Review: On Week 4 of “Dancing With the Stars,” host Tom Bergeron Promises to put Kelley Lynn on the Show!

Yes. You read that right, folks. During this week’s results episode of  Dancing With the Stars, the delightfully wonderful, genius host Tom Bergeron promised that he would get me on the show as a “guest” co-host for one episode. He also vowed to continue reading my reviews of the show, and keep posting comments on the poptimal.com website underneath my awesome, hilarious reviews! AND – get this – he even said that he would retweet, or share, my reviews with all of his 20,000 followers on twitter.  I KNOW! Isn’t be the best???

Okay, so, technically, Bergeron didn’t actually say that he would do any of those things. At least not in word form. However the same media team of experts who determined that the booing coming from the crowd was NOT in fact for Sarah Palin but instead for the low scores of Jennifer Grey in Week 2 of the show – have now determined that whenever Tom Bergeron says the word “LIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!” at the beginning of each show, it is really not a simple introduction to the show’s start, but also a PACT in secret language from Tom to get me on the program. These same experts have also determined that the last sentence was the longest run-on sentence ever to be written. But who cares? I’m gonna be on TV!!! Right Tom???

Also, because I have too much time on my hands and apparently use it for the stupidest purposes ever, I was thinking the other night about the Mirror-Ball Trophy Prize that the winner of DWTS receives. Thinking about that gave me another idea. A truly wonderful idea to further showcase the talent of Tom Bergeron. Ready? A spin-off show of DWTS called Hosting With the Hosts. The concept? A contest involving all popular and known TV hosts to see which is the best and most-loved host. The show would star hosts such as Ryan Seacrest, Chris Harrison, Jeff Probst, Julie Chen, (who would get kicked off first just because she is THAT awful) and, of course, Tom Bergeron. The host-wannabe’s would have to compete in different weekly host-like exercises and then get voted off the show, just like DWTS. The winner would get the coveted Host Microphone Trophy. Categories/Games would include:

1. Wearing a Suit

2. Fake Laughing at Dumb Jokes that your “I’m only here because I’m gorgeous” co-host makes.

3. Using inflection and distraction techniques to make situations seem much less or much more than what they actually are; whichever the circumstance calls for.

4. Best host-like smile

5. Walking the line between total tool /douchebaggery and slightly charming.

So what do you think Tom? Brilliant idea, right? And of course, you would win. You are ever-so charming and have way more personality than most other hosts out there. I think you should consider this concept. At the very least; it would make a hilarious sketch for your DWTS finale week; and you could of course; ask me to come on and host the sketch. I’m a comedian and actor, and I promise you I’m quite funny.

I suppose I should review this week’s show now. That is, after all, the purpose of my Reviews … to actually … ya know… review something.

So let’s begin. This Week was UNPLUGGED Week: Acoustic Music with the focus on the Rumba and the Argentine Tango. The judges gave two sets of scores: one for technical and one for performance. The stage was round …like a record Baby, right round, round round …. (I apoligize. I am a child of the 1980′s. Sometimes I just go into one-hit wonder song lyrics. It just happens. I’m in therapy for this. )

1. Kurt Warner / Anna Trebunskaya:

Christian Kurt felt awkward touching another woman during the rehearsals for their Rumba; so he had his wife show up and give her permission on national t.v. that it was okay for him to touch someone’s hips. Then Kurt’s wife left and placed Kurt’s balls back in the jar on their living room entertainment center. After this, Kurt and Anna danced mediocre to a terrible version of Train’s Drops of Jupitor. Judges Technical Scores: 5/5/5 Performance: 7/6/6

2. Brandy / Maks Chmerkovskiy:

Another Rumba. Maks tried to show Brandy romance by taking her out and giving her chocolates and roses. Brandy, being the bitch that she is, still found a way to complain and find fault, and made fun of Maks because he didn’t give them to her in the correct way that made her feel special. Then this couple of moody loons somehow got their crap together and danced an absolutely gorgeous dance that resembled floating white clouds on air. Really beautiful. Judges Technical Scores: 7/8/7 Performance: 9/8/9

NOTE: Since when does Judge Carrie Anne Inaba have a giant black mole above her lip? Has that always been there, or is she going all Cindy Crawford on us? Very odd.

