Dexter Review: Back to the Drawing Board

Another season of Dexter has come and gone, but unfortunately the legacy of Sunday’s finale pales in comparison to the jaw-dropping developments offered in previous installments. Despite season five’s rough-and-tumble beginnings and fizzling subplots, I had grown fond of Lumen and her budding relationship with Dexter, cheering for their successful vengeance against Jordan Chase and his crew of equally sick puppies. Jonny Lee Miller delivered a competently satisfying villain in the wake of Trinity’s shuddering presence, and I admittedly fell in love with a maturing, mercifully less chirpy Deb over the course of her angsty plight. So, what went wrong?

While I certainly never predicted an out-of-the-blue shocker as gasp-inducing as finding Rita dead in the bathtub, I did prepare myself for something out of left field to at least try and blindside me when I least expected it. Instead, every moment of tension was met with its respective tidy conclusion, each more anti-climactic than the next. With seemingly no season five storyline to continue during season six, Dexter at least has a clean slate to start from, but the jarring lack of continuity may prove both Lumen and Jordan Chase long forgotten before then. Sadly, the fifth season finale clearly had high hopes for itself, opening with the auspicious title, “The Big One.”

Things certainly began as though they were leading up to a grand conclusion, as Dexter is seen furiously packing his kill tools to track down Jordan and the recently re-abducted Lumen. Harry’s back, making sure the emotionally shaken Dexter isn’t acting upon assumptions. Romantic yearning can certainly cloud one’s judgment, and now isn’t the time for sloppy, impulse-driven slip-ups. Dexter admits to Harry that Lumen is someone he can imagine spending his life with, since she’s the only person to see him for who he is and wholly accept it on face value. As he begins to sprint out the door, however, the nanny surprises Dexter with Harrison and the entire Orlando clan, grandparents and all, as they show up to let him know they’ve decided to have Harrison’s birthday party in Miami after all. Surprise! Dexter deftly balances his irritation at being delayed with genuine pleasure to see everyone before essentially blowing them off to continue his hunt.

On the road, he calls Jordan to instigate a conversation hopefully long enough to pick up clues regarding his and Lumen’s whereabouts. Jordan cryptically alludes to Lumen’s relative well-being (“well” as in, not dead) before cutting their chat short, well aware of Dexter’s intentions to track their location. As Jordan also speeds down the road in a race against time, we catch a glimpse of a bound and gagged Lumen furiously kicking her feet against the walls of Jordan’s sleek BMW. She’s stuck in the trunk, naturally, and continues making as much noise as possible while Jordan waits at a red light. A fruit vendor recognizes him and approaches the car as a fan, but instantly grows suspicious as the unmistakable sounds of muffled screams and banging metal emanate from Jordan’s trunk. A master of the stoic poker face, Jordan stares straight ahead at the stoplight, relentlessly willing it to turn, and speeds off at the first flash of green.

Back at Miami Metro, LaGuerta is unexpectedly proving herself helpful to Deb’s requests and offers to issue a stake and notify for the suddenly, unsurprisingly missing Jordan. Deb relays this to Quinn and he points out that their fervent search for Jordan is likely a race with Deb’s theorized vigilantes, and the two couples are probably neck and neck. “Which couple do you think will find him first?” Quinn asks, all but batting his eyelashes – Deb really is more like the guy in their relationship. “Assuming we’re a couple,” he quickly adds. Oh, brother.

Dex arrives at work with the plan to snag a list of Jordan’s various properties to formulate a theory on where he might be taking Lumen. He runs into Deb as she analyzes the torture videos they’d uncovered at Cole’s house. She notices how Cole keeps looking toward the camera at the unseen person behind it, as though he were seeking their approval. Deb’s sure Jordan’s the mystery man calling the shots to his minions as they brutalize these women for pure sport. “He tells people what to do, how to live their lives,” Deb notes, realizing Jordan’s career is a direct mimicry of his sordid extra-curricular activities. Dexter advises her to quit watching this horrifying footage, but Deb insists she has to get to the bottom of the case, if only because she can at least partially relate to what these women went through. “Rudy, my brother,” Dexter thinks to himself, remembering the first season suspense tactic of having the Ice Truck Killer abduct Deb. He’s not the only one who had all but forgotten that happened – thanks for the reminder, writers. “Is this what I do? Curse everybody around me?” Dex wonders.

He quietly lifts the real estate information he’s looking for from a pile of papers behind Deb’s seat (right on top in plain view — how convenient) and ducks into the lab to assess the info. Concluding none of these properties make for a viable kidnapping lair, Harry shows up to remind Dexter to think about Jordan as a person and where he came from. “Jordan Chase wasn’t always Jordan Chase,” Dexter says, slyly reveling in his aha moment. He calls the county records office and asks for a list of properties under the name Eugene Greer. Now we’re getting somewhere. Good looking out, Harry.

