American Idol: It’s Only Rock ‘n Roll

This week on American Idol, the producers are determined to let us know without debate that The Show has officially begun. As the stage is ineffably illuminated in alarming red and our Top 12 contestants are displayed in a no-nonsense lineup, Seacrest caps off an unusually brief intro with the succinct “Welcome to the main event.” Indeed, there is little else to say at the moment. After weeks and weeks of incessant buildup, for the first time I’m taken aback by the sheer grandiosity of The Show – I can only imagine how intimidated the contestants must be. Like many Idol spectators, my exposure to previous seasons ranged from intermittent to nonexistent prior to the unveiling of the Top 12, when The Show really does begin for a large number of the viewing population. For the first time, I’m already emotionally invested in a couple of the contestants and used to the more demure surroundings earlier stages of the competition have to offer.

To wit, I’m startled when an unknown announcer’s voice reverberates throughout the studio to introduce the judges. I feel like Wayne and Garth in Wayne’s World when they do the Noah’s Arcade-sponsored episode of their show and are flummoxed by the strange voice reading their signature opening line. It’s like Wayne’s basement, you see, but it’s not Wayne’s basement. After the sweeping camera captures the amplified audience and expanded studio, the judges walk downstage after emerging from behind the JumboTron, making their way to the panel while Seacrest descends the equally pervasive staircase, making his way to center stage. This whole charade is making everything else I’ve labeled as melodramatic this season look like pure amateurish fodder. Now this is American Idol.

 In addition to the more lavish production quality, Idol tradition is as intact as ever regarding the contestants. The Top 12 are simply beaming on stage, the obvious recipients of the now-customary finalist makeovers. Most are good-looking kids to begin with, but they’re all being presented in shinier packaging this week, surely to further distance them from what they formerly knew as normal anonymity.

We’re reminded of this week’s theme: an apparent tribute to the music of the Rolling Stones. For the unaware kiddies watching tonight, an informational video is shown summarizing the history of the band, particularly the songwriting duo of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, and the influence the Stones hath wrought on contemporary music for decades. I notice neither Jagger nor Richards (or any of the Stones, for that matter) served as mentors for the contestants or are appearing as guest judges. Too bad, because a Stones cameo – from Richards in particular – would have been one for the record books if just for the surely hilarious banter with the judges and Seacrest.

Big Mike is opening the show tonight, after the obligatory video montage giving us a glimpse into his childhood and upbringing. This is a two-hour episode, after all. On a more somber note, however, we learn Mike started to focus on music more intensely after the death of his mother. He’s singing “Miss You,” and his performance cements my suspicions that the Big Mike we knew before the semifinals has permanently flown the coop. With his Jason Mraz and Maroon 5 days behind him, he has inadvertently been crowned the R&B king of this season since he entered the Top 24 with a killer rendition of James Brown’s “This is a Man’s World.” While I think this is certainly the right genre for Big Mike, his onstage antics seem to convey his insatiable desire to blow the judges away every week. In short, he’s starting to try too hard. He begins the song with his arms inexplicably extended, as though he were about to take off. From this point on, his physical efforts only get hammier and start to distract from the loveliness of his voice. While Ellen and Kara have nothing to offer but praise, Randy’s not crazy about the arrangement of the song and Simon’s in my corner, saying the dancing was “corny” and “verging on desperate.” The singing was pure, valid showmanship, however, and methinks Big Mike will definitely get a chance to take the cheesy moves down a notch when he comes back next week. B+

Didi Benami is next, and we learn her mother is an adorable ball of anxiety – she’s actually too nervous to watch the judges’ critiques and has to turn the volume down. Hee! Departing from the usual sunny disposition she displays in even her most solemn performances, tonight Didi is singing “Playing With Fire” and showing a darker edge to her demeanor. To me, it’s the best her voice has sounded and I’m impressed with the risky song choice. She flubs a lyric and I start to fear for her composure, but she recovers well in spite of a slightly shaky ending. Ellen mentions Didi’s ability to sing the word “fire” as though it were “two syllables,” which I’m pretty sure it already is, melismatic approach or not. Randy is equally useless, delivering the painfully obvious “You’re on fire!” while Kara brings a bit more substance, noting the dichotomy of Didi’s inherent sweetness with the “eeriness” of the song. Simon wraps things up by agreeing with the “very cool choice of song,” but says Didi could still do better. This is my favorite performance of hers since Hollywood Week’s “Terrified,” and if she does indeed improve consistently, she could be a contender for the win. A-

Casey James (of Cool, Texas — natch) is part of a large, close-knit family of musicians. His mom is wearing a Casey James t-shirt and has a whole groupie-with-a-heart-of-gold vibe about her, giving me visions of her past as a character not unlike Penny Lane in Almost Famous. I have no doubt in my mind she’s got some stories from the road, man. Casey humbly states he’s the “least talented” member of the James clan before ripping it up on stage with a Stones oldie, “It’s All Over Now.” He clearly loves playing the electric guitar and translates this to his vocal performance – his best in weeks, and light years beyond the Gavin DeGraw tune from the semifinals. I notice he’s the first contestant to stay in one place while performing, instead of using the expansive space the new stage has to offer. Simon notices this, too, thus declaring the performance more of an “audition” rather than a star-making showcase. Kara’s having none of this, saying Casey actually is a “rock star” this week, instead of merely “trying” to be one as he has in prior outings. Ellen says, “most women’s hearts will race” at the sight of Casey. She then drolly deadpans, “But for people like me…” to the delighted guffaws of the audience, judges, contestants and one particular reviewer (ahem) alike. Almost as funny is the sight of statuesque Casey standing next to, um, diminutive Seacrest. As for Casey’s performance, I hope he stays on this bluesy, soulful track instead of veering toward country. B+

