The Office: Happy Hour

So Andy and Erin have admitted to the documentary crew that they are in a romantic relationship. But they do not want anyone else in the office to know, because, as Andy says, “he doesn’t want any drama.” The extents to which they go to keep their relationship secret include the reverse psychology approach of acting super hostile to each other in the office, and then flirting with other people on the company sojourn to happy hour that defines most of the action in this episode. (Andy flirts with a woman, Erin takes his cue and flirts with a man, Andy gets angry.)
This happy hour comes together as the result of the machinations of Oscar and his elaborate attempts to get closer to Matt, a warehouse employee. The moments amongst Oscar, Matt, and Darryl as potential matchmaker are the choicest comedic nuggets of what I thought was an unusually nuggetful episode of this series.
Also nuggetful (I promise that’s the last time I’ll ever use that word) are Michael’s horrendous botching of an impromptu date with a friend of Pam’s, which was arranged for him by Pam and Jim, and Dwight’s not-so-difficult choice between Angela, and what he analytically rationalizes as a far more attractive woman.
Michael in particular ends up connecting better with the bartender. Their hostile exchanges only seem to generate heat on the part of the bartender, and it almost calls to mind the same effect Steve Carell’s 40-year-old virgin had on Elizabeth’s character in the eponymous film that made him a breakout star. In that scene, his torrent of questions, no matter how absurd, lead to stronger favor with the woman involved, and here in this episode of The Office, he achieves the same victories with each increase in his level of hostility.
The episode ends with Andy getting on a microphone and announcing to the entire bar that he and Erin are dating. As was the case with all their overtly secretive antics throughout the episode, no one cares. Hilarious episode.

Season 6, Episode 20: Happy Hour (originally aired March 27, 2010)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photograph courtesy of NBC Universal and IMDbPro.

American Idol: The Eleventh Hour

Memo to Nigel Lythgoe, Simon Fuller and Co.: The jig is up. Officially. While I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my periodic, guilty pleasure-filled viewings of American Idol over the last eight years, the opportunity to carefully scrutinize the entire ninth season has, for me, shone an undeniable light on the cracks in the proverbial foundation of this cultural juggernaut. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve consistently been aware what a ridiculous dog-and-pony show Idol has always been and always will be, but this year the campy effervescence of prior seasons has evolved to the televised equivalent of reheated leftovers. The bloom is off the rose, people. Perhaps it’s just as obvious without a more meticulous viewpoint, but regardless, this year’s crop of singers is, without a doubt, the most lackluster bunch yet. In fact, upon second thought I wonder if my fixated analysis has actually tarnished my objectivity. If I were to have just tuned in to see Tuesday night’s atrocity without prior knowledge or exposure to any of the contestants, I would probably have responded with incredulous disbelief: “These are best singers they found?!” Instead, I now find myself bewildered and sadly unable to refute the lack of talent. A couple of exceptions notwithstanding, most of this year’s Top 11 would barely capture the attention of a crowd at a karaoke bar, much less sell millions of albums and fill Madison Square Garden to capacity.

The most frustrating aspect of the disastrous performances this week is the fact the contestants were given one of the most broad categories possible as their theme: songs that have hit Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. While I doubt Idol has the rights to every song that matches this description, this still covers a litany of genres over a span of multiple generations. In short, there were plenty of songs to choose from. Given these parameters, why on Earth we are somehow subjected to Phil Collins and that godforsaken Aerosmith song from Armageddon is beyond me. Sigh. All right, readers, let’s unleash the carnage.

Apparently the announcer who took me by surprise last week has found himself a regular gig, as he again introduces Seacrest and the judges with the same superfluous air of importance as though the president were in attendance. Ellen is wearing a blindingly white suit, Seacrest is particularly toothy, and Kara still retains all the wide-eyed enthusiasm Simon has no patience for. Randy’s somewhere around here, I assume. As Seacrest chats with the judges, we learn this week is the worst week to be voted off because only the Top 10 contestants get the opportunity to participate in the Idol tour this summer – a paying gig with paying fans. Simon likens being eliminated at this point to having five of six correct lotto numbers. Ellen talks about the importance of voting and reminds us to never assume our favorite is safe. Kara and Simon continue their gross, playground-worthy flirtation no one finds engaging (even Ellen rolls her eyes), and Seacrest and Simon continue to exhibit their homoerotic disdain for one another. Seacrest and Ellen then briefly smooch for no apparent reason, and Randy’s beginning to wonder why he even bothers showing up anymore.

Here comes the parade of contestants, with future Stepford wife Katie Stevens suspiciously placed front and center. Again. The remarkably unchallenging theme is discussed, and our first celebrity mentor is revealed! Good grief, Miley Cyrus? I suspect Katie and Aaron Kelly are the only two contestants possibly excited to see her (but that could just be ageism on my part), as the rest plaster the best faux-enthusiasm on their faces they can –  it’s like when you run into someone you haven’t seen in a long time and pretend not to see them until the inevitable acknowledgment is unavoidable. You know, “Oh, hiiii!!”

Lee DeWyze is up first, and he’s singing “The Letter” by The Box Tops. Um, okay. Per Miley’s tutelage, Lee’s goal is to exhibit more confidence because “he has a great voice”  and to “push himself” as far as stage presence is concerned. Gee, what sage advice for a hopeful stage performer. There’s a conglomerate of brass instruments on hand to accompany Lee as he ventures outside his comfort zone with this big-band interpretation of the 60s classic. It’s a major change for Lee, and I applaud his attempt to diversify. He’s wearing a slick black suit and sounds pretty good, in spite of a mumbled phrase or two. I actually appreciate the technical solidity of his tone more tonight than I have in past performances; along with the fact it is a well-taken risk, I suspect the judges will consider tonight’s outing successful overall. Indeed, with the exception of Simon, who says it “wasn’t a recording performance” that “didn’t define you as an artist,” Randy declares that Lee “knocked it out of the park.” Ellen and Kara echo the enthusiasm, with the latter noting Lee’s “tremendous progress” and the former likening him to her “favorite pen,” in a long-winded analogy I won’t bother to explain. While I agree with Kara when she says Lee “raised the bar” for himself, I’m not rising out of my seat. It was lively and vocally competent, but I hope Lee’s continuing progress will bring greater things in the future. B+

I’m already dubious about Paige Miles’ offering, since Seacrest warned us before the break that, of all the Number One songs in the history of popular music, she chose Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds.” Really?! Worse songs have hit number one, certainly, but since Paige is the contestant who has gotten the most viciously ardent criticism about song choice, I find it appalling that this was the best she could come up with. As Miley and Paige discuss Paige’s dogged pitch problems, I can’t ignore my growing sense of dread. This is going to be simply awful, isn’t it? Oh, my. In all honesty, it is jaw-droppingly, mind-numbingly terrible from the start, and Paige knows it. The crowd knows it. The judges know it. Before the critique, I realize if they have anything positive to say about any musical aspect of this performance, I will have no choice but to throw my hands up in hapless surrender. Luckily, there is a shred of integrity left on this show as all four of them are at a loss for words. Randy manages to call it “really terrible,” while Ellen, after some thought, compliments Paige’s ability to remain upright (Paige had expressed concern about her stiletto heels) before lobbing to Kara and Simon, who are both rightfully disgusted when Paige claims she at least “had fun.” Paige, dear, there’s no way any part of that was remotely fun. What just happened to you is the stuff of clichéd nightmares, like showing up at school naked. F

