American Idol: You Say You Want a Revolution?

Guess what, readers? Tuesday night on American Idol, it finally started to feel like an actual singing competition. Finally. With last week’s non-disaster preceding this week’s even bigger non-disaster, I’m officially relieved this season may scrape by as an acceptable entry into the Idol canon. Until very recently, most viewers (including yours truly) were about ready to chuck these hacks from future has-been territory into the already never-was vacuum of anonymity. The John Lennon/Paul McCartney repertoire provided the contestants with their song choices – a daunting opportunity which, thankfully, none of our Idols completely bludgeoned. Save for one meandering display in particular that nearly put me to sleep, most of the performances were respectably pleasant and several (several!) were frankly outstanding. Now that, arguably, only a couple of weak links remain in the competition, it seems clear we’re at the point where a bona fide shocker of an elimination could rear its ugly head at any time – especially because one or two of the aforementioned “weak links” happen to remain wildly popular among the voters’ biggest demographic. Yes, Teflon Tim, I’m typographically glaring at you.

Seacrest kicks things off with a biological metaphor for the production side of live television, calling the control room the “central nervous system” of Idol. I appreciate the rather deft analogy, but sadly lament its wasted use on a rather daft subject. The inner workings of broadcasting a live karaoke contest just aren’t first on my list of behind-the-scenes industry interests – no disrespect to the Idol technical directors. However, if so inclined, Seacrest should take his Fantastic Voyage allegory over to PBS or Discovery. I doubt Rupert Murdoch and his cronies at Fox have any interest in such scientific dalliances. I digress.

Clearly, the world has already forgotten about Lacey Brown, evident in her completely unacknowledged presence in the audience tonight. Fret not, Lacey! A fellow redhead in North Hollywood still remembers you! Not yet forgotten is last week’s ousted contestant Didi Benami, whose image is briefly flashed on the Idol JumboTron. In response to sparse expressions of remorse heard throughout the studio (and certainly his obvious, unrequited crush), Seacrest tersely, remorsefully quips, “Well, that’s the way it goes.” Fret not, Didi! A fellow blonde at CBS Television City still remembers you!

We’re reminded of the ambitious theme this week as John Lennon and Paul McCartney’s musical influence across the globe is rehashed via video montage for the kids at home watching who might be clueless as to the identity of these two shaggy-haired dudes. Does anyone not know who The Beatles are, even kids these days? Personally, I can’t recall when I first heard of them – they were simply always there in one way or another. I suspect (and hope) this deserved legacy will remain intact for generations to come, especially given the dreck polluting the Top 40 airwaves in recent years. Sir Paul himself has even videotaped a message wishing the contestants well, and he sounds genuinely sincere, albeit endearingly goofy, in his sentiments of good luck.

The judges are rightfully dubious about the challenging theme – Randy says he expects “big highs and big lows” from the contestants, but given the classically sound structure of the songs, there should be “no excuses.” Ellen gives a laundry list of her favorite Beatles songs, while Kara remarks how these tunes are just as relevant today as they were 40 years ago. Seacrest and Simon get into another contrived spat, this time about how liberal the contestants should be regarding their arrangements and interpretations. Simon says the initial construction of some songs should remain more intact than others, but overall he hopes none of the performances are “exactly like the original.”

16-year-old Aaron Kelly is up first, and we learn before he sings that his fellow contestants refer to him as “Yoda,” due to his alleged anachronistic wisdom. We’re then treated to the Idols all making fun of Aaron’s quirks in grammatically challenged Yoda voices. Seriously. “I don’t know if it’s a compliment or they just do it to pick on me,” says Aaron, clearly already aware of the answer to his own question. Wise to their tricks you are, young Aaron. The song he’s chosen is “The Long and Winding Road,” and I feel as though Aaron has somehow managed to turn onomatopoeia into a physical act – the first thought in my head as he’s singing is, “Well, this is long and winding, all right.” The level of boring he achieves is almost like he’s hoping viewers will zone out and forget he ever performed. Going first will certainly aid this mission. He doesn’t sound terrible in terms of pitch, but the general effect is one of overwhelming indifference that I can’t muster the drive to critique any further. The judges are equally apathetic, with Ellen echoing my exact thoughts (“It felt like a long and winding song,” she says), Randy saying the performance was “sleepy” and “just laid still,” and Kara hinting with the discretion of a foghorn that Aaron needs to try something a bit more uptempo. Simon is frustrated with Aaron singing old-fashioned songs in an old-fashioned manner, and tells him he “should have done some research” before his performance. In short? Acting your age you should start, Aaron. C

