Entourage Review: Sniff Sniff Gang Bang

Last week, the song that reminded me of Vince was Kanye West’s “All Falls Down.”  This week, it would be Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’.”

In the latest episode of Entourage, Vince continues his free fall.  Between his constant partying and marathon public make out sessions with Sasha, Vince is in another place right now.  Over the past few episodes we’ve seen him take any drug placed in front of him and wash it down with alcohol.  First it was painkillers, then coke, omnipresent alcohol, and now Vince is popping pills.  In case you forgot, Sasha is a porn star.  Vince seems to have let the last few weeks go to his head, and she snaps him back to reality when she tells him that she’s found a new job.  Vince quickly learns it’s not a mainstream role and tries to put his foot down.  He tells her not to take the job, and that he’ll pay her the $200,000 she’s being offered for the movie if she doesn’t do it.  The “role” would require her to have sex with a few guys; you know a good old-fashioned “gang bang.”  Yep, folks: this is Vince’s girlfriend.  It’s also weird to me that she’s playing herself.  I know that she’s a porn star in real life, so she’s obviously not ashamed of anything, but I still think this role on Entourage casts her in a poor light.  But I guess anything is a step up from her typical portrayal on camera.  Let’s be real.

Ari is still unable to give Vince his undivided attention because he’s putting out fires at work.  The details of his management style have come to light, with some of his most offensive comments over the years making headlines.  As always, he must smooth things over with the missus.  I like how Ari remains committed to his wife, despite being such a prick.  But the hen-pecked husband routine is wearing a little thin for me.  At this point Mrs. Ari is even starting to get on my nerves.  She has valid criticism; Ari frequently breaks promises and seems to put work ahead of his family.  But she is a bit of a nag.  Eventually, he manages her to placate her for the time being with joint therapy sessions.

Drama’s ego still won’t allow him to accept the role in the animated series that Billy envisions.  Now Phil and the network are behind the idea, but Johnny still won’t budge.  He feels insulted and doesn’t think he should have to stoop to doing voice work, especially as the title character in a show about a monkey.  It is a big step down from what he’s accustomed to doing, but it could turn out to be a good thing for Johnny.  When Eric can’t guarantee Johnny’s involvement, Phil toughens his stance and threatens to find another actor for the role.  Eric flexes his muscles right back and tells Phil he’ll do no such thing.  Eric owns the show, and without Johnny’s participation the show won’t happen, period.

Phil isn’t the only one Eric has to set straight.  His boy is slipping, big time.  Billy tells a surprised Eric that he saw Vince doing coke with Lavin, and he hits the roof.  He tells Lavin to stay away from Vince, and marches off to find Vince and get to the bottom of everything.  Vince is in line for his biggest professional paycheck to date, and he’s jeopardizing everything with his recent rock star behavior.  The studio’s confidence in Vince is wavering and they want him to submit to a drug test before filming begins.  He refuses and tells Dana Gordon face to face that he won’t do it.  She goes to bat for him but the result is that the director leaves the project.  I sense that things are disintegrating, and Vince needs to be reminded of what it feels like to lose everything.  When the episode closes, it’s with Vince assuring Eric that he is fine, refusing to take a drug test, and bullying Eric into finding a part in Air-Walker for Sasha.  He wants to keep her out of adult movies, as if that’s not her chosen profession.

Vince is really starting to get on my nerves.  He’s being an asshole and he’s flushing his career down the toilet.  Is this the guy that I’m supposed to be rooting for?  As long as he’s cavorting with this porn star and acting indignant when others don’t treat her like she’s the First Lady, I will be against Vince.  He needs a reality check before his character goes the way of River Phoenix.  He’s cracking up, and I hope Eric and Ari can pick up the pieces before it’s too late.

Season 7, Episode 8: Sniff Sniff Gang Bang (originally aired August 22, 2010)

For more Entourage, click here.

Sundays at 10:30pm ET/PT on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro

Jone Dome: Clip of NJ Housewife Daniel Staub’s Horrible Performance

After you enjoy the whackness of the video below, be sure to listen to the our Recent episode of the Jone Dome where Ference & Double Edge will be sure to make fun of whack crap like this. You will also have a chance to win prizes and gear from your favorite TV shows and Movies (Available on iTunes).

The Switch Review: Very Good Grief

This movie is infinitely better than previews would suggest.

For those who loved About a Boy but could have done with a little less emotional scarring and therapy-feel-like screenplays, this one’s for you. The Switch is touching and funny, and features one of the cutest children I have ever seen or heard. If this movie and its characters were any more endearing, my head would have exploded.