There’s a cardinal rule in fashion I’ve heard sources ranging from the marvelous Tim Gunn to the insufferable Tyra Banks advise the public: Before leaving the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off. Lacey Brown, please learn this, live this and love this. I actually worship the overall aesthetic of her style, but tonight she just has too much stuff on. It’s a sartorial faux pas I’ve been guilty of numerous times, and I still have to remind myself simplicity is key. Moving on. Lacey is from Amarillo, Texas and her parents are pastors. Mom is particularly endearing, with her blonde streaks and hipster glasses. Cute. Lacey’s singing “Ruby Tuesday,” which could be a perfect choice for her, but it’s unfortunately sleepy and rather underwhelming. “The Story,” this is not. It picks up about halfway through, but ends with a tenuous warble and the judges aren’t impressed. Randy halfheartedly says she “kinda held it together,” while Ellen is confused about Lacey sitting during the upbeat parts of the song and standing during the slower parts. It’s a valid point to which Simon elaborates by saying Lacey performs with the over-calculated preciseness of an actress. Kara says it’s “50/50” for her, and I concur. I think Lacey may have to accept her likely status as 12^th place contestant. C+

Andrew Garcia is next, singing “Gimme Shelter.” It’s an exciting choice given the current wartime parallel to the song’s context, and I hope for his sake he lives up to the rampant expectations he has yet to live up to given his Hollywood Week success. Personally, I found last week’s “Genie in a Bottle” borderline offensive and I think he’s stepped it up appropriately, with a serious song sung in a straightforward manner. It isn’t quite great, but offers some of the badly needed redemption Andrew’s looking for. As for his parents, Dad unwisely admits he predicted Andrew would be a custodian (!) but is proud of his musical accomplishments, while his mom takes up half the frame looking lobotomized. Hmm. Andrew’s wife and kid are supremely adorable, though, and I’m still rooting for him to stick around. The judges are, I think, surprisingly harsh save for Ellen, who thinks it’s his “best performance yet.” Randy, however, sighs and tells Andrew it “was pitchy everywhere” (really?!) while Kara bemoans his lack of conviction given the subject matter. Simon thinks Kara is taking things too literally and jokingly quips that Andrew can’t “come on stage with a tank,” but agrees that “something didn’t connect” and bets he probably performed better in rehearsals. I think Andrew has deflected the negative attention from the disappointing past couple of weeks, though, and I give him a solid B.

Katie Stevens is all dressed up to sing (what else?) “Wild Horses,” because, according to her, the “lyrics spoke to me.” As in, wild horses couldn’t drag her away from her destined stardom. Puke. I’m sure she’s a genuinely nice kid in real life, but her annihilation of Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway” last week and repeated lack of charisma have rendered me an official non-fan in Idol context. Seacrest patronizingly asks her point-blank who the lead singer of the Rolling Stones is – she had just finished explaining how her dad introduced her to “all different types of music” as a kid – and her deer-in-headlights expression is priceless. She gets the answer right, by the way, after a frightening pause. To my chagrin, Katie sounds infinitely better this week, in spite of the garish spotlight threatening to set her hair on fire. Her stage presence is also exponentially more distinct than ever. However, her lower register is far superior to the strained power notes she attempts throughout the song, and the overall effect is merely palatable upon further review. I’m not preparing to insert my foot in my mouth just yet. The judges proceed with caution, Kara saying it’s a step in the “right direction,” and Ellen noting she “sounded good” once she “got into it.” Simon seizes the opportunity to promote the version of the song he recorded with Susan Boyle before telling Katie this was the first time he heard her connect with a song she sang. I grudgingly agree. B-

Texan number three Tim Urban had dreams of becoming a professional athlete, but resigned himself to picking up the guitar at “15 or 16,” according to his parents, after his career in sports became more and more far-fetched. He and his nine brothers and sisters are a tight bunch, and Mom and Dad’s interview is actually pretty funny – especially when Mom mentions how Tim’s long hair got him mistaken for a girl when he was younger. It’s nothing but wholesome Americana from the Urbans, and I begin to realize Tim’s constant gee-whiz expressions may be genuine. When Tim starts singing “Under My Thumb” with a reggae groove, I chuckle because it’s plainly obvious this poor kid has no idea the song he’s picked is one of the more notorious odes to misogyny in popular music history. It’s as though he gave the lyrics zero thought and assumed his reinterpretation of the melody would garner points for creativity. While the singing is actually not the problem (Tim adhered well to his five-note range), the judges are so perplexed by the song choice they butcher him more viciously than I expect. Randy calls it “bizarre” and “weird,” Ellen doesn’t understand the “beachy” feel and likens it to a performance you’d hear on vacation at a resort, and Simon says fans of the Stones will have turned off their televisions. I think this certainly isn’t a disaster along “Apologize” proportions, however, and Tim’s clueless female fans will continue to vote for him in droves. C

Well, with Tim’s performance behind us, at least the show can start picking up major steam from this moment on. Case in point? The glorious Siobhan Magnus is next, singing my favorite Stones song: the appropriately mysterious and macabre “Paint it Black.” This girl gets cooler by the minute – I just noticed her Gashlycrumb Tinies tattoo. Awesome. I can’t wait to hear her perform, but first we need a peek into her life growing up near Cape Cod with her huge extended family. Last week I mentioned her dad’s Sammy Hagar hair; after taking his beret into account, though, the full effect is decidedly much more Brian Johnson of AC/DC fame. The Magnuses are an intriguing, if motley, crew of black sheep who are collectively as interesting as they seem to be individually. Siobhan is certainly cut from this cloth, but enough with the background story – time to paint it black.

