Review: On Week 2 of “Dancing With the Stars,” I can see Sarah Palin from my house!

If week one of Dancing With the Stars was all about the cheese-factor, then week two is all about the gag-factor.  From the endless shots of Sarah Palin in the audience, to ABC trying to convince us that the audience wasn’t in fact booing Palin when they clearly WERE (Hello?) to the many celebrity emotional breakdowns during rehearsal footage (it’s only the second week people – get a grip!), I felt myself uttering the phrase “Oh please!” quite a bit during this episode. In true reality-show tradition, the producers let us know how we should feel about some of the contestants this week.  The only problem is that I’m not listening to them. I already have my own opinions, and no amount of montages with sappy music is going to change that. Let’s break this down:

1. Rick Fox/Cheryl Burke

This week, we found out during rehearsal footage that Fox recently had surgery on a ruptured tendon and has been dancing through the pain. Sure, it’s somewhat admirable, but let’s not act like the guy cured cancer here. He joined a dancing reality show. I think he was quite aware that he would have to … ya know … dance. That being said, the couple’s Jive to ZZ Top’s Tush was sexy, fun, and kinda sweaty. Judges Scores: 7/7/7

2. Florence Henderson/Corky Ballas:

Carol Brady (yes, I’m going to keep calling her that) had some issues with the quickness of the Quickstep during rehearsals, but really pulled through in this performance. I hate to keep bringing up her age of 76 yrs. old, but I’m 39 and some days, I am in pain just getting up off the couch. Recently I threw out my back watching television; and no, I am not kidding. So seeing this woman who could be my grandmother doing these very difficult dance moves is kind of cool. One might even call it inspirational! But then one would eat another bowl of ice cream instead of getting up and going to the gym. Judges Scores: 7/6/6

3. Brandy/Maksim Chmerkovskiy:

In rehearsals, Brandy struggled and called her pro-dance partner an “a**hole.” Then she went on the dance floor and seemed to have way more confidence than ability. She was good, but came across as a little too cocky and arrogant for me. During the post-dance interview with Brooke Burke, Brandy suddenly went from ice-queen to best friend when she insisted “Everything is GREAT!” and bear-hugged Maks as he looked at her with complete confusion. Be afraid Maks. Be very afraid … Judges Scores: 7/7/7

4. Michael Bolton/Chelsie Hightower:

“Music legend” (please excuse me while I laugh my ass off) Bolton showed up at rehearsals looking like one of Michael Jackson’s children in a ridiculous SARS-type mask. Why? Well, he had an infected throat, of course! Cue the sappy music. At this point, we are supposed to feel badly for him and see him as some sort of hero for “performing” through this difficult time. Oh please! It’s a sore throat! Get a grip Frankenstein. Your dancing will be just as sucky with or without your throat issues. To make matters more awkward, Bolton then went on to speak to his much younger pro-partner as if she were a child. Very rude. She got him back by choreographing what was possibly the worst and most embarassing number EVER; which began with Michael Bolton coming out of a dog-house on all fours. Len Goodman put it best when he said the number only needed a “pooper-scooper to finish it off.” Bolton resembled a sloth; and his dancing was as wooden as his fake teeth. Judges Scores: 4/5/3 We can thank  Bruno for the 3. Love him.

5. Audrina Patridge/Tony Dovolani:

Another emotional basketcase, Audrina broke down in rehearsals, sobbing about missing her boyfriend, and about how incredibly tough it is to be on the show. I understand that the days are long, and that there is a lot of dancing, but you signed up to be there. It’s not like host Tom Bergeron showed up at your house screaming: “YOU WILL BE ON MY SHOW – OR YOU WILL BE PUT TO DEATH!” So can we please all stop acting like victims here? You are on a very popular show that, in a lot of cases, is going to put your career back on the map. So quit whining and do your stupid dance. They were pretty good I guess; I just didn’t care. Judges Scores: 8/8/7

NOTE: During rehearsals, Tony vowed that if they did not receive all eight’s across the board, he would wax his legs. Bruno gave them a 7, so look for a smoother-legged Tony on next week’s show. Now what kind of score do we have to reach in order for Brooke Burke to deflate her giant breasts; or better yet, get a personality transplant?

6. Jennifer Grey/Derek Hough:

Grey and Derek performed an energetic and lively Jive; to the delight of the judges and audience. She is quickly becoming one of my favorites, and the crowd loves her too. When they went backstage to get their scores, there was a lot of booing coming from the crowd. Grey asked “Why is there booing?”; then they cut-away to Bergeron sitting in the audience with Sarah Palin, where he was chatting it up with her interview-style. Later, ABC denied that the booing was for Palin, making up some bunk about the audience being upset that the scores were too low for Jennifer Grey. Except the scores hadn’t even been revealed yet … so ummm… yeah. Not buying that one. Sorry. Judges Scores: 8/8/8

7. Margaret Cho/Louis Van Amstel:

Despite ANOTHER horrific outfit for Margaret in which she resembled a human zebra; the Jive suited her quite well and was a definate improvement for her. But they really need to start dressing her in some normal costumes. Judges Scores: 6/6/6

8. Kyle Massey/Lacey Schwimmer:

Kyle makes a vow to get less tubby and stop eating fast-food. And although he looks like a giant bowl of jelly out on the dance floor, he somehow manages to make that NOT look awful. The dude can move. I still don’t know who the heck he is, but he is fun to watch. Carrie Ann Inaba agrees; as she once again practically jumped out of her chair with overexcitement. Relax woman. It’s going to be okay. Judges Scores: 8/7/7

9. Kurt Warner/Anna Trebunskaya:

Kurt sells a mean Jive, and he gets the Most Improved Award this week. That’s really all I have to say about them. No drama – just a nice dance. Judges Scores: 7/7/7

10. Mike “The Pointless Douchebag” Sorrentino/Karina Smirnoff:

Last week I vowed to refer to this person as “The Pointless Douchebag” instead of his other given name, and I will stick to that promise. So, here is the situation: everyone on this show needs to stop saying “The Situation” over and over in reference to this dork, everytime he appears on the screen. It’s not funny, and it’s old. “The Pointless Douchebag” improved slightly, but dances as if he has never heard music before in his life. His timing could not be more off if he tried. They might as well just not play any music when he dances. It may actually turn out better. Judges Scores: 6/6/6

11. Bristol Palin/Mark Ballas:

This was classic Gag-factor reality-show manipulation here, right from the beginning. Bristol is having problems focusing, so her solution is to take Mark to her hometown of Alaska and meet her wonderful mommy, Sarah Palin! Imagine that! Upon meeting Mark, Sarah goes on and on about how “brave” Bristol is, and how incredibly “proud” she is of her lovely, wonderful daughter. Mom and daughter share a sappy hug, and we all get to see what a great and terrific family they are. Okay, we get it. Bristol is a moral compass who is just like you and me – and Awww Shucks - ain’t life grand in smalltown Alaska? Then, just when you thought they couldn’t possibly BE any more obvious with their tacky manipulation, the song choice for Bristol’s number is: “You Can’t Hurry Love.” Really? Seriously? I mean – what’s next week’s choice? “Papa Don’t Preach”? “Good Girls Don’t”? This is getting a tad ridiculous. Judges Scores: 7/8/7

One more thing that’s midly interesting about the first two episodes: both times, Jamie Lee Curtis  was randomly shown in the audience. I have no idea why. Is she promoting a show? Does she have relations to someone in the cast? Who really cares. All I know is that everytime I see her, the only image that comes to my mind is of her pooping on the toilet from eating all that poop-yogurt. This is what Jamie Lee Curtis has become for me now: the poop lady.

