American Idol: The Dirty Dozen

Wow! I’ve just barely managed to pick my jaw up off the floor in time to recap one of the most shocking elimination episodes in American Idol history – according to me, of course, but after post-results show discussion with colleagues and fellow viewers, I know I’m in good company. Whether or not you actually witnessed the brutal eradication of some genuinely hopeful talent last night, I know it’s been the talk at my proverbial watercooler. When I titled my recap of the Top 16 performance episodes The Calm Before the Storm, I had no idea what kind of unintentional foreshadowing I had just created. This turned out to be a typhoon worthy of The Tempest-style allegorical reference. In case you missed it, here’s how it all went down.

The intro is stylized like the trailer for a summer movie blockbuster, complete with ominous phrases emblazoned on the screen in emphatic red font. These overdramatic lead-ins always make me chuckle and remind myself to stock up on microwave popcorn for next week’s viewing. Seacrest has his usual banality-ridden innuendo marathon with the judges, this week complete with the precedent-lacking comment to Simon “You were really great last night,” which we next learn is apparently referring to his critiquing style for the previous evening. Simon seemed no more or less Simon-like than usual to me, but I suppose we really have no idea what goes on during those commercial breaks, do we? We’re then treated to a crudely-Photoshopped image of Randy’s head superimposed on Bikini Boy’s body, to remind us of Simon’s sage advice to Lambert, Jr. Sigh.

Ah, yes! I seem to almost always forget about the obligatory group performance until mere seconds before the contestants gather on stage. This week they’re “singing” the Michael Buble song he parodied in his hilarious skit with Jon Hamm on SNL a couple of weeks ago. It leaves less carnage in its wake than some of these choreographed sing-a-longs have in both the recent and distant past, and most of the contestants seem to at least be trying to appear to have fun in this edition of the contracted requisite.

Now for the real carnage: Seacrest sets his sights on the girls first, and Didi Benami is asked to join him on stage. The happy couple waxes nostalgic, focusing on Didi’s disappointing turnout in the Top 24 thus far, considering her huge promise (and air time) in Hollywood Week. The judges loved her Fleetwood Mac on Tuesday, however, and Randy notes her need to stay consistent. Seacrest cuts to the chase, and lovely Didi is the first sure thing sent through to the Top 12.

My girl Siobhan is next, and she and Seacrest discuss her comfort level on stage. She essentially feels it’s a second home to her, something we already knew, and when Ellen is asked to dish advice for Siobhan’s “growth” in the competition, she has no other option but to tell her to “keep doing what you’re doing.” I have to echo this sentiment, purely because Siobhan is the only contestant who seems to do whatever she damn well pleases while the judges’ comments seem to have nothing to do with her success. Keep it up! Oh, yeah, and she’s through. So far, the stars seem aligned.

Then, trouble starts brewing. Katelyn and Paige are asked to learn their fate simultaneously, and while I feel certain Paige blew it badly enough on Tuesday to be sent home, I wonder if Katelyn could fall prey to Paige’s sympathy votes and end up packing her bags instead. Indeed, Paige Miles is the third female contestant in the Top 12, and Katelyn Epperly is resigned to near-immediate obscurity and the chance to complete her degree in sound engineering. I’m more surprised than I feel I should be, as though I am somehow inadequately prepared for this revelation. Alas. I can only hope Paige starts to seriously bring it from here on out, because what I’ve seen of her so far has raised nary an eyebrow from me. Good luck, Katelyn!

Let’s see what the guys are up to. The entire back row of Top 8 dudes are asked to stand: Lee, Todrick, Tim and Casey all look varying degrees of nauseous as Seacrest begins his spiel. The non-drama news is out of the way first, with sure things Casey and Urban (this kid owes major gratitude to both his genes and Leonard Cohen) sent through to the Promised Land, while Lee and Todrick are up for elimination. I wholeheartedly admit I have a bit of a soft spot for Lee despite his particular brand of frat-boy rawker I normally find douchey, but I already know this is probably the end for Todrick and I’m sad to have to accept a Top 12 without him. If only he had busted out Queen the first week! No matter, I still think he’s got a promising career on Broadway ahead of him. Indeed, my prediction proves true and even more bittersweet than I anticipated as Todrick’s sing-out of “Somebody to Love” is better than Wednesday night – even Seacrest is a bit incredulous, giving a faux ploy to the judges for clemency. Randy looks wistful, and the ladies’ tears for Katelyn are given a second wind.