Let’s start with Jason Bateman. Talk about perfect casting. While this is no Oscar-contender, it also isn’t a throw-away romcom or chick flick. The Switch is somewhere in between thought provoking and funnily cute (or cutely funny), in the same weight class as Big Daddy. It’s a toss up as to whether Wally (the neurotic, workaholic, emotionally stunted Bateman) or the tiniest actor in the bunch, Sebastian, (neurotically played by an oh so adorable Thomas Robinson), really stole the movie. It definitely wasn’t Jennifer Aniston, but she was perfectly perfect for her part without seeming too much like Rachel Green. The boys really turned the movie into a delightful experience when it could have been something overworked and cliche.

The storyline is fairly predictable in terms of the nuts and bolts you get from the preview: Kassie (Aniston) is single and living in New York, and realizes that she wants to move forward with her life, even if she isn’t where she was expecting to be in her mid-thirties. Her best friend Wally (Bateman) is her confidant and best man-friend, and she lets him know that she is looking for a sperm donor  because she wants to get preggers and doesn’t need a man to determine her timeline anymore. As fate and heavy drinking might suggest, the donation goes astray and Wally ends up inadvertently/unconsciously becoming the father of Kassie’s son. The outcome is revealed seven years later, and Wally’s sidekick (Jeff Goldblum in the same role he always plays perfectly) tries to give him moral advice about how to handle the paternity situation when the child’s emerging genes are leaving nothing to the imagination. Kassie’s BFF (Juliette Lewis in the same role she always plays perfectly) has some great one liners that add an element of crazy to the mix. Feelings get confusing and bonds are forged until the truth has to finally come out, and you can probably guess what happens next.

What might not be so readily obvious is just how charming and good this movie it.  I want to eat that little boy that plays the son. It is painful how adorable and funny he is. And he and Bateman together are like a Eeyore/ Charlie Brown dream team. My face hurt from smiling so much, I laughed out loud, and I teared up a few times.

The Switch snuck up on me with its sweet, and at times cliche snapshot of a “modern” family. While the film sometimes reaches to make itself out to be all about the human condition and the essential connections we make in life during the “human race”, it is more a a snapshot of a serendipitous circumstance than a portrait of a contemporary, unorthodox family. The movie attempts to show that the generally accepted (and expected) milestones into maturity don’t necessarily have to be followed (take that, baby boomers with your early marriages and steady jobs), and that one can take control of life at his or her own pace. But really, this is a very well-done story of boy meets girl and falls in love in a funny little scenario. In that way, and by being so damn cute, it succeeds in being universally entertaining.

Jersey Shore Review: The Plot Thickens

Do you turn from a train wreck or grab some popcorn and pull up a seat?  With Jersey Shore, I’m doing the latter. 

In the last episode, drama abounds.  Ronnie continues his bi-polar debauchery: calling Sammi a bitch one minute, and trying to cuddle with her the next.  I used to feel sorry for her, but now I think she’s just a glutton for punishment.  Although she doesn’t know the details of what Ronnie does when he’s out with the guys (no one has spilled the beans yet), she does know that he gets drunk and is verbally abusive.  Yet she still tolerates it.  She has a hunch that the girls know more about Ronnie’s antics than they are letting on, and questions each of them.  Sammi tells them that if they know something, they should tell her.  I agree.  Ronnie shouldn’t have the same expectation of confidentiality with the girls that he has Mike, Pauly, or Vinny.  The girls have tried to pass the buck, each hoping that the other comes forward with the dirt.  Angelina said last week that she feels no obligation to tell Sammi, in part because she doesn’t feel like it would make a difference – Sammi would take Ronnie back.  It’s lame.  Eventually, J Wow and Snooki decide to write an anonymous letter to Sammi revealing Ronnie’s treachery.  This has got to be the dumbest idea ever.  There are seven people who could have written the letter.  Every guy is immediately ruled out, because guys don’t do stupid shit like that.  Maybe the girls think that the anonymous approach would smooth things over with Ronnie.  Again, I don’t think Ronnie cares.  All of this has to come to a head eventually. 

Sammi isn’t the only one having relationship issues.  Snooki calls her boyfriend to talk, and judging from the background noise, he is having a good time.  He yells that he can’t hear her and she tells him to go somewhere so that he can.  He says there are hot girls everywhere and hangs up.  Later he calls her back and tells her that he slept with a girl.  She tells him to go f*ck himself, and that’s that.  Maybe Sammi can borrow Snooki’s backbone and kick Ronnie to the curb.  In the next episode she finds the anonymous note, so at least the air will be momentarily clear before filling again with smoke! I can’t wait!

For more Jersey Shore, click here.  You can follow Poptimal on Twitter @poptimal.

Season 2, Episode 4 (originally aired August 19, 2010)

Images courtesy of imdbpro.com

Mad Men Review: A Shrink For Sally

Let’s just get this out of the way right now: On this week’s episode of Mad Men little Sally Draper masturbated.

I know it seems like only yesterday that she was playing in plastic bags and making drinks, but our favorite ten-year old Draper is growing up fast and exploring things down below…in front of her friends. Oh yes, so you can probably imagine Betty’s reaction when she is brought home early from a slumber party with this news. I speculated last week that we might see Betty at an 11 on the Bitchy Richter Scale this week but it may have actually been 12. Her threat to cut Sally’s fingers off drifted dangerously close to Mommie Dearest territory which was relatively calm compared to the slap across the face Sally received after unveiling her self-cut hair done during a weekend at daddy’s apartment.

It is clear that Sally’s downward spiral continues, but perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel thanks to step dad Henry Francis (Christopher Stanley) who suggests a psychiatrist for the troubled girl. Betty thinks this a superb idea and informs Don of it but he naturally scoffs thanks to his disdain for opening up to people but Betty goes on with it anyway. We get to witness Betty’s first meeting with Dr. Edna and surprise, surprise – Dr. Edna would like some extra sessions with Betty as well. Dr. Edna clearly knows a nut when she sees one so let’s help she can help out both of our girls. Lord knows they can’t get any crazier….can they?

On the business front, new hope springs out of SCDP when Pete brings in a potential new client, Honda Motorcycles, as they prepare to unveil their first automobile. It seems like a great possibility to everyone involved except for one. Roger Sterling wants nothing to do with a Japanese company due to his experiences in World War II and puts a kabosh on the whole operation. This does not stop Don and Pete, though, who decide to go around Roger’s head and pursue the client anyway.

The interaction between the staff of SCDP and the visiting Japanese businessmen is pretty hilarious and things seem to be going well until Roger stumbles upon the meeting and lets loose a volley of angry, racist remarks. In a nutshell, they think this kills any chance they have of landing the client and puts Pete and Roger at very tense loggerheads that felt dangerously close to getting physical if others weren’t in the room to pull them apart.

The team might be willing to  let go of the Honda account and not even give a presentation if it weren’t for a rival ad firm nipping at their heels, led by a jerk named Ted Shaw  and picking up SCDP’s other recently aborted clients. Both firms have $3,000 from Honda for a presentation with a strict rule that no finished ads can be presented. Don toys briefly with the idea of going for broke and producing an excellent TV spot for them but when they realize the financial risk of spending more than what Honda gave them could bankrupt SCDP, they back off and instead launch a ploy to get Ted Shaw to produce a TV spot.

I have to say that watching Don, Peggy, Joan,and Dreamy Joey hatch the scheme to make Ted Shaw believe they are making an expensive commercial was a highlight of the season for me. The shot of Peggy riding a Honda motorcycle around in a circle in an empty soundstage alone was priceless and I wish I could have it running in a loop on a frame on my wall. Luckily, this all pays off when Don goes into the presentation with Honda and resigns from the competition due to the dishonorable fact that other competitors (Ted Shaw) did not heed the rules and stick to the $3,000 limit. And guess what – SCDP gets the account! Score 100 points for Don.

Despite the horror of Sally masturbating, this was an incredibly entertaining and well-crafted episode complete with wonderful scenes between Joan and Roger as well as Don and Faye Miller. Oh and let’s not forget the amazingly hilarious new secretary for Don – Mrs. Blankenship. I honestly laughed out loud every time she opened her mouth or used the intercom. This one’s a keeper.

For more on Mad Men, click here.  Follow Poptimal on Twitter here.  Friend us on Facebook here. 

Season 4, Episode 5: The Chrysanthemum and the Sword  (originally aired August 22, 2010)

Sundays at 10PM/9C, AMC

Photographs courtesy of AMC and imdbpro.

The Bachelorette Review: Double Rainbow Minus One

It’s been a few weeks, and Ali and Roberto are still together. Pop the champagne!

When last we left, it was a long time ago. Let’s overlook that and set up the scene that was the biggest letdown (and my most inaccurate prediction) in Bachelorette history:

Frank: Out of the picture. Even though Frank wasn’t in the finale, he really was because Ali was probably projecting him all over the place. Let’s get real, Ali wanted him to be the last man standing, but Frank got confused and thought he was on The Bachelor when he went back to Chicago. To give everyone a little refresher, Frank wanted to have his cake and eat it too (ok that got a little too suggestive, sorry) and went to visit his old girlfriend because he was feeling conflicted about Ali. To clarify, he wasn’t really conflicted about Ali. He was head over heels for her, but he should have never gone on this show in the first place because his heart was never in it. The ABC team really needs to do some better background checks. Frank didn’t seem conflicted at all when he checked in with his ex-girlfriend to be sure that she was still in love with him, and didn’t think twice about getting back together with her and essentially cheating on Ali. That girlfriend needs to grow backbone. Poor form all around in Chicago. Clearly I don’t have strong feelings on the subject or anything…

I don’t know if ABC, Frank, or even Chris Harrison is to blame for making Frank fly all the way out to Ali to go through the emotional abuse of letting her know the terrible news in person. She fell apart like a sad bunny. This was the only time in my history with Ali that I think she was justified in her pouting and her temper tantrum. She cried, Frank cried, she said everything any self-respecting girl would (he was a liar, he was selfish, why couldn’t he have just brought this up earlier bla bla bla). Even though I was a little in love with Frank, I realize my foolish ways and see that he was pretty much a dbag. So good for Ali, even though I still think she wanted it in the end. Also, I dislike Frank even more for not showing up for The Men Tell All, and despise him for canceling on After the Final Rose. Cardinal sins of Bachelor. Frank sucks.

OK moving on to the actual finale now…

Chris and Roberto: If I had to guess at the beginning of the episode (and you bet I did), I could have sworn that Roberto would be left standing alone at the end, but all would be well because he would be the next Bachelor. Case closed. I also thought that Ali and Chris would have an amicable breakup after the finale aired because even though they loved one another, Chris didn’t look very gifted in the kissing department and they could only ever be intimate as friends. I was very wrong as it turns out.

I’m going to throw it out there, Ali is the weirdest Bachelorette that has ever been chosen. Not because she “broke all the rules” or because boys were treating her poorly on the show, but because she seemed way too…unstable? Not ready to be engaged? I still strongly dislike the fact that she uses the line of being a career driven woman when she quit the one job she probably got straight out of college to come on this show. I’m not saying she isn’t ambitious, I’m just saying that’s a little weird. Also weird, the fact that I really don’t think she likes her family? I know that her parents split when she was little and that her grandma had a huge role in raising her, so maybe that has thrown off the family dynamic? It was just weird and after the bizarro family moments I still thought Chris had it in the bag.

Cut to Roberto and Ali’s last date. They had romantic kissy time in the water as per usual and then Roberto made her a gift with a note in Spanish (of course) and I was still fairly certain that he was going to be standing alone because he is that nice, too perfect guy that is always left alone on the Bachelorette because “something” was missing. Judging from all these failed relationships on this show however, I am beginning to suspect that that “something” is a habit of treating women poorly and being selfish. Which maybe seems intriguing after a few weeks of dating (?) but turns out to be a disappointment within a year (See: Jillian and Ed).

But Chris didn’t have that bad “something,” he seemed to have all the perfect Massachusetts Somethings that Ali and her bad hair have been waiting for since she left home. Even though I think Ali and her need to find a man at the ripe old age of 25 is weird, I still thought Chris was perfect. He still is perfect and I’m not above looking up prices for flights to Cape Cod. So after Roberto and Ali’s hot and heavy date, she shows up to Chris’s bungalow door in ragamuffin clothes hours before their final date. She is a stuttering mess and I think she had an entire bag of Sour Patch Kids covered in Pixy Stix before going to see him based on how fidgety she was, but she finally gets it out that she isn’t going on this date today and isn’t having him come to the final rose ceremony, because she knows she is in love with someone else. Ok, I guess Ali is a class act by realizing that Chris and his puppy-dog heart were going to get more invested and he would be seriously heartbroken and devastated on national TV when she let him down… but it still seemed crappy to let him go before having a final date when Roberto got one. I guess she was just that sure? She didn’t want to pull a Frank to test her feelings? I give her this one, I wouldn’t want to see Chris cry more than is necessary.

What was necessary was crying when that rainbow appeared after Ali gave Chris the boot. Earlier in the season Chris told Ali how before his mother died, she told him to look for her in rainbows, and then he seemed to notice them all over the place. What does it mean? Does Chris Harrison have more pull than any of us ever realized? It was very touching and I don’t care if that is corny. Boom.

So the final rose ceremony was definitely not the most dramatic in Bachelorette history, and Ali looked like a too tan, extension version of Belle from Beauty and the Beast (Chris would have made that movie come to life if she had picked him, grr). For a split second I thought that Roberto was going to tell Ali that after all this and really getting in touch with his emotions, he realized that he wasn’t in love with her. But no twist today folks, he got down on one knee, proposed and Ali accepted.

I couldn’t have been more wrong on this finale and they seem to still be going strong, so who knows. If Chris becomes the next Bachelor, 1. I don’t know if he can handle the emotional toll, and 2. Where do I sign up?

Season 6, Episode 11 (originally aired August 2, 2010)

For more on The Bachelorette, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Matt Klitscher, and Rick Rowell.

