The Vampire Diaries Review: Who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade?

Founders’ Day celebrations never end well, do they? You start out with the best of intentions and all the civic pride a town can muster, and yet the day always seems to end with a giant snake-beast or a vicious attack by a group of undead monsters.

Stefan and Elena spend a long time getting into period costume, which at this point has lost its novelty. Damon half-heartedly promises Stefan he won’t pursue Elena now that Katherine’s out of the picture, at least until Elena shows up in full Founders’ Day regalia looking for all the world like their old girlfriend. Jaws are dropped, bets are off.

Anna’s upset with an unusually stringy-haired Jeremy for defending his vampire-slaying uncle. Her mom wasn’t out for revenge, she just wanted to “live her life.” A life that I’m pretty sure would have to include killing and eating people, so it’s not like she’s a total victim here. The long and short of it is that Anna’s leaving town. All of a sudden she doesn’t mind giving him a pity turn, and offers to take him–vampirically speaking, that is–with her. Jeremy’s no longer interested, and Anna curtain-flaps it out of there.

So much exposition in this episode! I’m skipping most of it. Why are so many young kids showing up to Founders’ Day in reenactment garb? Including all of the drug dealers and ne’er-do-wells? This town has a lot of respect for history, I’ll give it that. Damon thanks a grudge-holding Bonnie for removing the spell, and she does her best conflicted middle-distance stare.

Uncle John is displaying a vampire-detecting device to some suit, promising that it will emit a high-frequency sound only vampires can hear. There’s a SWAT team of sorts and a big whiteboard with a map of the town. It’s very Initiative.

Damon, Jeremy, and Stefan have a glaring Mexican standoff over Jeremy’s piss-ant behavior. More exposition. John knocks Officer Amy Sedaris unconscious after she opposes his plan. Once night falls, tomb vamps show up to attack the Founding Families and our heroes start spoiling for a fight. Which I’m guessing will take place during the fireworks/cornerstone speech. Because it always does.

Fireworks. Device. Groaning vampires. What the hell kind of device makes a sound only vampires can hear? Where on earth did that plot point come from? Oh hey, Tyler’s a vampire. How did I miss that? The officers start rounding up the vampires. “They’re rounding up the vampires,” Elena exclaims. Bastards.

Aw, Uncle John kills Anna! She was finally getting vaguely interesting. For some reason he stabs her but sets the rest of them on fire. Seems inefficient, but there you are. The Mayor–who has somehow gotten mixed up with the rest of the vamps–is shocked, shocked I tell you, to discover that Damon is a vampire. He doesn’t have much time to be shocked, though, since somebody else snaps his neck.

Stefan rushes into the building to save Damon, while Uncle John tosses some empty threats after him. Why is the guy who wants to kill the vampires the evil, megalomaniacal bad guy? Elena demands him to help her, even telling him she knows he’s her father, but to no avail. Bonnie comes in at the last minute to witchily tamp down the fire, giving Stefan just enough time to stumble out of the building with Damon.

Afterwards, Damon offers to make Jeremy feel better about Anna dying by making him a vampire. But Jeremy’s clean now! He’s off the juice! Editorial aside: why does everyone keep saying the advantage of being a vampire is the ability to stop your feelings? The advantage is that you get to live forever as a super-hot sex machine and EAT PEOPLE. Plus, you could put, like, ten bucks in a savings account and just live off the interest forever.

Jeremy has changed his mind, yet again. He downs Anna’s blood and overdoses on Elena’s painkillers, which is kind of a lame way to off yourself on a show that’s shown people jump in front of cars, set on fire, buried alive, and stabbed with mystic daggers.

Damon wants to know how he went from trying to destroy the town to wanting to protect it. He thanks Elena for bringing out the good in him blah blah blah badass decay. He slowly kisses her on the cheek. Then the mouth parts! So soon? Save some drama for the second season, you guys.

Shitty Uninvolved Aunt Whatsherface opens the door and goes eight kinds of judgmental on Elena. Meanwhile, Jeremy’s upstairs dying quietly in his childhood bed. Great prioritizing, Aunt Whatsherface.

Uncle John and Elena have a brief conversation, which ends when she uses a kitchen knife to slice off his hand (with the protective ring) and stab him to death. “Katherine?” he gasps while bleeding out. Okay, I was legitimately surprised by this.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Holy S*%#! by Matt DeGroot.

Season 1, Episode 22: Founders Day (Originally aired on May 13, 2010)

For more on The Vampire Diaries, click here.

Thursdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Bob Mahoney.