The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Happy X-Rated Mother’s Day

I haven’t exactly been excited by this season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta so far. Things always feel a little weird when a new housewife is introduced into the mix, and this year we had two. They’ve all been spending lots more time one-on-one instead of in a big, rowdy group. And we’ve strayed from watching unknowns in anonymity and to being subjected to ladies cashing in on as much of their 15 minutes of fame as possible. (Yes, I know that Bethenny cashed in on her fame from the start, but at least it bolstered a career she worked really hard for, unlike Ms. Kim with her songs and wigs.)

The ladies had a lot of things to discuss at the Mother’s Day party Cynthia threw for all the housewives. She even invited the pups. Cynthia, then, quickly sequestered them to a little dining nook all on their own so that the moms could celebrate like the really want to…by pretending they don’t actually have kids. Somehow a Mothers’ Day-centric episode, spent mostly talking a little too frankly about sex with a Grandmother at the table, felt just plain wrong. But let’s go back to the beginning.

Kandi invited Kim onto her webcast Kandi Koated Nights. She summarized it as “a little bit of Dr. Ruth, Sue Johanson, mixed with Howard Stern and The View.” This week they discussed “beef curtains.” Please google it because explaining it sort of makes me want to puke in my mouth. Still, the show is a fun idea. Kandi figured that one year without sex would mean, at the least, she could talk about it. Things got interesting when the topic of cheating came up. Kandi considers Kim a cheater because she put herself in a cheating relationship with Big Papa. Kim, on the other hand, felt that since Papa wasn’t in a happy marriage and his wife and kids lived in LA while he stayed in Atlanta, this equaled no cheating. I would have loved a full out debate on this issue.

We then caught up with Cynthia and Nene. After Nene’s post-surgery follow-up, the two caught up over some champagne. Nene lamented about how she’d given her 20s and 30s to someone that she’d stayed so devoted too. Cynthia asked about the D word, and Nene entertained the idea that if things don’t get better, she would definitely start over.

Sheree was having a little more luck in the love department (that’s relative) when Tiy-E invited her over to his friend’s house for a home-cooked meal. This was the first of his mistakes. Sheree is a five star restaurant kind of girl. This also proved that the “bicoastal” doctor didn’t have his own digs in Atlanta. He proceeded to force her to help cook dinner by slicing strawberries. (The nerve of that man!) Soon, things got a little strange when he shoved his fingers in her face and pushed her to lick unbaked, homemade cookie dough off his finger. He shouted “Miracle on 24^th” street when she finally did – a completely different story. I did laugh every time she rolled her eyes when he said they’d be prepping something together. Unfortunately, he continued to do a lot of forcing. Take off my shirt. Tell me I’m built. Toast to kissing me before the end of the night. This can’t end well.

There was a lot of unclothing this week. Nene and Cynthia went bra shopping. Cheers to Nene’s confidence. Even next to a model, she let it all hang out. Over at Kandi’s, she unearthed her inner stage mom. I was surprised. I think lots of artist hope their kids want something different because they know how hard of a road it could be. Still, Riley’s 7-year old voice hasn’t even settled yet, and Kandi’s claiming that she’s  such a star on the inside. How adorable was Riley when she said, “I’m only seven. Can we do this later?” Things got serious when Kandi told Riley that her absentee dad’s mother had passed away. Riley did not want to re-establish a relationship with her father, and she just missed AJ. I almost cried. Later when Kandi brought this up to her mother, she broke down because she also had a similar childhood. I wasn’t a fan of Kandi’s mom last season (with her dislike of AJ), but she gave her daughter some good advice. With a strong mama and grandmamma in Riley’s life, everything would turn out alright.

But enough of the serious stuff. Let’s get to the paaaartay. Things began harmlessly enough but quickly turned to more explicit talk when Kandi was asked about her raunchy webcast. (What happened to the frilly sanctity of Mommy Day!) There was talk of putting sugar down under because the stickiness…ugh…I can’t even go on. (I have to be honest. Women do talk this openly. No, not every woman does THAAAAT!) Kandi even brought her mother into it, talking about how she’d been on her show and that she even promised her own mother a dildo. I second Nene’s assertion that mom and dildo in the same sentence is just plain wrong.

But things went from weird to worse when Phaedra couldn’t explain how far along she was or when she was due to give birth. How do you misplace the time when you became pregnant? How does your own doctor not have the power to help you figure it out? Something is pickle-y here. (What? I didn’t mention that Phaedra’s pregnancy photo shoot centered on her and Apollo eating pickles. He’ll never live that one down.) Then, Peter, the man I loved last week and Cynthia could see herself possibly, maybe marrying, turned into something completely alien. He even garnered the Cynthia stink eye, a new sight to behold. (She’s quickly becoming my new fav!) She had told him not to bring up Nene’s marriage, and he agreed that he had no business in it. But when Nene said that she wasn’t very sexual and sex wasn’t an important component of her relationship, he couldn’t resist telling her his opinion, that the sexlessness was probably the problem. What a piggish, disgusting thing to do, and in front of everyone, and a grandma and on Mother’s day. Nene held her own and basically ignored him but couldn’t help expressing how afraid she was about the possible end of her marriage. Again, Mama Burruss stepped up with a hug and some support, saying she wished that she would have left her own marriage earlier when it was bad and not getting better.

Overall, this week had all the elements that I enjoy about the RHo shows. With everyone together, people get weird or offended or sometimes sentimental. I need more laughter, crying and screaming and waaaay less talking on a more consistent basis.

QUOTABLES

“PBS?! She doesn’t have a sex show on PBS?” – Kim to her assistant/friend

“No, I’m good… No beef curtains, bitch. Do you? – Kim

“I want love, but honestly, love ain’t paying no bills” – Sheree

“I don’t like wearing bras because I paid money for my titties to stand up.” – Nene

“Just the whole vision, the thought of my Mom using a dildo, just takes me to… Honey, I need to go to the psychiatric ward.” – Nene

“Listen, I would never put Kool-Aid, candied yams, peppermint candy, pancake syrup, you know, none of those things in my va-jay-jay…that’s crazy!” – Nene

Season 3, Episode 5: Hot Mama’s Day (originally aired November 1, 2010)

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Photographs courtesy of Bravo and Wilford Harewood.

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