Strings! Strobes! Broadway! Lambert! It’s so unbelievably over-the-top and fantastic I can hardly sit still. Many will find this deplorable, I’m sure, but most things of artistic value are polarizing by definition. Personally, I’m so riveted I do something I’ve never done: I rewind the performance and watch it again. It’s saturated with drama and theatrics, thus absolutely does reek of Adam Lambert – however, coming from me (a card-carrying Glambert) that’s a huge compliment. Kara says the same thing, and Randy is so excited he starts in with his telltale gibberish-laden shouting. Ellen, like me, is trying not to stand up and run in circles, and Simon says it’s the “standout performance of the night.” While Siobhan didn’t have the precise control over her voice like she did doing “Wicked Game,” or “House of the Rising Sun,” her sheer ambition and potential for future show-stopping performances is officially limitless. Brava! A+

Lee DeWyze, or “The Pride of Chicago,” as Seacrest refers to him, wins the award for Cutest Parents. Mom and Dad DeWyze talk about Lee’s shyness as a kid and refusal to sing unless he was certain no one could hear him – there’s not a frown in the house after watching this. Seacrest, of course, ruins the moment by quizzing former paint salesman Lee on what color “Snugglepuss” is. Shut up, Seacrest. Tonight, Lee is tackling “Beast of Burden,” and is completely in his element. His comfort on stage is tangibly evident – a marked improvement from Hollywood Week, where I was surprised he made it to the Top 24. Enunciation issues aside, Lee really does keep getting better and better, and needs to note this type of song as a strong suit. That means no more Hinder or Owl City, Lee! Randy is enthused, telling Lee he “came home with this,” while Ellen likens the performance to a hospital gown – it just “didn’t quite come together.” When she’s funny, she’s funny, and when she’s right, she’s right. I admit it wasn’t blown away, either, but Kara and I are also on the same page as she notes that Lee is “growing faster than anybody.” Simon so clearly wants Lee to do well that he talks to him like a teacher, basically telling him to get his act together because he knows he’s got what it takes. Yes, Mr. Cowell. B+

I’m still a bit perturbed Paige Miles managed to sneak into the Top 12 past Lilly Scott and Katelyn Epperly with her dismal rendition of “Smile” last week. I am aware, however, of the judges’ confidence in her major vocal talent we viewers apparently haven’t had the privilege of witnessing thus far. Simon, in particular, has seemed frustrated in Paige’s lack of follow-through in her performances. As we learn more about Paige’s upbringing in Florida, her mom talks about Paige having “it” and people coming to church just to hear Paige sing, further perpetuating evidence of a force with which to be reckoned. I’m still waiting. Tonight, Paige is singing “Honky Tonk Women,” and while I’m not a fan of the gender-switching alterations to the lyrics, I may have caught a glimmer of the star power in Paige that’s been nothing but talk up to this point. I find myself looking really hard for it, however, which seems counter-productive to me. As a whole, though, it really is the best she’s sounded. The judges are also a bit relieved, with Kara saying “Paige is back,” and Ellen noting her use of the stage and the “return” of her “star quality.” However, once it’s revealed Paige has been battling laryngitis all week and this is actually the first time she’s sung the song the whole way through (!) the accolades burst forth with increased zeal. Paige has definitely earned points in my book, but I’m not completely sold. I predict a possible spot in the bottom three on Wednesday, despite the notable improvement. B

Aaron Kelly and his new haircut are next. I feel I have no choice but to point out, in case you missed it, that Aaron’s mother’s first name is Kelly. Thus, her full name is Kelly Kelly. I’ll let you pause and chew on that for a bit. Aaron’s singing “Angie,” a song choice similar to Katie’s “Wild Horses,” in that it was inevitable, considering the person singing it. The only thing worse than Urban defiling “Under My Thumb,” would be an Aaron Kelly version. What other Stones song could Aaron Kelly legitimately attempt but “Angie?” What the hell else could Katie have sung but “Wild Horses?” Aaron already has points for a smartly chosen song, and seems like an awfully earnest, well-meaning kid. I must say, he actually hits a few nice notes here. Overall, however, the effect is quite sappy and anachronistic – the performance is as sincere as this kid can make it, but the halfhearted hip sways and attempt to convey honest romantic yearning just don’t make sense coming from this extremely young person. However, I’m quickly left in the dust on this one as the judges proceed to completely disagree with me. Ellen actually says he’s the second best tonight after Siobhan. Whoa. Randy and Kara note the “tender” moments and genuine connection to the song. Christ, Simon liked it. What parallel universe did I temporarily slip into? Regardless of the inconsistency in opinion, I give Aaron a B-.

We’re closing the show tonight with Crystal, who has a peacock feather in her hair to pay tribute to the prematurely departed Lilly. Sniff. Unsurprisingly, we learn Crystal started writing songs when she was 10, and playing gigs soon after. Her awesome dad has served as her faithful roadie (and arguably biggest fan) ever since. Their relationship means a lot to her, and both father and daughter are emotional during the video. It wouldn’t be an homage to the Rolling Stones without “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” and I’m glad Crystal nabbed it, as well as the last performance slot. It’s no secret I’ve been drinking the Bowersox Kool-Aid and loving every last drop, but for the first time tonight I don’t have the awestruck sense of wonderment that usually accompanies her performances. Don’t get me wrong, she sounds as polished and graceful as ever, but perhaps she’s a bit too comfortable and needs to start venturing outside the box. The judges have never mentioned the need to “take risks” to Crystal because she’s always so good, but now might be the time to really get creative. She has the chops and good sense to know what works for her, and I’d like to see her change things up a bit – especially with genre chameleon Siobhan making serious headway. The judges also have a laid-back response, noting Crystal’s usual display of effortless musicianship, but Simon says it’s important she realizes this is the first time in the competition she wasn’t the best. Nevertheless, “not the best” for Crystal is still an A.

Wednesday night’s elimination results proved anti-climactic (which I’ll get to shortly), but also the very-welcomed return of Season 7 champ David Cook to the Idol stage. He and his band cover the Stones’ “Jumpin’ Jack Flash” and it’s nice to finally see someone truly rock out for the first time this season (sorry, Casey and Lee). Guitar prodigy Orianthi also stops by, and I unfortunately learn she’s responsible for that hackneyed tripe “According to You.” Too bad, because she can seriously play guitar, and I hope she sticks to that as her main focus instead of trying to branch into pop star status. Sloppy Gaga wannabe Ke$ha (it seriously pains me to add that dollar sign, blech) slurred her way through her latest single, the aptly titled “Blah Blah Blah.” I won’t waste another syllable on her. Bottom Three? Lacey, Paige and TIM URBAN! I’m shocked. Not because he doesn’t deserve to be there, but because I thought he’d ride the girly vote to the Top Five, for sure. Well, he still might, since he’s the first one sent back to the safe zone. Lacey or Paige? Seacrest tells us the Judges’ Save is upon us yet again this year, and poor Lacey is subjected to this farce as she sings on live television for the last time. She handles it gracefully, and Paige has another week to prepare the mind-blowing, star-is-born moment we’ve all been told she has in her. I’ll be tuning in, won’t you? Until next week, readers!

For another take on this episode, read Less Rock, A Whole Lot of Roll by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 22-23: Top 12 Performance: Rolling Stones & Top 12 Results (originally aired March 16-17, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company  and IMDbPro.

Animated Evil Villains – Are They Still TV Worthy?

Cartoons have been a great source of education and entertainment since my childhood days of watching Thundercats and Rainbow Brite but they’ve gotten a bad rep as frivolous and only for children. After watching hundreds of hours of animation, the biggest concept I’ve learned is the difference between good and evil. Not an easy thing to teach a six year old mind you, but cartoons have served as a way for the littlest members of the human race to understand and develop a moral compass that they’ll need to survive in this world.

While the good guys have gotten most of the good press over the years, I also have to thank the villains who have played their parts superbly. It’s not easy after all to come up with plan after plan only to be foiled by their nemesis at the last second. It takes a lot of courage, risk taking, and boldness to be undaunted by their failures and to continue their quests for power.

In today’s cartoon world, are villains still seeking the same thing? What is their agenda and is it still able to help children learn right from wrong? I attempt to answer this by looking at a few animated evil-doers from some of the most notable cartoon series from my childhood to more contemporary ones airing today.

My favorite evil villain of all time has to be Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero that aired from 1985-1986. Cobra Commander was a terrorist, though that word wasn’t really a common vocabulary word back then. He was the head of the evil organization known as Cobra whose aim was world domination. He rallied people to his cause by promising them power, money, and revenge. What I appreciate about Cobra as an evil villain is that he had to deal with more realistic situations within his organization such as underlings trying to usurp his power, bankruptcy, having to borrow money from the mob, and incompetence from his minions. Working with other villains and criminal characters isn’t easy as he has to deal with trying to maintain order amongst his people while achieving his agenda at the same time. Yet episode after episode he remains vigilant in his plans to defeat the Joes and capture control and power over the world.

Another 80s villain to look at is the powerful Megatron, leader of the Decepticons from the series The Transformers (1984-1987). This evil leader, like Cobra Commander, faced similar issues with personnel. Megatron had to deal with usurpers like Starscream, who desired to be the one controlling the Decepticons. Realistically thinking, you would think Megatron would have Starscream destroyed for treachery and yet he remains Megatron’s second in command. Is that mercy? Or does this leader recognize this underling’s uses? In any case, Megatron’s motives were to defeat his rivals the Autobots, harvest the energy resources of planet Earth and then gain universal dominance. Like Cobra Commander the agenda is control and power – whether over their home planet of Cybertron, the Earth, or the universe.

Moving on to the nineties, I examine a group of villains from the series Captain Planet and the Planeteers that ran from 1990-1995. It was in this decade where environmental issues were getting a lot more attention from the press with much of the Amazon rainforest being cut down and the Kyoto Protocol (lowering greenhouse gas emissions to 1990 levels) being adopted to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (note: the UNFCCC was a treaty produced at the first ever UN Earth Summit held in Rio de Janeiro on June 1992). With environmental matters taking a much bigger stage in popular culture, the villains of Captain Planet were eco related and their collective goals were to destroy earth via pollution, over consumption, poor waste management, uncontrolled technology, ignorance, crime, nuclear power, excessive capitalism, and war/destruction. The main motivation behind their actions appeared to be self-gratification and profit. This perhaps makes sense as there is no main villain in this series that fits the mold that outright wants to rule the world. The closest  was Zarm, a former spirit of the Earth who is more concerned about using his power to destroy Captain Planet and Gaia thereby destroying the planet. He appears to want anarchy and destruction for the sake of it, which also makes this evil villain different from Cobra Commander and Megatron.

A much more conventional super villain comes in the form of Magneto from the X-Men, which aired from 1992-1997. You could also categorize this character as a terrorist, though more of a super powered terrorist in comparison to Cobra Commander (since he didn’t have mutant powers at his disposal). His main motivation was world domination for his kind against humans whom he considered beneath him. What was interesting about Magneto though is that he wasn’t two dimensional as an evil villain. He was certainly driven by hatred and vengeance to carry out his plans to start a war between mutants and humans, but he is able to ally himself with the X-Men to destroy a common enemy. You also learn about his past as a child during the Holocaust, which gives viewers a better understanding of how he came to be Magneto and why he holds such contempt for mankind.

