American Idol: Two More Idols Have Left The Building

Tuesday night’s edition of American Idol seemed to be a challenge for everyone involved, as all nine contestants from last week unexpectedly remained in the competition due to the last-minute implementation of the Judges’ Save (don’t blow it, Big Mike!). The performances needed to be squeezed into a ninety-minute segment instead of the two hours of comfort room we’ve been subjected to throughout the duration of the live shows thus far. With an extra contestant included – we’re to assume the producers had originally expected eight this week – every aspect of the production seemed erratic and rushed. The judges were allotted literally a sentence each for one harried critique, and Seacrest was downright kooky from the get-go—gruesome details regarding the latter are forthcoming. The Idols, save for predictable dexterity from Crystal and one or two other bright spots, seemed uninspired, exhausted and, frankly, a little bored. More likely, sadly, is the possibility they were really just boring. Considering the hope for possible redemption the preceding two weeks had offered, to admit this potential has been left unfulfilled is a hard pill to swallow. After what seems like the inevitable peak of Season Nine, Tuesday night reminded us all why this group is no doubt going down in Idol history as the most lackluster yet. Of course, once the inexorable finale between arguable shoo-in Crystal and her could-be-anyone opponent is upon us, I may be happily forced to eat my words. In theory, this week should have followed the path to success carved by last week’s victorious theme of Lennon/McCartney songs and Usher’s adept mentorship the week before that. Now, dear readers, begins my analysis into the plethora of reasons why it didn’t.

After Seacrest slurs and staggers his way through reminding us of Big Mike’s close call (the reward apparently is to take Katie’s front and center placement in the contestant parade), we learn the Idols will be “drawing inspiration from one of music’s biggest icons,” in this case Elvis Presley. Uh oh. Elvis themes have never been established as particularly successful in previous seasons, and I immediately develop a sinking feeling there’s going to be an abundance of karaoke in this karaoke contest tonight. It’s been proven difficult to un-cheese the already cheesy, and the required utilization of Elvis songs certainly won’t aid this dilemma. Via informational montage, we learn Elvis has sold a billion records worldwide (!), making him the most successful solo artist in popular music history – whoa. In turn, the Idols are treated to a V.I.P. getaway to Las Vegas to help set the mood. How Method. I would have assumed they’d be whisked away to Graceland, but the glitzy façade of smarmy Vegas will certainly suit an Elvis theme just fine. No sooner do the curtains close on Cirque du Soleil’s Viva Elvis show does the contestants’ mentor arrive. Thank the heavens! In walks last season’s runner-up, the glamtastic, uberfabulous Adam Lambert in all his glittery glory, the current reigning champion of glitzy façades. Things are looking up.

Adam explains how he loves Elvis because “he’s a showman” who possessed all the required characteristics of a successful performer and recording artist, such as charisma, stage presence, a distinctive voice and iconic songs. Okay. It’s also noted that Adam is the first former Idol contestant asked to mentor, and he acknowledges the opportunity with self-effacing gratitude and humility. Too bad Seacrest, sitting next to Adam in the audience, ruins the moment by attempting to sing a line from Adam’s latest single and then shrugging off the already-embarrassing moment by saying, “my tongue isn’t as talented as yours.” Good lord, Seacrest.

With my palm already slapped against my forehead, finding out that Crystal is going first only exacerbates my incredulity at tonight’s conspicuous tomfoolery. If Crystal goes first, then the majority of what little we have to look forward to will be behind us within the first ten minutes of the episode. Sigh. It’s going to be a long night. Crystal is singing “Saved,” a bluesy, lesser-known ditty from the Elvis canon, and Adam is rightfully mesmerized. The only real advice he gives is for Crystal to use an electric guitar to liven things up a bit. Other than that, all he has to offer is applause. The song is a cheeky tale of redemption told with a slight gospel flair, and it’s the most energetic Crystal’s sounded in weeks. She also offers more physicality and rapport with the audience than she has in the past, and the result is a resounding success. Of course it’s great, but it’s particularly great for Crystal, and I’m particularly pleased for her. Randy calls Crystal “the second coming of Bonnie Raitt,” and Ellen, officially at a loss for words, asks the audience if it’s anyone’s birthday. Kara and I are seeing eye to eye, as she notes that Crystal’s personality was more accessible than usual, and the uptempo beat was a wise choice. Simon likes that she “didn’t choose an obvious song” and, sounding exceptionally British, that she “put her own ‘slahnt’ on it.” Too bad it’s probably all going downhill from here. A+

When Seacrest asks, “What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?” I’m sure he meant to pose the question rhetorically. Nevertheless, I’ll answer it: Very little. Andrew’s first mistake was choosing to sing the colossally clichéd “Hound Dog.” His second, and most crucial, was to slow the tempo, giving it a strange, almost lulling effect. Adam tactfully says Andrew “left [him] wanting more,” and recommended he add “punch” to the arrangement. While Andrew seems to be singing with a bit more conviction, the song itself is simply too sluggish and contains zero “punch” whatsoever. Dragging the microphone stand back and forth across the stage doesn’t help. It’s really too bad, especially considering “Hound Dog” is known for its rousing effect. Whose idea was it to slow it down? This is one song where the upbeat rhythm is essential – without it, the entire performance deflates. Randy, Kara and Simon all agree, calling it varying degrees of “lazy” and “not good karaoke.” Ellen says Andrew needed “more swagger,” but then inexplicably declares she “liked it a whole lot.” Sometimes Ellen seems a bit more out of her element than others. Tonight, apparently, isn’t a good night for her, or for Andrew. C-

Seacrest’s quickening departure from reality (or sobriety, as the case may be) is more evident in his statement, “Find out which Elvis track Tim’s doing!” before the break. He clearly doesn’t remember Adam telling us it’s “Can’t Help Falling In Love,” perhaps because he was focused on other things, like people’s tongues. Ew. He then introduces Tim Urban as “Turban,” as though this is what we’ve been calling him all season. His weird behavior is made all the weirder as we see his mom in the audience. Dude, your mom’s here?! Get it together! She’s adorable, though, and looks understandably perplexed when Seacrest says, “How depressed is she to have me as a son?” Um, what? As for Turban, Adam recommends he use his “head voice,” which is a friendly reminder to not sing through his nose. He also presents the idea of singing the final line of the song in falsetto, an alarming prospect considering the disaster of “Apologize,” Turban’s last attempt at such a high register. Although I need to take a breath before typing this, I have to say it truly turns out to be possibly his best performance. He sounds controlled, polished, believable and heartfelt. He also wisely nixes the falsetto, and my eardrums are forever grateful. Am I now a Turbanite? Of course not, but I can’t be so gleefully harsh on the kid as I’d like, because, like last week, he simply didn’t suck. His delivery is a bit choppy (“Can’t. Help. Falling. In. Love. With. You.” ), but overall? I almost bought it. Almost. I feel as though the judges, despite their best efforts, are inadvertently using a special judging mechanism for Tim – I’m afraid I might be, too. This was a great Tim performance, but merely an acceptable performance in the grand scheme of things, nothing more. Kara and Simon unnecessarily slobber all over it, while Randy keeps things restrained, saying, “I actually liked it.” Ellen compares her feelings for Tim to shots of tequila, which means she likes him more the longer he sticks around. I’m siding more with the bewildered Randy: I think I might have actually kind of liked this. B+

While reminding us to vote for our favorite contestants, Seacrest continues his descent into madness by accosting an elderly woman in the audience. Noting the possibility of one’s favorite going home if one doesn’t vote, he shakes the poor lady by her shoulders, shouting “THAT WOULD SUCK!” directly in her face. Her expression is that of someone stuck in a windstorm. The scene is truly horrifying, but, like a car accident, impossible not to gawk at.

Lee’s up next, and Adam notes with glorious-yet-diplomatic bitchery that, while performing, Lee has “nothing going on” in terms of facial expression. He accessorizes this statement with flourishing hand gestures framing his face, and Lee has no choice but to haplessly agree. His revelatory idea for a remedy? “I need to sing as if I’m really saying it,” Lee lamely offers, and Adam nods with more judicious restraint than I’d ever be able to muster. Bravo. Lee’s singing “A Little Less Conversation,” surely one of the most thinly veiled sexual innuendos of its time, and notorious killer of Idol hope. Chris Daughtry was shockingly voted off after deftly singing this song in Season Five, and I’d love to forget JPL’s infamous rendition in Season Three. Luckily for Lee, his performance is more closely related to the former (let’s just hope he survives the vote), and his own triumphant rendition of “Treat Her Like A Lady” two weeks ago that put him on the map of potential finalists. Unlike “Hey Jude” from last week, Lee’s voice has more control and enunciation, avoiding the sloppy phrases that can sometimes plague his otherwise good performances. Finally, he also showcases more emotion in his demeanor via newfound facial expressions – thanks, Adam. It’s my second favorite offering of Lee’s, and the judges are fans as well, with Simon saying it was “on the money, full stop.” Kara likes the “intensity [she’s] never seen from [Lee] before” and says Lee “really went for it” vocally. Ellen thinks Lee made the song contemporary, saying it “sounded like a new song” she heard for the first time. I agree with Randy (the content of his statements, not the structure) when he notes that Lee is “definitely in the zone.” A

Young Aaron Kelly knows he’s made a misstep by choosing to sing the hopelessly old-fashioned “Blue Suede Shoes.” Of all the Elvis songs, this one is probably the most impossible to update, and Aaron’s biggest problem throughout this competition has been his tendency to perform as though he’s thirty years older than he really is. Adam tries to help Aaron make the song snazzier, telling him to be “more aggressive” with his vocals and to “Grab it! Grab it!” when he hits a good tone. Nice try, Adam, but despite Aaron’s technical ability to sing well in an objective sense, he presents himself as the most out of touch 16-year-old on the planet. “Blue Suede Shoes?” Really? I’d have almost preferred “Viva Las Vegas,” for crying out loud. His awkward attempt to gyrate his hips only magnify the pallid manner of the performance, and I fear Aaron could be in real jeopardy, especially given the double elimination this week. Randy thinks the second half was better than the first, thus validating his statement “It was halfa halfa for me.” (Halfa halfa? I couldn’t make that up if I tried), while Simon laments Aaron’s uncanny ability to make himself as irrelevant as possible to the current climate of the music industry. Ellen is the funniest, asking Aaron “Did you pick that song?” When he says yes, she offers a befuddled, halfhearted “Oh. Okay,” quickly adding that she thinks he “just didn’t get all the way there.” That’s about the nicest way to put it. Yawn. C

The highly anticipated meeting of Siobhan and Adam Lambert (highly anticipated by me, anyway) is now upon us, but beforehand we learn Siobhan is a bona fide Elvis fan. Huh. She even talks about a report she wrote on the King in sixth grade, and declares the main reason behind her respect for him is his “rags to riches” background. Siobhan and Adam exchange pleasantries and declarations of mutual admiration before tackling Siobhan’s arrangement of “Suspicious Minds.” Adam immediately tells her to speed it up and “keep it rhythmic,” which, considering last week’s snooze-inducing “Across The Universe,” sounds like pretty good advice. Unfortunately, after the first couple of measures it’s clear that if this is the sped up version, I’d be asleep already if she’d kept the original tempo. I’ve never attempted to disguise my propensity to root for Siobhan (quite the opposite, really), but I’m getting just plain frustrated with her. Where’s the Siobhan who blew me away with “Wicked Game,” “House of the Rising Sun” and “Paint It Black,” the latter of which is on my iPod (yeah, I said it)? As David Byrne might say, this is not my beautiful house. Mercifully, the second half picks up and she belts out a glory note or two that are mildly evocative of the Siobhan of yore, but I find myself sadly reminiscing the weeks where I thought she really was the female reincarnation of Adam. Kara bemoans the dual existence of Siobhan’s voices, the “crazy screaming thing” being her favorite of the two. Simon mourns the loss of what made Siobhan Siobhan, saying he isn’t sure who she is anymore. Ellen simply says she liked the second half better (well, duh), and Randy outdoes his worst moments of Cro-Magnon vernacular, literally saying he liked “the thing with the whole kinda thing,” garnishing his eloquence with non-communicative hand gestures. God. Siobhan defends herself, saying that she’s always taken pride in having a multitude of identities, and doesn’t find it “necessary to be labeled” if she can’t label herself. Good point. B

Meanwhile, Seacrest continues his whirlwind of destruction, making a distasteful Dunkleman joke (like that guy needs to be made fun of) and spastically informing the audience about next week’s leviathan of self-congratulation disguised as philanthropy, Idol Gives Back, sponsored by Exxon Mobil. The preceding sentence sums up almost everything wrong with America without directly addressing any specific problem. How about that?

Speaking of leviathans, Big Mike is up next, and he has arguably the biggest shoes to fill tonight after technically being voted off last week. With two Idols being sent packing on Wednesday as a corollary, it’d be awfully anti-climactic if he didn’t manage to make the save worth his while. Personally, I’m glad he’s stuck around, but I will certainly start to harbor resentment if Casey, Lee, Siobhan or, God forbid, Crystal get the ouster as a result of the judges’ decision to keep Big Mike. This week he’s toning down the theatrics and singing “In The Ghetto,” a Siobhan-approved song he hadn’t heard until she recommended it. Despite his desire to provide a more subtle approach to his performance, Adam (being the duly noted theatrics expert he is) tells Mike to “bring [his] actor out” to help aid the storytelling of the song’s lyrics. Can’t there be a happy medium? Evidently, there can. Mike calmly sits on the edge of the stage, accompanied only by his acoustic guitar and lovely voice, and tells a compelling story through the music. There’s no frenetic movements, no bombastic histrionics, just an instrument, a voice and a story. Simple as that. I have a feeling Big Mike fans will vote for him in droves, but the judges are apparently told to wrap it up, and they only get about three seconds each to comment. Randy: “Hot vocals. Hot! HOT!” Ellen: “I’m glad we saved you.” Kara: “It was a beautiful song and you sung it well.” Simon: “A million, billion times better than last week, and one of my favorite performances from you. Congratulations.” Indeed. A

There’s nothing like Katie Stevens and her hopelessly lame “Grrr!” face to make me look less forward to an upcoming Idol performance. If I could only retrieve my eyeballs from the back of my head, I’d be able to watch it. Tonight, in spite of her relatively triumphant, well-received version of “Let It Be” last week, she feels the need to vocally mouth off to the judges. She’s apparently using her choice to sing “Baby What Do You Want Me To Do” as a way to therapeutically release some of the stress the competition has given her. Adam is all over it, telling her to “get throaty!” and be assertive, and Katie certainly follows the advice. I already know before it starts that there’s going to be a cavalcade of every pout, prance, sneer, smirk, and set of raised eyebrows I’ve detested since Katie Stevens entered my life during Hollywood Week. I understand what she’s trying to do, but her efforts are in vain as she accomplishes nothing more than securing a spot on a future Real Housewives installment, circa 2025. Randy chuckles and panders to her never-ending pageant-ready persona, saying, “Katie’s getting a little sassy!” Ellen also cops out, saying it’s a “horny song,” then pretends to cover her tracks, claiming to have referred to the multiple brass instruments accompanying Katie’s performance (“There were a lot of horns! HORNS!”). Kara gives it two snaps up, and Simon calls it “loud and annoying.” I’ll take this time to mention there is a sign in the audience tonight shown twice so far that reads, “Simon’s not mean, he’s truthful.” C+

