Real Housewives of Orange County: I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T Do You Know What that Means?

Well, we survived another season everyone.

This year’s finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County was Tamra centric, just the way she likes it. All the ladies and their tag along husbands went to the St. Regis for an end of the summer party because, why not? Things were bound to get and stay rocky once we saw that Tamra was drinking in her huge ass closet while getting ready for the event, and Simon thought that everything she wanted to wear looked slutty. Booze+pent up hostility = not a fun day at the St. Regis.

Once the two were ready, they got into their limo and Simon made a quip about bitch-slapping Tamra. Ha ha, domestic violence is hilarious! Except not at all. Glad to see the pot calling the kettle black about respect in this marriage. The tensions get higher (as evidenced by the distance Tamra moves away from Simon in the limo) and eventually Simon says something about Tamra’s mothering and Tamra snaps with a string of profanities and an expressed desire for divorce.

Now, if Tamra was a normal person, she would have just gone home at this point, realizing that a day of heavy drinking with self-important a-holes from the OC is not the way to fix her marital problems. But, lacking this kind of rational thinking, Tamra goes into the celebration and is a complete drama queen. She is telling anyone who will listen that Simon is a prick, and joking/not at all about how Simon doesn’t like her. OH! I totally forgot to mention how I reached new levels of disgust for Simon after the two got out of the limo and Tamra was a mess, and he took this opportunity to ask where her wedding ring was. She told him she wanted to show off her tattoo (of his name on her ring finger that she got to show him how much she loved him…all past tense) and he told her that a wife shouldn’t take her ring off. Woof. I hate him. Later Gretchen mentioned that Tamra’s tattoo is a joke– fact.

It’s not like Tamra was in my good graces though. I hated how she took Vicki aside to cry to her about her marriage (again, not the time or place) and lean on her as a friend even though she hasn’t stood up for her like she should have this season. When Simon stomped over after hearing his wife was crying, Tam Tam tried to play her tears off as just wanting Vicki and Simon to get along. It was really annoying to see Tamra do exactly what Simon and Vicki both get mad at her for, but it was really weird too, and I think she goes to Vicki and lies about why she is doing it to Simon because I think she is legit scared of him. It was pretty sad, actually, and just cemented my friendly feelings towards Vicki. Crazier things have happened, I guess.

It was sad to see in the little update part at the end of the episode that Tam Tam and Simon are separated and that he filed for the divorce. But really, he sucks worse than she does and Tamra would only be so lucky to act slash be more like Vicki. She should try to be a strong independent woman and I only hope Vicki has some kind of influence on raising her daughters, because if Simon had his way they would just learn how to say “yes” while balancing a baby and a feather duster. Also, sucks that Ryan was fired from his job, who saw that coming? Everyone unfortunately.

Next on the list of ridiculous was Lynne. Not so much for being Lynne, but for having produced Alexa and Raquel. Raquel and Alexa were sooo drunk and dramatic at this party. This is the effing St. Regis not a Holiday Inn, ladies. Alexa looked like a hooker and Raquel just embodies unemployment and the sate of being over it. I can’t believe they were so drunk while being underage, and Frank and Lynne barely cared. Lynne tried to say that she didn’t condone any of their behavior, but they were in the back of the limo and she didn’t know they had booze in their water bottles. Ugh. And what the eff was on Alexa’s lip when she was bitching about wanting a martini? Luckily, Jeana’s daughter Kara saved the day and soothed Alexa as she tried to stuff her boobs back in her dress after the emotional brouhaha in the parking lot. Kara is great and and I’m obsessed with that dress she was wearing. It has to be mortifying to have that druken crap documented on Bravo. Oh well, I’m over it.

Gretchen and Slade were just kind of there this episode. They both expressed concern (judged) Lynne and Frank for their daughters’ behavior, and Gretchen had to listen to other housewives bad mouth her man. Is Slade good,  is Slade bad… right now Gretchen is just happy being with him and that’s that. They are openly talking about getting married, but the little update says they still aren’t engaged. Whatever, I’m happy for Gretchen and think that she has the best attitude on this show, so she is welcome to keep dressing like a Barbie and doing whatever  in my book.

Jim and Alexis, woof. They didn’t really do anything this episode other than promote their general ridiculousness. Jim told Frank to try going to church to work on his problems, and I was surprised that Alexis had the good sense to tell Tamra to go see her therapist. In the update at the end of the show, we learn that Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon, with Jim’s permission. Barf. She probably had to start working there because she got some black market surgery that could only be settled with labor rather than payments. We got to see Alexis’ mom  9 days out of surgery and pretty much looking like the Queen from Snow White.

Vicki was the clear winner this season: she focused on family and her business and came out on top minus a few tears. I’m pretty sure Alexis stole the bangin yellow dress Vicki was wearing at the party for her interviews, what a bia. Vicki doesn’t even bother me anymore. She and Don are good, Briana is healthy, and Michael is her best salesperson. Woooooooohooooooooooo!

Next week we have the reunion, and it looks like the ladies (Alexis) have some words to say to Vick, and Tamra has some more tears to shed.  I’m sticking with my girls Vicki and Gretchen, because this dream team had the only ladies that weren’t a total embarrassment to my sex this season. Well, done.

Season 5, Episode 15: Is That All There Is? (originally aired March 4, 2010)

For more on The Real Housewives of Orange County, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photograph courtesy of NBC Universal and Isabella Vosmikova.