My poor track record with Katie Stevens is not offering any signs of improvement as she explains to Seacrest she is planning to whittle down her numerous (or five, as it turns out) prom offers by analyzing each suitor’s phone bill and determining who has voted for her the most. The scope of Katie’s delusion clearly reaches past the false notion that teenage boys even bother voting for American Idol. I know she’s “kidding,” but sheesh. How monstrously lame. The other contestants marvel at her persistent spunk. As Katie validates this conception by demonstrating her own “Single Ladies” dance, I begin to channel Lou Grant. “I hate spunk,” I think to myself while this Miss Teen USA talent and interview portion drones on. Color me humbled when Katie’s version of “Let It Be” ends up being not only the best performance she’s ever given, bar none, but truly enjoyable on an objective scale. Can it be? It can, and it is. I have no choice but to just “let it be,” despite my misgivings regarding the intolerable quality of Katie Stevens herself. Her vocals are clear as a bell and (almost) completely without the nasal quality I’ve come to expect from her, and her pitch is secure throughout the performance. I notice immediately the arrangement favors a country vibe Simon has been recommending she adopt for weeks – I can already hear Carrie Underwood and her ilk singing this on the radio. Sure enough, Simon pats himself on the back for his spot-on counsel, but Randy and Kara are mystified, claiming his self-congratulating is unfounded. How could they not hear the country leanings? Methinks Kara and Randy can’t admit Simon was right, but they had no problem admitting Katie can suddenly sing. Kara is “so proud” of her for “blossoming,” and finally showcasing real confidence, and Randy says it’s her “best performance ever,” adding, “That’s why you’re in the top nine!” In spite of everything I’ve ever said, I have to give it to Katie for this one. A-

Andrew Garcia is hoping to capitalize on the momentum he created last week with his successful rendition of Chris Brown’s “Forever.” My initial prediction is favorable but not without trepidation, since the Beatles catalog is so vast there are certainly a number of missteps Andrew could take in the process of choosing a song and accompanying arrangement. Turns out he’s singing “Can’t Buy Me Love,” one of the more straightforward pop tunes from the Fab Four. The choice is a bit anti-climactic for me. I immediately think he’s playing it safe instead of selecting a more ambitious route – the Beatles certainly have written songs just as catchy but with more depth, like “Revolution” – but I think he certainly could have jumped the shark with something weird for the sake of being weird, like “I Am the Walrus.” Beforehand, the Idols protest Simon’s claim Andrew has no personality, by insisting he’s actually the “goofiest” one of the bunch, and the most “likable.” Casey even says he “loves spending time with him,” and Lee, Andrew’s roommate since Hollywood, sings his praises to an impressive degree. As for the performance, it has a squeaky-clean, retro feel reminiscent of American Bandstand or Ed Sullivan-era Beatles. Andrew didn’t change the arrangement of the song very much, which is unlike him, but the bridge (or “breakdown” as Kara calls it, desperately trying to be hip) has a contemporary swagger, breaking up the candid, glossy pop image the rest of the performance presents. His voice sounds just fine, but the backup band drowns out the sound of his guitar – I wouldn’t have known he was playing one if I didn’t actually see it. Simon comments on this, saying the band “overpowered” Andrew and the retro styling caused the performance to be “irrelevant.” Kara cops out with her now fallback critique, “You could have done more with the interpretation,” Ellen jokingly disagrees with the lyrics, saying one actually can buy love, and Randy actually sums up my feelings, calling it “solid” but “corny.” Andrew retorts with, “If that’s corny, then dang! I’m corny!” Dang, I suppose so. B