Who Should Have Gone Home: Host Tom Bergeron, for blatantly stealing my joke from last week’s review. I said that Bruno’s comment about how he likes “a taste of Brandy in the evening”, following Brandy’s dance number, was “creepy.” A week later? Tom Bergeron says the EXACT same thing. I think someone is reading my reviews. Shame on you, Tom!

Who Did Go Home: “Legendary” musician (sorry – laughing again) Michael Bolton. Because he stunk. Not a big mystery there. Ironically, when he sings, he sounds constipated. Perhaps he needs to go find Jamie Lee Curtis and get himself some of that poop yogurt.

Season 11, Week 2: Round 2 Performances and Results Show (originally aired September 27 and 28, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c, Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey.

Glee Review: The Power of Britney

Let’s cut to the chase: Schuester’s looking for a song for the Glee kids to perform during the Homecoming pep rally. He tries to introduce them to some classic musicians (whose names I can’t even remember), but Kurt takes one for the team and tells Schue they need to do something contemporary that everyone will love. The answer’s simple: Britney Spears.

Brittany shoots down the idea along with Schuester because she’s tired of living in Britney Spears’ shadow. Another of Glee’s character mysteries is solved and we find out our favorite dumb blonde’s full name is actually Brittany S. Pierce. So technically, Brittany SPierce. Haha, get it?!

Anyway, Schuester then goes to have one of his usual chats with Emma and who should walk in but Carl (John Stamos!), Emma’s dentist boyfriend. Carl laments on the state of the modern student’s teeth and Schue – being obnoxiously nice – invites him to come speak to the Glee club about dental hygiene.

In turn, Brittany ends up being the first sitting in the dentist chair after Carl discovers she has a cavity on each tooth. Damn! The anesthetic induces some Britney Spears dream and we’re treated to our first musical skit of the night: “I’m a Slave 4 U” with the classic VMA “Slave” outfit, “Oops.. I Did it Again,” and “Toxic.”

From there it’s all about Britney!

Rachel performs  “…Baby One More Time.” Artie and the boys do “Stronger,” and Brittany and Santana do “Me Against the Music” all while under the spell of anesthetics. Heather Morris really shines in this episode and it’s fantastic to see her have this opportunity!

While they’re not having dentist-induced fantasies, the Gleeks are trying to convince Schuester to let them perform a Britney song. Brittany’s on board now after her dreams showed her she can be a “truly powerful woman.” It takes a while, but Schuester finally relents (he’s trying this new “be more spontaneous thing” to impress Emma) and ends up performing “Toxic” with the gang. It was just so wrong, on so many levels but it spurned one of the greatest Sue quotes in the show’s history: “It’s a Britney Spears sex riot!”

Personally, I loved this episode because of how ridiculous it was. Yes, it’s incredibly weird and convenient that everyone is having Britney Spears hallucinations at the dentist’s, but it’s an exception I’m willing to let slide like a lot of Britney-related things. There’s just something about this pop star that people don’t mind bending the rules for. It’s Britney, bitch. That’s all there is to it.

The real Britney Spears did have a cameo in some of the hallucinations – I was sort of expecting a bit more, but it was fun seeing her in the parts she was in. Probably the best was the quick shot of her as the teacher in “…Baby One More Time.” Talk about coming full circle!

There are a lot of other things that took place during this episode, aside from Britney: Finn is let back on the football team and last week’s mean new lady coach shows she has a heart and lets Artie join as well. Schue realizes that Emma’s not going to ditch Carl no matter how spontaneous he becomes and Rachel is so damn selfish and insecure. We all knew Rachel is selfish, but she really grated on my nerves this episode. The final musical number was a Paramore song and it completely killed the Britney Spears momentum. I’m sure they could’ve found an appropriate Britney song for Rachel to sing that would show how sorry she was for being a manipulative crazy girlfriend.

The numbers are in now and the Britney Spears Glee tribute episode received one of the highest ratings ever for the show. Is anybody really surprised? Sure, the Madonna episode was great, but not a lot of young people really care about her the way they do Britney. Many of the people who watch Glee (myself included) grew up with Britney; she’s from our generation. And though there was a Lady Gaga inspired episode also, she hasn’t proven to have the same longevity as the legendary Miss Britney Spears.

For another opinion on this episode, check out I must confess, I still believe. by Alana D.

Season 2, Episode 2: Britney/Brittany (originally aired September 28, 2010)

For more on Glee, click here.

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Glee Review: I must confess, I still believe.

Sometime last year, probably after the Madonna episode, I dared to critique Glee in my Facebook status.  It’s not that I am not entertained by the show -  Brittany’s lines are great, Lea Michele could sing the phone book, and I’ve been dying to see Jane Lynch on a consistent basis since Best In Show – it’s more that in Glee‘s effort to be so many things (satire, musical, teen drama), it fails to do any of them, well, well.

Judging from the immediate and profuse reaction of my Facebook friends, I was in the minority.  And judging how my Newsfeed lights up every Tuesday afternoon, I still am.  [Update: the episode got 13.2 million viewers, so I am certainly the cheese here]. I’ve been told repeatedly that I should just go with it.  And since I am a sucker for a good, corny dance number, and funky white boys rapping, I do.  So I don’t point out that Quinn went from total bitch to total nice person with no discernible motivation for doing so.  I ignore that the writers gave Emma obsessive compulsive disorder, and then dropped it, I’m guessing because they realized that it did nothing to either develop her character and wasn’t particularly funny.  And I pretend that it doesn’t bother me in the least that every single character on this show is pretty unlikeable — they are either manipulative and scheming (Rachel, Sue) or cloying and smug (Will, Emma).

I ignore it all.  Why?  Cause I’m a sucker for good song performed well. And sometimes, the show is awesome, like when Artie sang “Dancing With Myself” last season, or when Rachel performed “What I Did For Love” last week.  During these times, the show does something amazing — through the medium of a good pop song (or occasional Broadway number) it gives depth to a character or plot line.  When Glee does this, I get happy, then sad, because it’s then that I realize all the potential too often wasted on this show when it spends valuable time pretending, for example, that Will and Emma — or Rachel and Finn for that matter — have any kind of a believable romantic connection or that we should think Sue is really a good person because she’s nice to her developmentally disabled sister.

Which brings me to this episode. . .

We begin with Will caught between the moon and New York city.  He wants Christopher Cross, because ’80s adult contemporary is da bomb.  (Disagree?  Tell someone who doesn’t own three Phil Collins CDs.) But Glee’s not having it.  They want to perform Britney, cause they grew up with her.  Britney’s breakout hit was in 1998, which means these kids would’ve been around 4-5, which seems a bit young to have “grown up” with her, but whatever. But Will is concerned because Britney is not exactly the best role model. That’s funny — with the whole LiLo shitstorm that has been swarming the media lately, Britney Spears’ head-shaving meltdowns seem almost quaint.

The lovely Brittany has another issue with Britney Spears.  Brittany’s full name is “Brittany S. Pierce,” and she’s tired of living in Britney’s shadow.  So Will decides that they should do Michael Bolton instead, and I swoon, cause it’s seriously like Will’s reading my mind.

Will talks to Emma (who I hate — really, I wish the Emma character would jump off a cliff) while she arranges “I Still Breastfeed. . .but how old is too old?” and “Wow! There’s Hair Down There!” pamphlets.  Emma says that Britney is the perfect symbol for rebirth, and Emma’s all about rebirth, cause she’s dating Jesse and he has a convertible, and they are totally going to Kokomo.  No, wait, I’m confused.  Emma’s about rebirth because she’s dating Carl, who is played by John Stamos, who played drums in that Beach Boys video from the classic 1988 Tom Cruise/Elisabeth Shue movie Cocktail. My bad.

Anyway, Emma is of no help.  Poor Will.  How is he supposed to live without her?

Now, because we’ve got to find a way to work Britney Spears mash-up videos into the plot line, the Glee members have to hallucinate at the dentist, and since Carl is a dentist, the whole plot makes sense (right?). Brittany goes down first, and under anesthesia, has this totally awesome “Slave 4 U” mash-up dream.  It’s awesome because Heather Morris is totally hittin’ it.  Like, she can move.  And she’s got a killer body.  Totally didn’t see that coming.

Brittany loves the anesthesia so much, she drags Santana with her next time, and she and Santana mutually fantasize into that Madonna/Britney song that I remember being totally being excited about at the time, and then instantly forgetting after hearing it once. It’s not as cool as Brittany by herself.

The pointless Finn/Rachel drama this week is that Finn gets a chance to get back on the football team, but Rachel doesn’t want him too.  She wants him to stay a loser, like her, because she is a mean, selfish twit.  Also, for reasons pretty much unexplained by her storyline, she gets a Britney makeover, complete with a rendition of “. . .Baby One More Time” of her very own.  I admit to kinda digging it, not cause I buy Rachel singing this song, cause I don’t. It’s because it taps into something primal about many women who came of age circa 1998. . .secretly, at some point we all did kinda want to be Britney.  Or maybe just we all kinda wanted to do Justin Timberlake.  Either way.

Finn gets back on the football team.  Well, that Finn-is-a-loser storyline lasted a whole 1.5 episodes.

Artie also makes the team, following a “Stronger” montage.  I think the video was supposed to feel empowering, but it just made me kinda uncomfortable.

Will decides that he needs to loosen up, so he buys a convertible and decides to let Glee do Britney at the Homecoming Assembly.  He performs with them, and they sing “Toxic,” all Fosse-like.  The assembly goes crazy, complete with some simulated sex movements by the kid with the Jewfro.  (According to imdb.com, the character’s name is Jacob, but you and I both know that had I said Jacob, you totally would not have known who I was talking about.)  Sue is disgruntled, and pulls the fire alarm.

After talking to Emma, who assures Will that he’s fine just the way he is (though clearly not as fine as John Stamos) Will decides to tighten back up, and returns the convertible.

We close the show with Rachel, because Rachel closes the show best.  (Seriously, if that awesome Filipino girl isn’t coming back, can we just have Lea Michele sing everything?) She sings Paramore’s “The Only Exception”, one of my favorite songs on the radio right now.  And I swoon, because it is a song that has real meaning to the character and it is sung very well.  I enjoy it enough to ignore the fact that, for the second episode in a row, Rachel is closing the show in the only number that advances character development in any meaningful way, suggesting to me, again, that for all the show’s gimmicks, Glee really doesn’t have a lot of ideas.

Next week, Glee finds religion.  Cool, I’m still open to conversion.

Disagree with Alana D?  Read The Power of Britney by Stephanie Jaar.

Season 2, Episode 2: Britney/Brittany (originally aired September 28, 2010)

For more on Glee, click here.

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

The A-List Review: Lifestyles of The Rich and Gaymous

What is The A-List about? Monday night I set out to New York City to find the answer to this very question. Before the premiere of the show was screened, I only had this trailer to fill me in on what to expect.

Elitists? Shallow? Materialistic? Fame? Loaded with cash? Whatever the case may be, I was on my way to find out.

The first episode of the Logo TV series starts off as it would for any reality TV show: introducing the characters. Featuring a cast of six gay A-List New Yorkers, viewers are given a look into the lives of each cast member and what they want to accomplish.

First we have Reichen Lehmkuhl. Fans of The Amazing Race might recognize him as a former winner. Riding the fame from his win, Reichen went on to create a successful male jewelry business. As a former member of the Air Force, Reichen donates 10% of all sales from his jewelry business to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell to help the gays in the military movement. That’s pretty great if you ask me. Not something I would have expected from the way the trailer portrays the A-Listers from the show.

In the premiere viewers will find Reichen preparing for his theater debut in Big Gay Italian Wedding. This being his first time on stage, Reichen finds himself worried as he needs to learn how to dance and sing properly before the upcoming premiere. Sadly for the star his singing number is cut from the play. When he asks if it’s because the director thinks he can’t sing, Reichen gets the response, “That’s one of the reasons.” Ouch. At least they’re honest.

Reichen has a lot more to worry about besides this play, but this will be addressed with the next two cast members.

Next up is Rodiney Santiago, Reichen’s Brazilian model boyfriend.

After meeting in Miami, Rodiney decides to follow his heart and move with Reichen to the Big Apple. Hoping to start a career in NYC as a model, Rodiney seeks the help of world renowned photographer and  fellow A-Lister, Mike Ruiz.

However, not everything is fancy sunset boat rides and weekend in the Hamptons for Rodiney. Reichen has a past with the fellow A-Lister Austin, who’s back fiercer than ever.

Austin’s claim to fame? Being Marc Jacobs boy-toy for a hot minute. Breaking Marc’s only rule, don’t bring anyone back to the house, Austin was tossed out of the spotlight pretty quickly. Oh, he also dated Reichen and that ended on a quick stint too. But now that Austin’s back, old feelings are arising and not even a Brazilian will get in his way. As Austin put it in the show: “He (Rodiney) can barely speak English. Reichen’s better off talking to me. We’d have sooo much more to talk about.”

Spending time in London to recoup from the Marc Jacobs portion of his life, the 22-year-old is back in NYC hoping to become a model. However, vacation time for Austin meant packing a few pounds. At the request of his agent Austin must drop a few pounds even before considering getting back into the game. He’s not even fat. I swear if you have no muscle definition as a gay then you are pretty much screwed. Austin goes on to say that working in a restaurant waiting tables would be below him. He would never do such a thing. Shallow much?  Austin is quick to say what is on his mind, won’t hold back, and just goes for it. Expect drama to start with him throughout the series.

Next up is Mike Ruiz, famous photographer of the stars. I really don’t have much to say about him other than this guy is a creative genius. The imagination that he uses in his photo-shoots for celebrities is outstanding. He’s down to earth and even brings Rodiney with him to parties to help the Brazilian find himself a modeling agent.

Derek Saathoff is another young face in the group of A-Listers. His claim to fame? Being a modeling agent in NYC. As Derek puts it, he is on every list to every club in the city. He doesn’t need to wait in any lines, he gets in. Well connected and partying with celebrities, this is one guy who knows how to have a good time.

Derek is very outspoken and calls things as he sees it. His confrontations with Austin in the first episode alone are worthy of a watch. However, Derek does sport a spray tanning regimen that put’s Sookie from the Jersey Shore to shame.

