Gossip Girl Review: Everything Explodes

Sometime last fall, I hesitantly accepted an assignment to watch/review/recap The CW’s Gossip Girl each week. Anyone who has read my weekly thoughts wouldn’t be shocked to learn that I’m not the show’s number one fan. In fact, I know there are some of you out there whose faces almost start on fire when reading my occasionally harsh diatribes against Squints, demon Jenny, and the rest of the gang. I apologize if I’ve offended one of your weekly treats because lord knows I get defensive when my favorites are attacked, but most of my jabs are in jest and fun. Sure, the show isn’t particularly well-written and the acting is often lacking at best, but it is almost always entertaining and I suppose that is sometimes enough to earn our precious time.

So, after nine months of hook-ups, break-ups, betrayals, political intrigue, and cattiness we come to the third season finale. I’m going to try to play nice, but we all know I’m prone to my own bouts of cattiness and this episode certainly allows for some to come forth, so please don’t hate me too much.

After last week’s shitshow almost everyone and everything is on thin ice. For starters, Dan and Serena wake up together after a night of drinking, talking, and a brief kiss. They decide to play it cool and keep it between them but sure enough that spawn of Satan Jenny snaps a pic of them sleeping and sends it out to all of Manhattan just to be spiteful.

Serena is able to calm Nate’s reaction by convincing him that absolutely nothing happened, but even more satisfying is watching Blair give Jenny an amazing verbal smackdown for this latest affront. I was convinced someone would end up getting slapped but no such luck.

You might be surprised to hear that Blair traveled all the way to Brooklyn just to give Jenny the smackdown, but she was also trying to avoid the Empire State Building as long as possible where Squints has been waiting for her in a last ditch attempt to salvage their relationship. Traveling with Blair is Dorota who then goes into labor on the streets of Brooklyn! I guess it’s not a season finale on any show unless someone dies, gets married, or has a baby so why should this show be any different even if it is just the maid?!

Everyone starts to gather at the hospital for the baby and it is here that Nate overhears Serena and Dan talking about the kiss. Oops. When will these kids learn that if you really want something to stay secret, you should just stop talking about it altogether? Regardless, Nate still forgives her but Serena stills feels like she needs time to sort herself out so they are officially broken up.

On the Jenny front, Rufus lets her know that her activities lately have been unacceptable and that its high time for her to go move in with her mother. She seeks out Nate for comfort but instead finds an almost drunk Squints wallowing in his pain from Blair not showing up at the Empire State Building. And in the potent mix of two lonely people commiserating, they of course have sex. What Squints doesn’t know though, is that Blair did eventually show up at the Empire State Building and since he was already gone turns up at his place instead! Luckily, Jenny manages to sneak out unnoticed and Squints woos the pants off of Blair (not literally) thinking that he dodged a bullet and actually got his girlfriend back.

That lasts for about five minutes. Jenny (looking like a bigger mess than ever) admits her dirty deed to the lovely Eric who in turn tells Dan who in turn punches Squints in the face just as he is about to propose to Blair. Blair puts it all together and threatens Jenny hardcore, Dan screams not to blame Jenny, Rufus walks up offering bagel chips, and I laugh.

In the aftermath of all this mess, Jenny is sent packing on a train to her mother, Blair and Serena decide to live as single ladies in Paris for the summer, Dan and Vanessa are on the rocks, and Nate gets drunk with some hookers and starts a sex party.

It would appear though that there is still a strong connection between Dan and Serena when he awkwardly calls her while she’s on her way to the airport. After hanging up he starts looking for flights to Paris himself when Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg) strolls in sporting a fake baby belly and proclaiming Dan to be the father. Taking notes from Glee now, Gossip Girl writers? This is my first encounter with this clearly psychotic character, so I assume she’ll be an obnoxious thorn in the side of season four come autumn.

And finally, the episode comes to a close with Squints getting mugged in a red-light district to the tune of one of my favorite songs, “Under Pressure.” They attempt to take the engagement ring still in his pocket and when he protests they shoot him in the gut and leave him to die in the street. They obviously can’t kill my dear Squints, but he’s at least going to be severely scarred and maybe change his ways?

There will certainly be a lot of ground to cover when the show returns in the fall but it should be fun to see. I hope we actually get to witness some of the Paris antics instead of simply skipping ahead to September when everyone will be back in NYC. I’ll definitely be tuning in to see how some of this plays out, but whether they can keep me holding on for a whole other season will be up to them. Let’s hope the writers and producers bring their A-game and keep the fun coming all season long. Until then…XOXO

For another take on this week’s episode, check out Bring Your Kleenex…and a Puke Bucket by Trisha Huntsman.

Season 3, Episode 22: Last Tango, Then Paris (originally aired May 17, 2010)

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino