Review: Bruno, Bergeron, and Bolton Shine Bright in Week 3 of “Dancing With the Stars”

Dancing With the Stars is a master at reality-show style manipulation. It manipulates in its cast choices, song choices, costume choices, and even in what they choose to show us of the rehearsal footage montages. When something mildy controversial happens on the show, this is when DWTS is at its best. The show’s producers know how to take a simple scenario, and then create more buzz about it by talking it up, replaying it everywhere, and having host Tom Bergeron make endless harmless jokes about it. Then they play the innocent “Who? US?” role in reaction to whatever fallout occurs.

Danced the samba. Their story was a student/teacher crush. They played the characters very well and their dance was very charming and cute. Jennifer is a solid performer on this show so far. I think she will make it to the top three. Judges Scores: 8/8/8  

2. Florence Henderson/Corky Ballas:  

Danced a waltz to the song “Edelweiss” from The Sound of Music. They told the story from that show of two people hesitantly falling in love with each other. In rehearsals, Florence talked about how the dance and song brings back memories of her late husband John, who was her great love. I can’t help but like this woman. She is very likeable and real. This dance was extremely sweet and romantic,  even if it was danced with a dude named Corky. Judges Scores: 7/6/7  

3. Kurt Warner/Anna Trebunskaya:  

Danced the Foxtrot. Their story was to the song “Bad Day” and it was about a guy having a bad day. Original. They gave it sort of a Gene Kelly-esque style, which was very charming. Kurt was endearing in this dance, and his movement was much improved this week. Judges Scores: 8/8/7  

4. Margaret Cho/Louis Van Amstel:  

Danced the samba, and their story was something about Pride/Coming Out/Joy. At least that is how Margaret explained it, but I didn’t get any of that from the actual dance. What I got was colorful, loud, kind of all over the place, and chaotic. Maybe a tiny bit of joy. Also – yet another ridiculous costume for Margaret. This one was the least offensive of her three so far, but still pretty bad. The producers really must hate her to keep dressing her this way. In the post-trainwreck interview with Brooke Burke, Margaret said: “It’s a tough time in the gay community, lots of teens have commited suicide. We did this dance because we want this to end now.” That is a really nice sentiment. But I think its safe to say that Margaret’s dancing won’t be stopping any suicides. Judges Scores: 6/6/6  

5. Audrina Patridge/Tony Dovolani:  

Danced a waltz. Their story was a Marine wife or girlfriend dreaming that her Marine was coming home to her. Graceful, flowing, and very nicely danced. Audrina is a beautiful dancer, really. But her face shows nothing. I can’t tell if this is due to botox injections, or that she just has no personality and is void of human emotion. I sincerely think she might not be human. I mean c’mon. She was on The Hills. That was perhaps the dumbest show on the planet, so she can’t be all that deep. Even when the judges talk to her and praise her, her expression never changes. Her face looks like a painting. A pretty painting, but a painting. She just baffles me. And yet, I am too bored by her existence to think about it anymore, so I won’t. Judges Scores: 8/9/9  

6. Bristol Palin/Mark Ballas:  

Danced the foxtrot. Their story had something to do with Mark playing a homeless man, and Bristol “helping” him, I guess by dancing like a robot toward him. It made very little sense. Rehearsal footage showed Bristol in yet more t-shirts and sweatshirts that say ALASKA on them, along with a brief look into her life as an activist for “Teen Pregnancy ….. Prevention.” We got to see a glimpse of her busy life giving speeches about how you shouldn’t have sex and yadda yadda yadda … Gag. As for the dance? Once again, she looks as if she is being literally dragged across the dance floor against her will. I didn’t get “homeless man” out of this dance. I got “dancer drags Mannequin Girl across hardwood floor.” I did, however, really like her white dress. Judges Scores: 6/6/7  

7. Brandy/Maksim  

Danced the samba. Since Brandy is a singer, they chose to do the storyline from the film The Bodyguard. The idea is that Brandy is a famous performer, and Mak is her bodyguard, there to protect her. But it didn’t look like he was her protector at all. It looked like she was a huge diva and she was the one in charge. Don’t these people know how to act a character? The dancing was pretty good, the story made no sense. Afterwards, there was an awkward, too long moment where judge Carrie Ann Inaba called Maks over to the table; then attempted to spank his butt (he ran away) while calling him a “naughty boy.” I wanted to run away too, but I live on the 3rd floor and I was already in my pajamas. Judges Scores: 8/8/8  

8. Kyle Massey/Lacey Schwimmer:  

Danced the foxtrot. This was supposed to be a Coffee-Shop romance or some crap like that. However, with their matching oddly shaped purple pants, the couple looked more like two giant grapes parading around the dance floor. These particular pants were not flattering on either Lacey or Kyle, and they both looked like they were wearing diapers and had just pooped their pants. The dance itself was quite adorable, but the awful pants were a distraction. I still have absolutely no clue who Kyle Massey is, but Carrie Ann apparently has a cougar crush on him. She really needs to take it down a notch. Judges Scores: 8/7/8  

9. Mike “The Pointless Douchebag” Sorrentino/Karina Smirnoff:  

Danced the foxtrot. Their storyline had something to do with a time machine spaceship. Their costumes were insanely ridiculous (I could see Mike’s nipples), and the music that was playing had absolutely nothing to do with the movements they were dancing. If their storyline was a trainwreck, they would have succeeded in delivering that. During the rehearsal footage, Pointless Douchebag got defensive about people saying he has no musicality by pointing out that “you can’t fistpump if you don’t know the beat, right?” No. Wrong. Then he said that they had to do well this week in order to avoid an “elimination situation.” Sigh. I really dislike this guy. To be honest, I’d like to fistpump him right in his eyeball, and then throw his stupid backwards hat off his head. I do not understand why anyone enjoys watching this person dance, speak, or do anything at all. Please get him off my television. Judge Len Goodman described their dance best with his comment: ” If that’s the future, I’m glad I live in the past.” Me too, Len. Judges Scores: 7/6/7  

10. Rick Fox/Cheryl Burke:  

Danced The Samba. Their storyline sounded like it was going to be really lame; a man blows the “big game” and goes to the bar to relax. However; they made the story and dance very sexy once again; with Cheryl dancing on a table like a high-class stripper, and then him joining in for a sultry, steamy number. The outfits were hot, and Rick The Sweat Monster once again got himself all sticky in the face with perspiration. Cheryl Burke does really well at showing herself off and finding the best way to show off her dancer’s strengths, and she did that with Fox this week. Another excellent performance from these two; and another drooling expression from my husband while watching Cheryl. Judges Scores: 8/8/8  

You may have wondered why I included host Tom Bergeron’s name in the title of this weeks review as “shining bright.” How did he shine bright? Well, he didn’t. At all. I was just using sly manipulation tactics by putting his name in the title so that he might read this review. Everyone has an ego, right? We all love to hear our names or see them written somewhere, anticipating what might be said about us. Well, Bergeron, to you I say this: stop stealing my jokes! I will give you a pass for last week’s exact wording of my “Bruno is creepy” comment, but next time, I want credit. I’m from Massachusetts originally, and I still remember you from way back when on People Are Talking. I am sure if I look really hard, I can find some embarassing footage of you from that lame show. So you might want to remain on my good side, Mister. I am on to you.  

Who Should Have Gone Home: Michael Bolton. For the second time. They should have carted him out right in the middle of his singing performance.  

Who DID Go Home: Margaret Cho. Poor Margaret. She never had a chance in those silly costumes.

Season 11, Week 3: Round 3 Performances and Results Show (originally aired October 4 and 5, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey.