American Idol: We’ve All Gotta Feeling

March Madness is officially upon us, dear readers, as our Sweet 16 are probably already sweating bullets as we speak while preparing their attempts to crack the Top 12. That’s right, I’m talking about the other March Madness, here in Idol-land. This is where Crystal Bowersox has pretty much won the whole shebang already, but we’re still going through the motions for posterity. Thursday night’s four eliminations proved shocking, relieving, inexplicable and nonreactive all at once. Who’s who? We’ll get to that shortly.

We’re now at the point in the season where Seacrest’s intros have reached melodramatic levels of pretension high enough to cause me to involuntarily laugh out loud. This week, intermittent clips of the contestants performing, the contestants looking pensive, the contestants contemplating the future, the contestants staring blankly into space, et cetera, fade in and out of each other against the most bombastically ostentatious music the producers could have found. It sounds like the soundtrack to a Michael Bay movie, and looks like a live action montage from something the South Park guys would come up with. I love it when something meant to be serious ends up parodying itself. I love American Idol.

After Seacrest’s obligatory chat with the judges – where Simon makes a purposely vague reference to changing his mind for the worse about an unknown contestant’s performance – and the announcement of Gokey’s return to the Idol stage, this week’s group performance is imminent. The song? The Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling.” I’m one of the only people I know of who remembers when, around a decade ago, the Peas were this underground, legit, respected rap group. Then Fergie came along, and now they are the most shameless sellouts of the millennium. I was done with them far before the blasphemy of “My Humps” was unleashed on humanity, but I gotta feeling a saddening number of people think this is “music.”

Casey wins the title of Most Embarrassed this week, and I believe he could have possibly been truly unaware of the cheesetastic obligations this show forces upon its participants, considering the lack of television in his life. He did say he’d never seen the show, you know. I’m embarrassed for all of them.

Let’s not waste any more time, shall we? The back row of guys are asked to stand up: Big Mike, Casey, Todrick, John and Urban nervously rise to the occasion. The bottom two of this crowd is glaringly obvious. I think both Tod and John have an equal shot at going home, meaning neither choice would surprise me, but I’m more interested to see future tricks up Todrick’s sleeve. Is it John Park and his piercing cheekbones? Or Tod and his colored contacts? Bye, John! Purple Haze will be glad to have you back where you belong. Wow, Todrick is genuinely freaked.

Hey, second row of guys is standing up next! I am eternally grateful for this expeditious elimination announcement. This must be the producers’ way of apologizing in advance for the impending Gokey. We’ve got Jermaine, Andrew, Lambert Jr., Aaron and DeWyze by their throats. Jermaine’s on the chopping block, much to my delight, but instead of Aaron (as I had silently predicted) being asked to complete the Duo of Doom, it’s Andrew! I completely buy into the staged drama and get genuinely nervous. The notion of Jermaine staying at all, especially in place of Andrew, is giving me heart palpitations. How could I continue to watch this show, let alone devote thousands of written words to it, every week? It’s excruciating, the suspense! Jesus, Seacrest, just SPIT IT OUT! Oh, okay, smell ya later, Jermaine! Wow, I can’t believe I fell for that. Hee!

Jermaine’s farewell renders him slightly more tolerable than he had been in previous episodes, and I’m glad to hear him acknowledge his appreciation for the opportunity. Way to attempt to redeem yourself, Jermaine! Have fun at church.

If ever there were a time to sneak Gokey into my life, this would be it. I’m so glad to be rid of Jermaine, my floating cloud of satisfaction numbs all outer stimuli, no matter the level of annoyance. Here’s the deal with Gokey: he can really kind of sing, but he always seems to think the rest of the world is cranked to eleven with him. I’m sorry his wife died, I am, but he needs to stop talking about it. Doesn’t he know the incessant pimpage of his grief really brings down the sympathy factor among potential fans? It really contradicts what he’s attempting to accomplish. Plus, no matter how hard he tries, Ellen is not going to have him on her show. Worth a shot, though, I suppose.

With Gokey’s performance (very run-of-the-mill, but mildly catchy if country Top 40 is your thing) behind us, it’s time to rid Crystal of a couple of peers standing in her way of the title. Lilly Scott is safe, though, and I decide I’d be okay with a Crystal, Lilly and Siobhan-centric show from now ‘til May. The first bottom two are Didi and Michelle. I’m not quite as panicked as I was with Jermaine vs. Andrew, but I’d be awfully upset if Michelle stuck around instead of Didi. Neither girl has blown anyone away in the semifinals, but even Didi’s lame choice of “Lean on Me” was better than anyone singing Creed, but especially Michelle singing Creed. Kara covers her ass and says she’s changed her mind about Michelle’s performance, concluding she might be in trouble.

Whew! Didi is safe! She looks almost lobotomized with shock. Michelle is stoically devastated, but not terribly surprised. So long, Michelle! She’s going to be just fine and then some. Second row of girls are on their feet, and we’re left with Katelyn, Crystal, Haeley, Lacey and Siobhan. We all know it’s between Lacey and somebody else, but when Siobhan is declared safe (hooray!), I realize that somebody else is Haeley. Oh, man! I had forgotten how wholly awful Haeley’s performance was on Wednesday, and it hadn’t occurred to me this might be the end of the line for her. Sure, she’s the worst singer of all the girls, but doesn’t everyone just love her? Lacey’s been on thin ice before this season even existed! She’s already been asked to leave once before! I’m really thrown for a loop, here. Simon says it’s obvious who the ousted is, which of course is his smug way of not admitting he’s as shocked as everyone else when it’s announced that Haeley has been voted off American Idol.

It’s quite surreal, and the whole ordeal causes a chain reaction of tears amongst the fellow contestants. Haley’s swan song is absolutely the worst performance American Idol has ever seen this far into the competition, partly due to the crying, and mostly due to her inability to sing properly, but it’s really quite sad to see her go.

Haeley, Michelle, John and Jermaine’s already-prepared farewell videos are shown, and I realize the four contestants who truly deserved to go home the most, arguably are. How about that.

Until next week, readers, where we’ll find out if Todrick, Andrew, Lacey and Didi have been scared straight and gotten their acts together. Happy Sweet 16!

For another take on this week’s episode, check out A Shockless Results Show by Inisia Lewis

Season 9, Episode 18: Two Male and Two Female Contestants Eliminated (originally aired March 4, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker and IMDbPro.