True Blood Review: Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar

Welcome back to Bon Temps, True Blood loyalists, as the Fourth of July hiatus kept us away from the swamp for two whole weeks. Getting back into the swing of things even after such a short break proved initially challenging for this viewer, further cementing my suspicions that the land of Sookie Stackhouse and friends is one that needs continuous cultivation. Any instance of neglect, however brief, clearly causes the epidemic of extraneous characters and subplots to become so overgrown, an immediate hedge trimmer is needed to weed out the less imperative goings on from the more flourishing fauna.

That being said, in order to successfully preserve both my sanity and yours, I find it crucial to review Sunday night’s return episode in the simplest terms possible. Since this is True Blood, however, at least a half dozen storylines will still be discussed, but perhaps my head will spin at a slightly slower rate while doing so. Given the title of the episode, “9 Crimes,” I figure my attempt to get down to the nitty gritty will surely manage to whittle away the least interesting one or two said “crimes” acknowledged this week – whether they be literal or figurative. My intent to temporarily abandon Arlene’s secret pregnancy and clueless Terry’s lack of paternity, for example, is merely an effort to focus on the heart of the matter. Thankfully, “9 Crimes” provided Season Three’s first viable evidence of actual common threads tying some sense among the crazy antics of Bon Temps’ creatures of the night.

As for the meat and potatoes of Sunday night’s installment, Sookie’s ongoing search for Bill is apparently still considered the number one priority in Alan Ball’s universe. Her new investigative partner, the well-intentioned, brokenhearted werewolf Alcide, however, certainly brightens her prospects concerning Bill’s MIA status. Last week, poor Alcide got a serious ass kicking inside seedy wolf dive Lou Pine’s, where the gang who snatched Bill hangs out on a regular basis. As “9 Crimes” begins, we first see Sookie tending to Alcide’s wounds. In reference to the V-obsessed hairy hoodlums behind all this turmoil, Alcide tells Sookie that, as a werewolf, drinking V “goes against everything [they] stand for.” Alcide is still smarting from the news his ex-fiancée, she-wolf Debbie Pelt, is now betrothed to lead Bill-snatcher (and King Russell associate) Cooter. To add insult to injury, the happy couple is throwing an engagement party at (where else?) Lou Pine’s the following evening.

Sookie’s tendency to dole out sunny, optimism-drenched advice in situations like these is abruptly shattered when she receives a sudden phone call from Bill, who flatly informs her he is back with Lorena and “doesn’t wish to be found,” adding he and Sookie were “doomed from the start” because he “will bring [her] only suffering.” I have to briefly interject here to give Anna Paquin credit for crying on camera with no-holds-barred gusto. Honest cryface isn’t pretty, folks, and by checking vanity at the door and really letting ‘er rip, Paquin gives Sookie’s understandable anguish real resonance for the viewer. Brava. We are able to see Bill giving Sookie this unexpected blow-off while Lorena cackles with glee nearby, and I can sense Bill’s decision to cut ties with Sookie isn’t derived from a sudden lack of regard for her or her well being. Indeed, after his devastating conversation with Sookie, Bill tells Lorena the disturbing, violently macabre roll in the hay they just had (yup, last week’s controversial closing scene) wasn’t him expressing rekindled feelings for her – rather, he was trying to “kill” his love for Sookie to make ditching her hurt less. Cuckoo Lorena still doesn’t catch his drift, and Bill subsequently socks her in the face.

Despite getting supremely dumped – over the phone, for crying out loud — Sookie remains determined to get to the bottom of Bill’s kidnapping and suggests to Alcide they attend Debbie and Cooter’s party at Lou Pine’s in order for her to gather more information about the werewolf thugs and Alcide to possibly gain closure regarding his defunct relationship with Debbie. While Alcide’s sister Janice (Dawn Olivieri) comes over to give Sookie a howlingly good makeover worthy of incognito entrance to Lou Pine’s, Sookie reads her mind and learns the revelry isn’t really for Debbie and Cooter’s engagement. Rather, it’s an initiation ceremony for the V-addicted Debbie to be literally branded and accepted into Cooter’s deranged crew. Needless to say, Alcide doesn’t take kindly to this news, and is more ready than ever to crash the party.

Before we can get to that, however, other loose ends need to be addressed regarding Bill’s turn to the dark side via his recent allegiance with Russell. Since the king’s intention is to usurp Queen Sophie-Anne’s reign and expand his own, newly devoted Bill divulges that Sophie and Eric have been in cahoots concerning the scourge of V dealing in and around Bon Temps. Russell is delighted, saying Louisiana’s vampire Magister has been “dying for another inquisition for centuries,” illustrating both his power and his age. Bill tells Russell his work won’t go unrewarded, however, and declares he wants a favor in exchange for the pertinent information he just revealed. Said favor is, simply, Lorena’s long overdue murder. Russell obliges, and quotes former comrade Rudyard Kipling in his affirmation as he lights up a stogie: “A woman is just a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.” Heh.

Save for a brief fantasy sequence in which he floats next to Sookie’s window and she delivers a come-on line so cheesy I actually grimace, this episode has been frustratingly Eric-free until he and Lafayette prove to be the most satisfyingly dynamic duo of the whole show. Seriously, can I be the only one envisioning a spinoff centered on these two? After generously blessing Lafayette with a flashy sports car last week for being his top V seller (and to entice him to stay in business), Eric needs to come to his rescue this week as a deal in meth haven Hotshot (that’s seriously the name of the town) begins to go terribly awry. Lafayette quickly learns he’s a bit big for his britches as far as Cal Norris and his hillbilly offspring are concerned. Their disdain for figures as, well, flamboyant as our Lafayette trumps any sordid financial opportunity he may offer, and Eric swoops in just in time for both Lafayette’s britches and his new ride to remain intact. When Eric holds Cal in the air by the throat and threatens, with a smirk, to “kill all [his] brother-cousins,” Cal has no choice but to finally comply and agree to purchase all the V Lafayette has to offer.

While Eric begins to lecture Lafayette on the art of salesmanship during their ride back to Bon Temps, he gets a disturbing phone call from Pam at Fangtasia. The Magister has been informed of their underground V dealing (by we-know-who) and is currently raiding the premises with his cronies. Eric whisks himself out of Lafayette’s car window – a visual gag so well executed I involuntarily laugh out loud – without a word and arrives at the club in time to find Pam strung up by her limbs and being tortured by the intruders. Panicked, Pam impulsively blames the V (of which the Magister uncovered a plentiful amount) on Bill. Eric quickly jumps to her defense, agreeing his recently gone-missing rival must have framed him. While the story initially sounds plausible, the Magister gives Eric an unfortunate ultimatum by ordering Bill’s resurgence within two days, or Pam will be put to death. Uh-oh. What a tangled web we weave, huh, Eric?

Meanwhile, increasingly twisted vamp visitor Franklin Mott has glamoured Tara into revealing more information about Sookie and Bill, citing his “employer’s” curiosity as the reason behind his required inquiry. Franklin’s developing romantic obsession with Tara begins to turn truly frightening as he ties her up, duct tapes a bouquet of flowers to her hands (creepy, much?) and whisks her away to his boss’ house where he can officially make Tara his vampire bride. Any inkling as to the identity of Franklin’s superior? Indeed, it is none other than King Russell Edgington himself (aha!), out and about for the evening taking care of personal matters. Franklin decides to patiently wait for Russell’s return, as Tara begins to rightfully tremble with fear. “We have so much ahead of us,” Franklin coos in Tara’s ear. Yikes.

Where’d Russell have to run off in such a hurry? While the purpose of his errand is to have Bill “procure” an “ethnic,” ahem, “dinner” for the two of them and that constant tagalong Lorena, he ducks out of their limo to make a pit stop at the festivities inside Lou Pine’s. Well, well, well. Sookie, decked out in her badass biker duds (thanks, Janice!), and Alcide are already inside watching Debbie (Brit Morgan, sporting a Tiffany-esque auburn mullet) prepare herself for branding. While Alcide knows who Russell is, this is the first Sookie has ever heard or seen of him. When it’s revealed he’s not only the worshipped V supplier for the entire clan of jonesing werewolves but also the person responsible for searing Debbie’s skin with the same Operation Werewolf Nazi emblem referenced throughout the season thus far, I don’t know whether to cheer or breathe a sigh of relief that all this nonsense is actually starting to exhibit some connective significance.

To cap off Debbie’s initiation, the entire group of juiced up werewolves begins to howl and simultaneously shift into wolf mode. Alcide, mid-shift, roars at Sookie to get the hell out of there, and she promptly does. Russell wisely bolts, too, and heads back to the limo to wait and see what nocturnal delight Bill will bring back for their dining pleasure.

During the festivities at Lou Pine’s, Bill has been inside a nearby strip club eyeing the staff, and gets friendly with a dancer named “Destiny.” She initially tries to say her real name is Camilla, but she is soon glamoured under Bill’s spell and reveals her name is actually Anne. Bill begins to ask personal questions about her family which seems confusing at first, until it is made clear he is going to bring this girl back for Russell, Lorena and himself to feast on. His intention behind finding a lonely stripper is, sadly, to make sure the person he’s ordered to kill doesn’t have a husband or children. The two actually have a rather morose bonding moment as they agree love is “a hell you’ll never get out of alive” – a statement soon to be true for the both of them.

As the ill-fated Anne and Bill make their way towards the limo with a hungry Russell and Lorena inside, Sookie’s frightened screams as she runs out of nearby Lou Pine’s set off Bill’s vampire senses, and it’s clear he knows she must be nearby. While I’m thrilled these storylines are beginning to clearly intertwine with one another, the remaining secondary subplots that stand alone seem all the more unfulfilling. Sam’s continuing saga with the freeloading Mickens family, Jason’s constant idiocy – this week he blackmails new sheriff Andy into giving him a job as a policeman, and attempts to wax philosophical to a high school star quarterback – and Jessica’s floundering status as a newbie vamp seem to pale in comparison with the primary events concerning Sookie, Eric, Bill and their newfound acquaintances. Even with the consolidation of the primary plots, it’s clear getting down to the nitty gritty will be harder than I thought. However, although nearly a third of the season is already over, the tendency for True Blood to achieve a remarkable amount of story progression in a short amount of time keeps me as optimistic as Sookie that it will all work out in the end, unnecessary plot devices and all.

Season 3, Episode 4: 9 Crimes (originally aired July 11, 2010)

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