Review: On Election Day, America Votes Red into the House and at the GlitterDome: “Dancing With the Stars” Celebrates 200 Episodes …

On Tuesday, Republicans took over the House of Representatives, and a lot of Democrats got the ‘ole boot. But hey, at least we can feel good as Americans that the people made the right decision and finally voted off Bristol “OverStayed My Welcome” Palin on Dancing With the Stars. Wait … She is STILL there??? Well DAMMIT!

More on that monstrosity later. This week, DWTS celebrated its 200th episode with all the fanfare, glitter and cheese that we should by now expect on this show. After a pro-dance opening number and many audience shots of random celebs and past cast members who came back to join in the fun (Seriously Jamie Lee Curtis – we get that you enjoy the show – but to be there live EVERY week? Really? Don’t you have anything to do?), the brilliant Tom Bergeron introduced the new, fun format to fit the special occasion. There would be two rounds of dancing and scoring this week. Round One featured the dancers broken up into two groups, each led by a team captain/past winner of the show. Round Two asked the pairs to reinterpret /re-do a classic favorite dance from a past season and then be judged by the star who made that dance famous. (The star was added to the panel as a 4th judge just for this round.)

So let’s get to the fun …

ROUND ONE:

Team Kristi:

Led by Season 6 Champion Kristi Yamaguchi, this team’s pairs included Rick and Cheryl, Bristol and Mark, and Kyle and Lacey. They were referred to as the underdogs of the two teams, but their group dance was super fun and surprisingly in-sync. This group hit the dance floor to a Michael Jackson tune with tons of energy and “oomph.” I absolutely loved their costumes, and I think the brightness and uniformity of the pink dresses the women wore went a long way in making the dance look extra tight. Judges’ Scores: 8/8/8

NOTE: In another classic Brooke Burke “DUH!” moment, team captain Kristi Yamaguchi gave her dancers a shout-out of “Great job, you guys!” – immediately followed by Burke shouting “Great job, you guys!” She JUST said that, you dope! Is there an echo in here?

Team Apolo:

Led by Season 5 Champion Apolo Anton Ohno, this team was comprised of Kurt and Anna, Brandy and Maksim, and Jennifer and Derek. They chose to borrow a bit from a past routine of Ohno’s to Young MC’s Bust A Move. Although Ohno’s team had great energy and fantastic moves, I actually preferred Kristi’s group over this one. This dance was excellent technically, but just seemed to be lacking something. That being said, both teams were a blast to watch and the judges felt this one was a bit stronger. Scores: 9/9/9

ROUND TWO:

1.  Kyle/Lacey:

This pair had to reinterpret a Paso Doble made famous and judged by Mel B. I will say that even though Kyle always looks like he is about to poop his pants to me (no matter what they dress him in, he has dumpy butt and so does Lacey), this was by far one of his best performances. That being said, he is still on the weaker end of the people who are now left in the competition. Judges’ Scores: 10/9/8/8

NOTE: The 10 came from Mel B., and you will notice a whole slew of 10s being given out by the “guest judge” on these dances. It is sort of a freebie 10 for everyone, since most of the guest judges figured why not give them the highest score possible? Since Burke is too dimwitted to understand that these 10s are not the same as a 10 from the REAL judges, she kept saying to everyone “Congratulations on the 10!” Oh silly, silly Brooke.

2. Kurt/Anna:

Reinterpreting a past Tango made famous by Emmitt Smith, Kurt once again looked awkward, wooden, and like he was in slow motion to the music. He always has the weirdest, forced look on his face. He looks like a lost puppy who somehow ended up on a dance floor. Really, he should be long gone by now off the show, but since America keeps voting for the most baffling people imaginable, he will probably win the entire show. Scores: 10/8/8/8

