Real Housewives of Orange County: Everyone Sucks

And by everyone I mainly mean Lynne and Alexis.

Let’s just start with those two because I dislike them more than Tamra these days. This week, Alexis takes it upon herself to treat her mom to some plastic surgery because she is so plain and simple (Alexis’ words, not mine). First of all, Alexis’ mom looks AWESOME. I mean, she isn’t that old to begin with, and I love a woman that can age gracefully and look natural. Alexis makes it seem like her mother is Nell and she is just introducing her to society, which of course requires an eye lift and a bunch of totally unnecessary surgeries. I think Alexis drugged her mom by switching out her soy milk with Kahlua or something in order to convince her of getting this stuff done. Alexis is such a plastic surgery pusher. She believes that women are happier when they look better, and “better” in her eyes is anything tight and expensive and/or trashy.

During her mom’s visit to the OC, we got more of Alexis’ back-story, about how she grew up in a small town and wasn’t one of those jean and t-shirt girls. She always just felt like she belonged in California, but I think she missed the mark a little and should have gone to Vegas (maybe she thinks Vegas is in CA? It happens to the best of us…). Alexis tried to sell her mom on indulging in the glitz and glamour lifestyle she shares with Jim, and mom pretty much just looked like a deer in headlights during this whole trip, so I don’t really see the necessity of an eye lift.

Moving on to stupid Lynne. Lynne and her daughters are living at her mom’s house while Frank lives in a resort (because they are broke…), and Tamra comes over for some girl time. During this time when Tamra should be comforting Lynne, she just unloads her own emotional baggage (day drinking will do that to ya) and tells Lynne that she needs to deal with her issues with Frank. Lynne is in denial-ish territory and wearing an all white outfit so really there is just no reasoning with her in this condition. Ultimately, Lynne takes her leathery skin to dinner with Frank and they make up, as Lynne says herself, she’s a pushover. At least she is self-aware? She really needs to stay out of the sun or stop drinking, because I almost needed subtitles to understand her for a lot of that dinner.

We also got a peek at the emotional state of Lynne’s girls, which was indecipherable through all the “likes” in their sentences. I used to really have hopes for Alexa, thinking that she was smarter than the rest of her family and could ultimately break free of their ridiculousness, but now I’m not so sure. Alexa is just an angst-ridden LA pusher and Raquelle is, like, whatever.

Marginally likable this week was Tamra, because I supported her mo’s and ho’s day drinking bday party… even if it was at 11am on a Tuesday. Woops! Vicki of course couldn’t make it because she works, and Tamra of course bitched about it because she is dense. Seemed like a good time though, much better than her birthday dinner with Simon. Simon took her out to dinner for her birthday, because it’s a recession and we were reminded once again that times are tough for the .005% of the population that is accustomed to celebrating birthdays with Rolex watches and diamond bracelets. Tam Tam claims that Simon argues with her about everything, but it is pretty easy to argue when you are picking a fight during every lull in a conversation. Tamra spent her dinner word vomiting her usual sound bytes: why do I embarrass you, Vicki has a good side, and you are a miserable human, Simon. After an awkward dinner the two went on an awkward gondola ride and I was hoping that the thing tipped over just to make them more interesting.

This was also a big week for Gretchen’s makeup line. Good for her for trying to be self sufficient bla bla bla…. who is going to buy this? I’m with Vicki, not the smartest business decision as evidenced by the one person who showed up to her booth at the women’s expo. Poor G.

And finally we finish off where the episode began, with Vicki (in a surprisingly cute romper) having drinks with Jeana to talk about how the other women were all mean to her in San Francisco (are we still talking about this?). Jeana happily accepts her margarita, and happily talks about Vicki behind her back, telling us that, yeah, Vicki is kind of a bitch. But at least Brianna doesn’t have cancer! Shots for everyone!

Next week is the season finale, and I have a feeling we are going to see the same episode we have been seeing all season, except with maybe some more interesting editing to heighten the drama. Sigh. From the previews it looks like Tamra has a temper tantrum and tells Simon she wants a divorce, but I wonder how long that will last. Probably about as long as Gretchen’s makeup line. Tear.

Season 5, Episode 14: This Is How We Do It in the OC (originally aired February 25, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photograph courtesy of NBC Universal and Mitch Haaseth.