Just as things are beginning to look up, LaGuerta makes the announcement that Stan Liddy’s (he’ll always be Robocop to me) body has been discovered and the team needs to investigate the crime scene. The faces of both Dexter and Quinn void themselves of color upon this news, and the two exchange a quick glance before heading out. On the way there, Quinn is discreetly deleting his numerous voicemails from Liddy (ha), while Dexter is likely wondering why he hadn’t taken care of that body sooner. At least, that’s what he should be wondering. Upon viewing the evidence, Batista declares that Liddy’s murderer is likely the person he was spying on, given the amount of surveillance equipment inside the van. Dexter concludes his blood work at lightning quick speed and gets the hell out of there to start searching for Lumen in earnest.

LaGuerta pulls a nearly catatonic Quinn aside and lets him know the cops are already aware of his extensive phone contact with Liddy – in fact, he’s the last person Liddy called before he died. If that weren’t peculiar enough, LaGuerta happens to spot the minuscule drop of Liddy’s blood on Quinn’s shoe (at least something I predicted came true) and he realizes he’s officially in deep shit. LaGuerta looks aghast when Quinn refuses to answer any of her questions without a lawyer present, likely because that makes him look even guiltier than the blood stain does. When Deb figures out Quinn’s in trouble, she asks LaGuerta how serious the implications are. By now, the department has figured out that Quinn’s name is on the request form for the surveillance equipment found in Liddy’s van. Upon this revelation, they’ve proceeded to put him in an interrogation room while he waits for his lawyer. All a quietly agonizing Quinn will admit to Deb is that he didn’t kill Liddy, but he knows it looks like he did. So far, Quinn’s up a creek without the proverbial paddle – will he end up trying to shed light on Dexter’s dark passenger, or will his love for Deb force him to take the fall for Liddy’s murder?

Meanwhile, Jordan has taken Lumen to the old campsite where he and his buddies met Emily Birch 20 years ago. After their, ahem, maiden voyage with her (I know, sorry) they’d apparently kept using the space to conduct their revolting business after Jordan purchased the property upon his success. As if this parallel weren’t patronizingly obvious enough, the name of the camp is River Jordan. Really? Dexter catches wind of the camp and its location, thanks to the county records clerk, and promptly steals a car and hightails it to the compound. How’s that for impulsiveness, Harry? While Jordan terrorizes Lumen with leering facial expressions and slimy quips, all varying degrees of frightening, Dexter careens onto the campsite with such vigor he flips the stolen car and gets into what would realistically be a serious car accident resulting in serious injuries. On TV, however, Dexter merely sees a brief ring of stars circle his head as he staggers out of the vehicle, relatively unharmed but crawling on the ground, and is met with the impeccably polished leather of Jordan Chase’s black oxfords. Uh oh.

Deb receives a tip via the stake and notify out on Jordan that the fruit vendor had called in the suspicious noises he heard from the trunk. I knew that guy would come in handy! As Deb patiently handles their crippling language barrier to decipher his testimony (“Okay, I swear I’m taking f—ing Spanish after this!” she huffs), she finally understands him when he says Jordan had headed in the direction of the camp. Upon this exchange, my ears perk up. Could the speculation that Deb will uncover Dexter’s secret actually come true? Considering Dexter and Lumen are currently at the whim of Jordan inside the camp, they certainly don’t have much time or opportunity to clear the place, and Deb is nipping at their heels.

Currently possessed with the upper hand, Jordan launches into a fervent diatribe to his captive lovebirds, insisting their romantic connection is only a result of their common bond in experiencing traumatic situations. As Jordan lays out Dexter’s elaborate knife kit, he scoffs at its scope. “I look at this, and I think you might have greatness in you,” he admits to Dexter. “But when I look at you, I realize you’re just like the idiots who show up at my seminars: totally lost.”

Jordan almost gets a chance to continue his speech when he notices one of the knives in Dexter’s set is missing. As he whirls his head around, Dexter plunges the blade into the top of Jordan’s foot, rendering him nearly immobile. I admit I had to watch this scene twice to try and catch where Dexter’s amazing sleight of hand had taken place, until I realized he must have concealed the knife under his clothes prior to the car accident. Again, suspension of disbelief is required, considering Dexter managed to avoid stabbing himself, but I digress. With Jordan now impaired, Dexter puts him in the same sleeper hold he used on Cole and he and Lumen promptly tie him up. The moment they’ve been waiting for has finally arrived, and Dexter tells Lumen she should be the one to kill Jordan. Awakened and amused, Jordan howls at the prospect of Dexter and Lumen discussing the proper etiquette in killing someone. Even Dexter has to admit he has a point. Lumen is provoked by Jordan’s claims that she was a significantly weaker person when he had originally abducted her and impulsively stabs him. She immediately displays an expression of both relief and regret, perhaps realizing she hadn’t given herself the chance to say everything she wanted to say to Jordan before she killed him.