Good lord, whose idea was it to schedule Tim Urban directly after this? With the demolition site of Paige’s former future in the music industry still smoldering, all this kid needs to do is flex and he’ll make it to the tour. Between Tim’s infuriating invincibility and the perplexing pimpage of Katie Stevens, it seems the producers aren’t even trying to conceal their acquiescence to the all-mighty tweens. Indeed, as Tim (apparently trying to follow Miley’s advice of doing something “cool and different”) literally slides on stage, grabbing one frantic pubescent palm after another, the delighted squeals almost drown out the sounds of Queen’s “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”  This is yet another song Tim chose for no other reason but to “have fun,” giving me the impression that Tim as a person really has no definable taste in music. I reckon he just says yes to the first song suggested, or closes his eyes and points to the list. The performance, while vocally acceptable (only meaning it could have been worse), is dopey beyond belief and completely devoid of charisma. Simon calls it “silly” and “pointless,” Ellen likens it to an audition for High School Musical (more squeals ensue – she didn’t mean that as a compliment, kids), and Kara remarks that Tim shouldn’t act like an established teen dream until he’s sold “hundreds of millions of albums.” I’m generally revolted, and will take this opportunity to apologize in advance to the moms and dads shelling out the bucks for their daughters to catch Tim’s inane antics live this summer. D

Tim’s younger, admittedly more talented counterpart, the earnest Aaron Kelly, is next. Unfortunately, when Seacrest “hints” he’ll be singing an Aerosmith song, I immediately know with scornful certainty it is the gooey Armageddon theme no one could escape circa 1998. My icy heart melts a bit when both Aaron’s unrequited crush on Miley and his battle with both laryngitis and tonsillitis are revealed. Miley is duly impressed with Aaron’s vocal skills and even grants him a well-deserved hug at the end of their session. Cute. The performance, considering his bronchial ailments, is certainly worthy of first prize at the county fair, but not star making in the slightest. I have to admit the kid works his ass off every week, but the fact that I can tell how hard he’s trying means he doesn’t have what it takes to have effortless stage presence the way truly successful recording artists do – or should. I know he’s only 16, but in the realm of this competition, his skills need to be honed more quickly than reality can provide for him, I’m afraid. Simon notes Aaron’s palpable drive, saying “you’re a little tryer, aren’t you?” while Randy is thankful for the most enjoyable entertainment since Lee opened the show. Ellen can already envision Aaron’s career, and Kara loved the song choice (ugh). After the steaming piles Paige and Tim left in their wake, I do admit, despite the song, this is back to what Idol is supposed to look and sound like at this stage of the competition. You still have some major work to do, though, Aaron. B-

I have to look no further than the reliable Crystal Bowersox to finally showcase some serious musicianship and innate star quality in this dud of a night. Thank goodness she’s next – my eyes had started to glaze over. She and Miley have a friendly rapport, and Crystal even asks her to sign her guitar, which she says is reserved for the signatures of “strong and beautiful women.” It’s a professional and classy move that continues to echo Crystal’s standing as too-darn-good for this talent show. She’s singing Janis Joplin’s “Me and Bobby McGee,” a choice that almost revels in its predictability. The difference between Crystal being hailed for her “predictability,” and another contestant being chastised for the same reason is that Crystal is predictably great, you see. The song starts modestly, but builds to a fantastic, killer ending that practically brings me to my feet (and I’m alone in my living room, mind you). It’s actually my favorite performance of hers so far, and I can imagine her performing this in an actual concert, and recording it on an actual album. Randy is hooting and hollering immediately, and shouts “That’s what it’s called being a star!” (nonsensical grammar notwithstanding), while Kara not-so-discreetly mentions that Crystal may want to consider putting the guitar down at some point, just to keep things interesting. Despite Crystal’s coy response (“I have big plans for next week, if I’m still here.”), Simon says she shouldn’t change a thing, and even squeezes in a dig at Tim’s stage slide, saying Crystal doesn’t need such shameless gimmicks. Amen, and A+.

Speaking of predictable, Big Mike is singing “When a Man Loves a Woman,” and will be highlighting his “romantic side.” Film at 11. He hams it up a storm with some ridiculous mugging before the break, but he is another contestant who is reliably solid week to week, and tonight is no exception. He also calls Miley “Hannah Montana” to her face, which garners hilarity points from me – especially when she pretends to think it’s funny. While everything is in place performance-wise, Mike seems to be phoning it in a bit. He’s toned down the dance moves, thankfully, and churns out a reliably smooth, on-key tone, but it’s a bit sleepy – a surprising word to use to describe a contestant who usually swings for the rafters. The judges agree there’s nothing wrong with it, per se, but it is “boring” and “indulgent” according to Simon and Kara. Randy continues arranging articles of speech how he pleases, saying Mike “sings the I don’t know what out of who you are,”  and Ellen gets romantic herself, saying, “This woman loves that man,” and the crowd goes “Awww,” as if they aren’t prompted to do so, but surely are. While Mike didn’t exactly hit a home run tonight, Simon is correct in his assessment saying he still has “tons of charisma, a really good voice,” and, doggone it, “people like you.” B

Andrew Garcia’s session with Miley doesn’t go particularly well, as he has problems remembering the lyrics to Marvin Gaye’s classic “I Heard It Through The Grapevine,” which only exacerbates my continuous worry for him. The poor guy seems to be grasping at straws at this point, trying anything and everything to redeem his fall from grace since Hollywood Week. He had apparently been planning to play his guitar during his performance, but with the memory problem only further grating his nerves, Miley tells him to ditch it and focus on the singing. I find this guy so inherently likable, but he’s just not stepping up to the plate with song choice or execution. The arrangement doesn’t fit his vocal style, and, sans instrument, he’s pacing back and forth on stage with distracting fervency. For a brief moment he appears to have attempted the moonwalk (!), but the camera cut away before any disaster could be captured on film. While I sadly admit it’s Andrew’s second-worst performance for me (I haven’t forgotten “Genie in a Bottle”), I continue to feel disappointment, indicating that some level of hope must remain. Randy is upset, too, with “Aww, dawg!” and several variations (“Dawg, aww, dawg!” “Dawg, aww!” ) serving as his critique. Ellen and Kara muster marginal eloquence, with Kara saying something about Andrew moving like a puppet. Simon finally makes some much-needed judging sense, albeit harshly, by saying what no one else has dared – perhaps Andrew’s glory moment in Hollywood was a fluke. Say it isn’t so, Andrew! He does, in fact, assure us he knows who he is as an artist, but I’m officially taking that statement with a grain of salt. C

I was worried the producers would turn the meeting between 17-year-old high school student Katie Stevens and 17-year-old millionaire pop star Miley Cyrus into a grossly contrived Mean Girls meets Clash of the Titans type of televised entertainment so sadly popular in our Idiocracy-paralleled society. To my relief, it turns out to be just two young girls talking about what they both love to do, except one is slightly more successful at it. Heh. To my horror, and the judges’ likely delight, Katie is “going younger” with her song choice and will be singing Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” a song I’ve never been able to stomach in its entirety. Seriously, just typing the lyric “And I’m gonna miss you/like a child misses its blanket” induces mild nausea. Blech. To her credit, Katie is at least dressed like a teenager this week, but the whole girl-power attitude, cutesy pouting, pageant-worthy onstage prancing, and (oh, yeah!) terrible pitch maintains my hope this girl isn’t around much longer. I guess I’m alone here, because the judges are pretty receptive. Ellen says it’s her “best performance yet,” and compares her to Dakota Fanning (Katie’s face looks like what I’m thinking: “??”), Randy’s glad she finally followed their advice (which I suppose is really a compliment to himself and the judges), and Kara says this kind of song is her “vibe” and “exactly where you belong.” Simon cryptically says meeting Miley was “the best thing that could have happened” to her, and is also glad she’s dressed like a normal kid – referring to her previous outfits as “pageant horror.” Ouch for Katie, but ha for me! C

When Seacrest says Casey James is up next with “The Power of Love,” I immediately think, “Oh, my God, he’s doing Celine Dion?!” but those worries are briefly squandered as the song is specified as the Back to the Future theme, a revelation upon which new worries immediately develop (“Oh, my God, he’s doing Huey Lewis and the News?!”). However, Casey provides the most hilarious line of the night as he meets Miley. His opening line? “I’m a big fan…of your dad’s.” Simply awesome. As for the performance, Casey’s voice sounds great and, although he isn’t utilizing the stage as much as he implied he would (per the judges’ criticism last week), I’m not convinced that matters a whole heck of a lot. The setup tonight is more akin to that of a band where Casey is the lead singer. This is a vision I can see becoming an actuality for Casey. He seems much more comfortable as the frontman/guitarist representing a group, rather than a solo artist – quite reminiscent of Chris Daughtry and his, ahem, mild success post-Idol. The judges aren’t too keen with the song choice, but are fans of Casey himself. Randy says he “believed it,” despite the dorky tune, and Kara says Casey is “on another level,” and “ready to make an album.” Ellen continues the praise, saying (again, in spite of the song) Casey had the “best vocals of the night.” Whoa. Simon wonders if he was witnessing something else, because he thinks it was “just like watching an 80s cover band,” and I cannot disagree. Simon then admits he might not get the cheesy nostalgia for Huey Lewis because he’s English. Hee. I, personally, am able to disregard the song and focus on the successful performance. I’m beginning to see Casey as a musician outside of American Idol, which is better news than Huey’s. B+

Didi Benami also got the memo to choose the most random song possible, apparently, as it’s revealed she’s singing Linda Ronstadt’s “You’re No Good.” Of all the number one songs to choose from, she picks this? Weird, no? Miley loves Didi’s vibrato and vocal tone, and the two discuss handling normal levels of stage fright. Didi says her nerves are “no good,” thus she’s singing to them. Is that her reasoning behind this song? Yikes. I’ve really been digging Didi’s voice the past few weeks, but her performance tonight has a strange feel to it, almost as though she’s acting as a character she invented for the occasion. Her facial expressions are very defined, complete with a sneer for every “you’re no good,” and flirty pouts to the camera. She also slinks around the stage and spends time batting her eyelashes at the bass player. I predict the judges will call it “loungey” because that’s exactly what I think it is. The whole thing reeks of bad cabaret. Luckily, the only positive thing I can say is her voice sounded good – of all the things to get right, that’s probably at the top of the list. Randy says he “likes the idea of it,” but Ellen, Kara and Simon are as confused as I am. Kara actually says it’s like Didi was trying to be someone else, Ellen just doesn’t “get the song choices tonight,” and Simon is actually quite needlessly mean, saying the title of the song is “ironic.” Didi, perhaps unwisely, tries to defend herself, saying she doesn’t want to be “pigeonholed” into one genre. I hear ya, Didi, but this is American Idol. I sometimes suspect a fraction of one’s soul is sold to the devil in order to participate in this show – if not at least a fraction of one’s artistic integrity. C+

To say I’m excited to see what Siobhan Magnus has to offer after her rendition of “Paint it Black” brought the house down last week (at least for me – I’m still not over it) is quite the understatement. Tonight she’s sporting the fauxhawk to end all fauxhawks (this thing makes her about a foot taller) and looks like a laboratorial lovechild of Pat Benetar and David Bowie. Her appearance and demeanor lead me to believe something truly epic is about to happen, so when it’s said she’s singing “Superstition,” by Stevie Wonder, the wind is cut out of my sails a bit. No disrespect to Stevie, but I almost feel as though Siobhan has committed a bit of false advertising. Perhaps I’m just a shameless, image-driven conclusion-jumper, but I remain optimistic about the performance regardless of its unexpected direction. Miley is clearly a fan of Siobhan’s as well, telling her she loves the “swagger” in her voice. Tickled by this, Siobhan declares Miley’s statement “wicked cool,” which is precisely what I think of Siobhan. In all honesty, however, “Superstition” turns out to possibly be my least favorite performance of hers thus far. It hurt a little to type that. Now, calling this my “least favorite performance” of Siobhan’s is like saying my “least favorite flavor of ice cream,” in that I still thought she was miles out of almost everyone else’s league. For those naysayers who can’t handle the “screaming,” I’m not one who needs her to shriek the glory notes every week – the climax at the end of “Paint it Black” seemed appropriate, but the more nuanced, subtle details in “Wicked Game” or “House of the Rising Sun” prove just as resonant without her polarizing signature “scream,” which I’m afraid could turn into a gimmick if used extraneously, like tonight. “Superstition” is a great song, but I’m not feeling this genre for Siobhan. Randy and Ellen are all over it, however, with Ellen quoting Dickens: “More, please.” Kara astutely comments that Siobhan seems more comfortable on stage than anywhere else and Simon says she didn’t hit her notes as well as she has in past weeks. I have no choice but to agree. Regardless, Siobhan still gets a B+ from me, and I anxiously await her next performance.

With Tuesday’s overwhelming abundance of underwhelming performances, it was difficult to predict the bottom three. I originally foresaw trouble for Paige, Andrew and possibly Didi as the obligatory shocker. How’d it turn out? Paige was the first to be called, along with a surprise guest. To my unabashed glee, Tim’s female fans aren’t as unstoppable as I thought. His painful mediocrity brought him to the bottom three yet again! Didi was safe, and when the third slot came between Andrew and Katie, I thought for sure Andrew was a lock. My jaw dropped open as Katie was this week’s surprise bottom three member, but she was ushered back to safety in mere moments. Paige or Tim? Get your credit cards ready, parents, for Urban fever will officially make it to a town near you courtesy of the Idol tour. Paige left gracefully and was spared the farce of “singing for her life” per the ludicrous Judges’ Save. Thanks, Simon. It’s officially the Top 10, readers! They’re just dropping like flies, aren’t they? Until next week, where Usher will mentor the contestants for R&B night. Should be interesting, to say the least. To quote wordsmiths Usher and Randy Jackson, “Yeah!”

For another take on these episodes, read Raging Mad And Wishing I Didn’t Have To Take It by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episode 24 & 25: Top 11 Performance and Top 11 Results (originally aired March 23 & 24, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker, Ray Mickshaw and IMDbPro.

American Idol: Raging Mad And Wishing I Didn’t Have To Take It

I’m still getting over the early loss of Alex and Lily, but at least I felt like the truly awful weeks were behind us. WRONG! On what should have been a night of, at minimum, some really bad karaoke of my favorite radio songs turned into that same night but for my mom. No one really tried to do anything new or cool or current. (Completely fear-stricken after the judges flip-floppy advice.) Almost everyone sounded horrible, and I’m not exaggerating. Even some of the best performances weren’t anywhere near flawless. (Besides Crystal who I now agree can do no wrong.)

Now, I’m a bitter, angry and saddened viewer who remembers Idol episode one so fondly yet has so much contempt for season nine. I could spew venom right now at the contestants, the judges, the fools who help them cast, FOX, tweens, children with cell phones at way too young an age, and Miley Cyrus. (Really? I am one to nod my head like yeah, but is this the best mentor they could get? Or is she the only successful artist who thinks they can actually help this bunch?) I need a cocktail, so while I freshen my dirty martini, please check out how the contestants fared this week.