Last but not least is Ryan Nickulas, hair stylist for the celebs. I have to say Ryan had to be my favorite A-Lister out of the entire group for a few reasons. He observes and holds back his comments until he has a better grasp of the people around him, but the look on his face is picture perfect of what is going on in his mind.  TJ, Ryan’s best friend is another reason. While not a part of The A-List, TJ does come along with Ryan to events and lunch. I honestly think he should be part of the group. He’s witty, smart, and comes up with great words like “gaymous.” Like Derek, TJ speaks his mind. He compliments Ryan and any moments shared between the two onscreen will bring out laughs.

The show overall really doesn’t help the gay movement in anyway. It helps improve the image of gays as much as Jersey Shore does for people in general. In short, it flat out doesn’t. When I asked Derek Saathoff about the show and how it would help gays he responded, “I think it’s hard to use this show as a platform for gay rights. It’s just six gay guys living their life in summer of New York. It’ll bring light that we (gays) are different then you think we are. Middle America has this idea that we are scary or pedophiles. No, we have fabulous lives and we live in New York.” Derek goes on to say, ” The Real Housewives aren’t accountable for all women so we shouldn’t be held to all gays.”

So there you have it. The A-List is more of a guilty pleasure reality television show. At the end of the episode a teaser was shown for upcoming drama, which includes a brawl that breaks out between the group in what looks like a restaurant. It seems as if the Reichen – Rodiney – Austin love triangle will be a factor throughout the series. As the cast said to me Monday, enjoy the show for what it is. It’s six gay guys having a fun summer and nothing more.

Below are my interviews with the cast members. The club was pretty dark so sorry about the lighting. Mike Ruiz was in Germany and was not available to interview.

Derek Saathoff

Ryan Nickulas

Reichen Lehmkuhl

Rodiney Santiago

Austin A.

The A-List premieres on Logo TV on October 4th, 2010.

The Cast of The A-List The Cast of The A-List	The Cast of The A-List The Cast of The A-List	The Cast of The A-List The Cast of The A-List
	Rodiney Santiago Rodiney Santiago	Ryan Darius Nickulas Ryan Darius Nickulas
Bilal Mian and Derek Lloyd Saathoff Bilal Mian and Derek Lloyd Saathoff	Reichen Lehmkuhl Reichen Lehmkuhl	Austin A. Austin A.
		Ryan Nickulas, Bilal Mian, and TJ Ryan Nickulas, Bilal Mian, and TJ

Win an Ice Road Truckers: Deadliest Roads Prize Pack!

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House Review: The Reveal

“I just don’t want our relationship affecting our job…or anything else,” Cuddy proclaims to House.

Sorry, Cuddy, let’s be real. We all know their personal relationship will affect their work relationship but that’s what will keep it interesting. Last week, Huddy camped out in House’s apartment. This week it’s back to work and time for the big reveal about their relationship, which seems to throw the pair off their game a little.

Cuddy and House agree to go public with their relationship—Cuddy wants to formally tell HR and House agrees to wait to tell everyone else. But did we really believe that was going to happen? Of course not, as soon as possible, House tells his team and Wilson. Their reactions are not a consensus for the happy couple: Wilson is in disbelief, Foreman is in favor, Taub is indignant and Chase is indifferent. House mentions that he wants a female perspective and glosses over the fact that he might know something about Thirteen’s whereabouts. Foreman hopes Cuddy will mellow House out, Taub is afraid he will become more cranky and the ladies’ man, Chase, who is dating four different women, could care less. To help convince a disbelieving Wilson that they are dating, in an awkwardly long scene, Cuddy grabs House’s crotch.

In the HR meeting, House and Cuddy sign consensual relationship agreements and Cuddy will remain House’s supervisor. But the revealed relationship is beginning to affect their work relationship. To start, House is voluntary performing his clinic hours. Yes, you read that correctly, shocking right? House checks out a father who is 102 years old and a son, twenty years younger, who live together. House insists that the father’s symptoms are just old age but they ask him to run tests. Individually, they admit to House they are sick of living together, to fake the tests and tell the other that the father should move into a nursing home. Everything seems normal until House learns the father can’t feel hot or cold—turns out he has zinc poisoning from his denture cream.

This week’s primary patient: a 14-year-old girl, Della, who collapsed while pushing her handicapped brother, Hugo, in his wheelchair at a skateboarding event. House first wants to run a “scare test” but then cancels it, without a fight, because Cuddy wants him to. Della’s kidneys begin to fail and the docs suggest that she receive bone marrow from her brother. But Della refuses since her brother has CMD and it could make his illness worse. Della’s condition worsens, including bleeding out through her lung. The relationship strikes again—Cuddy, against her better judgment, approves the riskier treatment but House realizes she disapproves and does the opposite. Della receives a donor lung but her body begins to reject it. The question is do they now treat for the rejection or possible infection? Taub jokes that they should just go with the safer route of treatment because that is what Cuddy will say and House now does exactly what she says. The point becomes moot because House has a revelation about Della’s condition after hearing more of her symptoms and that she never gets sick—sickle cell trait.

As an aside, House and Cuddy admit that their relationship is screwing them up at work. Duh! She decides to talk to HR and try to find another supervisor for House.

Meanwhile, Della’s situation becomes more serious. She will die unless she receives another lung. Unfortunately, since she already received a donor lung, it is unlikely she will be approved for a second transplant. House, for the first time, goes against Cuddy and tells the parents about another option—that Della could receive marrow and half a lung from their son but because of his disease, this could cut his life expectancy in half. This leaves the parents with the impossible choice of choosing between their children. Della tries to take the choice out of their hands by unplugging herself from the machines to let herself die.

Cuddy reports back that she must remain House’s supervisor because no one else wants to do it. House reveals to Cuddy that he already told the parents about the marrow/lung from brother option as the parents walk up. Della’s parents explain their decision not to take marrow/lung from son. House is furious with the parents for choosing what he thinks is the “crappier option.” Then, Cuddy and House get into an intense argument, which the son, Hugo, overhears. Get your tissues ready for this next scene…Hugo convinces his sister, despite his disease and shortening his life, to take his marrow and lung to save her saying, “This is the great thing I can do with my life.”

House and Cuddy realize and discuss that their fight was the first honest interaction that they had all day. Moving forward, they decide to be brutally honest with each other to make their work relationship work.

Well, Huddy survived day one as a couple at Princeton-Plainsboro. Although I can’t imagine their “brutal honesty” rule is going to make things easy in the future, especially if it results in more heated screaming arguments. I enjoyed the supporting cast’s diversity of reactions to the Huddy relationship and I wouldn’t be surprised to see opinions change in future episodes.

The romantic relationship has not changed Dr. House’s bedside manner. The sarcastic Dr. House had plenty of humorous one-liners this week, like, “people who have not seen Cuddy naked shouldn’t throw stones.”

In this week and last week’s episodes, Cuddy was not seen spending time with her daughter, I’m hoping this will change. It will be interesting to see House interact with her daughter.

Does House know more about Thirteen’s whereabouts then he let on? Much less of a storyline this week but it has definitely peaked my curiosity. I wonder where she is but your guess is as good as mine.

Season 7, Episode 2: Selfish (originally aired September 27, 2010)

For more on House, click here.

Mondays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of Adam Taylor/NBC Universal.

The Amazing Race Review: Don’t Just Be Smart, Be There

The Amazing Race is back! 11 teams meet up for a race around the world, and while contestants ponder over whether smarts or stamina will get you through this race, it seems the only thing they can agree on is it sucks to be lost in London.

Let’s meet the teams:

• Brook and Claire are home shopping network hosts.
• Chad and Stephanie are sweethearts from Miami.  Chad is planning to ask Stephanie to marry him. This is adorable, I suppose, but I’m more interested in discovering all the reasons why they shouldn’t get married. This, I am sure, will be revealed.
• Katie and Rachel are beach volleyball players; they’re fit and blond and competitive. I expect to see them use their feminine wiles to get ahead. No judgment.
• Connor and Jonathon are Ivy League a capella singers housed in nerdy form. Their plan to get ahead in the race is to sing until the other competitors love them. That sounds annoying just hearing it.
• Nat and Kat are doctors and best friends. Nat has diabetes but that’s not going to stop her from getting ahead.
• Michael and Kevin are father and son “internet sensations,” a geeky duo that shows why instant fame on the internet MUST BE STOPPED!
• Nick and Vicki are dating and covered in tattoos. They want to teach the other contestants the most basic lesson, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover,” because they’re still nice people. Bad move in my book, because if you can’t outsmart the others at least you can intimidate them into submission.
• Ron and Tony are best friends from LA. They hide Tony’s intelligence because they want to sneak up on the other teams.
• Jill and Thomas are dating. Thomas is competitive and outspoken. Jill wants to prove to Thomas that you don’t have to be a college graduate to do well on the Race. I sense an underlying power struggle in this relationship and look forward to seeing them fight constantly in the upcoming weeks.
• Gary and Mallory are father/daughter from Kentucky. Along with being a former Ms. Kentucky, Mallory is the first son Gary always wanted to have.
• And finally there’s Andy and Jenna, biological mother and daughter who hadn’t even heard each other’s voice before the application for the Amazing Race. This is disturbing as it couldn’t be more apparent that this group was put together by producers solely for drama’s sake. So, these two are probably going to bicker a lot if only because it was written into their contract.

The race stars off in Glouchester, MA, where host Phil Keoghan explains to the contestants the rules for this race around the world. There are 12 legs of this race, 8 of which are elimination points. The first team to cross the final finish line will win 1 million dollars. But there is a new twist this season; the winner of the first leg will receive an “express pass”. This is basically a get out of jail free card that gets you out of any task you don’t want to do.  So, in the case of a time consuming challenge, this could be the difference between staying and going home.

With the teams fired up, Phil sends them off. The first stop is London England; the runners are warned to be quick because the first plane leaving will only hold three teams. So, first come, first served.

Before they even get to the airport, the geeks (Team A capella) are helplessly lost. By the time they do get to there all of the other teams are comfortably situated and waiting for their flight. Ron/Tony, Stephanie/Chad and Jill/Thomas all make the earlier flight. This after Jill and Thomas almost shot themselves in the foot by going to the wrong kiosk for their tickets.

Soon after landing in England Chad has some sort of childish fit and just starts yelling at Stephanie. Far from comforting her, this only sends an upset Stephanie into even more of a tailspin. They are not the only team who finds themselves in trouble; Ron/Tony have been driving in the wrong direction, Andi/Jenn have stalled their car, and Kevin/Michael are lost.

Nat/Kat are the first team to arrive at Stonehenge where they receive their next clue leading them to Eastnor Castle. At the castle, the teams must climb the castle walls, cross the moat and then battle a knight in shining armor.

But this task is trickier than it looks. The boats the contestants use to cross the moat are very easy to sink. In fact everyone is surprised to find themselves quickly capsized. It takes a while to figure out, but the teams learn the trick is to balance their weight and cross the moat slowly. Jill/Thomas make it across first. Chad/Stephanie can’t seem to stop arguing and they waste a lot of time on this challenge. But I suppose even in a race there’s always time to tell your soon-to-be wife that she sucks, which Chad does.

The second part of this challenge involves the teams propelling melons at a suit of armor 30 feet away. This is no easy challenge as Claire learns when a melon snaps back and hits her in the head! But she soldiers on and manages to move her team to a fourth place finish. Team Geek makes a powerful resurgence as they manage to pull from the back of the pack and get a third place finish. Jill/Thomas keep their strong momentum going and grab a first place finish, gaining themselves an Easy Pass.

Ron/Tony are hopelessly lost and when they ask for help they learn that they have again gone in the wrong direction. By the time they make it to Eastnor it becomes perfectly clear that there’s no hope for them, and indeed they are the last team to make it to the checkpoint. They are eliminated.

Here’s the finish:
1st Jill/Thomas
2nd Nat/Kat
3rd Connar/Jonathon
4th Brook/Claire
5th Katie/Rachel
6th Gary/ Mallory
7th Michael/ Kevin
8th Chad/Stephanie
9th Andi/Jenna
10th Nick/Vicki
Eliminated- Ron/Tony

Season 17, Episode 1: They Don’t Call It The Amazing Race for Nuthin’! (originally aired September 26, 2010)

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.  You can follow Poptimal on Twitter here and like us on Facebook here.

Photographs courtesy of CBS and Jeffrey R. Staab.

Chuck Review: Home Is Where the Packed Suitcase Isn’t

Chuck has heart. Oodles and oodles of it. I contend that the funny separates it from all those other spy shows on TV, but a funny spy is still a dime-a-dozen. This spy has relationships – real ones that matter. It’s not about vendettas, being a renegade or making a ton of money. For our Chuck, it’s about doing something that makes you feel worthwhile with the person you love. It’s about making sure, no matter what, that you never stray too far from those who’ve been there for you the whole of your life. Am I seriously getting a little teary here?!

This week, there were as many guttural laughs as ‘aw shucks’ moments, but every episode has a focal point. (Hint: Each episode’s title always has a little clue.) In “Chuck vs. the Suitcase,” the suitcase stood as a metaphor for his relationship with Sarah. Though he finally joined her back in the spy game, she has lived her whole life on the go while Chuck is a newbie and has always made it clear that family and home are important. They’ve been living together for eight months, yet Sarah still hadn’t unpacked her one suitcase. To Chuck, this symbolizes that she doesn’t feel at home with him. To Sarah, it’s only about the spy life and being able to fly easy and breezy.

It was a small tiff, and to be honest, I’m extremely impressed by how the writers are handling this romance. (Well, at least until the final minutes I was.) If every fight turned into a blowout, they’d no sooner turn all the shippers into haters. Instead we got something more along the lines of cutesy squabble, the ones with no clear right or wrong side. But more on that later…

The lovers got their first mission, as a reunited spy team, to track down a model named Sophia. Played by Karolina Kurkova (former Victoria’s Secret Angel and wannabe actress), Sophia’s been using the guise of Milan Fashion Week to deal in super-stealth weaponry. This time it was a microchip. Kurkova definitely got the stealthy, slinky and sexy part down. She also made me laugh once with her best line of the night to Chuck. “Your hand is still touching my perfection.” Her perfection being her taut (I hate you Karolina), angel bottom. But kudos, I laughed with you at least one time this evening.  A lot of the snafus Chuck and Sarah run into are typical, easy guffaws, like when Chuck ends up taken hostage by a naked Sophia who’d just stepped out of the shower. You know the mission’s a little bit more complicated when there’s still 20 minutes to go, and they’ve “recovered” the weapons. No, of course not. Sophia was always one step ahead of them, and they’d recovered decoys.