Lottery Ticket Review: A Lot of Heart, Little Finesse

Lottery Ticket is a film with heart and a charming cast, but little else in the tank.

The premise of the story is simple: Kevin Carson (Bow Wow), a boy from the projects, wins an unbelievable amount of money in the lottery, but can’t redeem the ticket for three days. Not only does everyone want a piece of the action, some violent thugs are willing to kill him for it.

Kevin Carson is a poor boy with big dreams – to go to design school and one day create his own line of sneakers. At the moment he’s stuck working at Foot Locker and helping his grandmother (Loretta Devine) make ends meet. He does his best to stay out of the underbelly of his world, keeping his nose clean and working for his money.

He gets fired after a fiasco at  Foot Locker when some local thugs who are out to get him, led by ex-con Lorenzo (Gbenga Akinnagbe), try to steal hundreds of dollars worth of shoes from the store. He decides to drown his sorrows over Chinese food with his best gal pal Stacey (Naturi Naughton) and pockets a fortune cookie fortune.  On his way home he decides to play the numbers on the back of the fortune slip.  When he wakes up the next day, he finds that he’s won over of 300 million bucks.

After issuing a warning to his grandmother to tell no one, he and his best friend Benny (Brandon T. Jackson) head off to redeem the ticket. The problem? It’s 4^th of July weekend and the offices are closed until Tuesday.

Here’s where things begin to go juuuuuust a bit off to the right of believable. Me? I have a ticket in my pocket worth 300 million and know for a fact people would kill me for it…I don’t go home. Not until Tuesday, not until all of America knows who that money belongs to. Kevin? He goes home, and finds that Grandma got drunk and spilled the beans to the neighborhood gossip. Now everyone wants a piece of Kevin, including the hot girl (Teairra Mari) who didn’t give him the time of day 24 hours before and the “Godfather of the projects” Sweet Tee (Keith David).

Then there’s the mysterious Mr. Washington (Ice Cube) who lives underground and hasn’t been out in public in 22 years – and only speaks to Kevin. Along the way he finds out what true friendship is, learns not to judge a book by its cover, and discovers he’s in love with his best friend.

The question is – will Kevin hang onto his ticket, and his life, until Tuesday?

I’m not going to spoil anything. I’m also not going to recommend you pay $10 to find out.

My main issue with the film is in the character of Kevin Carson. He begins the movie disillusioned about life but determined to play by the rules – even if it means giving up his dreams. Everyone is talking about buying a lottery ticket, what they would do with the money, but not Kevin. He proclaims how the lottery is designed to keep poor people poor, taking their money and selling them empty dreams.

Then he wins the money.

He becomes a completely different person. He’s suspicious of everyone, even his best friend. He borrows $100K from a gangster and spends it on tennis shoes, food, jewelry, Hummers, etc without a second thought. He goes home with the hot girl (though, to his credit he runs like the wind when she refuses to use a condom). I had whiplash from how fast his character changed.

I suppose perhaps the writers were trying to illustrate how money changes a person. I agree that it does, but the message here comes across ridiculously heavy-handed. I felt like someone beat me over the head with a life lesson stick. It’s called finesse, writers. Use it. Love it.

He also apparently became the dumbest person alive. If an ex-con who was willing to seriously hurt and/or kill me over a pair of sneakers knew I had $300M lottery ticket in my pocket there’s no way you’d find me in public. There’s Kevin, though, wandering around all alone, at night  – and then he’s all pissed off and shocked when he gets knocked out and robbed. Duh.

The Mr. Washington character is by far the most interesting, as random as he is. An ex-boxer who’s career ended when he himself was robbed and shot in the neighborhood, he chose solitude over being part of a community that betrayed him.

Overall the movie’s heart is in the right place but it’s unbelievable. The writing makes the mistake I hate more than anything – introducing characters or situations for no other reason than we need them to move the story. It wasn’t funny, it was over the top, but the message is an important one.

I’d say you could wait for video. That’s just one gal’s opinion.

Photo by David Lee – © 2010 Alcon Film Fund, LLC.

Piranha 3D Review: One Fish, Two Fish, Old Fish, New Fish

For every summer movie season filled with the unmistakable thud of overblown, overwrought action flicks and hackneyed, dime-a-dozen romantic comedies, every now and then a diamond in the rough appears in late August to remind theatergoers that true popcorn flicks aren’t supposed to take themselves so seriously. Much like 2006’s Snakes on a Plane, this year’s unabashed, unapologetic, farcical cult classic in the making is Piranha 3D, a movie that tells you everything you need to know in its title alone. It’s about piranhas, people. In 3D!

Director Alexandre Aja had begun to pique horror fans’ interest in 2003 with the stylish slasher flick High Tension, but has failed to live up to his own hype with his subsequent efforts, helming both 2006’s middling The Hills Have Eyes remake and the stupefying Mirrors in 2008. With Piranha 3D, however, Aja has wisely chosen to strip away the pretension and go for broke with a gratuitously gory campfest devoid of its predecessor’s (1978′s Piranha) underlying social commentary, while chocking itself full of needless nudie shots and the kind of mind-numbing dialogue that mercifully evokes genuine, intended chuckles rather than smirking, unintended snickers – for the most part.

The movie wisely opens with a wink, rather ingeniously casting Richard Dreyfuss in full-on Jaws regalia (down to Matt Hooper’s wire-rimmed glasses and warbling of “Show Me the Way to Go Home”) as a beer-swilling fisherman waiting for the first bite of the day in a desolate desert lake. An earthquake from deep within the earth’s crust tears a cavernous trench at the bottom, tossing Dreyfuss’ meager canoe into the throes of a spiraling whirlpool. Sadly, a bigger boat wouldn’t have helped in this case, as an army of the titular ferocious fishes slips through the quake’s cracks and the sharp-toothed aquatic nibblers are officially unleashed onto their first of many victims.

The seismic release of the prehistoric piranhas just so happens to coincide with the arrival of 20,000 or so ripe coeds for spring break at Lake Victoria, a fictional desert oasis in Arizona where the water is cool and the bikini tops are optional. For the other 51 weeks of the year, however, Lake Victoria is a rather sleepy southwest town where the residents seem to spend their time preparing for the debauchery the keg-tapping college kids unfetter upon their otherwise idyllic existence. No-nonsense Sheriff Julie Forester (welcome back, Elisabeth Shue) and Deputy Fallon (Ving Rhames) are already awash with public property damage and disorderly conduct violations, and the presence of “Wild Wild Girls” auteur Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell, doing an appropriately sleazy, thinly veiled Joe Francis impression) among the wet t-shirt contests isn’t helping restore much order amidst the mayhem. Sheriff Forester’s teenage son, Jake (Steven R. McQueen, grandson of his namesake), is usually stuck babysitting his younger brother and sister instead of letting loose with the spring breakers, but this year he’s bribed the moppets into taking care of themselves while he plays “location scout” for Derrick and his groupies. A local girl Jake’s got his eye on, Kelly (Gossip Girl’s Jessica Szohr), joins him on Derrick’s boat, and with every main character now in their proper place for bedlam to ensue most efficiently, the carnage officially lets loose.

After a team of scuba diving seismologists brought in to investigate the subterranean earthquake first discover the army of carnivorous critters hatching in a massive water-filled cave underneath the fault line (“A lake under the lake?” Sheriff Forester quips), the entirety of Lake Victoria is under siege and no body part (and I mean no) goes unchomped. The particularly gruesome bloodshed comes in the form of finding rather inventive ways to separate a person from their limbs, in addition to the astounding amount of flesh being constantly devoured by our water-dwelling foe. Repeatedly throughout the film, a hilariously sickening casualty would make me think the money shot had surely just befallen the gasping audience. As soon as the thought came, however, another set of guts would fly across the screen in a creatively repugnant manner that induced an even louder roar of horrified laughter than the last.

The 3D aspect of Piranha 3D is, unfortunately, an afterthought clearly designed to jump on the moneymaking bandwagon the revamped special effect has enjoyed in the last couple of years, but the notion of having it at least makes more sense for this type of throwback, mindless entertainment dependent on eye-popping visuals than, say, Step Up 3D, which is just mindless. It was difficult to sense much 3D enhanced detail in the underwater scenes where an unfortunate bikini babe or frat boy met their demise at the wrath of hundreds of lacerating teeth, but above ground the occasional wad of entrails or rogue eyeball would jump out of the screen with sufficient startling effect and render the 3D experience worthwhile as a whole.

As a woman, the flagrant female nudity throughout many scenes seemed incredibly superfluous to me, and I had gone in with the full expectation, given the genre, to be greeted with multiple sets of nipples during the course of the film. While the movie didn’t seem to have ever met a set of breast implants it didn’t like, the piranhas themselves, however, didn’t seem to be too impressed, as evidenced in one of the cheekier scenes. While a colossally stupid sequence involving a nude, underwater ballet of sorts between two of the film’s leading eye candy “actresses” also had me groaning with dissent, I have to admit Derrick’s loss of a very personal item at the whim of the piranhas did make me chuckle in spite of my feeble attempts to avoid the hypocrisy on my part.