TOP 11
11. Paige • “Against All Odds” • Weebles wobble and wobble and wobble. I want to scream, “Why won’t this darn thing stay down!!“ Paige should be down already yet she’s been surging at opportune times. This, unfortunately, wasn’t one of them. I didn’t understand why the crowd was cheering so wildly during her performance, maybe screams of encouragement. The song is so recognizable that the music overpowered her weak, wispy voice. There was no power, no connection, no tune. The judges seemed flabbergasted at the horror. Kara even said that she seemed to have given up, but I can pinpoint few moments that would cause me expect too much better.

10. Andrew • “Heard It Through The Grapevine” • Very rarely does a mentor convince a guitar player to just put the guitar down, but when the lights came up on the big stage, he had stuck to his word. I’m not sure it would have mattered either way because he chose such a strange song. I get that it matches his groovy vibe, but it didn’t fit his voice. If any performance should really be called desperate, it would be this one.  He sang it with an edge, like he was really angry (maybe he should have used that during last week’s “War”). But the song calls for longing and soul. Simon has gone so far as saying his “Straight Up” moment could be overrated. “It wasn’t like listening to Beethoven for the first time.”

9. Tim • “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” • The boy should be proud of himself, not only for getting this far, but for somehow seeming decent in comparison to this bunch. The song immediately evoked feelings of kitchiness. It’s almost a standard to the point that it’s impossible to make it sound current. He sang it within his vocal limits so his voice sounded nice, but without making any changes or having a good range, I was so bored. Simon called it “completely, utterly pointless and stupid.” Sure bouncing around onstage made things more lively, but it also made him look like he was, as Ellen said, auditioning for High School Musical.

8. Katie • “Big Girls Don’t Cry” • What a rare moment. I actually wanted to thank Katie this week. She was the only one of the night to really tackle something current. (I’m still not sure what everyone was afraid of.) What she missed is that Fergie isn’t the best vocalist so the song isn’t really designed to showcase singing chops. It’s also an extremely fast song at times so without Fergie’s performing expertise, it’ll stop you dead in your tracks from wanting to move a muscle while trying to remember the lyrics and belt it out. Vocally, the performance was off, but she took the judges’ “young it up” critique which always gets their kudos. And the song choice, coupled with her fashion update, allowed me to envision her in the style that fits her better.

7. Siobhan • “Superstitious” • So last week, I still saw the flaws, but she swayed me over to the dark side. This week, it was back to the same old Siobhan. I appreciate that each week I wonder what she’ll do. How will the oddball perform? What will be her response to one of Ryan’s asinine questions? All the intrigue and mystery has really become a major part of my Idol viewing experience this season. That’s. How. Bad. Things. Are. So yeah, I want her to stay around, but she needs to sing as well as she does when she’s screeching throughout the entire song. Cause I’m thiiiiis close to being over it.

6. Lee • “The Letter” • It was nice to have an opening act that beckoned the back-up singers and some instruments to the stage. I’d been waiting for someone to really fill that stage. Miley pegged Lee when she said he had a great voice but needed to work on his stage presence. He sang the song with a sweet Joe Cocker vibe, but I didn’t see the leaps in performance that the judges felt. Besides a few off notes (some from exhaustion after bouncing around the stage I believe), I loved his tone which seemed to sit more comfortably in his voice than ever. I agreed with Simon though that it was a random choice that he didn’t make contemporary. I’d never picture myself downloading it, but I commend him for just singing straight and moving around on stage like the old school Idol days.

5. Mike • “When A Man Loves A Woman” • I still contend that Mike may be the smartest guy in the competition. Early on, he switched his sound from boppy, guitar crooner to smooth R&B. He’s been coasting through with strong performances so far, but smartly dialed down his cheese factor a considerable amount this week. I agreed with Randy and Ellen that the song was safe, but he sang the pants off it. But I didn’t jive with Kara and Simon’s assessment that it was overindulgent. He’s an overly expressive singer. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen any of those artists or musicians out there! I did, however, like Simon’s critique that he would have made the performance simpler, stripping away all the other instruments on stage except for the piano.

4. Didi • “You’re No Good” • Why do the judges keep picking on this girl? It wasn’t the best song for such a pretty, young thing, but I wouldn’t say that it wasn’t a good choice based on the sound of her voice. Plus, it wasn’t karaoke and was actually a performance. Very few people brought both good singing AND a lively performance, and almost every one picked a fuddy-duddy tune, yet they always seem to act like she is so much worse than she really is or than everyone else. Their criticisms were all over the board from pitchy to bad song choice to out of character. Simon even said there was irony to her song choice. (See: title) Come on, guys. Let’s not lose another one of the “actually” talented contestants.

3. Aaron • “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing” • Aaron is the youngin growing up before our eyes. He had the guts to tell Miley he loved her, even if it was only to the camera. (She was in audience still!) He has transformed his wardrobe from drip to hip, and his voice put the perfect country twang on the rock ballad, and put one of the best performances of the night with laryngitis and tonsillitis. Maybe we just need to keep passing this bug around to everyone. (I say Andrew gets hit first.) Simon smartly gave him some constructive criticism that while picking songs that accentuate his voice is good, he’s also picking too many songs that make him more old-fashioned than his age.

2. Casey • “The Power Of Love” • Things were different for me and Casey this week, and it’s a good different. I was confused for a moment because he’d left that warble in his voice with the Rolling Stones. His voice was strong, on pitch and sounded clearer than ever. There’s very little I have to bust on, so his issues will be making a song his own. I wish he could have gotten the same critique about losing his guitar because besides his licks at the end, it really added nothing to the performance and only anchored him to his microphone in the middle of the stage. Simon disagreed with everyone feeling it lacked originality.

1. Crystal • “Me And Bobby McGee” • I enjoyed hearing Crystal sing a song that allowed her to show a more vulnerable side to her voice. But I enjoy her most when she’s belting it out with crazy emotion and fervor, and she brought that and more to this performance. I actually smiled at the end which has happened only a handful of times so far. (So sad…) Kara and Ellen both want to see more personality which got Crystal to hint that next week could be a guitar-less week. But Randy, Simon and I wouldn’t change a thing. (And really, Simon, stop suggesting that she should.)

IDOLS RETURN
Okay, so none of our past Idol hopefuls or winners returned to the stage this week, and it looks like we’ve reached the stage in the competition where mentors come to the show to get in some airtime during performance nights and pimp their singles on results night. We were oh-so-lucky enough to hear Miley sing “When I Look At You,” also conveniently from her new movie The Last Song, and Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas teamed up on a duet to “Make A Wave”, with such riveting lyrics as “so throw a pebble into the water and make a wave.”

CURTAIN CALL
Like many weeks prior, there were a number of combinations that could have filled out this week’s bottom three and a few hopefuls that deserved to go home. If I could ship off multiple contestants in one night, I would, but I’m not steering this ship so I’ll have to be satisfied with one.

Paige, Tim and Katie were in the bottom, and I was a little confused by the fact that Andrew has eluded the top three so many times. I like him, as a person, enough that I want him to stick around longer than Idol’s version of Taylor Lautner (all abs, little substance), but thought Katie has proven to a better singer and less frustrating. Whereas Andrew has yet to choose a song or give a performance that I really like, Katie has, at least, improved.

It doesn’t really matter because it was the deserving Paige who got the ax. She did choose the right song, her zesty performance of “All Right Now,” but too little too late since Simon told her there’s no reason to get her hopes up. No matter how she sings, she’s still going home. The judges must be eating crow after calling her the best voice in the competition. The judges will save the “save” for the day when Siobhan or Crystal are confronted with the possibility of going home. But, hopefully, this never happens before Top 5.

