The Bachelor: On the Wings of What?

Well, crap.

To (literally) quote a friend, this seems to be the general reaction to Jake’s final pick on Monday’s Bachelor: “i hate him. he is the biggest hypocrite!!! he said he finds himself trying to pick tenley apart cause she’s so perfect….IDIOT THAT’S WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING PEOPLE DO TO YOU YOUR ENTIRE LIFE AND YOU HAVE BEEN FIGHTING AGAINST IT. i hope you have a miserable life with vienna”. And goodnight.

Even though it was leaked towards the beginning of this season that Vienna was going to be the last girl standing, I still didn’t want to believe it. I thought that somehow, someway, her fake tan and extensions would betray her, and Jake would come to his senses and realize that Tenley is the smart choice. Instead, Jake went for the immature, codependent, obnoxious V face… and now he is going to be on Dancing with the Stars so we have clearly entered bizarre territory. I used to think that Jake was boring and vanilla, but at least I didn’t used to think he was stupid.  Even though according to my idol Chris Harrison I should feel guilty, I just don’t. The Enforcer “can’t imagine telling anybody they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness. How can that be wrong?” but somehow it just feels like I have the right to judge people I have been watching obsessively for weeks. This probably says more about my level of sanity than Jake’s, but I maintain that he’s been duped.

Let’s go back to St. Lucia for the final dates. Tenley meets Jake’s family and they are all ready to adopt her like the cute little pound puppy she is. Seriously I thought Jake’s dad was going to try and steal her in his carry on luggage. Everything was fairies and butterflies until their final date and Jake tells her that he just doesn’t feel the physical connection with Tenley town. He says that they are in perfect sync emotionally, but physically they just don’t have sparks. Well, that is really a lovely thing to say to someone who has been cheated on and thinks that she repels man members to begin with.

Then with Vienna, Jake made the mistake of prefacing the meet and greet with the fam with the reality that Vienna was hated by everyone in the house. This posed as a particular problem for Mama Jake because she sees women as the glue to the family and wants Jake’s wife to get along swimmingly with the other wives. So, Vienna came in and the family was super awkward, not helped by the fact that the third thing Vienna shared about herself was that no one liked her in the house. She didn’t do herself any favors during brunch when she avoided questions by rolling her eyes and downing more mimosas, and making bitchy quips about the other women, like Twinkle Toes Tenley, saying she was a robot. Vienna tried to get in the good graces (and through nothing short of witchcraft succeeded) of Jake’s family, and justified her actions and people’s reactions to her by saying that she is just brutally honest, and she made it clear that she was there for Jake from the beginning and didn’t come to make friends. Then on their last date, Jake took Vienna to some sulfur springs to roll around in mud and touch one another– just to be sure they had that emotional connection. Jake talks about how he loves spending time with Vienna and she is so fun and playful bla bla bla, it’s pretty easy when you are a professional, Jake. The only way I didn’t totally lose it during this date was reminding myself that they smelled like crap the whole time. Like actual stinky, rotten egg dookie.

So Jake is torn, allegedly, and picks two rings for the two ladies and us die hard fans knew it was all over once Tenley was the first one to arrive via helicopter. Poor Tenley was told she wasn’t the one because something just didn’t feel right (in his pants). What also didn’t feel right during this dumping was Tenley’s lighting, woof. I know she can’t control the sunshine (wait, can she?), but that was just cruel to put someone –whose face is going to contort in all sorts of weird ways from an emotional bomb– DIRECTLY into the sun. Jake kept saying that something just didn’t come naturally with Tenley (in his pants), and then cried on the balcony like any good Bachelor.  It was sad to see Ten Ten go, even though she said her heart was happy again, and that she was so thankful to Jake for making her realize that she was worthy of love again. She said goodbye to the St. Lucia sun because I’m sure they made friends and had some sing-a-longs during her trip, and then she drove away.

Then Vienna. Ugh. Jake gave her her gross pink ring back and she thought she was gonezo for a hot sec, but then Jake quickly told her that she was the one he loves and asked her to marry him.

WHAT.

Yeah, that really happened.

Then the new cast of Dancing with the Stars was announced and Kate Gosselin’s extension situation is rivaling Vienna’s. I’m also fairly certain that Shannen Doherty will pull a Tonya Harding and/or cause significant amounts of damage to the building before the end of the season. In other words, I’ll be watching. Also, doesn’t it just seem categorically unfair that Olympic champions and people who suffer from CRD like Jake are allowed to compete on the same stage? Woof.

After that, we had After the Final Rose! Tenley looked as cute as ever and was so sweet and composed when seeing Jake (except for smelling him and commenting). Jake tried to explain that he had put her up on a pedestal and feels very protective over her (like any good father figure), and even though he loves her, they just weren’t right together. Then that was pretty much over, and now Tenley has hope in her heart from this experience and Jake has a (I so badly want to type “ho” right now but The Enforcer made me feel bad about it, damn you, Chris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) lady from Florida.

Before his “baby” came out, Jake acknowledged that his pick may be surprising. He said that he will always think of Tenley as a great friend and never wanted to hurt her feelings, but he has just never had as much heat as he does with Vienna. Good thing things like that don’t fade. Justifying his choice by basically saying he doesn’t have to, Vienna comes out and I’m still not buying what she’s selling.

Vienna is codependent and 23, while Jake is Mr. Rogers and 31. Maybe it’s editing, or maybe it’s reality, but did Vienna ever talk about anything she wants to do with her own life? She says she has never been in love before, so why was she acting like her eggs were about to expire and this show or a mail order groom were her only options for the future? She has never had a real job, and not that that is means to gauge someone’s worth, but it just seems like her dad did everything for her before this show, and now Jake will do everything for her after. I don’t know if you can really settle with someone who has never been independent. But whatevs, prove me wrong Vienna you have already come this far.

Since this season started as a joke, it was only fitting for it to end as one. Jeffrey Osborne showed up to sing “On the Wings of Love” while America cringed, and Vake/Jienna danced. The happy couple told Chris that Vienna was moving to Dallas, and then Chris told them, not before you go back to Jade Mountain in St. Lucia! Ten bucks says their first kid (ohemgee do you think it will really come to that?) will be named Jade. Or Delta.

Not all hope is lost though, Ali is the next Bachelorette! I’m still mourning the loss of Gia from this franchise, but I have high hopes for Ali running that show like no one’s business, while hopefully having an on-call hair stylist.

Til next time, be sure to buy your loved ones some flowers to keep the floral business up and running between seasons.

Season 14, Episodes 9&10: Finale and After the Final Rose (originally aired March 1, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC and Mark Brendel.