The villains from these four animated series are all cunning, driven, and dedicated to their causes. A majority of their agendas happen to be gaining power and control to rule the world or the universe. The big lesson is that trying to attain domination over others never works out. While you have to admire their gusto for never giving up, it reinforces this message episode after episode.

So have villains of today learned from their elder counterparts? At least the Highbreed of Ben 10: Alien Force have gotten the message. These aliens arrive on Earth bent on exterminating mankind because they consider humans as an impure race. This group though is also bent on self-destruction and they plan on taking the entire universe down with them. It’s a combination of pride, arrogance and desperation that motivates their actions. They were the main bad guys of seasons one and two, relentlessly building a portal to get more of their ships to Earth to fully exterminate the race. Viewers learn though that the Highbreed were also dying out due to sterility caused by inbreeding. Hero Ben Tennyson reconstructs their DNA including DNA from his set of aliens kept within the Omnitrix (a watch-like device that contains the DNA of different aliens that allows the wearer to transform into those aliens) and saves their race from extinction. After that they end the war against other life forms.

Not all evil villains of today have learned their lesson and this can be seen through Fire Lord Ozai from Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005-2008). He was motivated by greed and power to control all the known lands in their world. A treacherous figure, he was willing to do anything to become the fire lord instead of his older brother Iroh. He was relentless in his plans to destroy anything that got in his way of ruling the world, including killing his own son Prince Zuko if necessary. This villain was unrepentant to the bitter end even after being defeated by Zuko, Aang the Avatar, and the rest of their friends.

Evil villains of the past and present are a colorful group of people that are full of determination, diligence, and tenacity. It is only fitting that they be relentless in fulfilling their agendas to be worthy opponents to our protagonists. They serve as the balancing force in teaching children of all ages that lusting for power is never a good thing and that even bad guys have problems. Are their agendas still applicable in today’s society? I say yes. More cartoons are showing a variety of villains from the complex, to the repentant, and those who are still dead set on their nefarious plans. It parallels reality as a complicated and mostly grey world.

So to all those animated evil villains out there, my gratitude for playing the role. It’s not always fun but someone’s gotta do it!

For more television articles, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Marvel, Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon and IMDbPro.

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Remember Me Review: Remember Me Not

“Remember Me” markets itself as a teen drama and stars Emile De Ravin of “Lost” who plays Ally, a young woman who witnessed her mother’s brutal murder and  Robert Pattinson (who if you haven’t heard of, you must either be an alien or an actual vampire disconnected from humanity). But I can’t imagine many teens sitting through this melodrama. Pattinson plays Tyler, a broody kid whose brother’s suicide six years ago fractured his whole family. Despite a not so nice meeting where Tyler makes a bet with a friend to go on a date with Ally, they soon begin a relationship bonding over both of their tragedies despite familial objections.  The chemistry is adequate between the two but the story is filled with clichés and performances that do little to elevate the material.

If this is Robert Pattinson’s attempt to show audiences he’s more than just a moody vampire, he needs to go back to the drawing board.  His character broods just as intensely, smokes, drinks and proclaims his love for his ingénue. It’s the same performance minus the vampires.  He’s yet to convince me he’s not just a one trick pony though I know the Twi-hards may disagree. Bring it, I say.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge fan of cheesy, love stories. “The Notebook”,  “Crazy Beautiful”, and any Lifetime movie with a teen heartthrob and a semi-coherent plot will get me weepy and sentimental. But “Remember Me” was just indulgent.  Director Allen Coulter (Sopranos and Hollywoodland) creates a bleak world that makes these characters almost too miserable to invest your time in.

The heavy handedness of the movie isn’t solely the fault of the director.  First time screenwriter Will Fetters heaps a world of pain on both characters yet never provides enough back-story to keep us engaged. Why is Tyler’s father (played by Pierce Brosnan) so cold? Why don’t he and Tyler get along? Why does his sister get tormented at school?  Why does Robert grimace instead of smile? (Okay, that last question wasn’t the screenwriters fault, but still, does it just hurt him to smile?)  I actually might have been able to forgive all those flaws had they not cheapened the whole movie with a twist ending that was both exploitative and dated.  I’ll save the spoilers for those of you brave enough to sit through the film but I was extremely disappointed. “Remember Me” went for a cheap ending that was hoping to incite a strong reaction by its audience.  It worked alright. My reaction?  Skip it.

Photo by Myles Aronowitz – © 2009 Summit Entertainment

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Gossip Girl – We’re All Fine (For Now)

“Careful S – You might think you know what’s best, but you might be pushing your Chuck.”

I laughed and laughed and laughed at this voiceover by Kristen Bell. I was still chuckling after the show came back for commercial. Every once in a while, the writers come up with a gem from Gossip Girl herself. Anyhow, back to the show.

Dan (Penn Badgley) and Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) returned this week, which should make some fans happy, and though the attempt to bring out the humor in their situation fell flat, their hookup was sweet. Dan goes to the dorm to find Vanessa and a girl hits on him in the hallway. Frankly, Dan gets hit on everywhere he goes in this show so I’m not sure why he’s looking to settle down at all. Vanessa tells him things are weird and that she’s still seeing Paul, at which point Dan says he’s seeing someone too and names the random girl from the hallway. In a scene that’s supposed to be funny, the four of them end up at a party together and the truth comes out. Dan and Melissa just met, and Vanessa called Paul that day and asked to get back together. Shocker. They make out and blame it on mojitos. I can totally believe this. Not because of any past experience or anything, it just sounds right. Yeah. Then Vanessa tells him she wishes he never admitted to having feelings for her. They fight. Then she changes her tune and tells her she has feelings for him too, but she’s scared of hurting their friendship. Then they kiss. Then they do other stuff. Then they talk about how great it was. I’m poking fun but honestly, this is the most I’ve liked either of them in months.

Rufus (Matthew Settle) and Lily (Kelly Rutherford) are still having issues, but are thrown together when Lily discovers Damien (Kevin Zegers) and Jenny (Taylor Momsen) in her bedroom. Early in the morning. Wearing pajamas. Jenny is acting like a teenager in response to Damien telling his father they are just friends – also, because he accuses her of being a teenager. Good plan. Then, to prove she’s some sort of badass who can stand up to her father, Jenny let’s them discover the narcotics Damien brought over. The scheme (which made no sense anyway) backfires when Rufus insists she is moving back to Brooklyn with him and that she can never see Damien. Damien tries taking the blame, telling a touching (and, it turns out, true) story about his father being the drug addict. In the end Jenny runs away (or maybe just sneaks out?) again and her and Damien make out. Rufus and Lily don’t talk. Rufus is moving back to Brooklyn to brood and maybe play boy toy for some uptown women just to upset Lily. (Lily does suspect something is going on with another woman now.)

Serena (Blake Lively) and Nate (Chace Crawford) have sex. And make out. Then Serena takes a brief break to play best friend to Blair (Leighton Meester) and meddle in Chucks (Ed Westwick) business. Toward the end of the episode Serena goes to see Chuck’s mother (I’ll get there) to find out why she left. Serena is hoping to shed some light on the reason for her own father’s reasons for ignoring her attempts to get to know him. She doesn’t get the answers she’s looking for, her and Nate have a sweet moment of sharing, after which she calls her father and tells him she’s done trying to contact him.

Blair is upset because she knows Chuck is hiding something from her again. It’s driving her crazy and she’s fighting her Blair instincts to snoop. Chuck finally comes clean, revealing to Nate, Serena, and Blair that the woman from his father’s grave has been calling him – and she is his mother. Chuck, in true scarred, tough but really scared fashion, won’t see her. He suspects she only wants money and he doesn’t want to know why she left. She’s lying, of course. After some trickery and drama (we’re still watching Gossip Girl, after all) they end up talking. His mother wanted to give him up for adoption, never wanted to have a child, and took money from Bart to stay away. She says she would have stayed away on her own. BRIEF INTERRUPTION OF LOGIC: If she never wanted anything to do with Chuck, never loved or wanted to marry Bart, and never had any regrets, WHY WAS SHE LAYING BART’S FAVORITE FLOWERS AT HIS GRAVE ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF HIS DEATH? Ahem, sorry. Flawed logic in writing characters really irks me. So Chucks mom wants to know him now, and they end up chatting. Sweet.

A couple of questions. What happened with the Tripp (Aaron Tveit) and Maureen (Holley Fain) story? I guess they just disappeared. That happens sometimes in Washington. Also, here the hell is Eric (Connor Paolo)? No one has even referenced him in the two weeks since the show returned. Rufus has two disappearing kids. He should be worried about his own parenting skills instead of blaming everything on Lily. We already know she has no parenting skills.

The episode was cute, but a tad sugary sweet for me. Dan and Vanessa are happy. Nate and Serena never get out of bed, apparently, but are pleased with that fact. Chuck and Blair are still close, getting closer, and his mother is back in the picture. Jenny and Damien are stealing off into the night to kiss, eat Italian, and sell drugs. Not necessarily in that order. Rufus and Lily aren’t happy, but no one really cares. I’ve watched every episode of this series from the beginning. All hell’s about to break loose. At least, I hope so.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Mama Mia by Matt DeGroot.

Season 3, Episode 14: The Lady Vanished (originally aired March 15, 2010)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Gossip Girl: Mama Mia!

Another Monday, another episode of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately this week’s episode couldn’t quite match the entertaining ridiculousness of last week and the resulting hour of television was a tad dull to say the least.

We now know that the mystery woman from the graveyard is in fact Squint’s mom but with the mystery element gone, all that is left is Squints walking around looking unhappy and uber serious. In other words, nothing has changed. Blair thinks he should just forget about it, but Serena and Nate take a break from having sex to take him out for a comfort dinner and invite his mom too. This obviously goes over like a turd in a punchbowl and Squints pays her to never show up again and she pretty easily accepts. Classy, right?

Serena still isn’t satisfied though (dealing with her own daddy issues again), so she approaches Mama Squints (guest star Laura Harring) to get the full story, and it turns out she never wanted much to do with Squints anyway. Nevertheless, she has a change of heart, goes to Squints, returns the check and promises to stay in New York to get to know him. It all ends very happily and I couldn’t have been more bored.

On a slightly juicier front, Jenny and drug-runnin’ Damien are heating up their relationship with secret sleep-overs but Lily busts them and promptly calls over Rufus to lay down the law and threaten a move to Brooklyn. GASP! Anything but Brooklyn!!

But in an act brilliantly portraying Jenny’s lack of a brain, she decides to throw Damien’s pill stash all over the floor in front of Rufus and Lily. Why she thought this would be a good move is entirely unclear but it prompts Damien to spout some BS sob story about his dad being a drug addict and how he was just trying to get the pills away from pops. It turns out that the story is actually partially true, but Lily and Rufus still forbid them from seeing each other again and proceed with banishing Jenny to the savage wasteland of Brooklyn. But instead she runs away first with a random bottle of Lilly’s headache medication to make up for the others that she so crazily threw on the ground because apparently all pills are fair game for selling illegally. Next week she may or may not  be shilling Flintstones vitamins.

