The Vampire Diaries: Your Mom’s a Slut, Dude.

The vampire population of Mystic Falls has increased exponentially since the last episode, and the plot contrivances are hustling to keep up. In the grand tradition of keeping enemies closer, Caroline arranges a double date with Stefan and Elena, who agree in the hopes of trying to have more “fun.” Stefan, I know it’s been, like, a century and a half since you last had a girlfriend, but double dating with exes is no one’s definition of fun.

Pearl’s decided that it’s time to take back Mystic Falls for the undead, so she bullies (okay, eye-gouges) Damon into giving up the names of the town council’s Vampire Commission. Because when you’re immortal, gorgeous, nearly invulnerable and recently sprung from a living tomb, you want to take over your small Southern hometown and reopen your dry-goods store, not travel the world or create a vampire army or anything. Sure. Also, she’s really excited about learning how to text.

Double date. Elena and Matt do nothing to reassure Caroline’s insecurities by reminiscing about what besties their moms are. Mommie Dearest just so happens to be tossing back shots with Damon at the bar just a few feet away. I am SO ready for her to turn into a boozy vampire and make Damon fun again.

At the House of Fangs, Goateed Vamp and Harper argue over whether or not they should leave the house. Goateed Vamp leaves the house. Since there’s no way he’s going to make it through this episode alive, I’m finding it hard to care.

Jeremy’s terrible bangs try to explain to Anna that he believes in vampires, and they even might be good. She tries to shut him down by pretending to have made up all the vampire lore she fed him earlier, and he sags. What, the weird stalker whose material you plagiarized let you down?

Speedy version of the double date: Elena has lost all tact and social awareness, unable to shut up about all the “good times” she and Matt shared, Stefan tells Matt he’s a loner who likes to lone by his lonesome, and Goateed Vamp recognizes Elena and the Salvatores. So much for all that fun they were having.

Outside the bar, Goateed Vamp tries to compel a drunk Aunt Jenna, whose vervain necklace makes her think it’s just a bad pick-up attempt. Caroline snipes that Elena is everyone’s first choice and leaves unhappily with Matt in Stefan’s newly-restored roadster. Jeremy makes the first smart decision I’ve seen from him and cuts his hand while making sandwiches to gauge Anna’s reaction, which is appropriately vampiric. It’s cut short by Jenna’s return home, unfortunately.

Matt tries to explain that verbally recreating every time he and Elena did it that evening was just “two good friends” having memories. Caroline, amazingly, buys it. That’s right, sweetheart. He ignored you all night for his ex-girlfriend because he loves you so much.  When they get back to the house, they walk in on Matt’s mom and Damon making out in the hallway, totally spoiling the moment. Matt ruins everything.

The date over, Elena and Stefan spend some time outside fussing about how she wants to go home alone tonight, unchaperoned, after being menaced by yet another mysterious stranger. I’m sure it’ll be fine, as long as she watches out for anvils. As Stefan walks back inside to cavil at Damon, Goateed Vamp and his random sidekick bust through the windows and attack the Salvatore brothers. Random Sidekick dies, but Goateed Vamp runs off, presumably to die next week. Guess his agent negotiated him a two-episode deal. Good for him.

Matt wants his mom to halt the drunken trollopery, but you can’t tell Julie Cooper what to do.  If he tries to make her change, I will kill him. Pearl stabs Goateed Vamp—non-fatally—to remind him not to act without her permission again. Kelly Hu and Melinda Clarke are magnificent bastards.

Oh, and Jeremy wants Anna to make him a vampire. Somehow he manages to make even that boring.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Double the Date, Half the Fun by Matt DeGroot.

Season 1, Episode 16: There Goes the Neighborhood (originally aired April 1, 2010)

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Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Bob Mahoney, and Guy D’Alema.