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The Real Housewives of New Jersey Review: Team Caroline Meets Final Frontier (Joizy-Style)

So basically…

The moral of the story is this:

There’s this full moon that keeps popping up.

Meant to indicate the passage of oh so much time—it fails to distract us from the fact that there’s nothing else to say and nowhere else to go with this season except to another fancy schmancy eatery!

At least there we’ll find fine china and spotless tablecloths to potentially break and soil in this blessed final episode of RHoNJ.

But be ye not deceived. iTunes is not mocked.
I may be hating on this final frontier, but somewhere in America, a demo is entertained to the point of purchase. And repeat purchase at that.

Perhaps, it was Danielle’s revelation in the last few weeks that she would search for her birth mom. Or maybe all of Bravo’s (absolutely 1000 per cent) contrived MacGuff-ing paid off.

Early in the season, Jacqueline came to the conclusion that she, too, was done with Staub.

Alas! This proved a major problem for story structure, as there would soon be no more reason to bring the warring factions to a scripted head—the highlight of the NJ branch of this franchise. Not too many episodes later, Dina Manzo decides to make good on her commitment to free her life of Staub, so she leaves the show. And the show is left swerving to find a purpose.

But it does! (Sort of.) The new plot: Incite confrontation at all costs and to the repeated detriment and humiliation of Supervillain Staub. (Good thing she’s paid.) Thanks to a dear, sweet child in need of rehabilitation—and a sister-in-law duo prepared to run this town—RHoNJ manages to keep drawing audences (como yo) using shameless antics to get ‘er done.

Danny and double-Kim? Bravo better be rewarding your moonlighting efforts.

If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have a missing weave to speak of, Kim D.

If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have a hearty laugh at your two-facedness, Kim G.

And if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be able to contemplate just how clinically crazy Danielle might actually be, Danny.

So, all the machinations so diligently wrought in the cover of night by the Bravo enterprise bring us to this final moment. (Hallelujah!)

Team Staub faces off with the Don(na): Team Caroline.

While the real Mrs. Manzo probably does give a hoot about Ashley’s misfortune per the family curse, I have trouble believing the finale face-off was anything but coached.

In the end, the hype is unnecessarily…well…hyped.

Just a week ago, Caroline was playing babysitter to Giudice’s litter in the peaks of Italy, simply wanting some R&R with Papa Bear Manzo but unwillingly suffering given Lady Teresa’s itinerary. (Which, might I add, was rather selfishly conceived, no…? The hills were flooded with Giudice. But not hating…just saying…)

Then this week, Caroline chooses to bear Jacqueline’s burdens thanks to Ashley’s decision to put her hands on Danielle?

Sorry.

I’d still want a vacation.

Caroline texts Danielle on the spot during a regular check-in with the fam at your above average, not-so-local or everyday high end fine dining establishment. Laurita, Giudice and Staub are equally confounded–and I’m certain that it’s less by the actual idea of a showdown and much more by the fact that Caroline just called this woman like she was a speed dial BFF!

I smell a production assistant.

There may be a side of drama still to come too in the form of a rather enlightening reunion episode. Will Bravo show its innards ‘round the coffee table convo with Andy? We shall see.

We shall see.

Season 2, Episode 16: The Heads of Family Will Roll (originally aired August 23, 2010)

Mondays at 10/9c on Bravo

For more on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, click here.

Photograph courtesy of Bravo.

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