FRIDAY, 23rd

PARTY DOWN: Now that Megan Mullally joins the cast, the party can really get started! Season premiere. (10pm/Starz)

SATURDAY, 24th

RATATOUILLE: It’s been 3 years since this film came out – have you figured out how to pronounce the title yet? (8pm/ABC Family)

What We Never Watched (and What We Did)

INTRODUCTION

Often, they are as predictable as they are omnipresent. Whether they are shoe-horned into an Emmy broadcast or stretched into some sort of hour-long special all their own, the edited retrospectives created to sum up the history of television usually all feature the same few well-worn clips: Lucy at the candy factory, Ralph Kramden in his minimalist apartment, George Burns saying “Good night, Gracie,” and the Beatles on “Ed Sullivan” tossed in for good measure, if only to appease the Boomers.

But as entertaining (and durable) as these clips are, as far as being an accurate history–a truthful representation–of TV during the medium’s first couple of decades, they are wholly inaccurate, bordering on mythology.

I discovered this innocently enough. As I have a long-standing interest in the fictional images of women on television, I was interested in determining how many working women (women working outside the home) were present on “early” television and if their numbers were on par with real-life women during that same time period. Looking first at the randomly picked year of 1955, while I discovered an ample number of working women in such series as “Meet Millie,” “Private Secretary,” “Big Town,” and “Our Miss Brooks,” what I also discovered was the relative paucity of both sitcoms and dramas during that formative year of the TV medium. In fact, of the 127 programs scheduled over network TV in 1955, only 21 were sitcoms, 17 were dramas, and three others were Westerns. Hence, that leaves 89 programs that fall into some other category/genre.

Previous years were equally eye-opening. In 1950, of 145 shows (mostly half-hours, spread over four networks; the now defunct Dumont network then being in business) on the air, only seven (yes, seven) were sitcoms, 13 were dramas and 2 more were Westerns.

In fact, it wasn’t until the 1960s that sitcoms and dramas became the majority genres of the medium and even then often just barely.

This, of course, begs the question: if sitcoms and dramas—what we have always considered the basic building blocks (if not the raise d’art) of primetime TV– weren’t that prevalent during the early days of broadcasting, then exactly what were the networks airing and, quid pro quo, what was America actually watching?

I decided to conduct some primary research. Like innumerable other TV researchers, I turned to Tim Brooks’s and Earle Marsh’s bible of television history “The Complete Directory to Prime-Time Network and Cable TV Shows.” One of this tome’s handy appendices is a series of grids laying out each network’s fall primetime line-ups. Following those, I decided to exam the first twenty years of full network broadcasting (1950 to 1969), breaking down each of the networks’s schedules into the following general genres: Sitcoms, Dramas, Westerns; Anthologies; Comedy/Variety (from “Jackie Gleason Show” to “Ed Sullivan”); Music (from “Dinah Shore” to “Perry Como”) ; and Quiz/Panel (the “I’ve Got a Secret,” the “What’s My Line?”).

Quickly, surprisingly, however, I soon discovered that huge numbers of programs on the air in the 1950s and ‘60s didn’t fall into any of these genres at all. In order to accommodate news-related programs like “Person to Person,” such diverse talkers as “Faye Emerson” and Bishop Fulton Sheen on the religious-themed “Life is Worth Living,” resilient, omnipresent Disneyana, sports programming (once an inexpensive primetime filler), and such programs as “This Is Your Life,” I had to establish another category: “Other.” And, as I was soon to learn, during these two early decades, on TV, Other was everywhere. In fact, in 1951, 1952, and 1953, there was more “Other” on the air than there were sitcoms, serialized dramas and Westerns, a phenomenon one would hardly suspect from the contents of so many modern day “looks back.”

Actually, the high-volume of “Other” on the air makes a sort of economic sense for the time. In the early fifties, not only was everyone (the networks, the public) still deciding what TV could and would be but also if it could make any money. And all this “Other” was, by and large, an inexpensive way to fill up the primetime hours. Talk shows, sports, even mini-documentaries required no need for elaborate sets or large casts, not even a weekly purse of prize money. NBC’s recent, disastrous attempt to strip Jay Leno five nights a week in primetime harkened back to this formula of maximum programming for minimal (or, at least, lower) cost.

Unfortunately, since then, someone (the culture at large?) has paid a price for all this early economy. Precious few of this “Other” programming (regardless if they were interesting, popular or good) has any stake in our collective memory, and hence that’s why they are seldom missed in even the most elaborate retrospectives on broadcasting history. In fact many of these programs seem, today, aggressively obscure: “The Marshall Plan in Action”? “Old Fashioned Meeting”? “Georgetown University Forum”? “Keep Posted”? “Hour of Decision”? Huh?

BROADWAY COMES HOME

But even after including “Other,” this still doesn’t tell the full story of TV at the time. During TV’s formative years of 1950 through 1955, there were just about more of everything else on the air BUT sitcoms, dramas and Westerns. Not only were these genres dwarfed by “Other” they were also all outpaced by early anthology programs.

Now completely absent from the airwaves, anthologies were TV’s “theatres of the air.” They were the weekly, self-contained playlets, offering up completely different stories and casts week after week, telling (or re-telling) stories either original to the medium (like Serling’s legendary “Requiem for a Heavyweight”) or adapted from a famous book, play or film. Sometimes they were united only by a common theme (like the suspenseful “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” or the newspaper-focused “The Big Story”) or a familiar host (like Loretta Young or Robert Montgomery, who would sometimes take a leading role in that week’s installment). In 1950, there were 30 regularly scheduled anthologies on the air, more than any other genre. They remained strong in subsequent years: 28 were on the air in 1951; 24 in 1952; 28 in 1953; and 24 again in 1954. In 1955, there were 29 on the air making it that season’s most dominate genre. They were dominant the following Fall as well; 25 of that season’s 120 programs were anthology programs.

In retrospect, it’s rather surprising that anthologies were so dominate for so long. Surely these series, compared to so many of the shows in the “Other” category, were not the most cost-efficient programs to produce, what with having to hire all new actors, build all new sets, and acquire or design new costumes every week. Moreover, sitcoms and serialized dramas were already established, successful genres on radio, ones which could (and often were) easily carried over to the small screen. Regardless, for whatever reason, when television came around, anthologies took precedence.

One theory for anthologies’s emergence on the tube has been set forth by broadcasting scholar Mary Ann Watson. She proposes that the emphasis on anthologies was a way to heighten TV’s cultural reputation, and, hence, sell more TV sets to higher-income folk. Certainly, at that time, TV did have a highly de classe reputation, one built on its reoccurring images of Uncle Miltie in drag and the kings and queens of the roller derby. Anthologies, in comparison, had the veneer of a classy Broadway opening, the legitimate theatre coming right into your living room. And certainly many of TV’s early anthologies did have noble, lofty aspirations. As most TV production at that time was New York-based, all four networks delved deeply into the Broadway theatre scene, bringing to the small screen a wide assortment of young stage-trained actors, writers, and directors.

It’s arguable whether this inventive sales pitch worked or not. While TV purchases did increase throughout the 1950s, over all economic strata, was this the result of an attitudinal change regarding TV’s product or just a natural occurrence, spurned on by such wide-spread, across-the-board hits as “I Love Lucy”?

In any event, for such a once populace show type it’s amazing that so few of TV’s most classic anthologies are remembered at all today. “Fireside Theatre,” “Philco TV Playhouse,” “Kraft Television Theatre,” “Soap Box Theatre,” “Studio One,” “Armstrong Circle Theatre,” “Lux Video Theatre,” “Tales of Tomorrow,” and “Feature Playhouse,” among others, are now completely forgotten. Only Rod Serling’s timeless “Twilight Zone” still today has any real resonance in popular culture.

A POPULARITY CONTEST

Not only were anthologies once omnipresent in their sheer numbers, they were usually very highly rated as well, often higher than many of the sitcoms, dramas and Westerns we today consider classic. According to Nielsen, in the 1950-1951 season, TV’s second and third most watched programs that year were anthologies. “Fireside Theater” and “Philco TV Playhouse” outpaced everything else on the air that year except for the Milton Berle showcase “Texaco Star Theater.” Two other Comedy/Variety programs, “Your Show of Shows” and “The Colgate Comedy Hour,” rounded out the top five. One had to read all the way down to slot number seven, to “The Lone Ranger,” to find the first serialized program to rate in the top ten.

Sitcoms only began to be a true presence the following year when “I Love Lucy” debuted and clocked in at number three for the season, preceded by “Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts” (the “American Idol” of its day) and, once again, Uncle Miltie. “Lucy” was pretty much alone though; no other sitcom or serialized drama was among that year’s ten most-watched programs; “The Lone Ranger” seemingly haven ridden off into the ratings sunset by then.

The top ten for subsequent seasons are equally devoid of sitcoms and dramas. In the 1952-1953 and the 1953-1954 seasons, only “Lucy” and the drama “Dragnet” cracked the top ten. In 1954-1955 and then again in 1955-1956, there were only three serialized series in the top ten when “Lucy” and “Dragnet” were joined by the Desilu-produced sitcom “December Bride.”

But the rise of these shows in that season, and, soon, other serialized programs, marked a sea change for primetime TV. After 1954, TV’s level of Other would no longer be dominant. Their number went from 25 on the air in 1954 to 16 the following season, a considerable drop from 35 only a few years before.

Anthologies incurred an even swifter decline. Though they were a dominate 25 anthologies in 1956, subsequent years saw drops to 18 (in 1957), 16 (in 1958), 14 (in 1959) and 12 (in 1960). By 1965, no network had a single anthology on their airwaves. The decline and fall of the anthologies can, probably, be explained a couple of ways: either enough TV sets had been sold by that time for the networks to begin to emphasis other programming or, more probably, networks recognized the trend of audiences’s growing preference for both serialized dramas and comedies and quickly followed suit (that is, the numbers and the money).

HAPPY TRAILS

This is not to say however that in the absence of Other and anthologies, standard sitcoms and dramas began to make up the difference in the primetime line-up. Actually, just as Other and Anthologies began to wane, TV offered up another now nearly-dead genre: the TV Western. For well over a decade, TV was absolutely awash in sagebrush and populated with all types of white-hatted and black-hatted frontiersmen in series like “The Adventures of Jim Bowie,” “Black Saddle,” “Yancy Derringer,” “Bat Masterson,” “Cheyenne,” “Sugarfoot,” “Tombstone Territory,” “Riverboat,” “Rawhide,” “The Texan,” “Johnny Ringo,” “Laramie,” “The Rough Riders,” and on and on.

Though Westerns on TV, like Westerns on the big screen, had always been presence on the air, whether in “kiddie” formats like the aforementioned “Lone Ranger” or “Hopalong Cassidy,” or in “adult” forms, like “Gunsmoke,” their number grew exponentially in the late 1950s. There were seven Westerns on the air in 1956 and 15 by 1957. But 1958 and 1959 were the pivotal years. By then there were more Westerns on the air than any other genre of program (Other and Anthologies included). Twenty-one out of 119 shows in 1958 were Westerns; in 1959, 28 out of 119 shows on the air were Westerns.

Ratings-wise as well, not surprisingly, Westerns dominated. Though in 1956-1957 only one Western (“Gunsmoke”) figured in the top ten shows, everything changed the following season when five of America’s most favorite shows were all Westerns (“Gunsmoke,” “Tales of Wells Fargo,” “Have Gun, Will Travel,” “The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp,” and “The Restless Gun”). Things were even more shoot ‘em up in the 1958-1959 season, when seven of the top ten shows of the year were Westerns. (All of the shows listed above–minus “Restless Gun”—were still around and were joined by “Wagon Train,” “Maverick” and “The Rifleman.”) Even the top-rated sitcom of that year had a Western feel to it; “The Real McCoys” was a rural-based comedy telling the story of some West Virginians who moved to California.

The heyday of the Western was as heady as the anthologies were in their time. Though they would never again be the dominate genre after 1959, there were still 20 on the air in 1960 and 15 in 1961. Well into the late 1960s–perhaps as an anecdote to real life troubled times—Westerns were still around. There were 13 on the air in 1965; 10 in 1966; 14 in 1967; and 10 again in 1968.

Despite the Western’s endurance, by the dawn of the 1960s, TV began to look more like it does today–or at least as it usually does in video retrospectives. Throughout the decade traditional sitcoms and traditional dramas began to, season to season, trade back and forth the title of most dominate genre. Lucy, in her various incarnations, continued to have a foothold in the ratings and, later, “The Beverly Hillbillies,” “Perry Mason,” “Dr. Kildare,” “Donna Reed,” “Dick Van Dyke” and innumerable others became modern-day, highly- rated classics.

While a few of the old guard still remained—variety’s “Ed Sullivan” and “Red Skelton” and the quiz/panel “I’ve Got a Secret”—their numbers steadily diminished year to year. Interestingly, the only genre that could continue to compete with sitcoms and dramas in terms of numbers on the air, were, once again, the all-important Other. Though by this time Other consisted not of talk shows and the like but of movies of the week, more Disney fodder, and new fangled hybrids like “Candid Camera.” There were 15 Other in 1960; there were still 12 by 1969.

The presence of “Candid Camera” is significant in understanding the enduring qualities and importance of Other on American broadcasting. This series, a ratings success and relatively inexpensive to produce, like “Faye Emerson” and its ilk in the early 1950s, prefigures a generation of “Reality TV” which now populates all TV channels and are able to be produced for a fraction of what one hour of “Desperate Housewives” or “Law & Order” costs.

Though it seems unfathomable that someday, perhaps fifty years from now, a video montage would attempt to sum up TV in the 2000s and not include such hugely popular, instantly iconic series as “American Idol” and “Survivor,” such caprice or distortion of a particular TV epoch is, as we’ve seen, not without precedence. As reality series, much like their “Arthur Godfrey” forbearers, seldom get rebroadcast (though “Idol” has had some limited success in this area and post-broadcast DVD sales could alter our collective remembrance), it wouldn’t be surprising to see even reality’s biggest hits, possibly, fade from memory, gone as quickly as the names of some of these show’s winners.

As also noted, even initial high ratings don’t guarantee any true cultural traction. Certainly they didn’t for either “Fireside Theater” or “December Bride.” In fact, even today, ratings seem to have little to do with it; “The Hills,” “Gossip Girl” and the new “90210” dominate the gossip columns and magazine covers while such series as “NCIS,” “CSI: NY,” and “Cold Case” rake up millions more viewers week after week.

It history holds true, future TV viewers will have no better idea of what was on and popular in 2010 than most audiences have of those same things from fifty years ago. And even in high-definition, that would be a fuzzy picture indeed.

Death at a Funeral Review: A Story Held Together With Laughs

It hasn’t even been three years since the release of director Frank Oz’s British comedy Death at a Funeral, but that doesn’t seem to stop Hollywood from taking the original film and adapting it into an American version. Directed by Neil LaBute, the 2010 adaptation captures the essence of a dysfunctional family coming together for a funeral. Told through multiple characters, Death at a Funeral, uses comedy and its outrageous plot to convey the story. Though it is filled with laughs throughout, Death at a Funeral suffers from overall pacing issues and plot deliverance.

The plot of the film revolves around Aaron (Chris Rock), as he struggles to arrange the funeral of his father at home. Dealing with a grieving mother (Loretta Devine), his good for nothing brother Ryan (Martin Lawrence), his cousin’s (Zoe Saldana) accidentally drugged boyfriend (James Marsden), and his father’s blackmailing dwarf male lover (Peter Dinklage), Aaron must find a way to get through the funeral while delivering an eulogy befitting of his father. With one outrageous moment following the next, the movie flows through its comedy.

