Review: Tommy Can You Hear Me? Week 6 is “Rockin” on “Dancing With the Stars”

“Tommy (Bergeron), can you hear me? Tommy, can you see me? Tommy, can you feel me?” Okay, that last line was just creepy. I take that one back. But not the others. The other song lyrics from The Who  shall remain, in a vain and sad attempt by me to reconnect with Mr. Bergeron. What better time than rock and roll week on Dancing With the Stars to rekindle that ole flame between genius TV host and his delusional stalker? What can I say Tom – I am desperate. You did not leave a comment on last week’s review, and, unless I was imagining things, you did not deliver your usual “LIIVVEEE!!!!” yelp at the beginning of the show either. Since we all know that is your special private message to me, I am feeling a bit snubbed.

But enough about me and Tom. Tom and I. There is rock and roll to get to! Well, if you consider dudes that look like they’re from 1987 playing electric guitar atop a stage filled with constant exploding flames and a weird Hollywood Squares looking set … rock and roll. Apparently this is DWTS bizarre version of rock and roll, so hey, let’s just go with it.

1. Audrina / Tony:

Danced a Paso Doble to Another One Bites the Dust. Very strange all around. Didn’t seem to make much sense. The dancing didn’t match the music at all; which didn’t match the costumes at all; which didn’t match their characters. Wait, let me rephrase that. Audrina has no “characters” since she is not capable of human expression or acting. If she was playing the part of a mannequin with possessed glossy eyes, she would be a genius. But that is not what is happening here, and she is the furthest thing from genius. Speaking of genius, Brooke Burke standing next to Audrina  during the post-interview was very humorous. I caught a glimpse of Brooke’s balloon boobs, and then noticed the skin around the fake boobs of Audrina starting to look like it was melting. Deflating. Suffice it to say, her boobs have more personality than her. At least they change shape; her eyes remain glossed over. As you can see, I am not capable of liking this chick at all, nor of being fair to her. She annoys me. The judges disagree. Scores: 8/8/8

2. Kyle / Lacey:

Dancing a Tango, these two always seem to have weird distracting costumes. No dumpy pants this week, but instead we got giant bizarre shoulder pad thingys that cannot be explained, but looked totally in the way. Other than that, they did well, and seemed much improved overall. A very good energy. The judges loved them so much, that Bruno even did his thing where he stands up and moves his hands all over the place out of pure excitement. I love it when Bruno can’t stay seated. Scores: 8/7/8

3.  Jennifer / Derek:

Paso Doble. I liked this dance. True, it was not their strongest and they falted a tiny bit at the very end, but it was still very good. Filled with intensity, energy, and quick tough movements, the dance seemed challenging and fun. Jennifer is everything that Audrina is not. She has wonderful expression in her eyes, and that radiates all the way down to her toes. When they were finished, the judges acted as if they had just commited a violent murder upon their families. They were WAY too harsh with them, especially horny Carrie Anne, who called Jennifer “out of control” and told her that she is going “downhill” on the show. WHAT? Is this woman serious? How about throwing a little …just a LITTLE…bit of that random anger Brisol Palin’s way? I realize they expect a lot of Jen because she is very good, but c’mon. Carrie Anne’s scores were MUCH too low for what was essentially an above average dance with one minor hiccup. Scores: 6/7/7

NOTE: During the post -interview, Burke tried to put down her stupid index cards with her lines on them for a minute, and failed miserably. Derek started to say something about Jennifer to the effect of “I was surprised that she ….” , and Burke chimed in with, ” she failed you?” … awkward silence. Ummm, no, you idiot. Please dont ever improvise again. Read your dumb cue cards and keep asking everyone “How does that feel?” over and over. Its okay. Your role is to look pretty in way too tight dresses.

4. Rick / Cheryl:

During the rehearsal footage for their Tango, Rick The Sweatmonster reached a whole new level of sweaty. It was just dripping off of him in every scene of that montage clip. Holy Sweatdrops! I believe at one point I saw sweat coming out of his eyeballs and earlobes. That man can SWEAT! Great song choice of Van Halen’s You Got Me - but again, the music didnt seem to go with their movements at all. Still, I did like their dance, and my husband’s affair with Cheryl Burke (in his mind) continues. Scores: 8/8/8

5. Bristol / Mark:

In the rehearsals for this Tango, they made a VERY big deal about putting a fun “air guitar” section into the number. Then, when they actually did it, it was literally about 2 seconds long. If you blinked, you missed it. That was it? Okay then. That being said, this was probably Bristol’s strongest dance yet. I didn’t love it by any means, and I still think she looks like a sausage stuffed into its casing and being dragged across a skillet against her will … but it sure as hell beats last week’s monkey suit. Scores: 8/7/8

6. Kurt / Anna:

Paso Doble to Europe’s The Final Countdown - a truly horrible song. Rocker Brett Michaels showed up during their rehearsal week footage to “help” Kurt become more of a rock-star (but really, to help promote his own new reality show, of course). In the final performance though, Kurt’s weird expressions made him look more like a crazed serial killer. Cranky Len put it best: “You looked awkward doing it, I felt awkward watching it…” Scores: 6/6/6

NOTE: After receiving three low scores of 6′s, dumb Brooke Burke asked her same sad-ass question: “You just got 6′s. How does that feel?” , and Kurt said “Well, obviously, it doesn’t feel good.” You could SO tell he WANTED to say “Well OBVIOUSLY it doesnt feel good… you moron! What kind of question is that?” but of course, he was hypnotized by her balloon boobs and way too tight dress.

7. Brandy / Maksim:

Sigh. During rehearsals for their Tango, overdramatic “pay attention to me” Brandy started crying for no apparent reason and left the room in an emotional huff. After her pointless drama ended, they performed to Bonnie Tyler’s I Need A Hero (which, by the way, is NOT rock and roll, it’s pop music. But whatever. ) The dance was good. Maybe a bit better than good. Yet in another TOTAL overreaction, the judges treated Brandy as if she had just landed on the moon. Len called it the “dance of the night!”, and horny Carrie Anne spewed out some B.S. about how sometimes on this show, “we get to see someone really develop their wings and FLY!” Seriously? OH PLEASE!!! Brooke Burke asked “how does that feel?” after they got their way too high scores: 8/9/9

The show ended this week with a “Rock N Roll Marathon” in which all pairs started out on the dance floor doing famous dances like the twist, the lindy hop, etc – and one by one, they were tapped on the shoulder and asked to leave the dance floor, leaving the strongest couple standing as the winner. The prize for this? Lots of points added to your overall score, which I’m still convinced means absolutely nothing anyway. If it did, Bristol Palin would be gone by now.

Anyway, guess who won the contest? BRANDY!!! Yippee! At this point, I am not sure what will piss me off more: Palin winning the show, or Brandy winning the show. Either way – yuck.

Who Should Have Gone Home: Probably Kurt.

Who DID Go Home: Audrina!!! This was actually quite shocking. First of all, the bottom two were Audrina and Jennifer! Absolutely ridiculous. The judges were angry because they felt neither of them deserved to be there, and horny Carrie Anne tried to backpeddle on her harsh comments to Jennifer the night before. Too late! I do not like Audrina – her face and lack of personality bothers me – but she is a good dancer and definately should not have gone home. I guess it’s back to The Hills for you, lady. How does that feel?

Season 11, Week 6: Round 6 Performances and Results Show (originally aired October 25 and 26, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c, Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey.

Follow Poptimal on Twitter!