GREAT MOMENTS
This week was a major bummer, so I thought it’d be nice to leave you with some of the more entertaining and fun parts of the show. Those do still exist and deserve to be spotlighted more now than ever!

• The look on Simon’s face after Ellen rambled on for about one minute about a pen that was supposed to be a metaphor for Lee. Yeah, I had that same look, Simon.
• Ryan inquiring about some huge bobble ring that Paige got from someone in the audience and then pointing out to Simon that it was a good example of what he should be looking for…::hint::hint::.
• The sweet screen they’ve installed and turned into the walkway between the judges’ table and the stage. There was a super cool shot under Ryan’s feet of Crystal’s guitar with Miley autograph and words of encouragement. It flashed right before she started singing and was really cute.
• Crystal and her magic carpet square that she used to decorate the cold, gray stage. She even got Ryan to sit on the floor for her mini-interview after performing.

For another take on this week’s episodes, check out The Eleventh Hour by Erin Biglow.

Season 9, Episode 24 & 25: Top 11 Performance and Top 11 Results (originally aired March 23 & 24, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker, Ray Mickshaw and IMDbPro.

The Vampire Diaries: Who would Jenny Schecter bite?

It has been too long, vamplings. The second monthlong hiatus this year means I can’t tell one carefully-groomed twentysomething from another, so bear with me if I forget a few names or relevant plotlines. Something about juju? Vampire threesomes? I don’t know anymore. More importantly, Julie Cooper (The OC’s Dragon Lady!) and Mia Kirshner (The L Word’s raisonneur) are guesting. The Powers That Be–or McG and Ilene Chaiken, I guess–are smiling on us tonight. I smell a crazy-off!

The emaciated zompire (vambie?) escapee from the end of the last episode periodically wanders through town, feeding on the odd hiker and flinching from the fast pace of modern life in Mystic Falls. He eventually meets up with Anna and Pearl, which is really all you need to know about his storyline.

Through the magical help of Bing (this show is really trying to make Bing happen), Elena and Aunt Whatsherface discover that Elena’s birth mother is none other than Isobel, Alaric’s dead wife. Elena’s not exactly thrilled to add another dead parent to the stable, but she hunts down Isobel’s old friend Trudie Peterson to get some answers. What she gets are evasions, a teacup full of vervain, and a menacing encounter with a shadowy guy lurking in the street.

In this week’s non-vampire storyline, Matt’s ne’er-do-well mother comes back from her latest bender just in time to catch him in the act with Caroline. Within five minutes, she manages to insult Caroline straight out of the house, mix herself a stiff drink, and creepily quiz her son about his sex life. Matt wants to know what she’s doing back in town. Um, being awesome?

For some reason, Aunt Whatsherface decides to tell Alaric that his dead wife is her niece’s birth mother–right after kissing him–which seems both ill-timed and unnecessary.  Alaric meets up with Stefan on the village green to hash out exactly what Elena does and doesn’t know about Isobel. Alaric wants Stefan to get more answers out of Damon, and after a brief gravelly-voiced/chin-flexing competition, Stefan agrees.

Flashback: Mia Kirshner is typing furiously at a laptop and ignoring her boyfriend–just like the first season of The L Word. She exposits that Mystic Falls is Vampire Ground Zero, which is apparently part of her dissertation. What the hell kind of a graduate program offers a degree in cryptozoology? Besides Evergreen, natch.

Alaric and Damon have a subtext-laden conversation at the local bar, after which Damon decides to do a little sleuthing of his own, courtesy of the town’s sexy butch cop. He’s apparently not too broken up about the news of Katherine’s betrayal to use SBCop’s crush on him to advantage–Damon agrees to participate in a charity bachelor auction if she digs up the dirt on Alaric. Back at the house, Damon swaggers in circles around Elena, but she’s all, “How are you doing, REALLY?” He pulls out every trick in the book, even feigning helplessness with his buttons, but all she wants to talk about is her other dead mom. Best of all, Damon calls Elena “our girlfriend,” and Stefan totally lets it slide.

The auction is a beautiful shitshow. Julie Cooper–who everyone calls Kelly Donovan, but we know better–humiliates Caroline for no good reason and insists on referring to Elena as the one who “broke Matt’s heart.” You don’t need to be a vampire to draw blood. Damon finally places Alaric and Isobel together, and announces that he knew Isobel back in the day during the Q-and-A portion of the auction, adding that she was delicious. Elena bitches out Damon for eating her mom, then bolts outside, where Lurky McStrangerDanger is waiting. He warns her to stop asking questions about Isobel and then steps in front of a passing truck. That’s one way to end a conversation, certainly. Elena snatches his cell phone and then flees the scene.

At the Casa Salvatore, Alaric tries to attack Damon with an elaborately carved antique stake, which prompts Damon to ask if he’s really that stupid. Seriously, after laying low for so long, it does seem like he could have at least waited until Damon was drunk or something. Especially given that Damon seems drunk about 2.8 times per episode. Alaric accuses Damon of turning Isobel just because he liked her. Damon: “No, I slept with her because I liked her. I turned her because she begged me to.” He follows up by stabbing Alaric in the chest, mentioning it “sounds like I got a lung.” Man, he gets all the best lines. Alaric dies slowly on the rug while Damon watches.

Stefan comes home, and Damon insists that he acted in self-defense. He’s also convinced that Katherine sent Isobel after him for some reason. Sure, pal. She wanted to call you, too, she just forgot your number. After Damon leaves in a haze of bourbon and delusion, Alaric twitches awake. Stefan wonders if Damon’s turned him, but it turns out the ugly-ass ring Alaric’s been sporting has some sort of protective properties, and has saved his life. I guess we can look forward to more installments of the world’s mopiest history teacher.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Baby Mama Drama by Matt DeGroot.

Season 1, Episode 15: A Few Good Men (originally aired March 25, 2010)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Bob Mahoney, and Quantrell Colbert.

The Vampire Diaries: Baby Mama Drama

Along with every other show on the CW The Vampire Diaries is only on in bursts of new episodes here and there but this week finally brought us a new one and if we’re lucky it’ll keep on chugging until it reaches a finale for this first season. Shows like this rely almost purely on momentum so the fewer breaks, the better in my humble opinion. Unfortunately this week’s episode barely got the show back out of neutral with a storyline focused heavily on the identity of Elena’s birth mother and barely kept me awake as a result.

Now maybe I spaced it out in the weeks without a new episode but I wasn’t even aware that the identity of Elena’s parents was a concern, much less a pressing one but it was suddenly very urgent and important here. Elena (Nina Dobrev) turns to her Aunt Jenna (Sara Canning) for information on her mother and she helps by using Bing in the most blatant product placement I’ve seen in months. It turns out her mom’s name was Isobel Peterson, which could be an alias but either way this alias happens to have a friend, Trudie, who still lives in town. I love it when a maternity search comes together! Who needs Maury Povich?

Elena promptly pays a visit to Trudie who quickly confirms that her friend Isobel was indeed pregnant before she disappeared and that Elena is most definitely her daughter but is clueless as to who the father was. She starts out all nice and sweet but then slips some anti-vampire drug into Elena’s tea, which is a pretty good sign that she knows more than she’s letting on. Nevertheless, Elena is sufficiently creeped out and leaves just before a mystery man shows up and kills Trudie.

To add even more complication to the situation we learn that Alaric (Matthew Davis), the mysterious history teacher of Mystic Falls (everyone is mysterious there) had a wife named Isobel who we previously learned was killed by Damon (Ian Somerhalder) a few years back. I think you see where this is going and it ain’t pretty.