However, as the movie progresses the problem with Death at a Funeral flowing through its comedy becomes apparent. Sitting in the theater, I couldn’t help but ask myself what the point of the movie was and where it was going. Yes it is about a dysfunctional family trying to get through a funeral, but where is the intrigue, the reason for me to want to watch more? The plot truly began to weaken when it tried to advance the story. The movie ended up becoming a giant comedic setup for the second half of the movie.

The comedy in Death at a Funeral delivers. I can’t say it any clearer than that. I found myself laughing throughout and the last half of the movie was nonstop comedy. I could recall at least three different times in the theater where the laughter of the crowd drowned out the movie for a good minute. James Marsden’s performance as Oscar, the white-drugged boyfriend, easily stole the show. I honestly entertained the idea that he possibly was tripped up on acid while performing his role. Peter Dinklage reprises his role from the original as the father’s lover. The best part of Dinklage’s performance was the way he carried himself throughout. He was creepy, mysterious, and hilarious all at the same time. If you do go to watch this, I highly recommend not eating during the bathroom scene involving Tracy Morgan and Danny Glover. I shall not say more than that. Death at a Funeral’s comedy is gross, random, hilarious, and brilliant throughout and part of it is due to the cast.

Many people might look at the cast and get the image that the film is a black comedy.  Honestly, it isn’t. The film caters to all crowds, as the personal problems are relatable to all ethnicity. The cast, including many big name stars such as Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Tracy Morgan, Zoe Saladana, Peter Dinklage, and Columbus Short, deliver a memorable experience, but nothing ground breaking.

Death at a Funeral leaves you wishing more from its plot, but delivers a great comedic experience. The cast works well off of each other as LaBute does not waste the talent given to him. In the end the conversation I had with my friend Mona as we left the theater said it best. “That was a stupid movie,” she said. “Yea, I guess it was, but it sure as hell was funny.”

Photos by Phil Bray – © 2010 Columbia TriStar Marketing Group, Inc

Kick-Ass Review: Gratuitous, Ridiculous, Anarchic, Repulsive…And A Hell of a Lot of Fun

You can like it or revile it, find it delightful or sickly horrifying, that’s for sure. But what you can’t do is argue that—in a movie-going climate saturated by superheroes and comic book film sagas—Kick-Ass is not an original piece of entertainment. From beginning to end, it’s over-the-top, gratuitous, profane, zany, and thoroughly outrageous—and it knows it. Independently financed by director Matthew Vaughn and released by Lionsgate—quickly establishing itself as the studio that will release what all other studios won’t—Kick-Ass has carte blanche and it milks that status for all that it’s worth.

Based on the comic book by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr., Kick-Ass tells the satirical tale of high schooler Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson), an average teen who decides to become a superhero after he and his friend are mugged while a bystander watches and does nothing. Besides working as a commentary on apathy, this sequence works as the perfect setup for the story. Dave purchases a ridiculous scuba suit and goes out on the prowl, even though he has no superpowers or fighting skills of any kind. In other words, he’s doomed to fail. And he does. He gets beaten, stabbed, and hit by a car—driven by the same apathetic bystander.

The benefit of his hospitalization: nerve damage makes him more immune to pain. So Dave goes out for round two, and this time, he gets the job done. Taking on three men in a gang fight, his actions are recorded on someone’s cell phone camera. And in another enjoyable commentary on the absurdity of the digital age, Dave—as the crime-fighter Kick-Ass becomes an internet sensation. He sets up a MySpace account so that the citizenry can contact Kick-Ass and ask him for help.

With his newly-cemented superhero status, Dave is eager to help his dream girl, who has admitted to him that she is being harassed by a drug dealer. He dons his cape and cowl—er, ah, scuba suit—and investigates the situation first hand. He ends up in an evil layer full of baddies out to destroy him. In the nick of time (ain’t that always the way?), Dave gets rescued by Hit-Girl, another costumed youngling who wields a double-bladed staff.

The movie may be called Kick-Ass, but Hit-Girl—and Chloe Moretz, the young actress who plays her—is unquestionably the highlight of the movie. When Luc Besson made Leon (a.k.a. The Professional in the U.S.), in the mid-nineties, there was a fair amount of controversy surrounding Natalie Portman‘s young would-be killer Mathilda. Hit-Girl–how she talks and how she fights–makes Mathilda look like Barbie. Hit-Girl has been trained by her father, alias Big Daddy—a former cop who was framed and imprisoned and lost his pregnant wife. The culprit? Frank D’Amico (Mark Strong, who also plays villains in Sherlock Holmes and Ridley Scott’s upcoming take on Robin Hood), head honcho of a local crime syndicate.

Big Daddy is played by Nicolas Cage in an example of perfect casting. Cage, a comic nut in real life, brings his inimitable, looney personality to an inimitable, looney role. At times he seems to channel both Adam West and Elvis. Cage often receives a lot of flak from critics and moviegoers alike (a lot of it undeserved), but trust me, he’s perfect here. With this and Bad Lieutenant, this is a really strong time for him right now.

When Kick-Ass, Hit Girl and Big Daddy realize that they’re after the same guy, they team up to take him down. The other main character in the movie is D’Amico’s son Chris (Christopher Mintz-Plasse), who assumes a costumed persona of his own and proceeds to gum up the works.

The action is plentiful and uniformly ridiculous. Every moment you would expect to be over-the-top absolutely is, and then some. Anyone who has seen any of Vaughn’s movies knows that he has been unmistakably influenced by postmodern, hyperstylized, showy filmmakers like Tarantino and Guy Ritchie—neither of which I particularly enjoy (I know, so stone me already). But it all worked for me here, because the premise is so ridiculous, frankly I don’t think you could have made this movie any other way than they way in which they did.

It’s a canny concoction of glossy mayhem, odd poignancy, incredible vulgarity and electric pulp. It’s exactly the kind of thing all but guaranteed to make the majority of my generation dance with glee. Kick-Ass is basically a textbook example of how to make a pop culture phenomenon. I don’t know if the movie will actually achieve that status and keep it for any real length of time, but I admired the effort. Cage and Moretz really nailed it for me. In some ways I wish the movie had only been about them. But overall it works, and Kick-Ass certainly stands to be maybe the wildest movie experience offered this year. I’m holding out for Inception and The Expendables though.

Merlin: The Return of Morgana

If you’ll recall, last season there seemed to be four primary characters: Merlin, Arthur, Gwen, and Morgana.

We’ve gotten plenty with Merlin, Arthur and Gwen, but where has Morgana been this season? So far, she’s been nothing more than an extra lurking in the background and cheering at jousting games. It’s only taken until the third episode of the season for her to have more than just one line!

Since last season, Morgana has been suffering from “nightmares” that seem to eerily predict the future. Only this time, things get a little out of hand.

During a particularly stormy night, Morgana, in her sleep, lights up a candle that’s by her bedside to warm her up since she’s clearly shivering. Gwen enters her bed chambers to bring more blankets only to find the lighted candle. Gwen blows the candle out and moves it over to a table near the windows. Gwen leaves, a loud clap of thunder startles Morgana and she bolts up and uncontrollably causes the candle to light up again. It doesn’t just light up, though – the flames shoot up into the air causing the drapes to catch fire.

The morning after the fire, King Uther uses his extensive knowledge to figure out the origins of the flame. Finding no reasonable answer, he declares it was caused by magic and that someone must be trying to attack Morgana.

