The Amazing Race: Lesson not learned

Welcome to my review of The Amazing Race 16, Episode 9, in which I will spend a good portion of my time ridiculing and name-calling Bitchy & Snobby, our all-female couple from L.A. who got their asses happily handed to them by a pageant contestant and her model boyfriend, for the sole reason that they failed to acknowledge that being a model or pageant contestant doesn’t mean that you have to accept being talked down to on a constant basis.

We open still in Penang, the northern gateway to Malaysia, which looks like an amazing city.  But we must soon leave for Singapore, where the teams will search for Allan Wu, the host of The Amazing Race Asia.  (Don’t ever say I didn’t do anything for you.  You certainly can’t say it now.  Definitely not now.)

All teams learned that there is a U-Turn on this leg, which Bitchy & Snobby seem wholly unconcerned with.  (Heee!)  The teams board buses to Kuala Lumpur, with Jet & Cord on the first bus out, Bitchy & Snobby on the second, and then Dan & Jordan, Louie & Michael, and Brent & Caite on the third.  With the last three teams together, they chat.  Dan & Jordan interview that they aren’t out to jeopardize anyone else, unless they really stand to gain from doing so.  They learn on the bus ride that Louie & Michael and Brent & Caite plan on U-Turning Bitchy & Snobby if they get a chance.  Jordan notes, not incorrectly, that the excuse that Louie & Michael give for wanting to U-turn Bitchy & Snobby, that they are a threat, isn’t entirely sincere.  Jordan makes the point that they have never come in first.

At one point in this conversation, Caite says “I’m one hundred percent U-Turning the lesbians if we get there first.” Jordan asks “because they’re lesbians?”, picking up on the same tone I’ve noticed whenever Caite says lesbian.  But Caite says no, she intends to U-Turn Bitchy & Snobby because they have been rude to her.  Dan & Jordan interview that Caite & Brent and Michael & Louie are trying to pretend their intended U-Turn isn’t personal, but it’s clear to them that it is.  Um, I don’t see how Caite is pretending it’s anything but personal, so I’m not sure what ambiguity Jordan is picking up on here.

Once in Kuala Lumpur, all teams board the same train to Singapore.  It’s a sleeper car out, and Bitchy notes that it doesn’t smell very good.  Jordan uses one of his disinfectant wipes to remove a really gross amount of dirt. Louie wonders what happens if you fart.  Perhaps that’s the smell Bitchy was referring to?

When the train arrives, the teams line up to leave their car.  Bitchy & Snobby try to cut their way past the teams because. . .. . .they aren’t moving?  Yeah, I have no idea why Bitchy & Snobby thought they would be able to just cut in front of the other teams who are lined up. Brent says “Ladies get their way, bitches don’t.”  So, what do women get, Brent? In other words, shut up.

During the sprint outside of the train station, Caite takes a spill, and Jet & Cord lag behind everyone else catching a taxi.  Dan & Jordan find the lovely Allan Wu first, and discover the Fast Forward, which, if taken, allows them to only have to do one task before going to the Pit Stop.  They take it, knowing at this point only that they have to go to the Singapore Flyer, a 541-foot Ferris Wheel of sorts.  Louie & Michael then find find Allan Wu, followed by Cord & Jet, whose cab arrives while Bitchy & Snobby and Brent & Caite are still searching for Allan.  Allan hands them their Detour clue, which is Pounding Drums or Pounding Pavement.

In Pounding Drums, teams must learn a drum sequence well enough to perform it.  In Pounding Pavement, the teams have to set up an ice cream cart in Singapore, and then sell 25 ice cream sandwiches.  All teams pick Pounding Drums, with Brent & Caite stating that they hope they can get out of the Detour faster than the lesbians.  Again, she says “lesbian” in a way that sounds as though she’s just so happy that she can use a derogatory term to describe Bitchy & Snobby without being called on it.  It really bugs me, because the only right not-their-names way to refer to Brandy & Carol is Bitchy & Snobby.  So Caite?  Shut Up.  Again.

Caite uses her natural sense of rhythm to pick up on the drum sequence.  Meanwhile, Louie & Michael realize fairly quickly that they have no sense of rhythm, and decide to go for the Fast Forward, figuring that Dan & Jordan went for the other detour.  Of course, once they get there, they realize that the Fast Forward is in progress, and so they have to Pound Pavement.  It is the stronger detour choice for these two, because while their detective schtick can grate, they can be quite amiable when they want to be.  They sell their sandwiches with little difficulty.

Meanwhile, Dan & Jordan realize that their Fast Forward doesn’t just require them to take a ride on the Singapore Flyer.  Instead, they have to ride to the top in one of the ferris wheel’s cars, get out of the car, and crawl to the next car in the open air, 541 feet off the ground.  At this point, Jordan mentions his fear of heights.  I get queasy in glass-enclosed elevators, so I am really feeling Jordan on this one.  He gets through it though, noticeably shaking the whole time.  But apparently fear of heights is not strictly genetic, and Dan follows him with admirable ease.  The teams make it to the pit stop, and are rewarded motorbikes.  But Dan says they will never use them and Jordan says that their mother would kill them. I find this oddly endearing.

Back at the Detour, we learn that Cord & Jet and Bitchy & Snobby are, like Louie & Michael before them, rhythmically challenged, leaving Brent & Caite to leapfrog right over them and head to the next clue.  Caite looks like she’s going to pee her pants, so excited at the prospect of U-Turning Bitchy & Snobby.  The U-Turning takes place at Istana Park, where Caite specifically cites Bitchy & Snobby’s meanness towards them as the reason for the U-Turn.  Now, look, I’m not a big fan of the personal U-Turn.  It would have made slightly more sense to U-turn either Louie & Michael, who they had good reason to believe were in last place, due to their switching detours, or Jet & Cord, on the theory that they should remove their biggest competition.  And indeed, later, Bitchy & Snobby say that they should not have been eliminated because you should only eliminate people who have had first-place finishes.  But that doesn’t make total sense to me here either, because while Jet & Cord have gotten first a few times, they’ve also gotten last, and coming in first isn’t necessarily an indicator of being a strong team (See: Steve & Allie).  Additionally, Louie & Michael have an alliance with Brent & Caite.  More importantly, Louie & Michael are waaaay more likely to underestimate Brent & Caite in a way that could be beneficial later (i.e., they are going to take Brent & Caite’s slowness for granted).  This only leaves U-turning Dan & Jordan, whom they should figure are ahead of them.

This is all just a roundabout way of saying that there wasn’t really a smart detour choice here.  Which makes a detour based on purely personal reasons entirely understandable.  And, frankly, for Bitchy & Snobby to not get that is. . .unsurprising, really.

Sure enough, when Brandy & Carol find out they got U-turned by Brent & Caite, they totally don’t get it.  Like, at all.  Some of their gems: “They U-turned us because you’re prettier than she is” (Brandy); “It’s flat out stupid, but let’s be honest, she hasn’t built a career on intelligence” (also Brandy);  “She’s an idiot, she’s on YouTube to prove it” (couldn’t tell).

During their interview at the pit stop — taken after they’re eliminated, which just shows what truly awful losers they are — Brandy does an impression of Brent using a slow, drawn out accident that third-graders typically use to describe the developmentally disabled, at one point calling them “Brent & Caite Gump”.  Yes, it’s as classy as it sounds.

Really, I despise them.  Partly, it’s because of how they’ve treated Caite & Brent, and, to a lesser extent Jet & Cord.  Others have pointed out Caite’s infamous YouTube video; Dan & Jordan did it on Day One.  But only these two have treated them with nothing — at least nothing that we’ve seen — but derision and disgust.  But also, it’s partly because they embody in full the west-coast-liberal-looking-down-on-small-town-America stereotype that helps Sarah Palin sell books.  And anything that gives Sarah Palin a continued reason to exist must be stopped, and told to grow the F up already, stat.

The next task requires the teams to count chain links at a shipyard, amongst much noise and distraction, including a megaphone that sporadically recites numbers.  But it wasn’t crazy hard; all teams got the correct number on their first try.  Michael had packed a pitch counter, which is up there with Steve’s duct tape on the Race’s list of All-Time Smart Packing Choices.

Happily, Brent & Caite’s detour works brilliantly, because Carol & Brandy bicker endlessly during Pound Pavement.  It’s awesomely clear that they did not see the U-Turn coming and are completely frustrated and awesomely taking it out on each other.  Did I mention that I really, really do not like them? In the cab afterwards, they talk more smack.  Well, it’s not actually smack, just more stuff along the lines of Brent & Caite-are-stupid which would be more convincing if the team wasn’t presently kicking their ass.  Bitchy even does a really grotesque impression of Caite while Snobby giggles like the Mean Girls sidekick she is so intent on being.  It’s actually quite astonishing how unaware they are of how bad they look.  And if they’ve got a side to the story that makes them look better, CBS doesn’t seem willing to show it.

The last task is the MegaZip, located at Sentosa, where the teams have to go on a . . . zip line.  Don’t get me wrong, the visual is beautiful, but. . .shouldn’t the clues require them to, y’know, figure out stuff?  Naturally, everyone enjoys the ride.

Michael & Louie lose their cab after counting chain links and try to steal Bitchy & Snobby’s.  It doesn’t work; that is one seriously loyal cab driver.  Instead, they pay a passenger $20 for her cab, and that does work.

The Pit Stop is the Marina Barrage, and Brent & Caite arrive second. Caite is psyched at being the last girl, and that’s fair.  Jet & Cord arrive next, and are mocked by Phil for their lack of drumming skills.  Jet says, “The closest thing we play to a musical instrument is the radio.”‘  Heeee!  Michael & Louie come in fourth, noting the hotness of the girl who gives them the clue to the pit stop.  It’s a little creepy, because she’s really looks like a girl.

On the cab ride to the pit stop, Bitchy says “Brent & Caite are looking for the easy way out, I have no respect for the way they played their game because frankly I don’t think they have any game.  I don’t think they have the intelligence to put together a game.”  So, to recap, Bitchy thinks coming up with a plan to target another team for elimination, then aligning with another team to do the same, and then successfully implementing that plan is not having the intelligence to put together a game?  To quote a good friend of mine upon hearing me suggest that maybe Elin didn’t hit Tiger upside the face with a golf club:  Bitch, please. Louie & Michael beat Team West Coast Elitist Stereotype to the pit stop, and Bitchy & Snobby are eliminated.

Phil informs them that they were U-Turned because they were not very nice.  They still don’t get it.  Instead, Carol uses her final interview to talk down to Brent & Caite yet again, calling them first-graders.  Whatever, Snobby.  No one is claiming Caite’s a physics professor, or a physics student, or even someone who has passed a physics class.  But even a first-grader can see that she certainly hoisted y’all on your uppity butts, didn’t she?  Heee!

Season 16, Episode 9: Dumb Did Us In (originally aired April 11, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of CBS.