Despite its lowbrow exhibitionism in many areas, Piranha 3D keeps its self-awareness in check and dishes out the gleeful camp in spades. Christopher Lloyd makes a welcome cameo as the resident aquatic life expert, helpfully informing both the characters and the audience where these deadly fish came from and why they’re so ravenously hungry all the time. Lloyd chews the scenery and spits it out, particularly as he delves into the maniacal mannerisms of Doc Brown – the audience in the theater I went to actually applauded when he appeared on screen, if that is any testimony to the target demographic for the film. For those who enjoy a true getaway to the movies where the gags are gross, the laughs are plentiful, and the pretense is all but nonexistent, Piranha 3D will satisfy your need for a real summer escapism at a theater near you.

Project Runway Review: One Up ‘Side the Head

This week’s episode of Project Runway was like a long, glamorous tv ad of everything I ever needed to be fashion fierce. Sigh. Now, maybe it’s the whole shopaholic thing rearing it’s ugly head. I freely admit there are very few pleasures that can even hope to rival the feeling of swiping your card and taking possession of your new friends. It’s enchanting; birds sing, polar bears come and dance with you, and the world seems right once again. So this week’s Project Runway has given me my Christmas list. And if you’re wondering I’m registered at… everywhere. Just mention my name they’ll point you in the right direction.

Item number 1 is a trip to New York City. Can you really be a fashion maven without stepping foot in New York? Well, I suppose you could but any excuse to travel is a good one. Speaking of which, Ivy went on a little trip of her own. After passing out in the hall after Runway, Ivy is taken to the hospital. Back at the house Valerie and Gretchen play WebMD and try to diagnose her. They blame her drinking and smoking and failure to eat as contributing factors to her illness. And in a way they’re right because the actual diagnosis is dehydration. Ivy emerges from the hospital with a vow to take care of herself as well as a new inspiration for the upcoming challenges. (Something about the way the hospital curtains in her room fell.) And it is at this point that I remember a lot of famous artists were notorious druggies.

Item number 2: a tablet PC. Those things just seem so cool. Being able to draw and have your computer understand it. I can’t draw but I’d like to think that if I had this PC even that wouldn’t matter anymore. This week the designers use their PC and their artistic skills to create a design inspired by the hats of Phillip Treacy. This is the guy who created that acorn hat for Sarah Jessica Parker at the Sex in the City premiere. And all of his work here is just as daring. There’s an orchid hat, Heidi’s wearing one that looks like an upside down rose, (it looks like something threw a giant rose at her head and it stuck!) then there’s one that’s not a hat at all, it’s a mask. It’s a beautiful mask, black and glittery but I kind of love his daring about saying it’s a hat. But it’s a mask.

Item number 3: an accessory wall. A mask like that would be a great addition to my accessory wall; if I had an accessory wall to add it to. I can just see it now, necklaces, purses, shoes, scarves and belts all perfectly laid out before me to stand in their marvelous light. (One of these days I AM GETTING an accessory wall. That’s not even a question.) Most of the designers are excited about this challenge; Michael knows what he wants to make, Andy looks at this as a chance to get another win, and the other Michael is all inspired to make his model into a warrior. Not all the designers feel this way; Casanova talks about quitting, but that’s mainly to get attention. And while Kristin at first did not like her orchid hat, she later gets into the spirit and is all on board. For her inspiration Kristin remembers her wedding. She wants her dress to be “walking sex.” April has this hat that sort of looks like a tropical umbrella is above her model’s head. So she’s trying to go with a resort feel. And to match that she makes these tiny shorts which all the other designers correctly say looks like a diaper. But April loves the shorts (which indeed shows love is blind, or delusional) so they stay. Tim comes in to mentor the designers. He loves Christopher’s print but thinks he’s trying too hard, Tim looks devastated by Michael’s dress and tells him to be concerned. Then Tim goes back and forth with Casanova about how unoriginal his design is. (Casanova disagrees.) After the critique Michael cuts his dress up and starts again.

Number 4: Phillip Treacy. Aside from the fact that I adore this guy’s accent, it would totally rock to have him as my personal designer. And as seen on the runway, if done right, his designs could make every ensemble POP! Treacy is the guest judge for this week’s challenge. Overall the contestants did a pretty good job with this challenge. Mondo’s outfit rocked – it was colorful, quirky and screamed Mondo style. Andy’s seemed a bit dated and though Ivy had a cute jacket it’s nothing drugworthy. The top three this week are Michael whose last minute dress was called effortless, Valerie whose dress Nina called mischievous, and the other Michael whose architectural dress Treacy called fantastic. On the bottom are Kristin who must have completely abandoned the romance theme with a heavy black dress Nina said had no harmony. Michael thought April’s diaper looked like layered underpants, and Treacy thought that it was a weak attempt. Christoper was the designers’ favorite, but in the judges’ bottom three with his dress that the judges called too dark and overly designed. Michael wins this week, and in proper design all the other designers completely start hating on him; bitter Gretchen at the lead. In the end, Kristin’s flaws outweighed any others and she was sent packing much to her relief. No one seems sad.

So there you have it; my Christmas list twenty-ten; just four little things to make this girl happy another year ‘round. Who says this generation is unrealistic?

Season 8, Episode 4: Hats Off to You (originally aired August 19, 2010)

For more on Project Runway, click here. You can follow Poptimal on Twitter @poptimal.

Thursdays at 9pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime.

Top Chef Review: The Case of the Missing Pea Puree Remains Unsolved

If last week’s episode was a major disappointment, this time around I finally feel vindicated that the three people I like the least ended up on the bottom during the elimination round. Here’s a clue, all their names begin with an A.

But first let’s get to the quickfire. This challenge was actually suitably tough! The chefs were presented with a mystery box by Padma and guest judge Wylie Dufresne. Inside the mystery box were different ingredients that had to be incorporated into a single cohesive dish. Wait a second, did Top Chef just rip off Food Network’s Chopped? Well to make it harder and perhaps to not make it that obvious that they were stealing ideas from another show, three more mystery boxes came out during the course of the quickfire and the same rules were applied. This was to challenge the chefs to be creative with their dishes and to see who could handle the pressure.

Tiffany, who won both challenges in the previous episode wins again with her fish stew with hominy, fava beans, saffron and black garlic. She earns herself another ten thousand dollars and more interestingly prevents Angelo from bringing over his Russian fiancée. Say what? Yes you heard right! Where did that come from? Wasn’t he just flirting with former contestant Tameka openly a few episodes ago? Now he’s engaged? Shady.

It was great fun to see Angelo sweat though and see his confidence shaken. My theory is that he’s lost his mojo because of Kenny’s departure. Kenny was the yin to his yang!

The chefs find out their elimination challenge is to take a classic dish and give it a new identity. They’ll be cooking and serving their creations at the Central Intelligence Agency for the judges, CIA employees, and current director Leon Panetta.

Inside the CIA kitchen, Angelo continues to be frazzled and stressed out as he uses store bought pastry dough for his beef Wellington pizza. Let’s note that the very first contestant kicked off in episode one was due to store bought pastry dough. But Angelo doesn’t care because he thinks that if he executes his dish well enough the judges will think it was creative.

As dish after dish is presented, a note is passed to Panetta who excuses himself to leave the judging early because of some top secret CIA missive that needs his attention. There’s a tense moment where different individuals at the table are looking at the director as if some matter of national security has suddenly come up and the threat level is about to go red. Maybe the CIA have a lead on what happened to Ed’s pea puree.

At judges’ table, Eric Ripert is back! I’ve missed his French accent.

Tiffany, Ed, and Kelly were deemed the most successful, Tiffany winning yet again with her roasted leg of lamb with smoky eggplant, tomatoes and pickled onions. I’m glad she won because she’s helpful and doesn’t cause drama, plus she’s been pretty consistent in her cooking. Ed was in the top three because even though his chicken cordon bleu wasn’t disguised very well, his execution was top notch. Kelly in the meantime did a terrific job in giving kung pao shrimp a new identity in soup form, which is actually pretty inventive considering she’s never made the original dish before. She does a great job in figuring out the key ingredients and making it her own.

At the bottom we have Alex, Amanda, and Angelo. This moment feels good because no matter what, someone who’s been annoying goes home. All three contestants failed on execution and creativity. Amanda had the French onion soup and she basically just had a watered down version of it with an overly sweet marmalade. Angelo got called out on his store bought puff pastry. Alex appeared to have put in more effort in the presentation than the other two but his execution was  done poorly.

The man who may or may not have stolen Ed’s pea puree was sent packing and I felt that the judges finally made the right call. Between the three of them, Alex was more consistently at the bottom and performed the poorest overall. So I’m glad, one down two to go.

This episode has me thinking though that it really could be anyone’s game. Now I’m wondering if we might see Top Chef’s first all female finals with Tiffany versus Kelly. If Angelo steps up again I could easily see it come down to him and Ed if it were an all male scenario. I think Kevin will get kicked off at some point because he’s been hit or miss this whole season. I’m rooting for Tiffany to make it all the way with Kelly or Ed as a worthy adversary.

Lastly, has anyone else felt like this season has dragged on? I can’t believe that there are still six contestants left and it feels like it will take an eternity to get to the finals! Bring on the double eliminations!

Season 7, Episode 10: Covert Cuisine (original air date Aug 18, 2010)

For more on Top Chef, click here. You can follow Poptimal on Twitter @poptimal.

Wednesdays at 10/9C, Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Bravo and David Giesbrecht.

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