American Idol: People Get Ready

We must be getting down to the nitty gritty, readers, as the American Idol performance episodes have officially been reduced to a mere sixty minutes. Despite the dwindling contestants, there’s still a lot of activity to cram into one measly, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it hour (approximately forty-five minutes with commercials). As a result, this week’s edition of Idol has a decidedly more serious tone to it.

Additionally, I suspect the more subdued demeanor is largely due to the heavily promoted Idol Gives Back charity drive and subsequent theme of “inspirational” songs, but it can also be partially credited to, I think, damage control for the zany spectacle of last week’s episode. There simply isn’t time tonight for Seacrest and his exhibitions of temporary insanity, to the chagrin of my desire for some comic relief. The amount of material with which I’m able to poke fun at the modern-day Gong Show that is American Idol only decreases as the season drones on. While I appreciate the efficiency, with only an hour of airtime for the performances from this point on, I’m almost sad to say there’s little more than the singing to eviscerate this week.

Seacrest kicks things off with a dramatically solemn, if not completely unnecessary, reminder of Idol Gives Back, setting the tone for the entire episode: “When you cast a vote on this show, you help to change lives; but this week, your efforts will help save lives. This is the time when we give back, and this is American Idol.” No, this is pretentious self-righteousness disguised as benevolence. American Idol is shallow, grandiose karaoke. Let’s not get our shameless programming mixed up. On with the show!

I’m immediately taken aback when the ostentatious announcement of the judges’ arrival and Seacrest’s majestic descent of the illuminated staircase onto center stage is markedly absent. Instead, the panel is already seated and Seacrest modestly walks down said staircase and actually introduces himself to the audience: “My name is Ryan Seacrest.” Well, hello there Ryan Seacrest! My name is Bewildered Viewer. We’re treated to a brief glimpse of former Idols Didi, Lacey and Paige in the audience before Seacrest tells us there are still tickets left for the Idol Gives Back sister broadcast at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium as though the entire population of Idol spectators resides in the drivable vicinity of Southern California. Per this announcement, I have a feeling parents across every other geographical area of the country had to give their daughters disappointing reasons not to make an impromptu trip to Pasadena Wednesday night.

Alicia Keys, the contestants’ inspirational mentor for this week’s collection of inspirational songs, has an inspirational array of accomplishments to her credit as a result of making inspirational music – so we’re told via obligatory montage. Did I mention this week’s theme is inspiration? In fact, Miss Keys has 12 Grammys and was named the Billboard R&B Artist of the Decade for 2000-2009, in addition to her various charitable efforts regarding the AIDS epidemic in Africa. I don’t need to be convinced of Alicia Keys’ magnificence as I’ve been in awe of her for years, and am pleased there’s a successful recording artist I truly respect making an appearance this week. Personally, I would have found this an untimely episode to trot out, say, Miley Cyrus, and am grateful for the touch of class to an already garish presentation.

Casey James is up first singing the Fleetwood Mac classic “Don’t Stop.” Alicia encourages Casey to find his own connection to the lyrics and evoke it through his performance, saying it’s important that the audience doesn’t “dismiss” him due to the universal familiarity of the song. Instead of “I love this song,” Alicia hopes Casey can cause viewers to think, “I love him.” Considering the overwhelming demographic of Idol fans, I don’t think Casey will have to put forth much effort to complete this assignment – a wide flash of his pearly whites before he utters a single note should do the trick. Unfortunately, while the performance is certainly vocally competent and musically superior (pretty badass guitar work), Casey’s approach is much too straightforward and lacks both the emotion Alicia had advised him to work on and the innovation needed to secure a spot in voters’ memories, especially as the first contestant of the night. The lackluster effort is particularly frustrating given his compelling rendition of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy” two weeks ago. The most creative aspect of Casey’s performance is the set of cardboard guitars his friends made to show support. The judges are also growing tired of Casey’s business-as-usual presentation. Randy says it was “good” but not his “best,” adding that we’re starting to see “the same thing” from Casey week after week. Ellen commends his guitar playing but thinks “no one will be talking about [the performance] tomorrow,” while Kara also laments the lack of “Jealous Guy” vulnerability and unwelcome presence of “jam band” nonchalance. Simon doesn’t beat around the bush, flatly informing Casey it was “not inspiring,” showed “zero emotion” and contained “no originality.” Although I completely agree, it stings to say those things about Casey who, to echo Kara, I still believe in. With capable singing and nimble instrumentation the performance was good on paper, but with a startling lack of depth, it was also paper-thin. B-

Casey’s closest rival, fellow rocker Lee DeWyze, is up next. He’s singing “The Boxer,” one of Simon and Garfunkel’s many poetic efforts. Lee says this song is inspiring for him because he listened to this kind of music with his parents as a kid, and ended up developing an interest in the guitar as a result. During rehearsal Alicia has Lee speak the lyrics to her to help him understand the actual story of the song on a more fundamental level before adding musical characteristics to aid the storytelling. It’s a beautiful song to begin with, and Lee’s adaptation does it justice. In addition to his acoustic guitar, Lee is accompanied by an adept string orchestra and tasteful piano, and he vocally conveys everything Casey, sadly, did not: sincerity, connection and genuine emotion. I actually believe this song means something to Lee, and the judges do, too. Randy exclaims that Lee has a “big career” ahead of him, while Ellen applauds his “soul” and “depth.” Kara, indirectly dissing Casey, says Lee showed what a difference having a connection to the song makes in one’s performance. Simon directly disses Casey, saying the disparity between his performance and Lee’s are “staggering,” adding that Lee made “The Boxer” sound as though it had been “written a week ago.” I can’t believe this is the same guy I wrote off as a surefire goner during Hollywood Week. A

After a quick hello to hero pilot Captain Sully in the audience, we learn Teflon Tim is taking on the Goo Goo Dolls’ “Better Days.” Alicia says she “like[s] it on him,” while Tim adds, “she wanted [him] to show that [he] meant the words.” That’d be a good start, Tim. Upon initial analysis, this seems like an amazingly sharp song choice given Tim’s usual lack of any musical instinct. However, considering his mystifying emergence from the depths of pitiful unworthiness to nearly listenable competence in recent weeks, I brace myself for the worst: an unbearably empirical triumph from Teflon Tim. God, could it be? I’m not sure I can handle further proficiency from the least proficient contestant. Thankfully, I’m pleased to report the stars have seemingly realigned, as Teflon Tim’s version of “Better Days” is dreadfully off-key from the first measure on. Despite having the same orchestra as Lee to back him up, Tim’s performance never gets off the ground. His delivery is uninspiring to say the least, and I couldn’t be happier. While he seems like a nice enough kid, Tim’s already overstayed his welcome – I feel like I’m the only one who remembers him originally not making it to the Top 24.

Ellen is uninspired herself, comparing Tim to “the soup of the day.” Sometimes she likes it, sometimes she doesn’t. Tonight, she doesn’t. Kara decides to take the high road, tactfully saying this week “wasn’t [Tim’s] best execution,” while Simon says, in light of Tim’s recent improvement, tonight’s performance was a “letdown.” Seacrest marvels at Tim’s complacent disposition, calling him “gazpacho,” quickly adding, “cool soup,” for those who don’t know what gazpacho is, which I suspect is many. Groan. I think this song, not unlike Idol itself, has certainly seen “Better Days.” C

I’m going to have to issue a disclaimer before delving into the next critique: I can’t stand R. Kelly, both musically and as a person. His sketchy past and slimy demeanor frankly gross me out, and “I Believe I Can Fly” might be on my list of least favorite songs of all time. That being said, of all people to pick this as their “inspirational” song, the fact it is Aaron Kelly is amusingly ironic to me. I wonder if he has any idea what kind of shenanigans R. Kelly has allegedly been involved in, especially when he says he’s been singing this song since he was five years old, first debuting it at a preschool graduation. Wow. Needless to say, I already have difficulty being objective in my review, and the performance hasn’t even started yet. Alicia is dubious, but for different reasons. She diplomatically says the melodrama of the song could be “overkill,” and Aaron declares he doesn’t want to be “intimidated” by its histrionics. For the first half, however, intimidated is exactly what he seems. His vocals are tenuous and the arrangement is underwhelming, and just when it looks as though Aaron’s nerves have officially won him over, the second half begins to soar in comparison. Overall, it’s by no means a rousing success, but it’s always more desirable to end on a better note than you started, as opposed to the other way around. This kid still seems to have no grasp of contemporary music – has he turned on a radio since kindergarten? – but indisputably has the basis of undeniable vocal talent.

Randy says Aaron held it together despite the “funny” arrangement. Ellen, taking a lesson from the Randy Jackson school of grammar and says he “handled it real good,” while Kara compares the performance to a shaky take-off. Simon says it turned out okay if he takes Aaron’s likeability into consideration, but “in the real world” he would have “turned it off in ten seconds” had he heard it on the radio. I certainly didn’t hate it, but for me it’s still an intolerable song sung by a well-meaning but uninspiring vocalist. B-

I’m dismayed to admit I’m looking less forward to Siobhan’s performances as the weeks continue. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but she’s almost pulling an Andrew Garcia by starting out so strong and raising the bar that her failure to live up to expectations has been sadly disappointing. She’s still wonderfully weird and captivatingly kooky, but her decision to sing “When You Believe,” the 90s duet by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston from a Disney movie no one remembers (I looked it up for you: The Prince of Egypt. You’re welcome.) is so startling in its generic embracing of mainstream mediocrity I’ve almost given up hope entirely. The Siobhan we knew mere weeks ago would have turned up her nose at such drivel. “When You Believe,” really?! When I believe this shameless impostor has been rightfully banished and the real Siobhan has reentered the competition, I’ll let my doubt subside. Alicia, however, is optimistic, saying she’s “very impressed” with Siobhan’s vocal skills, and adding that she can do “things most people can’t do.” It turns out to be the best Siobhan has sounded in weeks, but still strangely restrained and completely void of the edgy quirk that made her so endearing in the first place. Plus, the song sucks.