We catch a brief glimpse of Michael “Big Mike” Lynche on the stage’s balcony, holding on to the railing and thrashing about as though he’s experiencing an earthquake. It’s ridiculous, like most of his cut-to-commercial behavior, and the camera only catches a second or two before the inanity is ceased. The crew must be on to Big Mike – took ‘em long enough. Unsurprising fun fact: Big Mike snores, and it annoys his roommate (sorry, Casey!). Unsurprising not-as-fun fact: several of the Idols refer to Big Mike as a “teddy bear.”  Plain ol’ fun fact: Big Mike and his family used to perform as a group called “The Lynche Mob,” and one of Dad’s signature songs was “Eleanor Rigby.” I breathe a sigh of relief, because this means Tim Urban won’t be mutilating my second-favorite Beatles tune later on this evening. Big Mike says he loves the strings and the story of the song, and I’m excited to hear his (Kara-ism alert) interpretation. The arrangement is soulful and dramatic, and has a sweeping, almost cinematic tone. I love the whole darn thing, but it’s especially exciting when he finally reaches the anticipated chorus. He’s accompanied on stage with an orchestra to do the strings justice, and it’s simply wonderful. It’s the only other performance this season I’ve watched twice in a row besides Siobhan’s “Paint It Black,” and I’m happy to have another chance this season to unapologetically gush. Randy, Ellen and Kara are on my team, with Kara giving the most hilariously colorful comments. My favorite: “I thought that was fire!” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a compliment. Simon plays devil’s advocate, saying it was “over-the-top” and overly reminiscent of a musical. Randy shoots back that there’s a little show called Glee that is bringing back musical theater style to contemporary audiences. Perhaps Simon’s heard of it. I’m such a fan of this performance, I’ll even overlook Big Mike’s idiotic “pecs contest” challenge to Simon in response to his lackluster comments. Groan. A+

I love it when Crystal follows a great performance, because it provides security that the show won’t screech to a halt with unwelcome mediocrity after finally gaining some momentum. As Jedi knight Aaron Kelly might be wont to say, so reliably consistent Crystal is. I fluff my pillow and settle into my seat, prepared for the second home run of the evening. I’m happy to report, concerning song choice, she isn’t quite as predictable this week as she has been known to be. I would have put money on “Hey Jude,” but instead she’s bringing us the amazingness that is “Come Together.” Get this: there’s a didgeridoo on stage. Need I say more? Didgeridoo. It’s almost as fun to type as it is to say. In her sit-down with Seacrest, he gets Crystal to admit she has a bit of a cold. While it’s slightly apparent in her vocals and she seems a bit fatigued for a moment or two, as a whole she isn’t hindered by it at all. The song builds slowly and she still nails the chorus and the pinnacle of the last few measures. The girl can wail. It is written. Simon is glad she’s back to her old self, after expressing fear she’d crossed over to the dark side with her stilettos and lack of guitar last week. Ellen and I are faced with the same conundrum, as she expresses her only problem with Crystal as being forced to come up with a new way to tell her she rocks every week. I agree. What’s good is good, and it’s as simple as that. A thesaurus doesn’t help much in the way of noting empirical greatness. The fellow Idols commend Crystal for always being “true to herself” and not caring what others think – something surely made easier when it’s widely understood  everyone thinks you’re awesome. Ernie, the didgeridoo player, is brought back on stage for accolades and he and Crystal express their obvious working rapport. As Ernie says in the post-performance interview, those two together are certainly “not a digeridon’t.” A

I feel I must be the only person in the world not transfixed by Tim Urban’s productive hair follicles and pearly whites because that’s all the other Idols can come up with when asked to talk about Tim on camera (including the guys), and they’ve actually spent time with the kid. Katie notes how he’s “really happy all the time,” but that just directly relates back to the teeth anomaly and his nonstop smiling. Personally, I think a certain number of neurotransmitters must not be firing if someone smiles all the time, but, again, I’m not a card-carrying member of Tim’s fan club. I’m also not in junior high. I’m holding my breath with dread as we’re about to find out what Tim’s singing this week. Whew! It’s “All My Loving,” and I’m relieved it’s a simple song from the early Beatles inventory in a similar vein to “Can’t Buy Me Love,” which would have been my choice for Tim had Andrew not just performed it. He’s playing the electric guitar this week (!), the song suits him, he’s on key, and you could knock me over with a feather. It’s hands down the least terrible Tim’s been in the entirety of the competition, and I’ll go as far to say if this were my first time witnessing the oddity that is Tim Urban, I’d actually consider him among peers when compared to the other contestants. Between this and the unexpected revelation from Katie, I’m wondering what’s been slipped in the food at Idol camp. Randy is incredibly condescending, saying it “was good for a Tim performance” (I know I’m equally patronizing, but I’m not paid millions of dollars to say these things on national television to the guy’s face), Kara likes it when Tim plays guitar because it’s “more honest,” Ellen says it’s her second favorite Tim performance next to “Hallelujah,” and Simon is pleased with the absence of gimmicks and is proud of Tim for taking the weekly beatings from the judges “like a man.” He still reeks of prepackaged, Monkees-esque unoriginality, but even I like “Daydream Believer.” Not too shabby, Tim. B

I learn Casey James and I have something in common when the other contestants poke fun of his raucous laugh that, according to Siobhan, “cuts through the room.” Like Casey, most people know I’m in the vicinity long before they actually see me. It’s comforting there are other intrinsically, unintentionally loud people out there. Casey’s fellow Idols have also devised nicknames for him that sound like soap opera characters (Trevor, Drake, etc.) due to his dreamboat status. He’s not too fond of another given moniker, “Goldilocks,” but is unable to dispute its relevance. He’s singing John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy,” and is the first contestant to break out of the Beatles mold and do a song from one of the dynamic duo’s solo ventures. At first glance upon Casey’s white tuxedo jacket and particularly coiffed ‘do, I brace myself for possible Huey Lewis-worthy frivolity. Much to my pleasant surprise, the arrangement is smartly minimalist – just Casey, guitar, and cello. Not since Casey impressed me weeks ago with his rendition of Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” have I been so taken with a performance of his. It’s believably emotional, and almost the antithesis to the theatrical melodrama of Big Mike’s triumph earlier this evening. I am equally thrilled with both performances for different reasons – almost as though they are bookends to one another. Casey’s offering is quietly haunting and raw, and unlike anything he’s done so far. He also stretches his vocal range a bit further than usual, per Kara’s recommendation, and the performance as a whole solidifies his status as a real contender for the finals. It’s fantastic. Randy is “really impressed” Casey “set [himself] apart” like this, and Ellen is genuinely moved. Kara thinks he can use this as a stepping stone to continue his progression, and Simon calls it “terrific” and “the best performance of the night.” When Seacrest asks Casey what he was thinking about to elicit such genuine pathos during his performance, Casey coyly replies, “I was thinkin’ about being a jealous guy.” I assure you, Casey, whoever and wherever she is, she’s kicking herself. A+