Morgana goes to visit Gaius who is still trying to convince her that these nightmares mean nothing, although he knows better. Morgana finally begins to realize she might just be carrying magical powers. Merlin feels a lot of sympathy for her – he knows what it’s like to be alienated because of magic. He suggests to Morgana that she go see the druids: magicians living peacefully in the forests outside of Camelot. They can provide her with the answers she wants.

Of course, Merlin’s suggestion goes against what the Dragon advised. The dragon tells Merlin that, “it would be better if the witch never knew the true extent of her powers.” The dragon always has some sort of ominous foreboding to report about; not very fun company to have.

After Morgana’s disappearance, Uther believes she’s been kidnapped. He threatens to execute all suspected witches & sorcerers in 24 hours if Morgana is not returned to him. This episode really reemphasized how much of a cruel dictator Uther is when it comes to magic. He looks for no other possibilities and will automatically assume the worst, taking innocent lives if need be.

Merlin panics after hearing of Uther’s plans and runs off into the woods to find Morgana and bring her back. Problem is, Morgana is well and happy with the druids – including Mordred! She knows for a fact she’s magical and the elder druid even calmed her thoughts by explaining that magic can be a force for good, contrary to what Uther preaches. Morgana tells Merlin she does not want to return to Camelot.

Arthur and his men arrive at the druid camp after following a trail (accidentally) left by Merlin. They kill the elder druid who had been helping Morgana escape, but fail to capture Mordred whose powerful screams can apparently knock people off their feet quite literally! Morgana surrenders herself to Arthur and returns to Camelot (while they are still under the impression that she was kidnapped). No one knows the truth of what really happened and what is really going on except for Morgana and Merlin.

During some lighter moments in the episode, Arthur gets the impression that Merlin must have some “affectionate” feelings for Morgana because of how often he’s been visiting her (…and the flowers probably didn’t help, either). Merlin laughingly denies the claims, but Arthur teasingly tells him: “You can’t hide anything from me, Merlin.” Ohhhhh, the irony!

Season 2, Episode 3: The Nightmare Begins (aired April 16, 2010)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Fridays at 10/9c on Syfy

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and SyFy.

Project Runway: The Broken Road to Bryant Park

Just when you thought it was safe to get excited about Project Runway’s finale at Bryant Park, if indeed that was what you were intending to do, there is some unfinished business to take care of…

As you may recall there are four contestants strutting down the road to fashion week. The problem is only three will make it there. While Emilio and Seth Aaron are guaranteed to show their work, Mila and Jay Nicholas have to fight for the last spot.

Tim comes out to set the designers off on making their collection. The designers have $9,000 and four months to create 10 designs to be shown at fashion week. For Mila and Jay there is an additional challenge; they must choose three looks from their collection that will be judged head to head. The best designer wins a place at fashion week. Both Mila and Jay are unconcerned about this event. While both are aware of the potential heartbreak of not making it to the end, they are assured of the integrity of their designs. As are Seth Aaron, who thinks that he can win Bryant Park, and Emilio who spews arrogance about his worthiness once again.

The designers pack up and head back to their hometowns. Three months later; it’s four weeks until Bryant Park and Tim comes out to check on the designers’ progress.

The first designer is Seth Aaron in the state of Washington. From the first glance, Tim is astounded by the sheer quantity of his collection. Seth Aaron has created 15 pieces for his collection. His plan is to take 20 outfits to Bryant Park, and from those choose the 10 pieces that will be shown. Seth Aaron’s look is heavily black and white. While Tim finds the looks all beautiful and cohesive, he cautions Seth that his collection is NOT going to win. It is classic Seth Aaron, and while that is good it is also not surprising to the judges. Tim tells Seth to start over (ouch), re-conceptualize the whole collection (double ouch), and present the judges with a new and unexpected Seth Aaron.

Next up is Emilio in New York. Emilio describes to Tim how he was inspired by color; he then proceeds to parade a variety of choir robes for Tim’s consideration. Colorful choir robes. Emilio tells Tim that he was inspired by the 40s. In Emilio’s own words, Tim is speechless. He doesn’t see that this may not be a good thing, as the look of abject horror on Tim’s face may be too subtle for Emilio who is already assured of his own greatness. When Tim finally does speak he warns Emilio that his looks might get lost on the runway, where the judges will be viewing them from. He also warns Emilio that there is an absence of sophistication, and that the clothes look old. Emilio takes this just as you thought he would, based on past criticism. He argues with Tim, tells Tim he’s a good designer and the judges know this. He seems to think that no matter how bad his designs his previous designs will spare him the judges’ criticisms. Tim leaves Emilio with a few encouraging words, and it doesn’t really matter what he said, Emilio wouldn’t have listened anyway. Let’s hope this is his tragic flaw.

The next designer Tim visits is Mila in California. Mila tells Tim that she is not focused on just creating three looks; rather she is focused on a strong collection. From there she will choose her favorite pieces. Mila was inspired by the shadows, she explains, and as such her looks are mostly black and white, although with a few spots of color. Tim thinks that Mila’s pieces are beautiful, but tells her that they are also conservative and matronly. For the most part Tim seems very pleased. Also, of note, everything at Mila’s is black and white: her outfit, her house, her dog (Dalmatian). Everything is strictly black and white. I’m going to leave my theories alone, but that’s interesting.

Also in California, Tim meets up with Jay. Jay tells Tim that he was inspired by the Japanese Samurai as well as the Geisha. And while his pieces are beautiful they seem to lack direction. Tim asks Jay where his model would be going and Jay doesn’t know. While Tim loves Jay’s pieces, he thinks that they are too gimmick-y. There is this gorgeous jacket with complicated sleeves that Tim uses as a prime example. Too much detail can overwhelm the design. Tim cautions Jay to tone his looks down.

Four weeks later, the designers meet up in New York again for fashion week. Much to their surprise, Mila and Jay will show their collections on that very same day. They are sent to the design space and given their models; the designers frantically put their pieces together.

On the Runway are Michael, Nina and Heidi.

In their three pieces Mila’s lack of color drowns me out, and the only thing that I can say about Jay’s looks is that they are “okay.”

Mila: Heidi likes the pieces and wants to wear them all. Michael says they are too retro though constructed well. Nina is not surprised by the looks and thinks Mila has a limited point of view.

Jay: Heidi likes that Jay played more with volume in his design though doesn’t find the looks cohesive. Michael sees that a lot of work was put into the design. Nina finds it innovative with many great pieces, but cautions him to edit down.

The final question is, whose collection are the judges curious about?

It turns out, they are curious about Mila’s collection and she is sent to fashion week while Jay is sent home. Bye Jay.

Next week, a winner is chosen, special guest judge FAITH HILL!!!

Season 7, Episode 13: Finale Part 1 (originally aired April 15, 2010)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro.

Bones: “This Is Fun…Except For The Murder.”

After last week’s pivotal and emotionally wrenching 100^th episode, it’s back to business as (almost) usual on Bones. Two teenage girls are exploring….each other…in a bale of hay when a raccoon feasting on a maggoty skull flies in and smacks one of them in the face. Ooh baby, that’s a freakin’ mood killer if I ever heard of one. Our favorite—though by now, somewhat dysfunctional—super-scientist/super-agent team is called into the town to investigate. A rather large coincidence: the town is where Brennan grew up and went to high school, and it happens to be the week of her high school reunion.

Brennan finds more remains and quickly determines that the victim was killed in a manner consistent with a spooky legend that dates back to when Brennan was in high school: “The Butcher of Burtonsville High.” And, like the master of social interaction she is, Brennan immediately goes about alienating the local law enforcement, specifically Deputy Conway, a woman she went to school with. Conway doesn’t immediately remember Brennan, but instead goes about putting the moves on Booth (at least somebody is). Brennan praises her for losing weight—because it’s “better for your cardiovascular system”—and points out that Conway’s weight was probably the source of the vast social “derision” she received in high school. “Oh I remember you now: the creepy girl.” Booth mostly succeeds in hiding a small smile, but you can tell he’s enjoying this a little bit. He is, after all, entitled; getting rejected by the woman you love (even though she loves you too and is just too afraid to confront that) should earn you some free bitterness.