Back at home, Sarah attempted to unpack one dress, but Chuck asked her not too. He said she’d just be doing it to alleviate the situation, and truthfully, he loves her for their differences. One dress won’t make or break them. But it would give them a clue to solve their mission. While Sophia had unpacked everything in her own, very anti-spy closet, they’d seen her pack up one lone dress, one they’d seen her pictured in before. Why would a model wear the same dress twice?! She wouldn’t, unless…(and say this really fast with me) it was used to camouflage the deadly microchip and sneak it by customs in some unassuming designer’s collection. DUH DUH DUH!!!

They quickly jetted back to Milan before the last show where Chuck used his nifty new tranq gloves to take out the dress’s bodyguards. Sarah managed to slip the dress on, but the two got separated when the bodyguards awoke from their naps. They call the head bodyguard and obviously the best bodyguard since it was THE INCREDIBLE HULK. But what’s going on here? He’s not green, and he sounds sooooo sweet, confessing his love for Miss Sophia. Who is this Lou Ferrigno imposter?! No, really. This guy is big but adorable and completely defeatable. Chuck kicked some sweet butt with a pole before Lou Ferrigno swatted it away like a pesky fly, and then Chuck took him down. With tranqs of course because his wrist would be all floppy if he even tried to use those things against the Hulk.

Sarah, on the other hand, came face-to-face with Sophia, and their fight takes them all the way to the catwalk. That stunt work looked truly painful, and those front row attendees, just looking for a good show, got an even better one. Sarah knocked Sophia off the runway, leaving herself sweaty and bloody and gawked at. Chuck thinks fast with a round of applause and a bravo yell to back up the fact that it was all fantastic acting and just like that, the crowd goes wild. (Unbelievable CIA plot made five percent more plausible.)

Back at home, it’s no surprise that Sarah finally unpacked. Then, Chuck found a picture of them that Sarah takes everywhere she goes because it makes her feel safe. I don’t want to point out that, if ever captured, that picture can be some pretty damming leverage. Then again, where there’s a Sarah in trouble, Chuck will never be too far behind. Anyway that little tidbit was sweet.

The end killed me because it was such a perfect episode. Chuck had to go ruin a sweet moment by saying that he should have never let Morgan get to him with his Achilles heel theory. He, for a quick moment, entertained the idea that the suitcase could be their heel. Yet, he actually believes they have a real future…maybe even marriage and babies. From the look on her face, this is an idea that will clearly leave Sarah up all night. Why go this route?! I think marriage is doable with time, but why would Chuck ever believe that Sarah the Spy is anywhere near ready for babies like say Charlotte in Sex in the City? Not to mention look at his own life. Or Casey and Alex?! He and Ellie were practically parentless due to both parents being tied up in the spy game. So quickly I went from going wild with that crowd to throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. We’ll see if they keep playing the romance as wonderfully as they have been or if they’ll start trying too hard like with this baby thing. They’ve only been officially together for about 8 months, writers. Please…take…it….slow. We all know how those hot and heavy things usually turn out.

SIDELINED
Not to be forgotten were our sidelined compadres who, even at home, are never mission-less. After seeing Awesome’s reaction to the new Buy More, Morgan charged Beckman to give the Buy More a better cover. “I was in the Buy More. Everyone was super attractive and highly skilled…like I worked there. But why would I work in the Buy More? Unless I was a spy!” So to cover their bases, Morgan tells Beckman that things have to get a lot less efficient to pass for a true Buy More. And with Casey staying home because of that Yves Saint-Laurent incident, the two get to bond while they search (quite easily) for our old friends Jeff and Lester on the lam. (Inner wahoooooo!) Their return, along with a ton of old Nerd Herders, was best summed up by their slow-mo walk with the wind (fan held by Morgan) blowing through Jeffster’s hair followed by a nerd pile up as one slips and takes everyone down with him. Hysterical.

There weren’t any unnecessary moments for the Buy More crew but there was the perfect amount of funny. Morgan has also been in touch with Casey’s estranged daughter Alex and pushed him to try and be a part of her life more. Casey acted like didn’t hear the advice, but we saw him happy to use it in the end when he’s phones her up.

Another plus was our newest Greta, played by Isaiah Mustafa. From what I saw, he’s got a future in comedy. He had some great lines and some fantastic physical humor. (This rotating Greta for guest stars is also genius, especially since so far, they haven’t used it as a ploy.) And Awesome went a little baby crazy. Eardrums develop by week. The baby can hear everything Ellie’s saying. Is the baby lying on her spleen? They haven’t decided on Spanish, French or Japanese as a second language! Awesome just didn’t want Ellie to feel like anything or anyone was missing. (Like the soon-to-be mommy’s mommy.) Still, he had reason to worry since Ellie got out a box of childhood memories from the closet while he was sleeping. Someone’s not exactly not missing her mom.

It didn’t quite top last week’s but still, Chuck is on a nice roll. Thoughts?

BEST LINES
“Drinks on me. (Chorus of Woohoos.) Well drinks and happy hour.” – Due to Morgan’s smart and effective thinking, Beckman gives him the keys to the Buy More and makes him Manager.

“I don’t want to be an astronaut, I want to work at the Buy More.” – Kid after seeing the wonder that is a CIA-run Buy More

“Spider-Man kiss?” – Chuck

“Feels good to be back at work.” – Chuck
“Feels good to be home.” – Sarah

“Rumor has it you’re pregnant. Is there room in that womb for two?” – Jeff to Ellie

Season 4, Episode 2: Chuck vs the Suitcase (originally aired September 27, 2010)

For more on Chuck, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C on NBC

Images courtesy of NBC and Dean Hendler.

Michael Symon Interview: The Next Iron Chef and Food Feuds

Chef Michael Symon is a busy, busy man. The previous winner of The Next Iron Chef has a lot going on. With two Food Network shows (The Next Iron Chef, Food Feuds) set to premiere, one show already running on The Cooking Channel (Cook Like an Iron Chef), not to mention his numerous successful restaurants (Lola, Lolita, and Bar Symon to name a few) it’s a wonder he has any time at all.

Today, Michael Symon took the time to speak with Poptimal.com. Topics include his upcoming show, Food Feuds, what he’s looking for in the next Iron Chef, and the legendary Geno’s vs. Pat’s steaks rivalry.

Have you ever wondered what life is like for a winner of Iron Chef? Check out the video.

What local eateries go head to head in a battle to decide who has the dish that defines the city? Watch as the heat is on in Philadelphia, Boston, Essex, MA, and New York. Food Feuds will premiere October 14th at 10 pm on the Food Network.

To see your favorite restaurant chefs battle it out for a place in Kitchen Stadium watch Iron Chef which will premiere Sunday, October 3rd at 9 pm on the Food Network.

For more interviews and tv reviews, click here.

Images courtesy of Food Network.

Dexter Review: My Bad

Welcome back, loyal Dexter fans, as the highly anticipated premiere of season five picked up right where the devastating fourth season finale left off, to address the titular character’s immeasurable, unconventional grief after the grisly discovery of the Trinity Killer’s most personal work yet. Viewers, myself included, were universally shocked to the core after Dexter’s wife, Rita (Julie Benz), fell victim to a brutal bathtub slaying at the hands of John Lithgow’s sadistic serial killer, and have been discussing the numerous paths the show could take as the result of such a viciously morbid plot development.

Wisely, Sunday night’s episode doesn’t miss a beat as the opening scene focuses on the arrival of the police upon Dexter’s horrifying discovery, instead of flashing forward weeks or months into the future to focus on the aftermath. The direct address of such a violent departure for a completely innocent character deserved the full attention of the writers, and thankfully got it.

Michael C. Hall continues to showcase why he’s been a perennial award nominee for this career-defining role, as Dexter’s method of processing emotion runs the gamut from shell-shocked and nearly catatonic to animalistic, feral cries of emotional pain. Unfortunately, the former is his default setting as the cops roll in to investigate the murder scene and Dexter can only muster a few simple words when detective sister Deb (Jennifer Carpenter) asks him what happened. “Rita’s inside,” he croaks. “It was me.” We know, of course, what he means is that Rita’s death is ultimately his fault in light of his obsessive following of the Trinity Killer and uncovering his decades-long pattern of murder, resulting in the villain’s ultimate revenge. Even loyal sibling Deb, however, has to admit such wording was rather regrettable. “Don’t say, ‘it was me,’” she advises him later. “People might misunderstand. In fact, I don’t understand.” The easily misconstrued statement in question also piques the curiosity of the FBI, who are eager to have a sit-down chat with Dexter about the gruesome events of the evening, but are sidelined by Dexter’s colleagues at the police department.

While a stunned Dexter surveys the chaotic environment surrounding his house – police cars, crime scene tape, gaping onlookers, helicopters, body bag – he notes to himself how he’s killed 67 people who, according to his own justification, “got what they deserved,” but poor Rita didn’t deserve any of this. As he anxiously awaits the guiding apparition of his dead father, Harry (James Remar), to no avail, Dexter also realizes that the commotion surrounding him defies two of Harry’s golden rules designed to help Dexter address his “dark passenger.” First, never hurt an innocent. Second, don’t make a scene. Well, so much for that. As Rita’s corpse is wheeled into the back of an ambulance amid the disorder, Dexter watches next-door neighbor Elliot wiping away tears and can’t help but recognize how he, Rita’s own husband, can’t manage to cry but an outsider is visibly broken up – surely, bystanders would find this a bit strange, no?

The next morning, back at Miami Metro headquarters, Quinn (Desmond Harrington) and Masuka (C.S. Lee) are listening to Dexter’s rather sterile sounding 911 call from the night before, in which he stoically informs the operator his wife is dead in their bathtub with an incision on her upper right thigh, indicating a severed femoral artery. “His wife just died. He’s submitting a lab report,” remarks a dubious Quinn. Lieutenant LaGuerta (Lauren Velez) is not amused by their observations, as she had made it vocally clear the night before the case is in conflict of interest with the department due to their connection with Rita, and thus turned over to the FBI. Masuka still decides to tell Quinn about witnessing a kiss between Rita and weeping neighbor Elliot at Thanksgiving, and that Dexter had known about the indiscretion. Afterward, it’s clear Quinn is not finished with his investigation regardless of LaGuerta’s instructions.

Meanwhile, Dexter is curled up in the fetal position in his old apartment, now Deb’s digs, as his cell phone rings with the heartbreaking chirps of Astor and Cody, having a ball at Disney World with their grandparents. He can’t bear to break the news to them over the phone, telling Deb, “I just want them to have one more good day.” Understandable, although I winced when Dexter told Astor that Rita couldn’t come to the phone because she was “in the shower.” Disney World or not, the family should have been told right away regardless of Dexter’s discomfort. No one likes being the bearer of bad news, Dex.

Deb continually reminds Dexter there are a lot of loose ends to tie up before Rita can be buried, and the funeral plans are just the tip of the iceberg. In a scene surely intended to be an homage to Hall’s character on Six Feet Under, funeral director David Fisher, Dexter and Deb visit the funeral home of an undertaker recommended due to his experience in working with cops and their spouses. Dexter can barely sit still and his inability to relate to the social expectations in situations like these has him at odds with an increasingly worried Deb. As the funeral director discreetly slides a box of tissues across the table toward Dexter, saying, “here’s Kleenex if you need them,” Dexter robotically picks one up and awkwardly folds it in his lap as though he has no idea why he would need such a thing. When the topic of the obituary and guest list is brought up, Dexter abruptly leaves his seat, abandoning Deb to fend for herself and essentially plan the funeral on her own. He casually observes the behavior of people at an occurring funeral in the building, noting to himself, “Rita would have wanted a grieving spouse,” meaning one that can express palpable emotional distress like the family and friends he’s witnessing. He continues his analysis. “So that’s how normal people do it. No hefty bags, no diesel fuel,” he quietly marvels, referring to his methodical method of disposing of his victims’ remains.

As his surveillance of the funeral persists, the first of several flashbacks to Dexter and Rita’s first date is shown, bringing to light the fact that Dexter had arranged for them to meet at a remote cafe on the outskirts of town so he could trail a potential kill. While Rita makes small talk about the menu, Dexter’s eye contact wanders from her to the shady looking character over her shoulder. Rita mentions how Deb had told her Dexter was a blood spatter analyst for the police department, among other things, to which Dexter hilariously quips, “Did she come clean about me being an ax murderer?” with the cheerful nonchalance only made creepy by the viewers’ knowledge of that statement’s actual truth. As the conversation plods on, Dexter notices his target exit the restaurant and he abruptly makes an excuse (stomach flu – lame) to bolt, leaving a confused Rita alone with two dinners coming her way. “I’ve been lying to her from the beginning,” a present-day Dexter bemoans to himself, after reminiscing his first encounter with his future wife.

The next day, Quinn and Deb are back at Dexter and Rita’s house, performing a little Sunshine Cleaning of the crime scene. In an otherwise terribly convoluted and unnecessary scene in which Quinn and Deb have sex on dead Rita’s kitchen floor, Deb showcases further example of her tendency to make impulsive sexual decisions during a time of turmoil. In spite of the contrivance, it’s at least consistent with the utter flightiness of her character throughout the course of the series. She can barely look Quinn in the eye afterward and flees with a rack of Rita’s potential burial dresses for Dexter to look through. Quinn spies Elliot out in his front yard next door and proceeds to casually question him about the nature of his relationship with Rita. Elliot admits to the one impromptu kiss, but that Dexter had “punched [him] out” afterward and ended any further romantic involvement between he and Rita. Quinn raises his eyebrows with quizzical interest.

Perhaps the most cringe-worthy scene follows, in which Dexter stares at his front door as it’s mercilessly pounded upon by an anxious set of children and grandparents back home from Disney World. He finally gets up to open it and is bombarded with a foursome of Mickey Mouse-eared delight. The smiles upon Astor, Cody, Grandma and Grandpa’s faces quickly fade as a somber looking Dexter says with trepidation that he has something to tell them. He’s unfortunately still wearing the set of Mickey ears just given to him by the kids as he breaks the horrible news, to the understandable disbelief of them all. “You said, ‘spend the day at Disney World,’” Rita’s mother-in-law gasps with a hint of incredulity. Dexter then makes the unwise choice to say, “I’m sorry for your loss,” a line he surely heard at the preceding day’s funeral he crashed, and assumed it would fit the confines of social grace. Despite your good intentions, it’s not exactly the appropriate thing to say if the loss is your wife, Dex. Astor runs outside in a whirling dervish of tween grief and lashes out at Dexter, crying that she wishes he were dead instead of her mother, a notion Dexter wholeheartedly agrees with.

Deb tries to comfort Dexter later that night, reminding him that Rita is dead because of Trinity, not him, and “there’s nothing [he] could have done differently,” although Dex and the viewers know otherwise. “I could have killed Arthur Mitchell when I had the chance,” Dexter thinks to himself, coming to the ultimate conclusion that Astor is right: they would all, indeed, be better off without him.

The next morning, Dexter begins the first steps of his escape, which involve deleting any incriminating files from his computer. Deb walks in to remind him about his meeting with the FBI that afternoon and that he needs to take care of other things before the funeral the next day that she can’t – like the signing of the coroner’s report and the eulogy. As she talks, Dexter is instead mentally listing the things he needs to erase evidence of before skipping town – like the blood slides and his kill tools. Dexter asks Deb to love Harrison “as if he were [her] own,” a favor with which Deb complies, but with the reminder that Harrison has something more important in his life than her – his father. Deb tells Dexter he is “decent, and good,” and he succinctly replies, “I’m not.” Deb, growing more frustrated by the second, tearfully chides, “You are,” as though she may be trying to convince herself as well.

At the police station, Quinn stops by LaGuerta’s office to tell her about his interesting conversation with Elliot the day before. As she protests his pending investigation of the case outside their jurisdiction and her request, Quinn points out their conflict of interest doesn’t mean they have to “stop thinking like detectives.” Besides, he reminds her, isn’t she the one who always says, “When the wife’s dead, 90 percent of the time the husband did it?” LaGuerta’s silence is all the response Quinn needs.

As a harried Deb enters her apartment that afternoon, a strange woman is inside feeding Harrison what looks to be a hot fudge sundae inside a cat food dish. “Who the f— are you?” Deb asks with a characteristically crude flair. “Excuse me?” the unexpected visitor replies. “Who. The f—! Are you?!” Deb asks again with distinctly more menace, but the comic effect is golden. In fact, I laugh out loud. Turns out, the infant nutrition whiz is a downstairs neighbor Deb refers to as “the cat lady” in an exasperated voicemail to Dexter. She’s also upset because LaGuerta informed her Dexter hadn’t shown up for his interview with the FBI. Innocent people tend not to do things like that, Dexter. While Deb frantically searches for her brother, Dexter is actually at the funeral home having a long overdue conversation with Rita, dressed for burial in the same outfit she wore on their first date. Now there’s a touch of class, Dex. He comes clean about his true nature and dishonesty with her before heading to his storage unit and torching everything inside save for the blood slides and tools, which he takes with him like a trusty map and compass.

“I’ve disappeared so many people,” Dexter narrates as he drives his boat away from the Miami skyline. “My turn to disappear myself.” As the crowd at the funeral begins to gather and grow restless with Dexter’s absence, I begin to wonder if Dexter is really going rogue and his journey off the grid will be the focus of the season. The FBI is also waiting for Dexter at the cemetery, and Deb’s repeated phone calls are continually unrequited as Dexter reminisces again about the night he met Rita. While he is busy disposing of the body he ditched Rita to dismember, she phones him to ask if he’s feeling better. “Much!” he replies with near-comic delight as a hefty bag with a hand sticking out the top splashes into the ocean. I don’t doubt he’s feeling much better one bit. He and Rita chat about honesty, and she comes clean about having two kids and an abusive marriage in her past, facts Dexter had already known about courtesy of Deb. “You make me feel good,” Rita tells Dexter. “Like things can be different,” she adds. Dexter awkwardly agrees with some Tarzan-like utterance resembling, “Yes. Me. Feel. Same way. Too. With you. I mean.” Rita expresses gratitude for deciding to call him, saying she had felt like they “never got a proper goodbye” at the restaurant. The metaphor is so heavy-handed it nearly cracks my TV screen, but the fact Rita and Dexter really didn’t get a proper goodbye at the end of her life is still rather poignant, and I admittedly tear up for the umpteenth time this episode, which is more than I can say for Dexter.

Back to the present, Dexter cruises through the swampy waters of Southern Florida until his boat makes unhealthy noises and he’s forced to stop at a rather seedy-looking shanty made of little more than a few pieces of rotting wood nailed together. An equally disheveled looking creature we’re to assume is at least part human is asking for assistance from the nowhere-to-be-seen employee at the front desk. Eliciting zero response, the half-rodent, half-man slithers past Dexter, asking the ubiquitous conflict starter, “You got a problem?” At first, Dexter lets the transient be on his way, but when the two meet again in the restroom, Dexter isn’t so quick to back down. The confrontation escalates, and Dexter finds himself with an ominous weapon in his hand and subsequently submits to his instincts. After brutally bludgeoning the otherwise unsuspecting hillbilly, Harry finally shows up and tells Dexter that was “the first human thing [he’s] done since she died,” which I found surprising. This kill was completely impulsive and sloppy, and Dexter had no prior knowledge of this person’s qualifications – just being a rude redneck doesn’t render one guilty according to Harry’s code, after all. Perhaps Dexter acquiescing to raw emotion and acting on it is, in itself, a human enough reaction to garner support from Harry. After releasing some of his grief, albeit at the whim of someone’s life, Dexter is kneeling on all fours in the gas station restroom making noises of such visceral anguish it makes up for all the tears he’s been unable to shed thus far. Grief hasn’t been Dexter’s problem – guilt has. Harry tells Dexter he has to go back to his family and, more pressingly, to Rita’s funeral.

Just as Deb looks like she may have a full-fledged anxiety attack in lieu of Dexter’s arrival, he pulls up to the cemetery as the crowd of mourners walks toward him. Rita’s mother-in-law hands him Harrison, and they all walk back to the burial site to start the ceremony. Dexter begins delivering a eulogy that doesn’t bring him to tears, but does sincerely express his torment over her unjust death and his awareness of the light her presence in his life brought him. “I wasn’t even human before we met,” he says, with more sincerity than any listener at the funeral even knows.

Although my Dexter-on-the-lam theory is clearly off the table, I’m intrigued with the direction season five has taken in the premiere episode, particularly since it seems to have deviated from the formula of preceding installments. Pending the arrival of Julia Stiles’ character, the focus of season five will clearly delve into the heart of Dexter’s guilt and grief, instead of highlighting a duel with an obligatory nemesis. Dexter’s statement about not feeling “human” until Rita came into his life carries more weight than he may even be aware of at this time, given his behavior and reaction to her death in Sunday’s episode. While every person responds to tragedy differently, a spotlight will surely be shining more brightly upon Dexter’s quirks than ever before, and people who would normally never consider him a potential murderer will begin viewing him in a completely different light – particularly Deb. His complete development into a shell of emotionless vulnerability after Rita’s death negates any progress he had made concerning social adaptability during their relationship. With everything he thought he was supposed to have to secure a “normal life” snatched away from him, Dexter’s sordid proclivities will be front and center. For the fifth season of the hit Showtime drama, it looks as though Dexter will be going back to the basics.

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Season 5, Episode 1: My Bad (originally aired September 26, 2010)

Sundays at 9pm EST on Showtime.

Photos courtesy of IMDb Pro and Showtime

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