RuPaul’s Drag Race: Once Upon a Queen

Upon walking into the workroom, the queens are faced with Sahara Davenport’s goodbye note written on the mirror.  In a scene direct from a telenovela, Jessica Wild angrily (and obviously jokingly) confronts Jujubee (who, strangely, is wearing a black and green wig) about how it is Juju’s fault that Sahara is gone.

The girls gather for an episode of Sally Jesse Raphael and begin sharing stories of the past pain: Jessica and Juju describe being insulted by members of their families, and Pandora Boxx tells everyone that she has attempted suicide.  Later we find out that Pandora has, in fact, tried to commit suicide several times.  “I hated myself for years,” she said.  Yikes.  It’s hard growing up gay, and it’s harder for some than others.  I wish I could give Pandora a big hug.  I love her!

Our mini challenge this week is the greatest ever:  the contestants have to “read” each other.  For those not in the know, “reading” is not the same thing Laura Bush promoted as First Lady.  “Reading” is insulting someone in a particularly painful, but nevertheless riotously funny, way.  All of them—except for dear Tatianna, who had trouble being mean—went straight for the jugular.  My favorite “reading” was done by mini-challenge winner Jujubee.  She vaporized Tyra Sanchez with this bon mot:  “Is your barbeque cancelled?  Your grill (i.e., teeth) is f—ed up!”  Classic.

The Main Challenge this week is an interesting one: each of the contestants will have to provide the title and storyline of a book that each would one day write about herself, pose for the book’s cover, and pitch the book in a television interview.  As part of the television interview, each contestant had to promote both her book and Absolut Açai (pronounced, “Ass-I-ee”) Berry Vodka.  Let’s run down the results:

• Tyra Sanchez, “The Woman in Me: A Guide to Letting Go of the Past, Accepting the Present, and Looking Forward to a Better Future” – An awful cover involving white background and her in three poses.  No doubt that she looks great in each of the three poses, but the cover is so generic.  Like Tyra, the book takes itself too seriously.  Her interview was decent but unpolished.

• Jujubee, “Memoirs of a Gay! Sha: Jujubee’s Journey, I’m Still Here!”  The title is ridiculously over the top, as is the cover.  The cover looks like an advertisement for an Asian mail order bride.  Her interview is pretty good, too.  Juju can think on her feet, and that serves her well in these kinds of challenges.

• Tatianna, “Tati: From Teen Queen to Superstar!”  The cover looks like an advertisement for a drag version of Jesus Christ Superstar.  Poor Tati struggles in her interview, as well, spending too much time talking about how pretty she is and forgetting to mention either her book or the drink.

• Pandora Boxx, “Out of the Boxx: How Drag Saved My Life.”  Pandora’s cover is pretty good, showing her stepping out of a box.  The whole thing is well coordinated.  Pandi, likewise, does well in the interview, although she forgets to mention that the drink features Absolut vodka.

• “Jessica Wild: Dreams of a Golden Child.”  Jeez.  The cover looks like the poor man’s Oscars.  The interview is a colossal disaster.  She is horrendously, hilariously awful.  Some of it is because of the language issue, but more of it is because of her off-kilter persona.

• Raven, “Young, Broke, and Fabulous: The Pursuit of Finding Your Inner Trust Fund.”  The cover has a whole yard sale theme that Raven had in mind.  She did a good job of having an entire look and theme for the book.  In her interview, she looks a mess (in a too-severe platinum wig), but she does a great job of doing product placement—both the book and the drink.

Seriously, why did each book have to have a subtitle?

For the Main Stage, the guest judges are Jackie Collins (YAY!), Gigi LeVangie Grazer (Who?), and Absolut Vodka’s Jeffrey Moran (pfft.).  RuPaul channels Valley of the Dolls in her outfit, and she is flawless, as usual.  The judging follows the usual formula: Tyra looks fantastic but lacks any levity, Pandora is dressed in an awful gown, Tatianna wears something decidedly unglamorous, and Raven wears an awesome dress and wig.

The winner this week is Raven!  Her first win.  This is as excited as I get for Raven: hooray.  The bottom two this week are Tatianna—due in part to the fact that she said her book cover was the worst (hello?!?!  Did you see Tyra’s and Jessica’s?!?!?)—and Jessica—because of the train wreck of an interview.  They have to lip sync for their lives to Sister Sledge’s “He’s the Greatest Dancer.” What a great song!  Like last week, the decision is anti-climactic.  Jessica starts gyrating and slinging herself all over the stage, which is completely out of character for the song.  Tatianna nails the lip sync and the attitude.

Shante, Tatianna stays.  Jessica Wild, sashay away.

I know a lot of people have fallen hard for Jessica Wild, but I just had no idea what she was doing there most of the time.  Now, she was willing to do anything a challenge required, but it was always sort of . . . insane.  Credit to her, though, for sticking around longer than I thought she would.

Next week . . . old man drag makeovers!  Can’t wait!!

Season 2, Episode 7: Once Upon a Queen (originally aired March 22, 2010)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Logo Online and Mathu Anderson.