What’s really nice about this episode though is the balance that Boreanaz finds in portraying Booth’s emotional state. I was afraid this episode would either harp too much on the events of last week or not mention them at all. But Boreanaz takes care of it perfectly. There are several moments where you see his disappointment, but Booth never comes off as sullen or trying too hard to pretend that he wasn’t affected by Brennan pouring cold water over his heart. Boreanaz is quite funny in several scenes, especially during a videoconference with Sweets in which he cavalierly (and with no small trace of annoyance) explains that staying in a hotel with Brennan won’t be an issue and that he has completely moved on and already has a date lined up.

Emily Deschanel is equally hysterical in a whole slew of scenes. Sweets recommends that Booth and Brennan will get better results if they hide their FBI status and pretend to be just a married couple attending Brennan’s high school reunion. Putting Brennan into her high school reunion sets up the ultimate venue to showcase how impossibly socially handicapped Brennan is. Seriously, could there be any other situation that Brennan is less trained for? She’s the ultimate fish out of water, and the results are pretty awesome to watch.

Booth encourages Brennan to attend the reunion because, besides the whole we-gotta-solve-the-murder-thing, this is the perfect chance for her to make up for having not been popular by showing off how beautiful and successful she became. Unfortunately, he doesn’t explain this concept to her as if he were talking to a third-grader. You’re supposed to rub your success in subtly, so that no one can accuse you of doing it deliberately. Brennan doesn’t understand this, and just ends up digging herself into deeper and deeper graves. Booth tries to help her out, but he ain’t a miracle worker. The episode isn’t mean-spirited though; Brennan is mostly unaffected by her failures to connect with her former classmates because she’s just so clueless about the nature of human interactions.

All of the highlights you’d hope would come from this scenario happen; you get to see Booth make fun of Brennan’s yearbook photo (she’s the only one not smiling), and revel in the fact that she was a complete high school misfit. “You’re Wednesday Adams…I’ll bet you had a pet rat too!” he exclaims. “No, I had a mouse, and a snake and some spiders.” “Wow and you weren’t popular? Now that’s amazing.” In fact, Brennan’s only friend in high school was the creepy janitor who used to find dead animals for her to dissect and talk about the philosophy of death with her. This janitor—who loves knives–is played by Robert Englund, the original Freddy Krueger, and all of the tongue-in-cheek references you’d expect are made. What’s most funny and oddly sweet about his character is how affectionate Brennan is toward him. Even when he’s grinning like a maniac and talking about death and holding a lethal blade, she can’t understand why Booth finds him alarming.

All of the murder stuff is satisfying, and Angela gets to do a couple of extra-nifty simulation things and shows them to Brennan via videoconference. I loves Bones episodes where Booth and Brennan are away working a case and all of their correspondence with the Jeffersonian has to be through conferences. I like having that separation between our principals and the lab. The physical gap somehow makes Booth and Bones seem like they are existing together in a more intimate, private world, and that’s how it should be.

Initially, when I realized that the B storyline was going to be Wendell finding out that Angela thought she was pregnant and didn’t tell him, I feared the worst. But surprisingly, the Angela stuff didn’t irritate me this week. The subplot was handled well, didn’t dawdle, and Michaela Conlin succeeded in making Angela appear human and not annoying at the same time—a rare feat. And of the revolving interns, Wendell has always been the one I liked the most, and I’m glad that he isn’t going to be Angela’s plaything anymore.

Even Cam came off well this week, with a couple of great lines, telling Bones that “It’s always a tad creepy when you admire the killer’s handiwork,” and realizing after watching Wendell and Hodgins bicker over who had the coolest lab discovery that she “runs a kindergarten.”

The other highlight: seeing Booth and Brennan on the dance floor. Brennan asks Booth to a slow dance and he resists, guarded after being so vulnerable last week. But when he sees how much it means to her—to get to dance at the prom she never went to—he relents. And when you can clearly see how intense Brennan’s feelings are for Booth, you almost want to slap her for being too emotionally controlled to take the risk and fight for what she wants. What she and Booth both want. But unlike some fans that are so ready to run Brennan over with a truck for warding off Booth, I understand why she did and why she is the way that she is. When your parents abandon you and disappear when you’re fifteen and you go from bad foster family to bad foster family, it’s pretty reasonable that twenty years later you’d still be dealing with serious abandonment issues.

She told Booth that she doesn’t have an open heart like he does, that he should be protected from her…but the truth is that she’s afraid that he won’t always feel the way that he does about her, and that he’ll abandon her just like her parents did. We caught a glimpse of this in the season premiere. She probably figures she has a better chance of keeping Booth in her life as his friend and partner than she would as his love.

Overall I’m pretty pleased with this season so far. There have been a couple of crappy episodes, but by and large things have been much better than they were in season four, and Booth and Brennan are seriously progressing in their relationship.

Season 5, Episode 17: The Death of the Queen Bee (originally aired April 15, 2010)

For more on Bones, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

American Idol: A Top Nine Do-over

My patience was wearing thin on performance night, but not only for the reasons you think. I kept checking the clock to see how much time I had until the next Glee episode. I’d already worn out my Roku with my repeat viewing of The Road to Sectionals, and I swear it was pure torture having to wait.

I was almost as nervous about Elvis night as I was about last week, though eager to see how Adam Lambert would fare as a mentor. Elvis is such an iconic musician with such a legacy that no one really wants to mess it up or hear it jacked up. There are nerves to consider, a huge and high bar and greater expectations. Add the fact that last week’s save means that two contestants were going home this week. That’s a tough combination to tackle. Let’s get down to whether we should have pre-stamped some of these performances “Return to Sender.”

TOP 9
9. Siobhan – “Suspicious Minds” - Siobhan confounds me. I always start with one thought in my head with her and end on a different one. That’s a good thing in a way because I’m always thinking with her, but usually the final impression is worse than the first one. Randy and Ellen liked it though I could only discern that they liked her “second voice.” Kara was confused that she even had two completely different voices. Simon called it erratic and screechy. And all she could say was that she can’t label herself because she’s many things and just likes to sing. Well, I can’t invest in an artist who is United States of Siobhan every other week.

8. Aaron - “Blue Suede Shoes” – The minute I heard that he was performing the song I was disappointed. Once again, he couldn’t pick something further away from representing who he is a person, plus it’s more bluesy than his normal country vibe. Then, ten seconds into the package, he admitted that it was probably wrong for him in every way, and didn’t articulate why he chose to go for it anyway. I didn’t enjoy a second of it, and for the first time, I really heard a ton of pitch issues and mumbling. Kara thought it felt more current, but Simon agreed with me that it did the exact opposite.

7. Andrew – “Hound Dog” – During rehearsals, Adam gave Andrew the advice to stop being boring and really change things and take a risk. At first listen, his rehearsal did improve, but all that progress was lost in translation because by the time he reached the big stage, it was a mess of cheese and off-interpretation. Though Ellen seemed to genuinely enjoy it, the rest of the judge were completely lost but didn’t seem to have anything constructive to say to him. So basically they’ve given up, as have I.

6. Tim – “Can’t Help Falling In Love” – Tim has fostered this inner battle between despising him for taking a potential Alex Lambert spot and loving him for his dimples and actually growing in an otherwise pretty stagnant Idol season. It helped that he picked one of my favorite songs ever written, but then he put in a good performance with some nice guitar playing.

5. Katie – “Baby, What You Want Me To Do” – I can’t say that Katie picked a song that displayed the kind of artist she wants to be or her youthful side, but she did pick something that showcased her pipes and her sassy side. And sometimes I just want Idol to be what it is, a singing competition. Sure, it seemed laborious and borderline bothersome, but she sang it well. The judges thought she sounded great, but Simon thought it was loud and annoying.