With his unbelievable rendition of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy” last week, Casey has deservingly been given the coveted last spot. He’s singing “Lawdy Miss Clawdy,” (which Seacrest pronounces “Loudy Miss Cloudy,” as though he just inhaled a huge bong rip) and during rehearsal Adam recommends he find a way to incorporate a discernible dynamic arc, giving the song a more dramatic climax. Casey says he was worried about the same thing, and seems to be pleasantly surprised by Adam’s constructive comments. Just prior to the performance, Seacrest starts to outdo himself, even for tonight’s foray into the Twilight Zone, as he squeals (squeals!) to a dumbfounded tween in the audience, “Get ready for the very sexy Casey James!!” complete with shoulder shake and his nose about a centimeter from hers. Seriously, what is his major malfunction? As for Casey, it’s a solid arrangement and he sounds, well, good, but it doesn’t seem worthy to close the show. There isn’t anything particularly thrilling about it, despite the impressively intricate guitar work, and, overall, comes across as a bit muted. I’m surprised Casey’s phoned it in this week, given the momentum from his Lennon success. Simon is also disappointed, saying Casey displayed a “wasted opportunity,” given the theme and his placement in the show. Kara went a bit further, saying it “fell short of the brilliance [he’s] capable of.” Ellen’s not worried about Casey, though, reminding us he’s “always good.” Duly noted. B

During Wednesday night’s double elimination, the tension at Idol headquarters (as a thankfully lucid Seacrest refers to the studio) is palpable. Andrew is heavily favored to be one of the doomed duo, and is humanely informed of the unsurprising, yet still sad, news early on in the show. He clearly prepared himself and handles his exit with remarkable aplomb, although his best buddy Lee appears rather devastated. Sniff. The results show still has another fifty minutes to kill, so we’re shown a sanctimonious clip of Kara and Season Five contestant Elliot Yamin taking a field trip to Africa (Idol Gives Back in t-minus one week) to help curb the spread of malaria. Since I’m having zero emotional response to this shameless spectacle, I begin to wonder if I’m made of stone – that is, until a wee child throws his arms around Kara’s neck and she tears up, realizing she can’t take him home. Okay, that got me a little. I’m human, after all. After that, a horrendous duet between lovely Brooke White and some Z-list nobody who once dated Miley Cyrus and cannot sing (Justin Gaston is his name) takes place. They tackle the King’s “If I Can Dream” and I doubt anyone is paying any attention. As for me? Zzzzz. I perk up once Glambert himself rips the stage apart with his single “Whataya Want From Me,” which I definitely like better live than on the radio. There’s smoke, lasers, screaming, tongue and glitter galore and it’s plain to see that absolutely no one this season comes close to matching Adam with innate stage presence and charisma. I would wear Katy Perry’s “Adam Lambert” cape if I could get my hands on it, so fantastic he is. Sigh. So who’s getting the second boot? We already know Casey (whew!) and Aaron (uh oh!) are safe, so Seacrest brings Crystal, Siobhan, Lee, Big Mike, Tim and Katie to center stage. The final two left are Katie and Big Mike, and Seacrest tells us one wasn’t even in the bottom three. Sneaky! Turns out Big Mike was worth saving in the eyes of the voters, and Katie Stevens is officially off my TV.

Until next week, readers, where we’ll be presented with a truly fantastic mentor (Alicia Keys!) and a truly stupefying theme (“Inspirational” songs, gag). After all, this is American Idol.

For another take on these episodes, read A Top Nine Do-over by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 30 & 31: Top 9 Performance, Part 2 and Top 9 Results: 2 Contestants Eliminated (originally aired April 13 & 14, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.