Stefan/King Dreamboat (Paul Wesley) takes the lead in breaking the whole case open for everyone by consulting with Alaric, Damon, and Elena all separately. Damon, not knowing Elena is involved yet, acts like the ass that he is and mocks Alaric for killing Isobel in the middle of a bachelor auction and Alaric gets instantly angry. Can’t say I blame him.

Meanwhile outside, the mystery man who killed Trudie walks up to Stefan and Elena and tells her to stop looking for Isobel and that “she doesn’t want to see you.” Ouch. But at least she’s alive! They should get more information out of this guy! They try but he’s promptly run over by a truck. They respond by taking his phone and walking away.

I wish I were kidding.

Back at home after the auction Alaric stupidly confronts Damon with a knife and is quickly killed but not before Damon reveals that Isobel isn’t dead, but was instead turned into a vampire by request! I was kind of hoping that Damon would end up being Elena’s father but I’ll take this ridiculous twist as a condolence prize.

Damon leaves Alaric for what he thinks is dead in the living room but Stefan soon enters the room and Alaric magically beams back to life thanks to a magic ring given to him by Isobel. All together now: LAME!

The episode ends with Elena using road kill guy’s phone to call his recently dialed number and hears the voice of her mother, Isobel, for the first time! And yet despite all of the fanfare to get to that point, I just didn’t care.

I can’t forget to mention though the dull and pointless subplots. At the end of the last episode we saw one vampire escape from the much ballyhooed tomb and in this episode we see him wander around killing people here and there until he reaches a house in the woods where Pearl (Kelly Hu) and other refugee vamps are hiding out. Think vampire commune but homier. I have a feeling that the writers are going to drag this little point out for the rest of the season…

And finally the king of all pointless plot-lines continues with the relationship between Matt (Zach Roerig) and Caroline (Candice Accola) blooming further. Matt’s alcoholic mom shows up and hates on Caroline for no good reason but that’s the extent of anything interesting happening there. Will one of them finally be eaten or something next week? Let’s hope so.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Who would Jenny Schecter bite? by Mallory Elis.

Season 1, Episode 15: A Few Good Men (originally aired March 25, 2010)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Bob Mahoney, and Quantrell Colbert.

Supernatural: Night of the Living Dead

Zombies were in the house in this episode of Supernatural and while I love seeing my Winchester boys in action, I was a little disappointed that there wasn’t more story development. The character I really wanted to see didn’t even show up and the zombies weren’t that scary.

This was a pretty Bobby-centric episode though and we discover more about his past as we meet his dead wife who rose from the grave along with fourteen other corpses. It turns out that he had killed her while she was being possessed by a demon and then cremated her body. He even keeps the truth from Sam and Dean at the beginning as they investigate a lead on a murder, but the thing is the killer has been dead for five years. So this guy climbed out of his coffin and went to find the person who had killed him and exacted revenge. Then he went back to his house, wife, and kids. That’s where Sam and Dean find him and get arrested by the town sheriff for attempting to shoot a zombie in the middle of the street. The brothers feel like they’ve entered the twilight zone. The sheriff by the way is played by Kim Rhodes who is more known to me as Carey Martin, mother of Zack and Cody from Disney Channel’s The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

Bobby ends up bailing them out and they head back to his house where they meet his newly reanimated wife who can’t seem to stop baking. Sam and Dean are furious of course demanding to know why he lied to them. After the elder hunter explains that there’s nothing wrong with his wife and he had tried salt, holy water, and everything else he could think of to see if it was the work of demons. He’s just happy that he has a second chance with her. Sam and Dean know though that it’s too good to be true and ask Bobby what would he do in their shoes.

Soon the zombies start turning and there is a great scene when the sheriff’s corpse son has a fever and keeps telling his mom that he’s hungry. What does she do? Call the doctor as if the kid is still alive and he’s just sick. That made me laugh a lot because it seemed so absurd that she thought a doctor could cure this illness. In the next scene the husband gets eaten by the dead kid and the sheriff’s next, except Sam comes in time to save her.

Turns out that the zombies were the work of Death, intending to take Bobby out of the way because he’d been one of the reasons that Sam was still saying no to Lucifer. Bringing his dead wife back was meant to break his spirit and the others to just eat him. Too bad we never actually see this apocalyptic horseman. We only know Death is very skinny and almost like a skeleton.

Sadly Bobby ends up shooting his wife after she convinces him to because she didn’t want to harm him. Gotta feel bad for the old guy because this is the second time that he’s killed the love of his life. You hope that he pulls through this and continues the fight against Lucifer, the angels, and the demons. As the only father figure and family that Sam and Dean have left, it would be a big blow to them not to have his support.

Overall this was a filler episode. It was nice to see them again after a hiatus but let’s get on with the apocalypse!

Season 5, Episode 15: Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid (Originally aired March 25, 2010)

For more on Supernatural, click here.

Thursdays at 9/8C on The CW

Photograph courtesy of The CW and Jack Rowand.

America’s Next Top Model: Girl Code

So I finally managed to catch an episode of this new season. As I watched the girls try and live together, fight, spear each other behind their backs, and act like everything is fine in front of Tyra, I had flashbacks to my first semester living in the sorority house. Before we all realized it would not inspire future generations of sisterly bonding if we murdered one another.

First, the modeling. This week their challenge was a two-parter. The first portion consisted of a hard fought designer/model knowledge trivia game. I would have failed. Epically. Then the winning team got to go on a go see, and the client picked a winner. The clients laughed quietly behind their hands and mocked several of the contestants once they left the room. Classy. Simone won the challenge, then went on to take a boring, vanilla photograph.

The photographs were shot based on different styles of dance, which I enjoyed and thought was a brilliant idea. Maybe I’m addicted to dance shows. That’s probably it. My favorite were crunker Angelea, interpretive dancer Alasia (who won best photo), salsa dancer Jessica, and Jazz girl Alexandra. I hated, HATED, Brenda’s photo of African dance.  The others were kind of so-so for me. Simone’s hip-hop portrayal lacked spirit as well.

The drama at the house was the story of the episode, and it centered around whiny baby Ren. She moped. She cried. She lamented the “hostile” environment of the house. She told the girls the only reason she came on the show was to win her mother’s love and approval. I’m sorry, what? How old are you? I mean, most girls I know have some issues dealing with their mothers, but to turn your life upside down and make yourself miserable in a career so she MIGHT be proud of you? No. That’s crazy. The other girls didn’t seem to like her much. I wouldn’t either, if I were competing against a girl who didn’t even want to be there. She’s trying to steal someone’s dream and she doesn’t even want it. I sort of wanted to kick her in the face.

That said, she did everything she could to escalate the drama in the house, especially when she decided to sneak around and tell Brenda the other girls were talking about her behind her back. In my opinion, this episode was an exercise in bad girl code. Too much talking behind girls’ backs, trying to undermine confidence, and opening your mouth when things are none of your business. Not that girls don’t do those things, but trying to avoid them makes living with girls so much easier. Sorority house lessons.

Ren ended up going home. She made the right decision. Finally. Her photo was awful anyway. I have a short digression in girl code of my own: What is UP with Raina’s eyebrows? Seriously. They. Are. Abominable.

Until next week, fashion lovers.

Get more information about the show, contestants, or judges here.

Season 14, Episode 3: Let’s Dance (originally aired March 24, 2010)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Barbara Nitke, Cade Martin, and David M. Russell.

