"Dancing With the Stars" Review: Instant Dance is Instant Hit As Competition Gets Tighter

This week’s Dancing With the Stars offered yet another new format to keep us guessing: Classic Ballroom and something called “Instant Dance.” What is this instant dance, you ask? Well, it’s another made-up thing that DWTS came up with in order to keep it’s audience watching; and to fill the two hour time slot as the pairs are quickly disappearing out of the GlitterDome and back into the real world. Except for Brisol Palin, of course. She will never go away. She could come out there and literally stand in place; and the audience would still keep her on the show. And the judges would give her scores of 7′s across the board and call her “brave” one more time. But I digress.

After a couple of weeks of neglecting his duties, my favorite host of all time Mr. Tommy Bergeron (I call him Tommy) came back full force this week with his famous ”LIVVVVEEEEEE!!!!!” call at the opening of the show – which we all know by now is a secret message shout-out to me. So thank you Tommy. I feel the same about you.

Back to the program. This week we once again had two rounds of dancing on the show.  The first round was Classic Ballroom. After the pairs finished their first round dances and got their scores, they chose a random song out of a disco ball bowl backstage that they had never seen before, and had only about 20 minutes or so to rehearse their routines to their new songs. Hence, the title “Instant Dance.” While it could have been a trainwreck, it actually offered up some of the best, most fun dances we have seen all season long, and was an absolute blast to watch. Let’s get to the action …

1. Kyle / Lacey:

Round One: Viennesse Waltz. First of all, what the hell did Disneyboy’s t-shirt say during the rehearsal footage, that was so awful or inappropriate that it needed to be blacked out for the cameras? I am totally curious. This dance offered yet another awful costume choice for Lacey that gave her “dumpy butt”, and some much improved movement on Disneyboy’s end. Horny Carrie Anne practically jumped out of her seat to reclaim her “crush” on this little boy once again. Costumes were a huge fail, dance was well done. Scores: 9/9/9

Round Two:  The pair received the song Good Golly Miss Molly, and danced the Jive to it after only 20 minutes of rehearsal. I have to say this dance was A TOTAL BLAST!!! Wow! Disneyboy can move! I wanted to watch them dance this again and again, it was that much fun. One of the best dances of the season. Scores: 10/9/10

NOTE: Brooke Burke’s stock question: “How do you feel?” was asked right away here with the very first couple, and she continued to ask this question at least 4 or more times during the show. I think we should start a new drinking game: whenever Burke asks “How do you feel?” you must drink. Seriously, get a new question.

2. Jennifer / Derek:

Round One: Danced the Quickstep. Rehearsal footage showed Jen having tendinitis in her knee, and the doctor telling her she might have to stop dancing. Can I just say this happens every single season? EVERY year, at least one person gets an injury, has the doctor visit, the dramatic music, and has to make that “Rocky” -like decision of whether to quit … or keep on climbin that mountain and DANCE through the pain!!! (Cue Rocky theme) I think we all know what Jen decided. Their dance was elegant, beautiful, and, like Bruno said, “vintage classic.” Scores: 9/9/9

Round Two: The pair did a Rumba to Foreigner’s I’ve Been Waiting. In a word? Perfection. Seriously. There was a leg lift in there where Jen held her leg for a few seconds over Derek’s shoulder, that was so impressive and gorgeous, I nearly wept. Okay, I didn’t weep, but my husband forgot all about his obsession with Cheryl Burke for a moment and jumped on the Jen train, exclaiming simply: “She’s hot!” Yes, yes she is. The judges agreed with perfect ten scores: 10/10/10

NOTE: Burke again asked “How do you feel?” They just got perfect tens. How the hell do you THINK they feel??? Really? Also, during Jen’s dance and during the scores, the camera panned to good ole Jamie Lee Curtis about a thousand times, as she once again watched her friend from the audience. I can’t help it, but I keep wondering if during commercial breaks, Jamie Lee sprints to the bathroom for her yogurt poops. I know. It is sooo immature. But this is all I see now whenever I see this woman. Poop yogurt.

3. Kurt / Anna:

Round One: Waltz. Very graceful, quite lovely, and overall well done. Scores: 8/8/8

Round Two: In order to make Kurt get sillier and loosen up more, the producers brought in his kids to watch them rehearse and give them scores. Holy GlitterDome!!! How many freakin kids does this guy have? The door opens and about 97 kids came through it, all cheering on their dad. Did it help? A little. Their Cha-Cha to Hella Good was satisfactory, but Kurt has some weirdass facial expressions going on when he dances. Horny “I need a man” Carrie Anne called it “sex appeal” – but I didn’t see that at all. In fact, he looked very effeminate in his shirt and with those silly, smiley musical-theatre looks he was giving. He is just a total cheeseball. Scores: 8/8/8

NOTE: After their Instant Dance number, this dialogue happened:

Tom Bergeron: I’m guessing this isn’t the last we have seen of the Instant Dance on this show. I have a feeling we will be seeing lots more of this!

Cut to Brooke Burke: I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot more of the Instant Dance, Tom!

Gee, ya think??? HE JUST SAID THAT!!! Is there an echo in here? I think those dresses are getting a bit too tight and interfering with Burke’s brain cells. Somebody check on that. Thanks.

4. Bristol / Mark:

Round One: This couple’s rehearsal footage brought yet MORE of Sarah Palin; this time she visits them in the studio with Todd (who seems to have the personality of a doorknob) to watch them dance and tell Bristol AGAIN how proud she is of her. AHHHH!!! Enough already! We get it! You are proud of your little girl, who has a little boy and yet is an “Activist” for Teen Pregnancy … Prevention. You are pushing your new reality show and your wonderful family by pushing yourself on us every chance you get on this silly dance show, because that’s harmless, right? Americans will love Bristol, and they will slowly learn to love good ‘ole Sarah again, too! Right? Wrong! Actually, it seems to be working, since Bristol is by far the weakest dancer and is not only still on the show, but isn’t even in the bottom two week after week. Much stronger dancers are going home, and yet she remains. Somebody please make it stop! Anyway, after having to stomach yet another Sarah Palin visit to the show, the dance itself was much improved for Bristol. She even seemed to have SOMEWHAT of an expression on her face this time around. Well, for HER, it was expressive. Her eyes were a tiny less bit dead. That’s about the best I can do here for honest compliments. How does that feel? Scores: 8/8/8

Round Two: The Samba, to a song called “Mosquenada.” No idea if I spelled that right. Never heard of it, and neither had they. As they danced, it occured to me that Bristol looks like Big Bird from Sesame Street. She always looks so much bigger than Mark, and then those expressionless eyes and her open mouth make her look Muppet-like. This instant dance really showed her inability to improvise to music, and her total lack of musicality. It was off the beat, the timing was bad, and you could totally see her counting in her head. The judges, of course, treated her like she is made of glass, and scored her way too high once again. Scores: 7/8/8

5. Brandy / Maksim:

Round One: The Waltz. So if Bristol Palin is the poster child for expressionless people, Brandy is the epitomy of overdramatic, too much expression. Every single second of all of her dances, her face looks strained with expression, like she is seconds away from dramatic tears or heart palpatations. And whenever she finishes her routines, she gives that “YES! I am THE BEST! I did it! Applaud me!” look, like she just invented electricity. She is a very good dancer and mover, but she drives me insane with her vanity, conceitedness, and general overdramatic nature. Everything she does bothers me. Judges like her though, so what can I say? Scores: 9/10/10

Round Two: Dancing the Cha-cha to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream“, the pair did a great job with combining movement and character. During the judging, an overdramatic, stupid discussion took place between Judge Carrie Anne and Maksim; where Carrie Anne was angry at Maksim’s choreography because they didn’t actually start “dancing” until a few beats into the song. When Carrie Anne asked why they waited a few beats to move, Maksim replied defensively with: “Relax, don’t worry about it.” Then Carrie Anne continued to harp on this very small detail, and wouldn’t shut the hell up about it. Backstage, the tension escalated further when Maksim told Burke he feels like the pro dancers aren’t being appreciated for working their asses off in the competition and on the show. He has a point. I am not sure whose side to take here though, because quite frankly, Carrie Anne was making a HUGE deal about NOTHING – but Maksim seems like a giant pain in the ass, generally speaking. So, they are both morons. How does that feel?


Who Should Have Gone Home: Do I even need to say it? BRISTOL THE PISTOL!!! Or Kurt, but the fact that Bristol is never in the bottom two is frightening, because it means she could actually win this whole show.

Who DID Go Home: Kurt Warner. He was definitely one of the weakest. It was time.

There are only four couples left, and this is usually when the competition shines it’s brightest. I look forward to the “freestyle” dance numbers, along with the other fun things I am sure the show has in store for the semi-finals, finals, and the big finale episode.

One more thing: these commercials I keep seeing for the new “spin-off show” Skating With the Stars are making me nuts. This show looks .. well … awful. I actually feel embarassed each time I see these ads that play during DWTS. Talk about stealing an idea! There is no way this show can match the brilliant cheese-factor and popularity of DWTS. We have Tom Bergeron! Who is your host? Wink Martendale? It’s just not gonna work. Sorry. The only fun part of watching that would be seeing some stars fall on their asses – but even THAT isn’t fun, because I have literally NEVER heard of these people before! If you thought DWTS gets D-list celebs, wait til you see the lineup of nobody’s for this ice-fail. It is quite hilarious.

Season 11, Week 8: Round  Performances and Results Show (originally aired November 9 and 10, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c, Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey

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