Kara agrees, saying it may have technically been sung well, but she has no idea who Siobhan is as an artist and, at this point, would “rather hang out with [her] than buy [her] record.” I couldn’t have said it better. Randy and Ellen offer little in terms of helpful criticism, the former calling it “just okay,” and the latter saying it was “confirmation of why [she’s] in the competition.” Simon thinks it was strangely “old-fashioned” and “all over the place.” Siobhan tries to say this song has “touched [her] deeply” in the past, which is the aspect of the performance I find hardest to believe. B-

Big Mike has been preparing himself for Idol glory for some time, admitting he had compiled a playlist in recent years of more than 200 songs to choose from if he ever made it on the show. Tonight, he chose to use his go-to catalog for inspiration, albeit drawing a strange conclusion. When he says he’s singing “Hero,” I immediately think of the Mariah Carey hit from years back, but it’s actually the Nickelback theme from Spider-Man. Huh. I don’t know if that’s better or worse. He sings it well and chooses the accompaniment du jour – acoustic guitar and backing strings – that complements the arrangement, but it’s just not up to the Big Mike glory we’ve come to know in recent weeks. Simon puts my feelings into words for me, saying the performance felt “artificial” and “didn’t quite gel” for him. Kara says the song was virtually “unrecognizable,” which I don’t necessarily think is a bad thing, while Randy and Ellen continue their positive sentiments that don’t contain much substance. Given other sub-par performances tonight, I think Big Mike has at least proven himself worthy of the Judges’ Save – for now. B

Seacrest teases us before the break that Crystal will be completely sans instrument this week, which makes my ears perk up. Since we’re six Idols down and one to go, she’s also closing the show and I’m relieved that things will at least be ending on a definite upswing. Her inspirational song choice is Curtis Mayfield’s “People Get Ready,” and Alicia says she “know[s] people are gonna love this performance,” calling Crystal “one of [her] favorites,” and “very, very special.” Okay, people, get ready, because it turns out Crystal may have even sounded better vocally without an instrument to focus on. She begins with a haunting a cappella that renders the studio silent – nary a peep from the surely captivated audience, or the definitely captivated me – and ends with a startling burst into tears that would have been painfully corny coming from anyone else. In this season of schlock, Crystal is the irrefutable shining light, and only continues to outdo herself week after week, simple as that.

Randy gives her a standing ovation, something I usually find sickeningly overdone but in this case deserving, while Ellen marvels at her antique mic stand and evolving nature. Kara says Crystal is on another level and “just schooled all these other contestants” (that’s not why they call her Mamasox, though, Kara), and Simon is glad to see Crystal get emotional, succinctly saying, “Now that was inspirational.” Crystal’s dad is in the audience for the first time, hence her tears, and Seacrest endearingly gives her his pocket handkerchief. I could use one, myself. A+

Despite the philanthropic efforts and humane themes of Wednesday’s Idol Gives Back, one contestant will still be eliminated, and the tension is growing thicker as fewer duds remain in the competition. The biggest duds of Wednesday night for me are the Black Eyed Peas as they seriously stink up the joint with an abysmal performance of a compilation of sounds I dare anyone to call music. Mercifully, they performed first, making room for the likes of Mary J. Blige (with Randy Jackson himself on bass! Dawg!), Elton John, Joss Stone with Jeff Beck, Carrie Underwood, Annie Lennox and this week’s mentor Alicia Keys to showcase what paid performers are supposed to sound like. A few snippets of impoverished areas of the U.S. and Africa and their accompanying celebrity visitors tug the heartstrings, while unfortunate attempts at comedy courtesy of George Lopez, the usually hilarious Wanda Sykes, and the movie-promoting Jonah Hill and Russell Brand remind me why I can’t stand this crap in the first place. A surprising bottom three is revealed, with Casey (!), Aaron and Tim asked to take a seat in the doomed stools. As Aaron is sent to safety first I begin preparing to throw my television out the window if Casey is voted off. Miraculously, however, even the power of teenage estrogen and Vote For the Worst apparently can’t keep Teflon Tim in the running for American Idol any longer, and he is sent home. Now, that’s inspirational.

Brace yourself for next week, readers, as the Top Six tackle songs by Shania Twain, who will also serve as the contestants’ mentor – I’ll tell you right now, that don’t impress me much. Somewhere in Chicago, however, John Park just let out a cry of regret.

For another take on these episodes, read American Idol Giveth and Taketh Away by Inisia Lewis

Season 9, Episodes 32 & 33: Top 7 Performance and Idol Gives Back/Top 7 Results (originally aired April 20 & 21, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.