4. Casey “Lawdy Miss Clawdy” Casey, once again, picked the perfect song that fit his blues, rock mold. Elvis would be his clutch week. I thought he sang out more than ever and really performed for us both vocally, with his guitar and with the intriguing arrangement. I did agree with Kara and Randy that he didn’t show us anything different since this genre wasn’t such a stretch for him, but I didn’t think it was so sub par to merit Simon’s “wasted opportunity” comment, but none of the judges could deny that he sang it well.

3. Mike – “In The Ghetto” – Thankfully Siobhan did something right this week, and that was suggesting Mike’s song. He, cleverly, chose something without bells and whistles to prove that he has the vocal power to make it far. And he does. Not to the end, but far. Taking away some of his cocky attitude and hammy performances, he allowed people who weren’t Big Mike fans to take him seriously. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to get a standing O from your mentor, who wooed more than 50 percent of the same audience.

2. Crystal – “Saved” – I’ll be shocked when I witness a Crystal performance that I don’t enjoy. Plus, by choosing an up-tempo number, we saw her let loose and show more personality. I was glad to see Kara finally use her songwriting knowledge and congratulate Crystal on switching up the arrangement in a smart way. It’s about time.

1. Lee – “A Little Less Conversation” – There’s no question that Lee has that kind of growly voice that can mesh well in blues, rock, country and pop songs. I love that I never know exactly how his songs will sound because he always puts such an original touch on it. Kara felt he really went for it vocally for the first time, and Simon thought he was spot on. Adam also told him to smile more, and he’s super cute when he smiles, so thanks!

WRAP UP
Overall as a mentor, Adam gave great critiques. He was poised, intelligent, and could sweep most of the judges under the rug. I was never an Adam-music lover during his season, but I liked him as a person, and to see him nail the contestants so well and give them great critiques proved how much he’s grown as a musician. Too bad most of the contestants didn’t take some of his astute advice.

The ridiculousness was cut out, at least on the part of the contestants. No odd ukulele player popping out at odd times. But Ryan was even crazier than ever! First was the off-putting comment about Brian Dunkleman which was both completely random and kind of mean. Then, he ignored Tim‘s performance, opting to ballroom dance with some rando instead. And when he was talking to Adam, he actually utter the words “my tongue isn’t nearly as talented as yours.”

But madness aside, the performances were nothing to tweet about, but at least almost everyone stayed relatively in tune and kept the energy high. At this point, I’m not asking for much more.

IDOLS RETURN
I, again, was impressed with Adam and his rendition of “Whataya Want From Me” the following night. Only he would have the balls to bring clouds of smoke and a laser light show to the Idol stage and still manage to seem earnest and humble after the fact. How cute was it when he said he owed everything to Idol?

It’s too bad Brooke White didn’t fare as well. She actually sounded better than I remember, but a dreary version of the Elvis song “If I Can Dream” and an even duller partner really hurt her. I wished she’d had the opportunity to do something solo, instead of having to shepherd ex-model turned ex-Miley Cyrus BF turned If I Can Dream’s Justin Gaston. He was so nervous you could see the quivers. Apparently, you can force cross-promotion on others besides just us viewers.

CURTAIN CALL
In the end, it was Andrew and Katie’s turn to go. It didn’t come as any surprise, though I do feel that Katie had shown some growth last week. Andrew, on the other hand, had only produced one song that I really enjoyed in “Forever” and had pretty much let his early fans down so it was, no question, his time. Still, that doesn’t mean my heart didn’t ache a bit at the thought of Lee losing his bosom buddy or having to watch Katie suffer through “Let It Be” as she tried to fight back the tears. Farewell! Just remember that winning doesn’t always equal success and losers can nab Grammy nods and win Oscars.

PARTING SHOT
“That was a horny song…a lot of horns in it!” – Ellen

For another take on this week’s episodes, check out Two More Idols Have Left The Building by Erin Biglow.

Season 9, Episodes 30 & 31: Top 9 Performance, Part 2 and Top 9 Results: 2 Contestants Eliminated (originally aired April 13 & 14, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company, Michael Becker and IMDbPro.

American Idol: Two More Idols Have Left The Building

Tuesday night’s edition of American Idol seemed to be a challenge for everyone involved, as all nine contestants from last week unexpectedly remained in the competition due to the last-minute implementation of the Judges’ Save (don’t blow it, Big Mike!). The performances needed to be squeezed into a ninety-minute segment instead of the two hours of comfort room we’ve been subjected to throughout the duration of the live shows thus far. With an extra contestant included – we’re to assume the producers had originally expected eight this week – every aspect of the production seemed erratic and rushed. The judges were allotted literally a sentence each for one harried critique, and Seacrest was downright kooky from the get-go—gruesome details regarding the latter are forthcoming. The Idols, save for predictable dexterity from Crystal and one or two other bright spots, seemed uninspired, exhausted and, frankly, a little bored. More likely, sadly, is the possibility they were really just boring. Considering the hope for possible redemption the preceding two weeks had offered, to admit this potential has been left unfulfilled is a hard pill to swallow. After what seems like the inevitable peak of Season Nine, Tuesday night reminded us all why this group is no doubt going down in Idol history as the most lackluster yet. Of course, once the inexorable finale between arguable shoo-in Crystal and her could-be-anyone opponent is upon us, I may be happily forced to eat my words. In theory, this week should have followed the path to success carved by last week’s victorious theme of Lennon/McCartney songs and Usher’s adept mentorship the week before that. Now, dear readers, begins my analysis into the plethora of reasons why it didn’t.

After Seacrest slurs and staggers his way through reminding us of Big Mike’s close call (the reward apparently is to take Katie’s front and center placement in the contestant parade), we learn the Idols will be “drawing inspiration from one of music’s biggest icons,” in this case Elvis Presley. Uh oh. Elvis themes have never been established as particularly successful in previous seasons, and I immediately develop a sinking feeling there’s going to be an abundance of karaoke in this karaoke contest tonight. It’s been proven difficult to un-cheese the already cheesy, and the required utilization of Elvis songs certainly won’t aid this dilemma. Via informational montage, we learn Elvis has sold a billion records worldwide (!), making him the most successful solo artist in popular music history – whoa. In turn, the Idols are treated to a V.I.P. getaway to Las Vegas to help set the mood. How Method. I would have assumed they’d be whisked away to Graceland, but the glitzy façade of smarmy Vegas will certainly suit an Elvis theme just fine. No sooner do the curtains close on Cirque du Soleil’s Viva Elvis show does the contestants’ mentor arrive. Thank the heavens! In walks last season’s runner-up, the glamtastic, uberfabulous Adam Lambert in all his glittery glory, the current reigning champion of glitzy façades. Things are looking up.

Adam explains how he loves Elvis because “he’s a showman” who possessed all the required characteristics of a successful performer and recording artist, such as charisma, stage presence, a distinctive voice and iconic songs. Okay. It’s also noted that Adam is the first former Idol contestant asked to mentor, and he acknowledges the opportunity with self-effacing gratitude and humility. Too bad Seacrest, sitting next to Adam in the audience, ruins the moment by attempting to sing a line from Adam’s latest single and then shrugging off the already-embarrassing moment by saying, “my tongue isn’t as talented as yours.” Good lord, Seacrest.

