The Amazing Race: A Toast to Champagne

We begin in a quaint town of called Blasmeh. (Not it’s actual name, but the town isn’t spelled on screen, and I swear, that’s what Phil sounds like when he said it.  If any one of the town’s 43 residents should happen upon this review, my sincerest apologies).

Our teams are headed to Reims, to a Joan of Arc statue for the next clue.  Louie & Michael (hey, did you know they are detectives?) say that, being detectives, it’s easy for them to stay up late and drive late at night, cause they are detectives.  And now, I’m going to ignore them for the bulk of this review.

Dan & Jordan get directions to the Cathy Drone (not the cathedral’s actual name) which is the closest landmark to the statue.  Dan (Jordan? couldn’t tell) says that people don’t speak good English outside of Reims.  (*sigh* ) The clue box houses corks with the label “Champagne LeClerc Briant.”

Female Jordan confuses Noah’s Ark with Joan of Arc.  Sure, I could make a dumb blonde joke here, but 1) I’m not Brandy or Carol and 2) I once asked a woman at an information desk at a Barnes & Noble, “Who wrote Dante’s Inferno?”  True story.  Don’t judge me.

At Champagne LeClerc Briant, one team member has to rappel 100 feet into the caves at the winery and search for a specially marked champagne bottle.  Then they have to use a saber to release the cork, causing a clue to shoot out the bottle.  This looks awesome and I want to go there.  The clue in the champagne bottle says Taittinger La Marquetterie, which is a chateau and vineyard in a nearby village.  When Brandy rappels, Carol waits and says to the camera, “Hopefully, she’s not in a piss-ass mood when she comes back up here.”  Methinks that’s not the last time Carol will say that, no?

So, the cowboys accidentally go to Champagne, which is 40 kilometers away. Then, on their way to the Detour, they accidentally go to Taittinger’s headquarters rather than this this gorgeous location, a mistake made by several other teams.  However, the best goof-up this leg belongs to Steve, who damages the front of his car pretty badly by running into the curb while parking.  Instead of waiting for a new car, Steve goes all MacGyver, using duct tape that he had (quite smartly) packed.

The Detour is Tower or Terra.  Tower requires the teams to build a tower of 680 champagne glasses with 15 stories and one glass on top.  It must hold up to a bottle of champagne poured down the top of the finished tower.  In Terra, they have to search a square kilometer for a tiny cluster of grapes.  It is blatantly clear which is the stupid choice here, but this does not stop Dan & Jordan from choosing Tower, citing their preference for skill challenges better than luck challenges.  Normally, I feel the same (skill challenges, I can control, but luck. . . .?), but this involves 680 champagne glasses, and that’s just ridiculous.

Citing his ability to find crack up a man’s anus (don’t ask; it’s not like you really want to know the answer anyway), Michael finds the grapes quickly and he and Louie are the first to hit the pit stop, which means that they are first to be creeped out by the mime waiting there with Phil.  Brandy & Carol, who also chose Terra, head to the pit stop second, and cross paths with Brent & Caite who follow them, not realizing that Brandy and Carol have already finished the Detour.  Once they see Phil, they realize that they made a mistake and turn around, and we hear Brandy say (of course) “I was like how did they get through so fast?”

(Remember back when I was looking forward to mocking Brent & Caite for being model/pageant contestants?  Can you guess at how annoyed I am at Brandy & Carol for taking away this joy for me?  I’m pretty sure there’s some lesson here that I should learn, but I’m just going to wait until the season’s over to absorb it.)

When Brandy & Carol finish second, Phil asks the two if they are going to win.  Brandy says 1) she doesn’t want to jinx it and 2) “We want to win,” and 3) “We’re going to win.”  So, nice job on not jinxing it, there. Steve & Allie, who also chose Terra, finish third, and I still really don’t know who these people are.  Brent decides that he and Caite should chose Terra, much to Caite’s chagrin.  In fact, she’s so annoyed with this choice, that she pretty much just stands there while Brent looks for the grapes.  Eventually, her pouting convinces Brent to switch Detours which. . .no, no, no, no, no!

Indeed, Dan & Jordan, who arrived at the Detour second, are still finishing Tower when Jet & Cord, who got lost twice and ended up at the Detour fifth, finish the race in fourth place. In other words, Dan & Jordan’s pick of Tower moved them from second to fifth.  Still, Brent can’t take Caite’s whining, so he diligently stacks glasses for a good hour, only to have the Tower crumble when he pours the champagne.  They switch back to Terra.  And find the grapes fairly quickly, causing Caite to give a very, very, well-earned apology.

Ultimately, in an absolute surprise to no one, Jeff & Jordan come in last and are eliminated.  I must admit that I will miss them, because they seemed to genuinely enjoy each other, and that’s always nice to see, even in reality TV whores.  As if to emphasize this point, the episode ends with an interview with Caite & Brent where Caite says she’s annoyed at always being last, while Brent just looks in the camera in a way that suggests that being last is the least of his current annoyances.

Season 16, Episode 6: Cathy Drone? (originally aired March 21, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of CBS.