The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: It’s Not You, RHNJ. It’s The Producers.

C’mon, producer-poos…

Whose nice-nasty MacGuffin is this all over the last three episodes of RHNJ?

Since Teresa returned home with baby Audriana, she’s been the least stressful storyline to follow: Gia gets a gig. And that concludes Chapter 6.

(But then somebody’s sex tape has to ruin that, too. Geez, Danielle! Can another housewife have a crisis?!)

This puppet show isn’t all The Staub’s fault, though.

It’s the sap who scripted baby Emanuela into this mess!

Two episodes ago, Danielle was honestly, innocently invited to lunch with a “dear” friend (code for “rented”) who claimed she was the ideal person to present a big check at a charity event for 15-month-old baby Emanuela who is dying of cancer.

But wait!

She’s to present this at The Brownstone.

Last episode, Danielle recruited a few escorts to the charity event: Kim “G” for dinero purposes, then Danny and John for protection. These are some old friends who don’t drink and toast, but, says Danny, “In six days I don’t even have to ask anybody.”

(Kim G didn’t get it either at first, but Hon, these guys just started wrapping up parole.)

Now that she has a crew to feed her poor-me’s, Danielle trails into the Brownstone with an even bigger—and unaccounted for—entourage, overdressed and ready to gloat.

When accommodations aren’t made quickly enough for the group, it’s all Ms. Staub needs to act a fool.

This week, Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley plans to take one for the home team as head of the “I Hate Danielle Staub” Fanclub.

Ashley essentially tells Danielle to go to hell, and in so sophisticated Staub-fashion, Danielle takes it to the streets, vowing that Ashley is sending her downright, terroristic death-texts: “It’s nothing short of the KKK!”

-_-

Because we know how passionate this cast can be about hate speech, slurs, homophobia and stuff like that…

Jacqueline begins getting calls that Danielle is planning to take out a restraining order against her 19-year-old daughter.

Ashley posts a glowing update on her Facebook account, only to have her phone blown up again by a very poised Jacqueline: “Take that down, NOW!!”

If that weren’t enough, Kim G. pops up at the salon to drop more gossip into Jacqueline’s lap about her son being called the F-word by Danielle’s Danny. Nicholas starts crying, but sorry, kid. Mommy’s on her own…

Meanwhile, Dina plans to follow through on a zen-tervention with Danielle.

“You need to make sure the two of you are alone,” Danny suggests, because I’m sure Dina cares.

Danielle walks in expecting an apology about the resurrection of The Book, and Dina starts the conversation with how Danielle can exit her life quickly and expeditiously.

No “Happy Birthdays“…

Over a nice, big family dinner at Caroline’s, the whole cast is present to feast in peace sans The Staub.

This narrative decoy isn’t through yet, folks. Someone’s threatening to walk out for good next week. Pop in Monday to see what The Staub cooks up next.

Or some bored producer…

Season 2, Episode 6: It’s Not Me, It’s You (originally aired June 7, 2010)

Mondays at 10/9c on Bravo

For more on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Bravo and Virginia Sherwood.