Bristol Palin and The Secret Life of the American Teenager: A Complete and Total Explanation of Absolutely Everything

The Singularity is at hand. Please keep all arms and legs inside your vehicle until cultural acceleration has come to a complete stop. This is the truth, and the truth is Bristol Palin.

If you exist, you have already absorbed the news—probably by osmosis—that Bristol will be appearing on an upcoming episode of ABC Family’s The Secret Life of the American Teenager. She will be playing herself. This surprises you? It should not. She has always been playing herself. The fact that Palin will play a fictionalized version of herself (already a manifestation of America’s fears and anxieties about teen sexuality OR SOMETHING) next alongside Molly Ringwald (the 1980s manifestation of the American alt-teen ideal) is so awesome that it could power a small city for two weeks.  That is the television equivalent of a duet between Hannah Montana and Courtney Love. This shit is so beyond; it’s like having a stroke.

Oh, what’s that? You’re tired of the cultural onslaught of Palinification? You’ve had enough of Handgate and Levi Johnston’s penis and jazz flutes and extreme wolf-hunting snowmobile races? That, my friend, is because you do not ‘get it.’ You have chronic Palin fatigue syndrome, and the only cure is more Palin.  This is because the entire Palin family is (probably) a group of performance artists developing the most elaborate installation/happening that America has ever seen. The Palins are the Holy Family times David Sedaris divided by Lady Gaga, and we are front-row-center at the Best. Concert. Ever.

Consider this: Bristol Palin is currently spokesteenmom for the Candie’s Foundation, the pregnancy-fighting wing of a clothing company for tween girls, a la Claire’s Accessories (aka the store in the mall where you got your ears pierced when you were twelve, unless you got your ears pierced at The Icing, in which case I don’t even have anything to say to you). This is their latest ad campaign. That sound you just heard is the circus packing up and leaving town, because pop culture JUST FINISHED ITSELF. Every last ironic forwardslash between un/reality and in/outsider has been deleted. There is no spoon.

The Secret Life of the American Teenager returns to ABC Family this June.

For more television reviews, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC Family and IMDbPro.

Dancing With the Stars: A Bachelor, a Baller, and a “Buzz!”

It’s that familiar time of year again, when flowers bloom and celebrities get the hankering to make fools of themselves on live television.  What could be better than the newest edition of Dancing With the Stars?  Sans the very annoying Samantha Harris in favor of season 7 winner Brooke Burke, this season promises less annoying banter between dances.  Featuring the likes of Chad Ochocinco and even the legendary Buzz Aldrin, this season should be entertaining if nothing else.  Most of the usual pros have returned, except for Karina Smirnoff.  So let’s get right to it.

Chad Ochocinco/Cheryl Burke

They have given Chad a big advantage by partnering him with Cheryl, who has won twice.  Ochocinco is pretty serious about the task at hand, and it seems like he’s bringing his pro football work ethic to the ballroom.  When Cheryl tries to encourage him he tells her not to compliment him unless he really deserves it.  Their Cha Cha Cha was very entertaining, and unlike a few of the ballers before him, Chad has great footwork.  He actually seems like he has the most natural rhythm of any of the past footballers.  Better than Michael Irvin for sure.  The judges were complimentary, but when it came time to deliver the scores I was puzzled.  Chad only earned 6s across the board. Cheryl was very proud of his effort and I actually expect Ochocinco to go pretty far in the competition.

Shannen Doherty/Mark Ballas

Shannon, best known for her role as Brenda Walsh, performed the Viennese Waltz.  Her ailing father served as inspiration and she was visibly moved after the performance.  In rehearsals Mark thought she showed great promise, but she was nervous during the performance.  I didn’t think it was bad, but here is where professional opinion reigns supreme.  The judges thought her footwork was poor and that she made several mistakes.  Again, to the untrained eye it wasn’t too bad, but what do I know?  The judges applauded her bravery for taking on such a difficult routine, but Bruno commented that she swung her arms like a primate! LMAO.  I’ve been watching this show from day one and I’ve seen many celebs come and go.  Shannon is NOT that bad.  Carrie Ann hopes she sticks around and so do I.  Like Chad, she received 6s across the board.

Erin Andrews/Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Erin Andrews is best known as the hottest sideline reporter on ESPN.  She has a legion of male fans and they are all probably tuning in to see her strut her stuff. In rehearsal she’s a perfectionist with a sharp tongue, telling Maks that she asked for Tony instead of him LOL.  I can see that she will need to learn to relinquish control to Maks, as she corrects herself before she even makes a mistake.  Their Cha Cha Cha was adequate, but I noticed that her arms seemed to flail about and it wasn’t very graceful.  Other than that she was fine; her footwork was good.  Carrie Ann commented on her arms also, but overall the judges were complimentary and positive.  She received 7s across the board, which is very respectable for week 1.

Jake Pavelka/Chelsie Hightower

Next up is The Bachelor, Jake Pavelka.  He was pretty clumsy during rehearsal and I had my doubts about whether or not he’d do well.  I was pleasantly surprised by his Viennese Waltz, which was graceful and charming.  He’s such a sweetie!  ABC, we get it: he was The Bachelor; did you have to dump roses on the audiences’ head after he danced?  Len thought he moved well and was pleased that he danced in hold the entire time.  There were a few missteps and his posture must improve, but overall the judges thought he did a good job.  He needs to tone down his expectations more and go with the flow, and he’ll be ok.  Carrie Ann said his lines were gorgeous and that he has a bravado that is easy to watch.  Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 6 Bruno: 7

Niecy Nash/Louis van Amstel

One of the things I like about Dancing With the Stars is that I’m often very surprised at how great some of the stars are, even the ones who don’t seem like they’d be able to dance.  I wasn’t expecting Niecy to be as good as she was, based on her larger than zero size, but boy was I wrong.  Homegirl did her thing! She’s comfortable with her size and “likes her jiggly parts.”  She said she wants to prove that she doesn’t have to be the chubby girl that stands in the back, and she did just that.  Her Cha Cha Cha bubbled with energy and personality, and her footwork was great.  We’re through four performances and I don’t see any obvious weak links in this bunch! With her likeable and funny personality, Nash is sure to be a fan favorite.  Bruno said she went wrong quite a few times.  Carrie Ann enjoyed the energy, and Len praised her ‘clean’ performance.  I think Niecy was just happy she remembered all of her steps.  Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 5 Bruno: 6

Evan Lysacek/Anna Trebunskaya

Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek has been paired with Anna and is looking to prove that he has dance ability.  His Viennese Waltz was okay, but something about it lacked refinement.  I can’t quite put my finger on it.  There were a few awkward, unpolished moments.  Still, it wasn’t bad.  Carrie Ann really liked it and said he had gorgeous lines, but that he needs to connect with the audience more.  Len liked his artistry and elegance but said that he had clumsy feet. Bruno said he was graceful but that he should work on the connection with his partner.  Carrie Ann: 8 Len: 7 Bruno: 8 Clearly they saw something that I did not.