Without forgetting the formulaic template by which this show operates, shattered dreams are set aside for this week’s edition of Idols Return: a duet with Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud. They’re bringing a dueling-piano rendition of Billy Joel’s Tell Her About It, and it’s actually kind of a welcome distraction. Giraud has some serious skills with the keys and blows Scotty away as far as I’m concerned, but both guys hold their own and convey enough sincere conviviality and presence to make it infinitely more enjoyable than any group performance on its best day. Not too shabby.

Seacrest, easing us back to the gauntlet, calls Crystal up next. I feel I must address the speculation surrounding her health as of late – her appearance this evening is of one who is surely emotionally drained, but also in physical turmoil. She simply does not look well, and barely registers any expression as the good news of her status as a Top 12 contestant is revealed. We all knew she was a lock, of course, but Crystal seems so dour and lacking in energy I start to worry about possible future complications in the competition for her. Consider my brow furrowed.

As for other unsurprising results, Big Mike is called upon and we’re forced to hear more about Kara thinking he sang This Woman’s Work just for her. With little fanfare and even less uncertainty, he saunters over to join the other Chosen Ones as Seacrest asks if he can fit on one stool (ha) and Mrs. Big Mike applauds with glee.

Next, Lacey Brown is singled out by her lonesome, instead of being paired with another possible reject as I expected. This turn of events causes me to wonder if she’s managed to squeak by another week, and actually secure a spot in the Top 12. While the outcome of this show still has its surprises now and then, certain uses of tactical formula remain as predictable as ever – doubling up possible castoffs is one of many examples. As Lacey receives a congratulatory hug from Paige, I realize Katie Stevens had better be the second girl going home – otherwise, Idol could have a bona fide riot on its hands.

Before we can get to that, however, there’s still a mess or two to clean up on the guys’ side of the street. Young Aaron Kelly is called on stage, and I would think he could be at risk for elimination based on his lack of captivating presence or vocal prowess, but one must never underestimate the power of the teenage girl when it comes to American Idol. Indeed, wide-eyed Aaron is safe, thanks in large part to Tim Urban’s sloppy seconds, one must guess.

The final two guys left are Andrew Garcia and The Ripe Banana. Now this is truly a nail-biter. These two contestants’ trajectories in the competition are inversely proportional to each other. Lambert Jr. has consistently grown more likeable, while Garcia peaked way too soon (it’s undeniable at this point) and has scrambled to maintain his Golden Boy status from Hollywood Week. I silently predict a premature departure from Andrew that would have floored anyone a month ago, but instead it’s Alex Lambert, and he’s simply devastated. Garcia looks like he feels guilty for being relieved, and everyone is starting to lose it. Who knew Alex had such an emotional holding in this competition? Certainly not me (I once called him a pod person for Pete’s sake), but I’ve enjoyed watching his progress the past couple of weeks, and I’m truly bummed to see him go. Siobhan is weeping, and the Lambert Jr. sing-out reeks of defeated despondency. With a blubbery mess now on his hands, Seacrest scrambles to reconfigure some semblance of structure before Debbie the Stage Manager goes postal.

Remnants of the massacre remain even after the commercial break, and the show grudgingly plods on. Ugh, I’m sad! We’re down to the final match-up of the evening, between Katie Stevens and Lilly Scott. The Garcia/Lambert showdown sucked all the potential for sincere anticipation I had left, so I sit back, take a deep breath, and wait for Katie to be asked to leave until…wait, what!?! LILLY is SENT HOME. I’m stunned. Just wow. Apparently, the female voters who believe they are dating Tim Urban are the same delusional twits who think they are friends with Katie Stevens. Lilly’s eyes practically glaze over, and she’s rightfully pissed, telling Seacrest “I don’t know what America wants to hear, I really don’t.”  At this point, Katie is even more afraid to be happy for herself than Garcia, and the whole studio is a confusing conglomerate of befuddled wailing and horrified silence.

Tonight’s casualties, just for a recap: Alex Lambert, Katelyn Epperly, Lilly Scott and Todrick Hall. While I had slight hunches about Todrick and (less so) Katelyn, Alex was a major downer and I just can’t believe Lilly’s gone. I suppose none of these people really had a shot at winning, anyhow, but I’d rather see Siobhan, Crystal and Big Mike (arguably the three front-runners) have stiffer competition than what this season has to offer them. Unless she ups her game immediately, I predict imminent doom for Paige. Ditto Lacey. Aaron Kelly and Katie Stevens have some serious work to do, and Garcia needs a new shtick, stat. The first theme for next week’s Top 12 show is songs by the Rolling Stones, but Keith Richards himself couldn’t paint an episode blacker than this one.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out by Bye Bye Talent! Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episode 21: Results Show: Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated – Finalists Revealed (originally aired March 11, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company  and IMDbPro.