The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Back With A Bang

Now, these are the housewives that I know and love and love to hate. The ones who get CRAZY after about two minutes, and this season’s premiere of The Real Housewives of Atlanta was nothing out of the ordinary. What have the ladies been up to since we last saw them, you ask?

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

SHE by Sheree is no longer. Sheree has moved on to acting. She said that her fashion has only been put on hold….for a second, i.e. someone finally convinced her that she’s not the second coming of Vera Wang. And, she smartly listened. Since Vogue is unattainable, it’s on to the Oscars! The biggest problem for Sheree, this week, was her disintegrating relationship with Dwight. In my opinion, everyone talked a lot of smack behind each other’s backs last every season, so they may have never really been friends. Still, it’s hard to believe that any semblance of a friendship can be salvaged after Dwight telling the whole world that he spent $30,000 on Sheree’s fashion show last season, and Sheree has yet to give him a dime or a thank you gift. Not only is that a lot of money, but if true, it’s completely embarrassing to admit. Rewind to that runway show. That would be a lot of money very, very wasted.

But Sheree wasn’t the only one raring to get into a catfight with Dwight. You’d think out of everyone, Dwight would be running straight to Nene so they could jointly vent about mean SHEra, but for once, Nene and Sheree were on the same team. And low and behold, Kim and Nene also kissed and made up. Kim told Nene that Dwight said Greg, Nene’s husband, borrowed $10,000 and also has yet to pay it back. So already, Dwight’s forked out $40,000 on his “friends” in the past year. Something smells fishy to me, but who knows when everyone appears to be a potential fame mongering liar. That Nene heard this gossip from Kim, coupled with the fact that Dwight is supposed to be her friend and should have gone to her first, was visibly crushing to the normally tough cookie. However, there were also problems with her marriage. Greg’s no longer the breadwinner, spending more time around the house with nothing to do and possibly plotting lies. The love is just not there anymore, folks. I’m so desensitized to this Real Housewives phenomenon at this point. It’s another marital casualty of reality television. Sigh.

Luckily, Dwight has conveniently made a new friend. You know that he’s no housewife and, therefore, has no purpose being on the show unless he’s the fab, gay buddy to one of our nutty wives. This season, he’s latched onto newbie Phaedra who’s an entertainment attorney. Anyone not involved with music, fashion or housework impresses me when it comes to The Real Housewives of… series. She’s successful in the South and has represented some high-profile celebrities. Oh, and she’s married to an ex-con named Apollo, who served 5 years for racketeering. She likens him to Martha Stewart which makes it all okay in her eyes. Still, the irony is so poetic, it kind of just makes me like her more. She’s also pregnant, clearly wears the pants in the relationship (“He signed a prenup, so I knooow he doesn’t want my money.”) and doesn’t seem like she will care one bit what the other housewives think. This will only drive them crazy. More madness will ensue. I’m giddy with excitement.

Kandi has taken over Lisa Wu-Hartwell’s role as the most boring housewife. The woman has nothing to be ashamed about. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It mostly means that she is the most normal one. She’s the level-headed one. She focuses on her real music career and dates real people, not ones that can’t come into the light because they’re actually married. ::Big Papa::cough::Big Papa::  She’s not COO-COO BANANAS! But seriously, her fiancé just died a little over a year ago, and she is taking it slow when it comes to dating. Actually, not slow. She has a new man friend and is all about getting to know each other. But red light. Stop sign. Put the brakes on anything sexual because she’s officially celibate. This doesn’t appear to be a life choice but more about bragging rights with a friend over who can refrain from sex the longest. At least, Kandi’s new boyfriend was relieved to hear her answer to his very important question. “Is oral sex eliminated?” “No.” “That’s cool.”

Kim has some sexual issues to deal with too. Though, this time it had nothing to do with her lesbian lover DJ Tracy Young that she blabbed about to Life & Style (even though she told everyone she didn’t want to talk to the press at all about it) or Big Papa and his still married self. In fact, Brielle is growing up. She’s now thirteen, crushing on a French exchange student and has made it to first base. Kim wants her to forget about him because he’s going back to France eventually, Zolciaks don’t chase men and if all she cares about is his looks, then she’s being superficial. HA! To see Kim parent is hysterical, so much so that her daughter is also cracking up the entire time. Me and you Brielle, we’re seeing eye to eye in this moment.

ALL TOGETHER NOW

It wouldn’t be Atlanta if everyone didn’t get together for some fabulous party. This time it was a not-so fabulous shoe show, where Sheree was underwhelmed by what was on display, and Nene was underwhelmed by Phaedra’s level of fabulosity. These minor annoyances were nothing compared to the sight of Dwight. Nene was cordial at first, but the minute she started explaining to Dwight how she was wronged, Nene lost it, got in his face and started screaming…in front of everyone. She handed him a check for $500, the amount Greg actually admitted to sort of owing Dwight, but Dwight ripped it up and tossed it in the air like confetti. Nene screamed for Dwight to get his hands off of her as he tried to reach for her arms or hands.  No one even stepped in to try and really de-escalate the situation. Thank you! But all good times must end, and Nene and company left the party, leaving Dwight to apologize for the brouhaha.

Yes, folks. All this and we’re only on episode one. We didn’t even get to meet the other new housewife Cynthia Bailey. (Clearly, she might truthfully be the next Lisa.) I can’t wait to see all the makeups and breakups bound to happen over and over again this season.

THIS WEEK’S QUOTABLES: KIM-ISMS

“I don’t believe love has a gender.”

“As long as she’s not choking me I’m fine.”

“I hope I instilled the same morals and values that my parents instilled in me.”

“Her and I got into this big argument, and then she strangled me. When she did that, I was so upset. It was killing me, and I was like, Kim you can’t do this to yourself. So I had to just forgive her.” – Showing signs of something that looks awfully like battered woman syndrome

Season 3, Episode 1: New Attitude (originally aired October 4, 2010)

For more on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, click here.

Mondays at 9pm on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Bravo and Quantrell Colbert.