With my palm already slapped against my forehead, finding out that Crystal is going first only exacerbates my incredulity at tonight’s conspicuous tomfoolery. If Crystal goes first, then the majority of what little we have to look forward to will be behind us within the first ten minutes of the episode. Sigh. It’s going to be a long night. Crystal is singing “Saved,” a bluesy, lesser-known ditty from the Elvis canon, and Adam is rightfully mesmerized. The only real advice he gives is for Crystal to use an electric guitar to liven things up a bit. Other than that, all he has to offer is applause. The song is a cheeky tale of redemption told with a slight gospel flair, and it’s the most energetic Crystal’s sounded in weeks. She also offers more physicality and rapport with the audience than she has in the past, and the result is a resounding success. Of course it’s great, but it’s particularly great for Crystal, and I’m particularly pleased for her. Randy calls Crystal “the second coming of Bonnie Raitt,” and Ellen, officially at a loss for words, asks the audience if it’s anyone’s birthday. Kara and I are seeing eye to eye, as she notes that Crystal’s personality was more accessible than usual, and the uptempo beat was a wise choice. Simon likes that she “didn’t choose an obvious song” and, sounding exceptionally British, that she “put her own ‘slahnt’ on it.” Too bad it’s probably all going downhill from here. A+

When Seacrest asks, “What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?” I’m sure he meant to pose the question rhetorically. Nevertheless, I’ll answer it: Very little. Andrew’s first mistake was choosing to sing the colossally clichéd “Hound Dog.” His second, and most crucial, was to slow the tempo, giving it a strange, almost lulling effect. Adam tactfully says Andrew “left [him] wanting more,” and recommended he add “punch” to the arrangement. While Andrew seems to be singing with a bit more conviction, the song itself is simply too sluggish and contains zero “punch” whatsoever. Dragging the microphone stand back and forth across the stage doesn’t help. It’s really too bad, especially considering “Hound Dog” is known for its rousing effect. Whose idea was it to slow it down? This is one song where the upbeat rhythm is essential – without it, the entire performance deflates. Randy, Kara and Simon all agree, calling it varying degrees of “lazy” and “not good karaoke.” Ellen says Andrew needed “more swagger,” but then inexplicably declares she “liked it a whole lot.” Sometimes Ellen seems a bit more out of her element than others. Tonight, apparently, isn’t a good night for her, or for Andrew. C-

Seacrest’s quickening departure from reality (or sobriety, as the case may be) is more evident in his statement, “Find out which Elvis track Tim’s doing!” before the break. He clearly doesn’t remember Adam telling us it’s “Can’t Help Falling In Love,” perhaps because he was focused on other things, like people’s tongues. Ew. He then introduces Tim Urban as “Turban,” as though this is what we’ve been calling him all season. His weird behavior is made all the weirder as we see his mom in the audience. Dude, your mom’s here?! Get it together! She’s adorable, though, and looks understandably perplexed when Seacrest says, “How depressed is she to have me as a son?” Um, what? As for Turban, Adam recommends he use his “head voice,” which is a friendly reminder to not sing through his nose. He also presents the idea of singing the final line of the song in falsetto, an alarming prospect considering the disaster of “Apologize,” Turban’s last attempt at such a high register. Although I need to take a breath before typing this, I have to say it truly turns out to be possibly his best performance. He sounds controlled, polished, believable and heartfelt. He also wisely nixes the falsetto, and my eardrums are forever grateful. Am I now a Turbanite? Of course not, but I can’t be so gleefully harsh on the kid as I’d like, because, like last week, he simply didn’t suck. His delivery is a bit choppy (“Can’t. Help. Falling. In. Love. With. You.” ), but overall? I almost bought it. Almost. I feel as though the judges, despite their best efforts, are inadvertently using a special judging mechanism for Tim – I’m afraid I might be, too. This was a great Tim performance, but merely an acceptable performance in the grand scheme of things, nothing more. Kara and Simon unnecessarily slobber all over it, while Randy keeps things restrained, saying, “I actually liked it.” Ellen compares her feelings for Tim to shots of tequila, which means she likes him more the longer he sticks around. I’m siding more with the bewildered Randy: I think I might have actually kind of liked this. B+

While reminding us to vote for our favorite contestants, Seacrest continues his descent into madness by accosting an elderly woman in the audience. Noting the possibility of one’s favorite going home if one doesn’t vote, he shakes the poor lady by her shoulders, shouting “THAT WOULD SUCK!” directly in her face. Her expression is that of someone stuck in a windstorm. The scene is truly horrifying, but, like a car accident, impossible not to gawk at.

Lee’s up next, and Adam notes with glorious-yet-diplomatic bitchery that, while performing, Lee has “nothing going on” in terms of facial expression. He accessorizes this statement with flourishing hand gestures framing his face, and Lee has no choice but to haplessly agree. His revelatory idea for a remedy? “I need to sing as if I’m really saying it,” Lee lamely offers, and Adam nods with more judicious restraint than I’d ever be able to muster. Bravo. Lee’s singing “A Little Less Conversation,” surely one of the most thinly veiled sexual innuendos of its time, and notorious killer of Idol hope. Chris Daughtry was shockingly voted off after deftly singing this song in Season Five, and I’d love to forget JPL’s infamous rendition in Season Three. Luckily for Lee, his performance is more closely related to the former (let’s just hope he survives the vote), and his own triumphant rendition of “Treat Her Like A Lady” two weeks ago that put him on the map of potential finalists. Unlike “Hey Jude” from last week, Lee’s voice has more control and enunciation, avoiding the sloppy phrases that can sometimes plague his otherwise good performances. Finally, he also showcases more emotion in his demeanor via newfound facial expressions – thanks, Adam. It’s my second favorite offering of Lee’s, and the judges are fans as well, with Simon saying it was “on the money, full stop.” Kara likes the “intensity [she’s] never seen from [Lee] before” and says Lee “really went for it” vocally. Ellen thinks Lee made the song contemporary, saying it “sounded like a new song” she heard for the first time. I agree with Randy (the content of his statements, not the structure) when he notes that Lee is “definitely in the zone.” A

Young Aaron Kelly knows he’s made a misstep by choosing to sing the hopelessly old-fashioned “Blue Suede Shoes.” Of all the Elvis songs, this one is probably the most impossible to update, and Aaron’s biggest problem throughout this competition has been his tendency to perform as though he’s thirty years older than he really is. Adam tries to help Aaron make the song snazzier, telling him to be “more aggressive” with his vocals and to “Grab it! Grab it!” when he hits a good tone. Nice try, Adam, but despite Aaron’s technical ability to sing well in an objective sense, he presents himself as the most out of touch 16-year-old on the planet. “Blue Suede Shoes?” Really? I’d have almost preferred “Viva Las Vegas,” for crying out loud. His awkward attempt to gyrate his hips only magnify the pallid manner of the performance, and I fear Aaron could be in real jeopardy, especially given the double elimination this week. Randy thinks the second half was better than the first, thus validating his statement “It was halfa halfa for me.” (Halfa halfa? I couldn’t make that up if I tried), while Simon laments Aaron’s uncanny ability to make himself as irrelevant as possible to the current climate of the music industry. Ellen is the funniest, asking Aaron “Did you pick that song?” When he says yes, she offers a befuddled, halfhearted “Oh. Okay,” quickly adding that she thinks he “just didn’t get all the way there.” That’s about the nicest way to put it. Yawn. C