3. Bristol/Mark:

These two had to re-invent The Viennese Waltz made famous by Kelly Osbourne, to the beautiful song Trouble. There is just absolutely no way to compare these two dancers. When Kelly was on the show, she was the dark horse because she was VERY talented, but it came out slowly as she progressed and began to like herself more. When she danced to this particular song that season, it was a big emotional moment where you could FEEL how proud her parents Ozzy and Sharon were, as they both had tears in their eyes when she finished. Giving this same song to Bristol Palin is like asking Paris Hilton to reinterpret a Meryl Streep acting performance. It just doesn’t work. In order to reinvent something with that much emotion, you kind of need a soul. I feel like Bristol moves around the dance floor as if being dragged week after week, always with the same DEAD look in her eyes. Yes, I know she is trying and she is doing her best, and she’s not a performer by nature … blah blah blah .. but I am sooo over these judges and the AUDIENCE giving this girl waaay too much credit. Can we all please stop acting like this girl is some big, brave hero? It is incredibly annoying how much these judges pander to her, kiss her ass, and treat her with kid gloves. Horny Carrie Anne told her “when you move, there is something so poetic…” COME ON!!! Are we watching the same person here? It is getting to the point where I am really starting to think that in order to get her on the show, everyone had to agree to “terms” in her contract – including “don’t be a meanie!” Judges’ Scores: 9/8/8/8 (at least Kelly didn’t give her a 10.)

4. Rick/Cheryl:

Dancing to the Quickstep made famous by Helio Castroneves, this was by far one of, if not THE strongest performance so far by Sweatmonster Fox. Although it did not deliver the same punch that Helio gave to the original, Rick and Cheryl’s version was very fun, very high-energy, and included quite a lot of great footwork and movement. This week, Fox tried to bring more personality and fun to the dance. He succeeded, but if you looked at his facial expressions for too long, he started to resemble a psychotic game show host gone mad. Also, his green costume made him look like Mr. Green Jeans. Yes, that was a Captain Kangaroo reference. I’m old. Judges’ Scores: 10/9/9/9

5. Brandy/Maksim:

These two were given a Foxtrot made famous by Gilles Marini. Although the dance itself was pretty excellent, we of COURSE can’t go even one week without some sort of Brandy pointless drama during rehearsal footage. This time, she was babbling on and on about how she has “faced adversities in life,” but that she is strong enough to get through this, blah blah blah. Get through WHAT? The SAME exact process that everyone else on the show is going through? Oh this chick bugs me. And here is the thing: when she finally shuts up, she is a pretty talented dancer. I just cannot STAND how she acts like every little thing she does and says is of life-changing importance. Her personality? Zero. The dance? Hot, sexy, smooth … all that stuff. It even got a 10 from someone other than the guest judge – Len! Judges’ Scores: 9/9/10/9

6. Jennifer/Derek:

Interpreting Drew Lachey’s Tango, Jen and Derek dealt with another emotional breakdown – this time the worry was about how much more Jen’s older, tired body could take. The result was a beautiful, elegant dance with great musicality and flow. She can be a bit of a headcase, but I find her absolutely beautiful to watch. Judges’ Scores: 10/9/9/9

Before we get to the results, I would like to take this time to thank Mr. Tom Bergeron for taking the time to read my reviews, and even comment on them. Even though I have been joking around in these reviews with him, I want to make it clear that I really, sincerely think he is the best host around. On most of these types of reality/contest shows, it is the host that either annoys me to death or turns me off with their phony, forced banter. (Can you say “Seacrest”?) Bergeron is genuinely funny (even if he does steal my jokes), real, and most importantly, knows how to perfectly play the fine line of when to be serious and when to mock yourself. I am happy to be your delusional stalker, Tom. Keep reading.

And now … the Results:

Who Should Have Gone Home: BRISTOL PALIN!!!!! For the 900th week in a row, Bristol Palin should have gone home or at the very least been in the BOTTOM TWO! I am seriously beginning to think that this girl is going to win the whole shebang. Teabaggers, her mom, fans of Alaska … whatever the reason, she is getting tons of votes. It is a travesty, especially when even the judges look mortified to be sending someone like Rick Fox home – when he just had his BEST performance ever.

Who DID Go Home: Rick Fox. And he sweated out of his eyeballs when he found out, too. You have also pissed off my husband, DWTS, who stops watching the show the second that Cheryl Burke is kicked off.

All I know is this: if I have to sit through a Brandy/Bristol Finale on this show, I just might throw myself out a window.

For another opinion on this week’s episodes, check out Dancing with the Stars is Elitist! by Liz Cooper.

Season 11, Week 7: Round 7 Performances and Results Show (originally aired November 1 and 2, 2010)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Mondays at 8/7c, Tuesdays at 9/8c on ABC.

Photographs courtesy of ABC, Adam Larkey.

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