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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Kim, The Second Coming of Lady Gaga?

Thank God for the gays! This week’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta would have just been another drama-free snoozefest if not for the hilarity that ensued as Kim prepared for The White Party.

Humpty and Dumpty made their way to Palm Springs for the big shindig. Kim and her assistant/friend Sweetie headed to the airport, and upon landing loaded all those wigs (with names like Debbie and Sierra) and oodles of face wash into a limo. They weren’t actually driving inside the limo to the hotel. No, Kim had to rent a yellow Lamborghini for the long haul, proving once again that she cares for little outside of herself. At a pit stop, Kim courageously ventured into a gnarly looking outhouse, forcing Sweetie to hold open the door and threatening to kill the poor girl if she closed her in. (I think that could be a case for workplace harassment.) When they arrived, even Kandi couldn’t hide that slight sneer of contempt when she saw the Lambo and limo roll up one behind the other. “Kim has one single, and she thinks she’s Lady Gaga – already.”

Then there was all the pre-show primping. Gay men were paraded around her, but she still attempted to seduce them, with comments as creepy as Casper’s “Can I keep you?” (First, get a clue! Second, that’s another 15 cases for workplace harassment.) Kim tried on dresses of all colors and styles with one very similar size. Eenie meenie. It’s no wonder that she almost had a wardrobe malfunction. Her chest was ready to bust out of that corset top so they added straps on the fly. Then minutes before go time, her skirt had to be pinned to her underwear for fear that she’d show too much of those nether regions down under. I have no idea when all this concern over her dignity sprung up, so I choose to believe it was stage fright and stall tactics. In the end, she performed “Tardy for the Party,” and everyone appeared to genuinely enjoy it, so more power to her. She moved around the stage and didn’t forget her words or sing with her real voice too loud. Pure, autotune perfection.

Kandi, on the other hand, wasn’t too happy about singing backup to Kim. This is understandable because Kandi did have actual success, even if it was a long time ago. And Kim can’t even get parts of her own song straight which would drive any backup singer crazy. (Note to Kim: Don’t sing every single part of the song if you have someone who can help you out. You look crazy.) During Kandi’s confessionals, she had tons of tips for what Kim did wrong or didn’t do and how ridiculous she looked. She was 100% correct on the latter part. But for all the criticism that Kandi spits behind Kim’s back, she really doesn’t seem to have much going on in her life outside of the studio and her show BFF.  Still, I loved almost all of Kandi’s reactions. I could have watched that alone, one of the best her response to Kim’s elation at the end of the show and the idea that they should take their one-song act on the road. Merely, “eeehhhhhh.”

It was a low key week for the rest of the housewives. Nene spent most of it lecturing her youngest son Brent on how Bryson shouldn’t be vilified for his bad deeds but also should not be emulated. I would have been more intrigued to see her talking with Bryson about this marijuana possession issue instead of what we got last week, muddled with all the moving in and disrespectful youth problems. Oh, and she and Bryson hosed down her new dog Playa and put him in a diaper. That was kind of sweet and strange.

Phaedra lost all her charm, while my esteem for Apollo, the ex-con, only grew. I can’t wait for a storyline where the ex-con part is used outside of confessionals. The two have marriage mentors, a couple from their church, who help them through their growing pains. I don’t think Phaedra and Apollo really like each other or share similar values. She wants shiny, new things, and he wants quality time getting to know one another. He wants to discipline his children using non-violent communication like words, and she’d rather give a whooping. It may be time for new mentors.

Cynthia continued her streak of pretty but boring. Her biggest issue was a potential future marriage to her boyfriend Peter who hasn’t yet proposed. Her sister/assistant Malorie (why are so many of these hybrid characters popping up) simply told her to get with the program and marry the man if, for all intents and purposes, he’s the one, outside of the scary ring and marriage license. Someone’s got a normal head on their shoulder; I like big sis’s sass, but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sheree fretted over becoming a grandmother when her 24-year old daughter Tiera returned home. I thought that Cynthia’s daughter might be the only well-adjusted youths on the show, but I can now add Tiera and Brent to the list. Tiera was moving in with her boyfriend, and Sheree needed assurances that they weren’t thinking about babies anytime soon. And they weren’t, but think about how awkward that conversation is going to be. “So mom, I think tonight’s the night. Yeah, it’s baby making time. I’m raring to go. You ready to be a grandmamma?”

The good stuff was when Dwight stopped by to catch up, and he brought along a random friend. Bodyguard? Lawyer? PR man? Who knows! He confessed that his $30,000 was spent on many things for the fashion show, a big portion being flyers and invitations and other Xerox materials. Sheree scoffed at this but didn’t blow up. Excitement averted…again. They parted cordially, but Sheree made it clear that he’s no friend of hers.

So, this week was slow on excitement. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is now underway, and it’s looking mighty juicy; very plastic, but juicy. I miss the old days of wig pulling, makeshift gas stations, changing rooms and in your face name calling. Oh the good ole days.

Season 3, Episode 3: White Hot (originally aired October 18, 2010)

For more on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, click here.

Mondays at 9pm on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Bravo and Isabella Vosmikova.

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