Buzz Aldrin/Ashley Costa

I can’t believe there’s a real American Hero on the show.  I don’t want anyone to be mean to him!  He’s an old man, and he’s Buzz Aldrin!  He’s adorable, but after watching him in rehearsals I’m concerned about his ability to keep up.  He’s an octogenarian for crying out loud.  His Cha Cha Cha was rather painful.  He’s understandably stiff and his motion isn’t very fluid.  He hung in there though, and I applaud him for that; he’s a brave sport.  Did I mention how adorable he is? The judges weren’t as enamored, but at least they were respectful and appreciative of his bravery.  It’s hard for them to criticize a hero and a legend, but Bruno gave it a try, remarking that it looked as if Buzz still had on his moonboots. Carrie Ann just said how cute he was.  If Buzz sticks around for a while it will be difficult for the judges to critique him. Carrie Ann: 5 Len: 4 Bruno: 5

Nicole Scherzinger/Derek Hough

We all know this Pussycat Doll can dance in the pop arena, but can she handle ballroom?  Well, she’s got a great partner so I expect good things from this pair.  Hopefully Nicole dances better than she sings.  Oops did I say that?  Rehearsals seem to go well for them, as Nicole has a bit of prior experience and a goofy rapport with Derek.  Their Viennese Waltz is classy and elegant.  Her lines and posture were impeccable, earning her the top spot among all week 1 contestants. Bruno was pleased and astounded.  Carrie Ann said it was incredible and that she set the bar.  Len was predictably sour.  He said it was a great performance but was very critical.  Carrie Ann: 9 Len: 7 Bruno: 9

Aiden Turner/Edyta Sliwinska

Aiden is a star on All My Children if you’re as clueless about this guy as I was.  He’s pretty hot and he and Edyta should have good chemistry.  They begin the competition with the Cha Cha Cha, which I didn’t think was as good as Chad’s.  It was adequate but nothing special or exciting.  He’s not bad, so hopefully he’ll be around long enough to improve. Carrie Ann liked the approach but thought the dance was disjointed and didn’t go anywhere.  Len said there’s a dancer in there but the routine was full of everything that he doesn’t like.   Bruno said nothing was going on in the groin and it wasn’t hot.  He even said Aiden was as bad as Kenny Mayne! Bruno’s on a roll LMAO.  5s across the board.

Kate Gosselin/Tony Dovolani

You know who Kate is.  Boy does she look different! I think her participation on this season is just as much of a message to Jon as it is to everyone else.  She seemed to have a negative attitude during rehearsal, but I think she needs to work on her disposition if she wants to stick around because I’m not sure she’s a favorite with voters, although she did appeal to all the moms out there.  Her Viennese Waltz was not nearly as good as Nicole’s, but it was passable.  Honestly all the Waltzes look the same, and it’s hard for me to appreciate the difficulty it takes to perform this dance.  Wearing a dress the color of Pepto Bismol, Kate did her best.  Meh, I don’t see her sticking around too long. Len said that she looked nervous and had no fluidity.  Bruno said the technique was terrible and that it looked like Tony was pushing a shopping cart around the stage.  Damn Bruno is killing ‘em tonight!  Carrie Ann noted that Kate is not a performer or athlete like everyone else and that this is really new for her, but that she was impressed by Kate’s “sweet vulnerability.” Carrie Ann: 6 Len: 5 Bruno: 5

Pam Anderson/Damian Whitewood

Pam needs no introduction.  Her professional partner is a newbie though, at least to the show.  Pam admits to being tone deaf, so this should be interesting.  Their rehearsal seems disjointed and unfocused, so I’m curious to see what the finished product looks like.  She’s a sweetie, so I’m sure she’ll have a good attitude throughout the competition.  Her Cha Cha Cha was sexy (of course she can handle that part) and her footwork was much better than I thought it’d be.  This might be the strongest group of celebrities yet, with Buzz being the only contestant not up to par.  But back to Pam.  Bruno said he can only think of sex, sex, and more sex and exclaimed for Pam to “do it to him.”  Carrie Ann said she looked forward to Pam’s performance the most, and she did not disappoint.  It looked for a moment like Pam had put a spell on the judges, until Grumpy Grandpa Len chimed in that he thought the dance was a “mess.”  Pam’s a riot, this should be fun. Carrie Ann: 7 Len: 6 Bruno: 8

As I said before, this is a strong group and I’m looking forward to an awesome season.  I think they reduced the number of contestants from last season and that’s a good thing.  They replaced Samantha and that’s also a good thing. Brooke Burke can relate to the celebs as a past contestant and she has a better rapport with them.  Since this is week 1 and they want to give the stars a fair shake, there will be no eliminations this week.  Nicole is in first place and Buzz is in last place.  Tune in next week to see who’ll be the first to go home!

Season 10, Week 1: Round 1: Part 1 (originally aired March 22, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Mondays and Tuesdays at 8/7c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey

Gossip Girl: It Begins With a Trickle

“…and the person I lost it (my virginity) to had left town. Never to be heard from again for a year.”

This is my funny quote of the week. You can’t be never heard from again if you are heard from again in a year. Just sayin’, Nate. Just sayin’.

But onto the recap. Rufus (Matthew Settle) and Lily (Kelly Rutherford) reconcile this week, bonding over their worry for Jenny and her increasingly reckless behavior. Yawn. Then Lily’s mother calls and Lily agrees to get on the next plane to see Serena’s father again. My guess on this twist? Lily is the one who is sick, not her mother.

Jenny (Taylor Momsen) wonders if maybe Damian (Kevin Zegers) is the one. Not the one she’ll marry, but the one she wants to lose her virginity to. Because really, what young girl doesn’t lie in bed at night and dream of one day falling for a lying, verbally abusive drug dealer? Anyway, she changes her mind all by herself at the last minute, and Damian dumps her. That guy is full of so much class. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of him. At least Jenny has a small amount of intelligence intact. I worried the peroxide and bleach had fumigated it right out of her brain.

Dan (Penn Badgley) and Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) are still having lots of good sex, but Dan isn’t ready to tell people (especially his family) that they are more than just friends. Their storyline continues to be cute, including this week’s, which ends in their decision to go ahead and let the cat out of the bag, so to speak. We’ll see how that goes over in weeks to come.

Nate (Chace Crawford) and Serena (Blake Lively) are also going strong, though they hit a few bumps when Nate basically calls her a slut. Which is something you never want to call your girlfriend, in my opinion. He is concerned (a little TOO much so, in my opinion) with Jenny’s situation. He says it’s because when he lost his own virginity to Serena his feelings were crushed when she disappeared the next day. Still, he runs after Jenny and leaves Dan – HER BROTHER – at the party. I wonder if they aren’t going to bring the Nate and Jenny possibility back. I hope not. With all of my bitter, frozen little heart.

So, Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester). The writers created a random thread in which Chuck is being sued due to unfounded accusations of his sexual harassment of hotel employees. Of course it’s not true. When has Chuck ever been known to seduce hotel employees? Oh, right. At any rate, the evil Uncle Jack (Desmond Harrington) makes an appearance and offers to take over operations of the hotel while things blow over. He gets the expected “over my dead body” reaction, and then plants a seed of doubt regarding the legitimacy of Chuck’s mother. Chuck asks for permission to do a DNA test, crushing the woman’s heart and distancing Blair. When it turns out she is his mother, Chuck asks her to take over the hotel and lets his guard down, trusting her. This is obviously going to bite him in the rear. I saw it coming before Evil Jack showed up and revealed he is in cahoots with the mother. What a B that woman is. Seriously.

I feel a tad better. Everyone is no longer happy. Jenny isn’t. Have I mentioned I loathe her character? Loathe. Rufus and Lily think they are, but Lily is about to run off lying again. Nate and Serena had a bumpy week. Life is about to turn upside down for Chuck and Blair. I worry Chuck’s going to find a way to blame his mother’s betrayal on Blair, since she pushed him to welcome her into his life. I hope not. Gossip Girl without Chuck and Blair would be a Monday night torture device for me. Overall the episode was a bit weak, though I still laughed at the writing. I’m still hoping for more drama in the weeks to come.

Season 3, Episode 14: The Sixteen Year Old Virgin (originally aired March 22, 2009)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

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