The highly anticipated meeting of Siobhan and Adam Lambert (highly anticipated by me, anyway) is now upon us, but beforehand we learn Siobhan is a bona fide Elvis fan. Huh. She even talks about a report she wrote on the King in sixth grade, and declares the main reason behind her respect for him is his “rags to riches” background. Siobhan and Adam exchange pleasantries and declarations of mutual admiration before tackling Siobhan’s arrangement of “Suspicious Minds.” Adam immediately tells her to speed it up and “keep it rhythmic,” which, considering last week’s snooze-inducing “Across The Universe,” sounds like pretty good advice. Unfortunately, after the first couple of measures it’s clear that if this is the sped up version, I’d be asleep already if she’d kept the original tempo. I’ve never attempted to disguise my propensity to root for Siobhan (quite the opposite, really), but I’m getting just plain frustrated with her. Where’s the Siobhan who blew me away with “Wicked Game,” “House of the Rising Sun” and “Paint It Black,” the latter of which is on my iPod (yeah, I said it)? As David Byrne might say, this is not my beautiful house. Mercifully, the second half picks up and she belts out a glory note or two that are mildly evocative of the Siobhan of yore, but I find myself sadly reminiscing the weeks where I thought she really was the female reincarnation of Adam. Kara bemoans the dual existence of Siobhan’s voices, the “crazy screaming thing” being her favorite of the two. Simon mourns the loss of what made Siobhan Siobhan, saying he isn’t sure who she is anymore. Ellen simply says she liked the second half better (well, duh), and Randy outdoes his worst moments of Cro-Magnon vernacular, literally saying he liked “the thing with the whole kinda thing,” garnishing his eloquence with non-communicative hand gestures. God. Siobhan defends herself, saying that she’s always taken pride in having a multitude of identities, and doesn’t find it “necessary to be labeled” if she can’t label herself. Good point. B

Meanwhile, Seacrest continues his whirlwind of destruction, making a distasteful Dunkleman joke (like that guy needs to be made fun of) and spastically informing the audience about next week’s leviathan of self-congratulation disguised as philanthropy, Idol Gives Back, sponsored by Exxon Mobil. The preceding sentence sums up almost everything wrong with America without directly addressing any specific problem. How about that?

Speaking of leviathans, Big Mike is up next, and he has arguably the biggest shoes to fill tonight after technically being voted off last week. With two Idols being sent packing on Wednesday as a corollary, it’d be awfully anti-climactic if he didn’t manage to make the save worth his while. Personally, I’m glad he’s stuck around, but I will certainly start to harbor resentment if Casey, Lee, Siobhan or, God forbid, Crystal get the ouster as a result of the judges’ decision to keep Big Mike. This week he’s toning down the theatrics and singing “In The Ghetto,” a Siobhan-approved song he hadn’t heard until she recommended it. Despite his desire to provide a more subtle approach to his performance, Adam (being the duly noted theatrics expert he is) tells Mike to “bring [his] actor out” to help aid the storytelling of the song’s lyrics. Can’t there be a happy medium? Evidently, there can. Mike calmly sits on the edge of the stage, accompanied only by his acoustic guitar and lovely voice, and tells a compelling story through the music. There’s no frenetic movements, no bombastic histrionics, just an instrument, a voice and a story. Simple as that. I have a feeling Big Mike fans will vote for him in droves, but the judges are apparently told to wrap it up, and they only get about three seconds each to comment. Randy: “Hot vocals. Hot! HOT!” Ellen: “I’m glad we saved you.” Kara: “It was a beautiful song and you sung it well.” Simon: “A million, billion times better than last week, and one of my favorite performances from you. Congratulations.” Indeed. A

There’s nothing like Katie Stevens and her hopelessly lame “Grrr!” face to make me look less forward to an upcoming Idol performance. If I could only retrieve my eyeballs from the back of my head, I’d be able to watch it. Tonight, in spite of her relatively triumphant, well-received version of “Let It Be” last week, she feels the need to vocally mouth off to the judges. She’s apparently using her choice to sing “Baby What Do You Want Me To Do” as a way to therapeutically release some of the stress the competition has given her. Adam is all over it, telling her to “get throaty!” and be assertive, and Katie certainly follows the advice. I already know before it starts that there’s going to be a cavalcade of every pout, prance, sneer, smirk, and set of raised eyebrows I’ve detested since Katie Stevens entered my life during Hollywood Week. I understand what she’s trying to do, but her efforts are in vain as she accomplishes nothing more than securing a spot on a future Real Housewives installment, circa 2025. Randy chuckles and panders to her never-ending pageant-ready persona, saying, “Katie’s getting a little sassy!” Ellen also cops out, saying it’s a “horny song,” then pretends to cover her tracks, claiming to have referred to the multiple brass instruments accompanying Katie’s performance (“There were a lot of horns! HORNS!”). Kara gives it two snaps up, and Simon calls it “loud and annoying.” I’ll take this time to mention there is a sign in the audience tonight shown twice so far that reads, “Simon’s not mean, he’s truthful.” C+

With his unbelievable rendition of John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy” last week, Casey has deservingly been given the coveted last spot. He’s singing “Lawdy Miss Clawdy,” (which Seacrest pronounces “Loudy Miss Cloudy,” as though he just inhaled a huge bong rip) and during rehearsal Adam recommends he find a way to incorporate a discernible dynamic arc, giving the song a more dramatic climax. Casey says he was worried about the same thing, and seems to be pleasantly surprised by Adam’s constructive comments. Just prior to the performance, Seacrest starts to outdo himself, even for tonight’s foray into the Twilight Zone, as he squeals (squeals!) to a dumbfounded tween in the audience, “Get ready for the very sexy Casey James!!” complete with shoulder shake and his nose about a centimeter from hers. Seriously, what is his major malfunction? As for Casey, it’s a solid arrangement and he sounds, well, good, but it doesn’t seem worthy to close the show. There isn’t anything particularly thrilling about it, despite the impressively intricate guitar work, and, overall, comes across as a bit muted. I’m surprised Casey’s phoned it in this week, given the momentum from his Lennon success. Simon is also disappointed, saying Casey displayed a “wasted opportunity,” given the theme and his placement in the show. Kara went a bit further, saying it “fell short of the brilliance [he’s] capable of.” Ellen’s not worried about Casey, though, reminding us he’s “always good.” Duly noted. B

During Wednesday night’s double elimination, the tension at Idol headquarters (as a thankfully lucid Seacrest refers to the studio) is palpable. Andrew is heavily favored to be one of the doomed duo, and is humanely informed of the unsurprising, yet still sad, news early on in the show. He clearly prepared himself and handles his exit with remarkable aplomb, although his best buddy Lee appears rather devastated. Sniff. The results show still has another fifty minutes to kill, so we’re shown a sanctimonious clip of Kara and Season Five contestant Elliot Yamin taking a field trip to Africa (Idol Gives Back in t-minus one week) to help curb the spread of malaria. Since I’m having zero emotional response to this shameless spectacle, I begin to wonder if I’m made of stone – that is, until a wee child throws his arms around Kara’s neck and she tears up, realizing she can’t take him home. Okay, that got me a little. I’m human, after all. After that, a horrendous duet between lovely Brooke White and some Z-list nobody who once dated Miley Cyrus and cannot sing (Justin Gaston is his name) takes place. They tackle the King’s “If I Can Dream” and I doubt anyone is paying any attention. As for me? Zzzzz. I perk up once Glambert himself rips the stage apart with his single “Whataya Want From Me,” which I definitely like better live than on the radio. There’s smoke, lasers, screaming, tongue and glitter galore and it’s plain to see that absolutely no one this season comes close to matching Adam with innate stage presence and charisma. I would wear Katy Perry’s “Adam Lambert” cape if I could get my hands on it, so fantastic he is. Sigh. So who’s getting the second boot? We already know Casey (whew!) and Aaron (uh oh!) are safe, so Seacrest brings Crystal, Siobhan, Lee, Big Mike, Tim and Katie to center stage. The final two left are Katie and Big Mike, and Seacrest tells us one wasn’t even in the bottom three. Sneaky! Turns out Big Mike was worth saving in the eyes of the voters, and Katie Stevens is officially off my TV.

Until next week, readers, where we’ll be presented with a truly fantastic mentor (Alicia Keys!) and a truly stupefying theme (“Inspirational” songs, gag). After all, this is American Idol.

For another take on these episodes, read A Top Nine Do-over by Inisia Lewis.

Season 9, Episodes 30 & 31: Top 9 Performance, Part 2 and Top 9 Results: 2 Contestants Eliminated (originally aired April 13 & 14, 2010)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro.

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