3. Rick “The Sweat-Monster” Fox / Cheryl Burke:

Argentine Tango. During rehearsals, the SweatMonster is all wet in the face as he worries about dropping Cheryl off of the raised, round stage. But nothing to fear as the two pull it off, with a nice mix of some complicated lifts and movements. The scariest part was Rick’s weird pencil-thin fake moustache. Judges Technical Scores: 6/7/6 Performance: 6/7/7

4. Kyle Massey / Lacey Schwimmer:

This Disney dork Kyle looked very out of place and bizarre trying to do this very sexy dance. First off, he is a child. Second, he is about the most unsexy thing on earth. Their song choice was extremely annoying, and her costume made her look like a giant stick of cotton candy. I must say they do have chemistry and always look like they are having tons of fun. Technical Scores: 6/6/6 Performance: 8/7/7

5. Mike “The Pointless Douchebag” Sorrentino / Karina Smirnoff:

In their Argentine Tango, The Douchebag used this week’s dance to “finally” (as horny Carrie Anne put it) show off his dumb abs. The result? Bruno called it awful, and Len said it was “consistant …consistantly bad throughout.” Judges Technical: 4/4/4 Performance: 6/5/5

NOTE: When dumb-as-a-rock Brooke Burke asked the SAME question she ALWAYS asks after the scores are revealed, (How does that feel?) The Pointless Douchebag actually said: “Well that is definately a SITUATION!” At that moment, I wanted a giant safe to fall from the sky on top of them both.

6. Florence Henderson / Corky Ballas:

This “sexy” rumba was hilarious from beginning to end. Lots of bumping and grinding, sultry and inappropriate moves, and just general chaos. It was sort of like watching “Sex Night At the Nursing Home” – if there were such a thing. (Please tell me there isn’t.) Florence is ballsy, and very funny. Sure, her body moves kind of like a non-bending robot and her hips stopped functioning somewhere during A Very Brady Christmas – but she gets an A for effort in my book. She is so endearing. It’s going to be a shame to see her go. Judges Technical Scores: 6/6/5 Performance: 6/6/6

7. Jennifer Grey / Derek Hough:

Their Argentine Tango was, by miles, the dance of the night. Quick-paced, sexy, tight, and with perfect footing and movement – they had everything and more. As soon as they got about 20 seconds into it, I knew we were about to see the first 10′s of the season. Jennifer Grey is just incredible to watch. I love her. As does her good friend, Jamie Lee Curtis, who was once again shown in the audience. During the commercial, I am sure she ran out for another yogurt poop. Come on. You know you are thinking it too. Judges Technical: 9/9/9 Performance: 10/9/10

8. Bristol Palin / Mark Ballas:

Hey guess what? Bristol Palin is a great mommy! Did you know that? And she has a great, wonderful family and a mother who is so proud of her. How do I know all this? Well, because AGAIN, we got to see “home” scenes of Bristol – feeding her baby and spending time with him – then going into this highly suggestive, sensual Rumba. Bruno called Bristol “vacant” – which is the perfect term for her. She looks dead in the eyes, and her body always looks as if it is being forcibly dragged across the floor. Mark took his shirt off during this dance, and Carrie Anne got all flushed once again. This woman really needs a man – stat! Technical Scores: 6/6/6 Performance: 4/5/5

NOTE: When Brooke Burke asked the SAME question once again of “How does that feel?” – of the judges low scores – Mark said “That blows” and Bristol said “That really sucks.” It was sort of funny. If she could show even half that much personality on the dance floor as off of it, she would do a lot better.

9. Audrina Patridge / Tony Dovolani:

Speaking of vacant … Audrina has to be the most boring, zero personality person on this show. Maybe ever. She is also very shallow. When her pro-partner Tony was trying to teach her about having actual EMOTION and playing characters in the dances by making expressions with your face, her only concern was “but I’m gonna get wrinkles squinting like that.” Fine then. Continue on in life with your zero expression and dead, vacant eyes. As for their dance, it was good, but once again, I find it hard to care about this person. She bothers me. Judges Technical Scores: 8/8/8 Performance: 8/7/7

Who Should Have Gone Home: Brooke Burke, for asking ONE question the entire night (How does that feel?), even when it didn’t make any sense to ask it. Before Audrina and Tony got their scores, Burke excitedly said: “So how does it FEEL to beat Jennifer’s scores? …. I mean… if you DID beat her … we don’t know that yet … you might not have …”

Who DID Go Home: Mike “The Pointless Douchebag” Sorrentino. Yes. The Situation is that he went home. The Situation is that he was a terrible dancer, and now, he will have to find some other way to continue out his 15 minutes of pointless fame from being named The Situation, and saying the phrase “The Situation” over and over again. Seriously, when this guy dies, is it going to say: “The Situation” on his gravestone? I hope so. And then Brooke Burke can stand over his grave and ask: “So …The Situation … You are dead. How does that feel?”

Don’t forget our pact, Tom. Now each time you say “LIIIVEEEE!!!!”, I will know you are sending out a secret message, especially for me. Thank you.

For another take on Round 4 of Dancing With The Stars, read Liz Cooper‘s review here.

Season 11, Week 4: Round 4 Performances and Results Show (originally aired October 11 and 12, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey.