The Real Housewives of NJ Review: Babies, Glowsticks, and Sex Talks. Oh My!
August 4, 2010 by JT Johnson
Filed under Feature, feature overlay, Television
The postlude to the fight of ages has brought us to this scintillating hour of lush debauchery and commercial advertisements.
This past Monday, the wickedest wife of North Jersey brought the second season of RHoNJ to a slamming—though, not unexpected—peak. (I suppose…)
The best part of it all?
She’s not even a Housewife.
The last three episodes have wrapped up nicely and neatly for some: Albie got the letter he needed from his law school, permitting him to reapply immediately (and wave an overexcited pair of middle digits to the authors!); Christopher looks well primed to take over Albert, Sr.’s post at the Brownstone; Christine proved recessive genes are evidence that there is a God and donated her sweet 16 excess to charity (then had the awkwardest trip, by far, to the OB-GYN this episode…); Jillian sang her darling little heart out for the big sis; and Joe cushioned well for (rich folks’) hardship by opening a pizza joint, laundromat, and an apartment complex all in a matter of 44 minutes; this episode he and Teresa christen baby Audriana; and all this after he swept the missus off of her feet, literally, in a helicopter ride across the metropolitan area for their 10-year anniversary. Oh! And. The. Rock…
Meanwhile, the drama brimmeth’d over as Staub held court on the county court sidewalk (eyeroll!) in the wake of the weave snatch heard ‘round the world. As expected, Danielle pressed charges against Ashley, seed of Jacqueline, and the young Laurita laughed all the way home with her summons—much to the dismay of Mommy Dearest. If Jacqueline’s head didn’t ache hard enough, our feature presentation—and exactly one-half of that cockamamie convolution called Kim twice over—trotted over uninvited and over-prepared to scrapbook the occasion of her favorite neighbor’s misfortune.
I concur, Jacqueline. She and her girlfriends did indeed look like a “busted up Sex and the City” in those newspapers. And now? She’s just looking busted.
This Monday, Kim G. showed her whole hand. And may I say: yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
Last week, news broke that another housewife from the Atlanta franchise would be parting ways due to “creative differences” with Bravo. Word on the street is Lisa Wu Hartwell wouldn’t put up with the gimmicks—and hat tip to her—because here in Gimmick’ry 101 with Kim G., we see what a failed sneaky scuttle looks like.
“I hate her! She’s a mother[expletive]!” This is G. crying into the door jamb of Jacqueline again. Eyeroll.
“Come onnnnnnn! Help me out…” This is G., just moments before, attempting to woo Christopher Manzo into a lunch date with Mama Caroline Manzo. Um…EYEROLL?!
“Oh. I’m definitely being two-faced!” This is G. shamelessly confessing that she’s worked her way into the mouths and gossip mills of television land thanks to Staub’s status as the woman everyone loves to hate.
“Oh. If I attack Danielle, then maybe just maybe they’ll be my friends too!” Preach, Staub. Preach—because, you’re not looking like an O.G., Kim. You’re looking like a gross G.
Nevertheless, it didn’t take much, if anything at all, for Danielle to flip the script on Granatallo. After gushing all of the mush out of a “tender” moment at G’s lavish crib—“She is my dearest friend (…) And I love her right back.” –Staub is eating dinner with the girls with the expectation that she gets to reveal her newest project: searching for her birth mom. “I want to smell my mom. (snort) And I want to feel her arms around me…(snort)…” (But even the Grinch deserves an “awww…”)
G. had just offered to help her in that venture, but instead of Kim’s strongest acts of two-facedness driving Danielle batty, it’s the simple revelation that the neighborhood eyebrow lady’s yap to a client made it to her daughter, Christine, before she had the chance to. On a scale of 1 to 10, that should’ve ranked about a 5, and here’s why: YOU’RE BROADCASTING YOUR LIFE ON TV, DANIELLE.
Sorry.
Nevertheless, Danielle doesn’t bother to call Kim first. No. She calls Danny. And the circus continues.
Cue the cute babies and glowsticks. And Godmother Dina’s mean mug.
Season 2, Episode 13: Don’t Drink the Holy Water (originally aired August 2, 2010)
Mondays at 10/9c on Bravo
For more on The Real Housewives of New Jersey, click here.
Photograph courtesy of Bravo.
