The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Like, So Over It.

John Hughes is rolling over in his grave as we speak, and Tina Fey simply hid under a rock.

I’m going to need you to stop disrespecting high school students. The children have much more sense than you, even after a one week vay-cay. And even if that’s not entirely true, they learned it from the worst.

Let me put it to you like this, and Danielle, let me know if this is ‘hood enough for you: Y’ALL NEED TO SITCHO [synonym for the plural form of ‘donkey’] ALL. THE. WAY. DOWN. You still can’t bring it like a high schooler.

Regrettably, Staub, you are not alone in your shenanigans and tomfoolery this week. The entire cast—save Caroline—must take a bow for the absolutely masterful way in which they executed this string of near season’s end production-ready stunt work. Giudice? Way to shake things up. But let’s be serious, you could’ve come up with a better inciting incident. You wanted to say, “Hi” to the arch-enemy that’s been hyper-scripted for you? That’s weak and you know it. You might as well shake hands with the captain of the opposing cheer squad before semi-finals.

Laurita, you’ve got to come harder, too. You mean to tell me you’re from Vegas—land of secrets, lipo and limber circus acts—and the best dozen you can come up with rates PG-13? “I read your court records, Danielle!” No 16-year-old girl in her right mind is going to try that threat over cyberspace this school year.

And Staub. In the beginning, you were golden. “That’s why your house is going into foreclosure!” Way to spill the friend-of-a-Manzo-s business that isn’t yours to begin with. And way to make six zeros suddenly look like poverty. And way to make poverty look like an insulting handicap while we’re (still) in an economic recession! Mean girls everywhere ate that one up! Because isn’t everyone living in a house the size of half a football field and taping their own reality show where they get to buy their friends and stalk their enemies and walk on marble floors?

If it weren’t for the way you fled the scene, broke your heel, manufactured some tears in the bushes—and if that weren’t enough—called for eight cop cars, and copped an “energist” a la Dina-style to make amends, you might have come out of this looking like more than a bitter runner-up prom queen.

You let the real mean girls among us down, Staub. You let ‘em down.

Oh, but Ashley, Ashley, Ashley. Bravo, teen miss. You just might have saved the day in all this lackluster hullabaloo. You are but one step away from the cliff’s edge—literally. And might I tell you, you held it down something proper. Minions across America cheered for you as you clutched the locks—real or woven—of the Wicked Witch of the Weave. And speaking of witches…

Howzabout that Kim-dom?

Kim G: “There’s been, like, an altercation here…”

Oh, Albie. Please kick the pants of that crooked law school of yours so you can get damages for this nonsense.

Tune in next week?

Eh. If you really want to see how Albie’s petition turns out, by all means, check my Twitter account.


Season 2, Episode 10: Country Clubbed (originally aired July 12, 2010)

Mondays at 10/9c on Bravo

For more on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, click here.

Photograph courtesy of Bravo.

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