The Amazing Race Review: Virtual Insanity

We’re at the final stretch of the race.  Brent & Caite start out first, heading to the airport to catch a predetermined flight for San Francisco.  Jet & Cord are next out, with Cord noticeably happy to be heading back to America the Beautiful.  Jordan & Dan are last out of Shanghai, and are really, really intense about it.  In case you’ve missed it all season, Jordan has been dreaming about this for 15 seasons now, and Dan isn’t willing to have spent all that time with obtuse cab drivers for nothing.

When the currently-in-third-place brothers reach the airport, Brent & Caite are first at the ticket counter, and the cowboys are snoozing behind them.  Jordan puts his backpack right behind Brent & Caite, as though the space were an empty seat he’s claiming.  Essentially, he’s attempting to cut in line here, which Jet & Cord figure out only after the ticket counter has opened and they are standing behind Jordan.  They do some cowboy smack talk, aka threats of bodily harm in a rodeo accent. Jordan is totally, like, whatever, it’s a race, and I’m not giving up a million bucks.  And after the recent episode of Survivor where Amanda totally handed over an immunity idol in her control and possession to Danielle for no logical reason whatsoever, I say amen to that.

Jet & Cord, who have not watched 15 seasons of this Emmy-winning series, are shocked that “people don’t care about people, they just care about money.”  Actually, my big hat-wearing friends, it’s more that people who appear on reality television for the express purpose to win a million dollars, will act in ways indicating that they care about winning a million dollars.  The cowboys say that if the brothers are dropping the gloves, so are they.  Way to figure that out entirely too late, guys.

Not content to simply get seats near the front of the plane, Dan uses his heretofore unseen charm on a stewardess, which gets them bumped to first class, i.e., able to get off the plane and into a cab before Brent & Caite even leave the gate.  And then, as Cord put it so well, “it’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Dan & Jordan hit the clue box first, where they find a riddle designed to lead them to Coit Tower.  They find a guy on a bike who quickly solves the riddle, because, according to Jordan, people who ride bicycles are smart.  The cowboys are last to catch a cab, and when the cab driver says, “Welcome to San Francisco,” Cord replies, “Thanks for having us.”  Say whatever you want about these guys, but you gotta admit they sure are polite.

Both Brent & Caite and Jet & Cord have cab drivers that don’t quite know where they’re going.  The two cabs meet up at a map, and Jet & Cord’s cab driver figures it out.  However, an increasingly frustrated Brent & Caite are still out of luck, and Caite calls the driver a dumbass, and threatens to punch Brent in the face.  Perhaps this tendency towards violence is why they are not together anymore? Jet & Cord have a handy book about San Francisco, which points them to the direction of the Tower.

At the Tower, teams have to make a 120 foot vertical climb using a mechanical ascender.  Dan takes it, and they finish the task before Jet & Cord even arrive.  Then they are off to LucasFilm Industrial Light & Magic.  One team member has to put on a motion capture suit and navigate a virtual world, by listening to his/her partner’s instructions, i.e. walk left, take three steps to the right, walk in a straight line, etc.  When the cowboys arrive later, Cord decides to try and make up some time by adding instructions of his own e.g. Hop and skip!  Ballet move!  Spin around! Do a back flip!, totally f-ing with Dan & Jordan while Jet is putting on his suit.  It doesn’t noticeably slow the brothers down at all, but, man, is it funny.  I don’t think Cord was really thinking about winning here; he just wanted to screw with them as payback for the cutting in line earlier.

Jet’s avatar has a cowboy hat.  It’s cool.

Once each avatar hits the right spot, the clue appears.  It’s a paragraph that spins around the screen, and each team has to figure out that if the person in the motion capture suit spins in a circle, the message slows down.  While Jordan is spinning in the suit in front of him, Jet is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and why he’s doing that.  Once it’s his turn to spin, it takes them a good while to figure out that that’s what they should be doing.

And that time it took them to figure that out?  That’s what I think costs them the race.  Sure, there’s more. . .there’s a trek through the streets of San Fran carrying a heavy-looking trunk, and the teams end up with one more clue requiring them to name each eliminated team, in order, complete with non-elimination rounds.  Dan & Jordan nail this, cause Jordan has been watching this show for 15 seasons, and wrote stuff down.  But Jet & Cord look like they sailed through this fairly easily, so I really think that they lost this back at LucasFilm. As for Brent & Caite? If you believe their interviews since, they weren’t too far behind.  Indeed, they appeared neck and neck with the cowboys for a bit, leaving just a minute or so behind them coming out of LucasFilm.  But they had to circle back cause they left their packs, and that’s the last time we see them until they arrive third at Candlestick Park.

Speaking of which. . .Dan & Jordan get there first, and win, and it’s great, and being brothers is so, so, cool, and they love each other and everything.  Jet & Cord arrive next, and they also are brothers and love each other, and they get to say self-righteously, “there are things more important than money.  . .in the end, having our character and integrity intact, look people straight in the face, tell them we won second.”  Um, I don’t think that’s going to fit on a belt buckle.

When Brent & Caite arrive, all the teams clap and cheer for them, except (of course!) Carol & Brandy.  Actually, Carol gives a slow, sarcastic clap while Brandy just stands there with her arms crossed looking like. . . .well, a bitchy snob.  There’s this telling moment when Brandy shoots Dan a look of disgust because Dan is cheering for Caite & Brent.  You see, he’s supposed to hate her because. . .damned if I know.

Phil asks Caite if there’s anything she wanted to prove, and she says that she’s an intelligent person, and she’s very proud of herself.  Phil directs her to Brandy & Carol, and Caite turns and looks like she’s going to give an entirely unnecessary apology, but Brandy cuts her off, snapping ”I don’t want to hear sorry from you.” and that she purposefully whacked them when she should’ve U-turned the cowboys.  Caite eyes get big and round (last time I saw eyes like that, Ramona was walking down a runway), and there is an awkward silence because, seriously, get over it already.

Caite says that maybe they should’ve treated people nicer, and Brandy says something about them not being able to handle it, which in this conversation makes Brandy the pot and Caite the kettle, but Caite just says, “I’m standing here and not you” and that’s all that she really has to say, isn’t it?

And so on that totally bitter note, Season 16 ends.  Till 17, y’all.

Season 16, Episode 12: Huger Than Huge (originally aired May 9, 2010)

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Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS and Monty Brinton.