Machete Review: Amazeballs Con Carne

Back in 2007 filmmakers Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez unleashed upon unsuspecting film goers, Grindhouse, a rollicking and crazy double feature honoring the kind of care-free trash cinema that just doesn’t exist anymore. Audiences didn’t really flock to it but I personally found the experience (and that’s really the only way to describe it) to be one of the most satisfying three hours I’ve ever spent in a movie theatre.

In addition to two vastly distinct feature films, Grindhouse also boasted a handful of fake movie trailers to bridge the gap between films. Well, one of the most memorable ones of the bunch featured a renegade Mexican named Machete who always “gets the women and kills the bad guys!” It was outrageous and clearly stuck in people’s heads because now three years later we have a full-length feature based on that trailer and I’m happy to report that it was worth the wait and the effort.

Robert Rodriguez and co-director Ethan Maniquis could have easily thrown together any mess of a film called Machete and chalked any imperfections in quality up to it being intentionally bad but as I watched it I couldn’t help but notice the care that actually went into the film and the craft behind each shot. Not only is this a well-made B-movie, it also has a semblance of brain and heart in the political stance it takes on the immigration issue. Don’t get me wrong and assume that the politics ever override the bloodbath action or gratuitous sex because they don’t even come close, but in its own special way the film is an inspiration and beacon of hope for those fighting against the extreme and discriminatory laws being passed in places like Arizona. This movie won’t be enough to turn the tide of public opinion but it just might inspire a few people to stand up…but then again, within the first five minutes of the film a naked woman pulls a phone out of her vagina to make a call so maybe I’m just being overly optimistic.

But yeah, a naked chick taking a phone out of her vagina is actually one of the least vulgar things in the film so if you’re offended just stop reading now and don’t even consider seeing it. But those of you who get a giggle from vagina phones or seeing a man using another man’s intestines to swing from one window to another are in for a treat.

I’d go into great detail on the plot but it really is the last thing that matters while watching Machete.  That is not to say there isn’t a plot because there definitely is and at times it actually gets convoluted and complex enough to become tedious because that’s really not what we came for. But in a nutshell, Machete (Danny Trejo) is a former Mexican Federale who has lost his family to a drug lord played by Steven Seagal and is forced to cross the border into America where he attempts to make a living as a day laborer.

Life in Texas certainly isn’t great for him but one day a well-dressed fellow (Jeff Fahey) approaches him with an offer to kill a racist state senator (Robert DeNiro doing his best Tea Partier impression) for $150,000. Machete takes the job but is double-crossed and sets off on a road of revenge that has him encountering the Crazy Babysitter Twins, a sexy immigration officer (Jessica Alba), a sexy taco stand owner/revolutionary (Michelle Rodriguez), and a not-so-sexy gun-wielding priest in the form of Cheech Marin.

The already impressive cast also includes Don Johnson(humorously credited as ‘Introducing Don Johnson’) as a ruthless border patrol vigilante and everyone’s favorite train-wreck, Lindsay Lohan as the daughter of Fahey’s character. We see fairly quickly that Lohan is basically playing herself when we first meet her character while she passed out in a crack house. But things go downhill even further (like her career) when see her have a threesome with Machete and her mother! She may end the film in a nun outfit but we can safely say that nothing is sacred or holy about the girl.

Everyone plays their part with tongue very firmly in cheek to satisfying results and just seeing Trejo as the lead of a major film is a treat unto itself but the real star here is obviously the action. Every fight and every kill is so gruesome and gory that I guarantee you’ll be throwing up your arms (and maybe your lunch) with every swing of the blade. It is evident that Rodriguez found pure joy in crafting the action scenes because they are so damn hilarious and over the top that you can’t not enjoy them. I found myself giggling in sick pleasure from the gore unfolding in front of my eyes. One moment in particular involving a thermometer still brings a smile to my face hours after seeing it.

This is not the kind of movie that will ever find a huge audience because it’s humor and taste level is so specific but if you’ve ever had a good laugh at one of Rodriguez’s other adult films (Spy Kids doesn’t qualify) you’ll likely find something to enjoy here. It doesn’t barrel along as dynamically smooth as his Planet Terror from Grindhouse but the editing, the music, and the above-mentioned action make it a well-executed trip to the movies for those who are willing to accept its premise as a film who’s only objective is fun. And if you’ve ever wanted to see a Mexican gardener use his Weed Whacker as more than a lawn care tool, then this is most definitely the film for you. Lord knows it was for me.

Grade: B+