And finally we have the glacially paced storyline/budding relationship between Dan (Penn Badgley) and Vanessa (Jessica Szohr). Things have been weird since he confessed his love to her so in an effort to make things normal again they decide to go on a double date because that’s obviously the right way to tackle a problem like this. Dan brings a girl that he just met in the hallway and acts like a douche bag making things even weirder but he and Vanessa still manage to end up making out. The kiss puts her into bitch mode for some reason but then its revealed that she’s not really dating the guy she brought either, so she and Dan both get ditched and end up having sex together. Someone please tell me that no real people struggle this much with their relationships. I know it can’t be too simple as this is fiction and all, but these people are just inept.

Next week promises more scandal with runaway Jenny considering turning in her V Card with Damien. Oh, and it looks like Lily is figuring out that Rufus did the dirty with the neighbor lady when the doorman brought up the scarf that the building hussy left with him rather than just hold onto it and give it to Rufus herself. Clearly this girl needs a lesson in subtlety and I’d like to see Lily slap it into her. All I want in the near future is a cat fight so cross your fingers with me and lets hope for the best!

For another take on this week’s episode, check out We’re All Fine (For Now) by Trisha Huntsman.

Season 3, Episode 14: The Lady Vanished (originally aired March 15, 2010)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

House: Bromance Overload

Fans love seeing the bromance between House and Wilson. So much so, in the past they had demanded more screen time for the pair. The cries were heard and Wilson took House under his wing after rehab and the two now live together. It was great for the first part of the season; now I’m starting to get bored. It’s the same thing every week: House and Wilson challenge each other in some deep and emotional way. I still love their bromance, but it’s starting to get excessive.

This week, House challenges Wilson to purchase at least one piece of furniture for their desolate looking apartment. House says Wilson can’t do it because he’s only ever had women furnish his home, which might as well be true. Wilson admits it when he finally hires an interior decorator to do the job.

As for the medical case, it’s actually pretty interesting. A 17-year-old is admitted to the hospital after losing consciousness during a class trip. Abby has been in a relationship with her boyfriend, Nick, for three years apparently. House’s team first narrows down Abby’s symptoms to an allergy – more specifically, they think she’s allergic to a protein found in semen. They test Nick, though, and everything comes back negative.

Abby’s condition continues to worsen and she begins to have really bizarre hallucinations. Did you know there’s a machine that can see the images your mind produces!? I don’t think this is just on House since they’re usually pretty factual, but I thought that was insane. Abby’s hallucinations keep going on about a secret that she needs to keep.

House’s team determines that Abby’s symptoms are similar to that of a parasite that can only be found in the Middle East. The only person who has been anywhere near the Middle East is Nick’s father. So by putting two and two together… well, let’s just say Nick’s relationship with his father is pretty messed up right now.

Surprisingly, Taub gets his own little storyline this week although it’s nothing we haven’t heard of before. His wife thinks he’s spending too much time at work and she wants them to do more stuff together. The rest of the team, of course, begins meddling in his business and suggest she might think he’s cheating. At the end of the episode, Taub proposes again to prove how much he does care about her and they all lived happily ever after.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out It’s Not My Fault. I Was Trying To Judge Taub by Cameron Cubbison.

Season 6, Episode 15: Black Hole (originally aired March 15, 2010)

For more on House, click here.

Mondays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and IMDbPro.

House: It’s Not My Fault. I Was Trying To Judge Taub

That was House’s excuse for temporarily misdiagnosing Abby, a high school girl who started drooling and foaming some vile detritus during her class field trip to the planetarium. Moments prior, she and her boyfriend Nick were sharing some vodka to liven up the proceedings. Nick was whining about relationship drivel and professing that he wanted to stay together even after they left to attend colleges on opposite coasts. I can’t really blame Abby. In fact, I think foaming at the mouth is a downright appropriate response to having to listen to lovey-dovey woes. Maybe she was hoping that Nick would be so repulsed at the site of her spewing slime from her mouth that he would break up with her right then and there. Not a bad tactic, but, unfortunately, it failed.

The team assembles at Princeton Plainsboro to work their diagnostic magic…everyone except Taub, who is still at home having yet another inane argument wish his inane wife. She’s whining that they never do anything together anymore and bristles when Taub doesn’t jump for joy at her suggestion that they do yoga together. His explanation for being late to the whole saving lives gig is that his tire blew and he was waiting for a tow truck. Honestly Taub, do you really think House would believe such a hackneyed excuse? If you’re going to try to lie to House, you ought to think of something creative. He’ll still see through you before the words finish leaving your mouth, but he might appreciate the effort.

It’s painfully obvious to everyone except Taub that the fight really isn’t about yoga; it’s about Taub’s wife having trust issues and wondering where Taub is all the time. While this behavior is stupid, it is at least understandable, being that Taub regularly boinked anything that moved during his days as a plastic surgeon. House became my hero (even more so than he already is) when, after catching Taub texting his wife like a teenaged nitwit in an attempt to show her some pacifying attension, he seized Taub’s phone and began texting sexually obscene messages. Man, I watched that scene about three times. Mark my words; when the apocalypse hits, historians will single out texting as one of the biggest nails in the coffin of intelligent life on this planet.

Back to the case. The team runs the usual gamut of tests and begins to rule out the usual suspects like lungs and intestines. They think the heart might be the culprit, but they can’t find any evidence of parasites or fungus. They do something called a trans-esophageal echo that makes Abby seize like a banshee doing shooters. In a particularly gnarly bit of business, Thirteen has to cut Abby’s chest open and restart her heart with her bare hands.