Okay, with Mike and Casey reaching personal bests and neither Katie nor Tim on the bottom of my list, I’m afraid to admit I’m forming high expectations for my bizarre, beloved Siobhan and her version of “Across The Universe.” The other contestants enthusiastically acknowledge her powerful pipes, while Katie lovingly calls her “amazingly weird,” and others say she’s the most interesting person they’ve ever met. I picture Siobhan as a girl I would have admired from afar in high school or college, but would probably have deemed as too cool to have a dork like me for a friend. Then, also in my fantasy, she would be thinking the exact same thing about me. We’d be dorky, star-crossed friends never destined to actually cross paths. I think she’s that awesome as a person. Anyway, as for the performance, I’m sadly underwhelmed. Again. Sniff. It’s miles ahead of last week’s bewildering disaster and is technically sung well, but just isn’t the Siobhan I’ve grown to adore since Hollywood Week. She’s wearing this perplexing petticoat that is some kind of costume from a Gone With the Wind remake if it were directed by Tim Burton, and just sounds reserved and stiff – very un-Siobhan. The judges politely deem the vocals “controlled,” but are just as confused as I am. It was good, I guess, but not on the level Siobhan needs to be to regain my confidence in her. B

Lee is given the golden opportunity to close the show after his roaring success last week with “Treat Her Like a Lady.” The Idols make fun of Lee for being the resident worrywart and constantly predicting imminent doom for himself regardless of how well he actually does – something else I can relate to. His friendship with Andrew is shown in greater detail, with Crystal hilariously saying she hopes the two get married and have “Danny Gokey babies.” HA! Okay, so I suppose someone had to do “Hey Jude,” and I’m just glad it isn’t Tim. It’s a great song to end the night with, and Lee should still be riding high on his cloud of confidence from last week. From the start of his performance tonight, it’s clear he is. He begins a bit flat but enthusiastic, and manages to pull it together before slobbering a few lyrics and pulling it back together again. I’m genuinely enjoying it, and then – brace yourself – a man in full Scottish regalia playing the bagpipe descends the staircase and joins Lee center stage. What?! It’s weird and hilarious and unexpected and fantastic and magnificently stupid all at the same time. Lee proudly exclaims to the judges it was “100 percent” his idea, tragically under the impression this move is as successful as Crystal’s secret weapon, Ernie the didgeridoo player. Sorry, Lee. Your bagpipe man is no more than hazily reminiscent of a weird dream everyone has had at some point. It does nothing to add to the song and would come across as a bit desperate if Lee hadn’t brought the house down last week or didn’t seem so pleased with himself at the moment. Simon says what I’ve been wondering all night: “I don’t know what you lot have been drinking in the house.” Something’s in the water this week, no doubt. B+

Between the weird and wonderful unexpected instruments and their charismatic players, the weird and wonderful unexpectedly successful performances from contestants I usually wish I could ignore, and the just plain wonderful outings from several reliable suspects, this week’s American Idol performances are helping wash down the bad taste of previous weeks. However, my elation with Tuesday night’s relative sensation was quickly deflated as the inevitable “shocking” results show proved actually shocking on Wednesday night. After newbie Jason Derulo, Idol alum David Archuleta, and nubile hottie Rihanna all took the stage, Seacrest stretched out the results to an excruciating extent before revealing that BIG MIKE received the fewest number of votes. See what happens when Tim Urban doesn’t suck?! Before I can declare a glitch in the matrix or spout theories of an alternate universe, we’re reminded of the coveted, one-per-season judges’ save, which can only be used before the Top Five are decided. Big Mike sings “for his life” as Seacrest overdramatically puts it, and chooses “This Woman’s Work,” the Maxwell ditty that won everyone over a few weeks ago, as his potential swan song. Unanimously, the judges save him, but this means TWO Idols will head home next week, and neither will have the opportunity to be saved. I shamefully admit I’m genuinely enthralled, but the cynic in me can’t help but note the alarming coincidence that Dancing With the Stars beat Idol in the ratings last week. I can only hope the resurrection of Big Mike doesn’t pave the way for a bigger travesty in the long run. How can you not tune in next week? I know I am. Did I mention Adam Lambert is the guest mentor? ‘Nuff said.

For another take on these episodes, read Livening Things Up a Bit by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 28 & 29: Top 9 Performance and Top 9 Results (originally aired April 6 & 7, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker and IMDbPro.