exactly what percentage of this show is going to serve a distinct purpose. Ten? Fifteen? With commercials, that’s about 4.5 to 8 minutes of relevant information, give or take. Sounds about right. We do have Kute Allen and badass Iraheta stopping by, the former here to talk about his philanthropic efforts in Haiti, and the latter most likely to show this season’s chickadees how it’s done. That’s all well and good, but I really just want to know who’s going home, don’t you? I think Lacey’s dunzo for sure, and I can only hope Urban is shown the door (but I have a feeling his ass isn’t leaving his chair, ugh). I’m also rooting for an exit from Jermaine, and I hope to all get out Siobhan didn’t alienate voters with her outside-the-box awesomeness.

Seacrest asks the back row of girls to stand up, and Siobhan is the first name called. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but my fingers are crossed. I have no worries about tonight’s outcome for Crystal, and Lilly’s probably okay, but Siobhan in her glass-blowing, Chris Issak-singing glory might just weird people out enough to get her kicked off.

Whew! I guess I was just psyching myself out, or the voters aren’t as narrow-minded as I feared, but Siobhan is safe, as are Michelle, Katelyn and Haeley. No surprises with those three. It’s between Katie Stevens and Janell Wheeler, and Seacrest tells Janell what everyone already knows and she takes the news with grace and poise, then the stage to sing “What About Love” every bit as badly as she did on Tuesday. Bye, Janell.

Allison Iraheta and her awesome voice are next to sing her staggeringly dull new single “Scar,” or “Scars,” or “Scarred,” and it lumbers along so painfully I’m not entirely sure it even has a chorus. Disappointing! Too bad, because Allison deserves better than this. Back to eliminations. Decent but forgettable Paige is safe, as are Lilly (yay) and Crystal (of course, but yay nonetheless). However, in a huge turn of events I certainly never fathomed, Lacey of “Landslide” Loserville is SAFE! I really do think she’s adorable and I’m glad she’s sticking around after all, but even she is truly amazed at the power of the pity vote. She’d better bring it next week, or I’m going to have to give up on her altogether in spite of her likeability. Way to go, Lacey!

That means we’re down to Ashley or Didi for the pink slip, and upon first thought it should undoubtedly be Ashley. On second thought, however, that might be a little too serendipitous, and perhaps lovely Didi will be leaving us in a tragically premature fashion. Could it be? Nah. Bon voyage, Ashley.

We’re blessed with a bit of greatly needed comic relief as video of Tyler rehearsing in his bathrobe is shown next. Turns out, he assumed they were being sent to wardrobe upon entering the studio but, to his surprise, he was supposed to show up fully dressed! Oh, Tyler, why would you be sent to wardrobe for rehearsal?! It’s actually pretty funny, and makes me think Tyler is probably a life-of-the-party kind of guy.

Down to business. Big Mike is safe and speechless, John Park squeaks by and silently vows to never sing a jazz standard on Idol again (I assume. If he didn’t, he should have), and squeaky-clean Aaron Kelly is told he’ll be here next week, like we all knew he would. It’s down to Tim Urban and Joe Munoz, and I sadly predict we’ll be saying goodbye to Joe since no one knows who he is and Tim is clearly the luckiest man alive. Verdict? At least Tim will give me copious material with which to discuss for his remainder of undeserved opportunity this season. I can’t imagine him being worse than he was on Wednesday, though, so he does have nowhere to go but up, I suppose. In any event, good luck to you, Joe.

Seacrest announces Exxon Mobil, among others, as a corporate sponsor of this year’s Idol Gives Back. There’s a conflicting dichotomy of principle here, but I can’t quite place my finger on it. Oh, what a marvelous opportunity for Kris to talk about his life-altering trip to Haiti! He’s also going to sing Let It Be! Okay, he really is pretty cute, does sing well and is promoting a worthy charitable cause, so I’ll stop with the haterade.

Time for the fourth and last elimination of the evening. Casey’s sticking around (duh) and we also catch a glimpse of Kara’s husband, apparently there to keep an eye on her. Is anyone still finding this amusing? Did anyone find it amusing in the first place? Didn’t think so. Poor Mr. DioGuardi. Augh, Jermaine is safe! Simon told him he blew it on Wednesday, and I really thought so too. Who’s voting for this guy? Simon’s favorite, Lee DeWyze, to whom I’m clearly going to need to start paying closer attention, is wearing an argyle sweater I love and is safe. Andrew Garcia’s massive buzz, abundant camera time and overall greatness keeps him safe in spite of a performance the judges apparently thought was too Andrew Garcia-like.

We’re down to bathrobe-loving Daltrey Lite and pod person Alex Lambert. There’s no way secondary Lambert is safe, is there? Over TYLER?! Indeed, it is so. My mouth is agape, and Lambert Jr. is beside himself. Tyler handles it like a total douchebag, I must admit. He blames the judges for not giving him constructive criticism until it was “too late,” meaning they didn’t mention he might want to take the 70s motif down a notch or two until after he sang “American Woman,” a performance which solidified his need for the judges to make said comments. Simon shoots daggers in Tyler’s general direction, and his final performance closes the show.

There you have it! We’re one week closer to my dream finale of Crystal vs. Casey, but many triumphs and catastrophes can happen between now and May. Keep those voting fingers ready.

For another take on this week’s episodes, check out Two Idols Return While Four Hopefuls Exit by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 15: First Results Show: Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated (originally aired February 25, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker and IMDbPro.