RuPaul’s Drag Race: Golden Girls

Last time, the girls were best-selling authors (not!), and Jessica Wild went home.

We begin this week with the five remaining contestants lamenting Jessica Wild’s departure.  Except Tatianna (and, to a lesser extent, Jujubee).  Raven goes on the offense, berating Tatianna about her confidence level.  Tatianna says she could give two shits what they think.  Good for her.

After our She-Mail, RuPaul walks in looking ever more ridiculous as a man.  He has on a red and white sailor shirt with a blue conductor’s cap.  It’s foolishness.  The mini-challenge is for each of the contestants to match a picture of a contestant in drag to a baby picture.  Except for dear Mystique.  It seems her house burned down, and she lost all of her photos of herself.  Because of that, RuPaul put a picture of her face on a baby.  Ri-donk-u-lous.  The contestant who got the most right in the shortest amount of time was to be the winner.  In this case, it was . . . Tatianna!  Take that, Raven!!

The main challenge is perhaps the greatest idea in the history of drag queen reality shows.   Into the work room walk five old, gay men.  I know!  You never see an old, gay man on television.  It’s like old gays don’t exist anymore once you turn 40.  It’s like they all live in an alternate reality, like sideways world if Smokey gets off the island.

Anyway, the main challenge is that each contestant will take one of the old men and turn him into her drag mama.  I LOVE IT!  Tatianna, as the winner of the mini challenge gets to choose her drag mama first, as well as assign a silver daddy to the others.  RuPaul is expecting to see a family resemblance.

I could describe each one of the oldster gays, but they are all sorts of non-ready-for-tv.  Juju gets the fat one.  Tyra gets the ex-ballroom dancer.  Raven gets the one with the full beard.

These old men are a hilarious mess.  Tatianna’s drag mom is very dramatic and has a limp, like one leg is longer than the other.  Raven’s drag mom has five different earrings in his bellybutton.  Pandora Boxx’s drag mom hits on her.  Jujubee’s drag mom keeps wanting to wear a flat wig to make her fat face look thinner.

There’s a sweetness to some of these pairings, too.  Raven, in particular, seems to speak sweetly about appreciating the older generation of gay people who didn’t have the freedom of today’s crop of gays.

The contestants have all come up with names for their drag mamas:

• Jujubee has “Contessa Touche”
• Raven has “Golda Lamé”
• Tyra Sanchez has “Big Tyra”
• Tatianna has “Annalisha”
• Pandora Boxx has “Litter Boxx”

In the work room, RuPaul informs us that our judges this week will be the President of Nyx Cosmetics, Toni Ko, Cloris Leachman, and Debbie Reynolds.  Gays of all ages rejoice at the mention of Cloris Leachman or Debbie Reynolds, so this is most excellent.  We also learn that each mama-daughter combo will have to do a drag performance to the best song on RuPaul’s last album, “Main Event.”  There is much bitching and moaning from the contestants with that news.

Watching these performances come together is hilarity.  Whether it’s Jujubee’s mom sitting around in heels singing “Main Event” with her headphones on or whether it’s Tyra’s mom switching up the choreography constantly, I can’t get enough.  Oh, and Raven’s drag mom has bad eyes and can’t see, so there is the distinct possibility that she’ll fall off the stage.

Let’s jump to the main stage.  Wait – I need to mention that Pandora Boxx’s drag mama, Litter Boxx, showed up to get her make-up done in a stars and stripes bikini.  No words.  Also, Tatianna didn’t know who Harvey Milk was.  Girl, rent the movie!!

Ok, to the Main Stage.  Ru has outdone herself this week.  Her dress looks like a couture gown made from purple feathers, and her wig defies gravity.  Bring on the mother-daughter pairs!

Raven and Golda Lamé – I’ll give it to Raven (whom we all know I dislike), she did a great job with her mama.  Golda looks like an old drag queen who was probably fierce back in the day, even if she’s left her better days behind her!  Golda even has fake lip piercings to match Raven’s.  There’s something slightly sad to this, though, as dear Golda looks incredibly frail.  It’s only reinforced, too, during the musical performance when Raven literally carries Golda from the stage because there was uncertainty that she’d be able to walk all the way back.

Pandora Boxx and Litter Boxx – These two really do look like a mother-daughter duo.  They both have on tacky red and black sequin numbers, and both are a hot mess.  They are trying to look like showgirls of yesterday and today, which is clever.  Their performance of “Main Event” is fine, even if Pandora almost knocks her drag mama down during an ill-advised dance move.

Jujubee and Contessa Touche – First, Jujubee has never looked better.  Second, I can’t imagine her drag mother looking worse.  Contessa has on a black and white short wig (to look thin, remember).  It looks like someone dropped a bucket of bleach on Zac Efron’s hair.  It’s AWFUL.  And Contessa’s outfit looks like sequined Hefty bags.  The performance is terrible, too, because Contessa doesn’t know the words and doesn’t move around.  Poor Jujubee; looks like she’ll be lip synching for her life tonight.

Tatianna and Annalisha – I quote Miss Tati, “My drag momma does have a limp, but she’s pushing through it.”  Love.  It.  Actually, they look really cute together, too.  Not 100% sure about Annalisha’s makeup (or name, for that matter), but the connection between the two is clear.  The performance of “Main Event” is THE BEST!  Annalisha starts out in a wheelchair.  YES, A WHEELCHAIR!  She gets run down the stage at one point, then jumps up out to do her part.  Greatness.

Tyra Sanchez and Big Tyra – Oh, yes, ma’am.  Tyra and Big Tyra come out in matching gowns.  They also have on matching Afros.  Yes, Afros.  Tyra’s is black and Big Tyra’s is blonde.  I love it to death.  Big Tyra’s makeup is not great, but the rest more than compensates.  Their music number is equally delightful.  As Big Tyra is a former ballroom dancer, they worked up these little quick-step dances that are great!  Debbie Reynolds is particularly impressed.

During the judging, the girls stand while their moms sit in chairs.  Tee hee.  During judging, everyone gets really good feedback . . . except Jujubee, but we knew that.  Raven is this week’s winner . . . again.  I think her sappy speech about gay rights pioneers pushed her over the top.   I think it was planned.  The real question is who will join Jujubee in the bottom two.

I’m shocked to report that it’s Pandora Boxx.  The judges say that her mother showed her up.  This is like Sophie’s Choice for elimination.  Jujubee and Pandora have to lip synch to “Shake Your Love” by Debbi Gibson.  First of all, what the hell is with that song choice?  During the number, it’s clear to me that Jujubee is this week’s survivor.  And I’m right.

Shante, Jujubee stays.  Pandora Boxx must sashay away.

Sooooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.  Her brand of campy, funny drag never really resonated with the judges.  I just don’t understand why.  I hope Logo gives her a sitcom or at least puts her on the Big Gay Sketch Show.

Season 2, Episode 8: Golden Gals (originally aired March 29, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of Logo Online and Mathu Anderson.