House & Co. are now all but convinced that Abby’s problem is some kind of internal allergy. When her kidneys begin to fail, House has no choice but to begrudgingly approve a full body scan, a tactic he hates passionately. Here is where the mystery takes an especially cerebral turn: during the scan, Abby starts hallucinating, sensing a non-existent earthquake and then producing her own vivid, tripping lightshow in the sky. She imagines she is being sucked into a black hole. She also has an out-of-body type of deal where she talks with her younger self.  House believes that Abby’s subconscious is trying to tell her what is wrong with her. House wants to try using an experimental Cognitive Recognition Program that attempts to visually interpret the cognitive patterns in the brain. Foreman protests that medical science is fifty years away from being able to do anything meaningful with brain patterns, but House ignores him, as he often does. The visual portraits that result from the program are more beautiful and illuminating than the planetarium display in the opening. There was a neat recurring emphasis on celestial imagery in this episode.

When Abby is finally cured and saved, the culprit is revealed to be of human cause. How Abby got infected and who was ultimately responsible was surprisingly dark and creepy. So of course, House responded to the situation with his typically brazen disregard for decorum and appropriateness. I’d expect nothing less of him. Kudos to Fox for allowing the situation to be dealt with in the way that it was.

The other subplot of the episode involves House trying to force Wilson to buy furniture for the condo. Wilson has been avoiding doing it at all costs, and House thinks it is because Wilson is afraid. He thinks Wilson is scared of making furniture choices because women have always done it for him and he doesn’t want to face the fact that he is alone and doesn’t know himself well enough to know what kind of furniture he would want. It’s a moderately interesting and amusing subplot, but it’s not critically important. Overall, yet another solid episode.

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Bromance Overload by Stephanie Jaar.

Season 6, Episode 15: Black Hole (originally aired March 15, 2010)

For more on House, click here.

Mondays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and IMDbPro.

Chuck: Versus the Tic Tac (and Robert Patrick)

After finding out Sarah’s real name (Sam) earlier in the season, now we find out that Casey used to be Alexander Coburn. Via handy memory flashback, we find out that Casey left his identity behind more than twenty years ago in Honduras. After being told that he hadn’t qualified for the Army’s special operations team, he is approached by a Colonel (the always slimy and suspect Robert Patrick). The Colonel invites him to join yet another covert black ops/secret ninja voodoo squad and offers him some Tic Tacs to seal the deal. I guess Casey never learned the maxim about never taking candy from strangers.

Back in the present day, Casey talks with a mystery man. It’s Robert Patrick, who hasn’t aged much in the twenty years between the flashback and the present. He thanks Casey for taking his call—a call Casey received on a Ring phone at the end of last week’s episode. This can’t be good. He tells Casey that General Beckman (who really seems to come and go as she pleases) is planning to use Casey, Chuck and Sarah to test the L.A. CIA headquarters security system, and he wants Casey to pick up something for him during the mission. He gives Casey a fancy key. Did I mention that this can’t be good?

All of this is glimpsed by Morgan who, now knowing his best friend Chuck is a superspy, is anxious to get in on some of the action. Wearing full spy regalia—black and night goggles, recording device—he watches Casey with rabid anticipation. That is until Chuck comes up behind him and puts a stop to the shenanigans. Chuck warns Morgan that he has been kept out of the loop for a reason. Spy work is as dangerous as it gets, and I’m sure Casey and Sarah aren’t thrilled that Morgan is now in on the big tamale.

The team (minus Shaw, who is conveniently away again, not that I’m complaining) embarks on their mission, which Sarah explains is basically an exercise in spy-proofing their own security. They have to get through fifteen different levels of security, but luckily, Chuck’s Intersect seems to be working again. Electronic beepings and music in the background reinforce the notion that our spies are basically playing a real-life video game.

After surviving relatively unscathed, they reach their destination. Casey tells Sarah to watch the door as he and Chuck go inside the vault. As Chuck uses the key Beckman gave him to open a specific safety deposit box, Casey takes out his fancy key and tries to covertly open another one. Inside, he finds a pill (Where’s Laurence Fishburne when you need him?). Chuck catches him and asks if Casey is working on a side mission. Casey’s typically gruff response: he pulls a gun on Chuck and threatens to kill Chuck if he mentions any of this to anyone. Scenes like this are why Casey is my favorite.

Back at the Castle, Beckman informs the team that, though successful, they were too late. Someone broke into the vault and stole an experimental pill called Laudanol that suppresses emotions in soldiers. Basically, the pill turns soldiers into Terminators, so how fitting that Robert Patrick, the former T-1000 himself, is the dude after the pill. Chuck fantasizes about how taking the pill would make him function perfectly as a spy, with no Intersect glitches. Sarah points out—with one of her inimitable pained expressions in tow—that the side effect would be Chuck not feeling period.

Being the lovable dolt that he is, Chuck fervently comes to the realization that Casey and Beckman were testing his loyalty by having Casey steal the pill. Beckman’s face tightens (even more than it usually is) and she asks Chuck if he is certain he saw Casey steal the pill. Chuck can’t cover up in time. Sarah gives Casey the benefit of the doubt and attests to Casey’s loyalty to Beckman, but slowly grabs her gun to take control of the situation. Casey refuses to answer the allegation that he stole the pill and hands over his weapon to Sarah. Is Casey a traitor or is he being duped by someone?

That is precisely what Chuck needs to find out. Toward that end, he turns to Morgan. As this amusing twist of fate would have it, Morgan’s spy work (the term being used loosely, of course), may hold the only answers. Chuck asks Morgan if he recorded Casey’s meeting the other night.

Of course, you know that Chuck and Sarah will team up to rescue Casey. But there are several bonuses: a couple of the best fight scenes of the season, and a surprising and affecting backstory for the seemingly impervious Casey. There is also a rather drastic professional change for Casey at the end. These are pretty significant twists and shakeups that Chuck has made in the last two episodes. If they had only started doing these kinds of things sooner and had fewer filler episodes…

Season 3, Episode 10: Chuck vs. The Tic Tac (originally aired March 15, 2010)

For more on Chuck, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Justin Lubin.

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