By now, Deb’s green convertible has pulled up to the cabin and she begins her descent down the wooden staircase her two vigilantes had breached minutes earlier. She recognizes the makeshift torture chamber from Cole’s videos, and proceeds to discover Jordan Chase’s lifeless corpse strapped to a cot in the next room. Dexter and Lumen are only a few feet away, packing up their tools to prepare for cleanup duty. Just when I joyously conclude the season five finale twist must be Deb’s discovery of Dex and Lumen as the vigilantes, I realize she only has a muddled view of them because A THICK PLASTIC SHEET is hanging from floor to ceiling, masking their identities. Come on! Deb makes her presence known and tells Lumen it’s “a miracle you’ve survived,” before warning them to rid any evidence of their presence because the cops will be there within the hour. And then she disappears. Oh, Deb! How colossally disappointing.

While I’d like to report the rest of the episode provided nothing but satisfying suspense instead of the massive tease we just suffered through, I’m sad to say it all goes downhill from here. Lumen breaks up with Dexter the next morning, having realized her dark passenger had vanished when the last of Jordan Chase’s remains sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic. Knowing she can’t live the rest of her life the way Dexter does, she bids him a tearful adieu and skips town. Dexter smashes a plate in anguish and promises he’ll carry her dark passenger for her. Isn’t that sweet.

Grateful for Deb’s discretion, Dex does her a solid by faking the blood work on Quinn’s shoe and reporting it isn’t Liddy’s. Somehow, this completely exonerates him regardless of the fact his fingerprints are all over the van, his name is on the rental sheet for the surveillance equipment, and he and Liddy had engaged in numerous phone calls in the weeks leading up to his death. Yet there’s Quinn at Harrison’s birthday party, yukking it up with LaGuerta as though he hadn’t just been the number one suspect in the murder of a police officer. All righty, then.

Dexter is back to his disconnected self, having been reduced again to a party of one. As he surveys the crowd of people chatting at his son’s birthday bash, he wonders how people are seemingly able to connect with each other so easily, “as though they don’t know it’s the hardest thing in the world.” The final shot shows Dexter blowing out Harrison’s candle, thinking, “Wishes are for children.”

My palpable sense of disappointment regarding the lack of punch in this season’s finale primarily lies within the scope of wasted opportunity and unacknowledged loose ends. Will no one find Emily Birch’s body and link her to Jordan Chase? How can the Barrel Girls case be considered solved if Jordan, Cole, Boyd and Alex are all still “missing?” Is Quinn really going to get off that easily? What about the stolen car Dexter crashed at the campsite? And talk about a cop-out regarding Lumen’s decision to leave. While logical, I was hoping for a far more dramatic send-off to a character I wouldn’t have minded keeping around. I had considered the possibility Lumen would take the fall for Dexter and end up in prison herself, or even continue her new lifestyle as his partner in crime while Deb kept their secret. Instead, five seasons in, Dexter is still maintaining the same status quo. Here’s hoping season six’s fresh start inspires a little more risk taking and a lot more satisfaction.

Season 5, Episode 12: “The Big One” (Originally aired December 12, 2010)

Sundays at 9pm EST on Showtime.

Photos courtesy of Showtime and ImdbPro

The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Contractually Friends For Life

The drama amped up right in time for the holidays! Thank you, Santa. All I want for Christmas is a little hair pulling. And while no one got physical, things definitely got heated. So what were our Real Housewives of Atlanta up to this week?

Kim, for once, wasn’t at the center of all the drama. Sure, her name might have been, but not once did she have to defend herself or even insert herself into the gossip. I guess, that’ll be saved for next week. (Yippee!) But this week, Kim focused on her new, unreleased single “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing” and the upcoming tour with Kandi. Focusing usually involves serious thought and perseverance, but for Kim, it means complaining, lying around lazily and not paying any attention to her choreographer. Luckily, she dances better than she sings, according to Kim. Maybe she should just stick to eatting pizza while undergoing fat-burning laser treatment. She’s really good at that.

And though Kandi was around, we got no Kandi Koated Nights or gross chitchat about their vajayjay areas. I don’t feel like I missed anything.

Recently, I read an article about Bravo’s Senior Vice President of Programming and Development (how does that fit  on a business card?) Andy Cohen and how he misses the “normal” housewives each show discovered. If there’s one thing he could do without, it would be how some housewives have become stars, very “unreal” in the scheme of things. (What in reality TV still is though?)  In a way, Atlanta epitomizes Andy’s problem. Of course, all these ladies had huge egos coming in, so it’s no surprise that they’re the ones facing some of the biggest changes. This week, Sheree got some big news when the People Store agency called and said they wanted to represent her. Like Nene said, Atlanta’s a small enough city that almost anyone with a name can get representation, but it was definitely a positive move for Sheree. She also agreed to do the “Child Support Man” play for free.  Kandi helped her run lines, and Sheree confessed that Bob Whitfield doesn’t pay child support, so surprising when he gets paid oodles of that Monday Night Football money. But she also confessed it all in a whisper, even though they were alone, and she was miked. That doesn’t really instill me with certainty.

Cynthia, finally, got a little screentime. The newbies have had it rough this season, but at least Phaedra’s four minutes per episode are hilarious and completely ridiculous, making for memorable moments. In fact, I may have been hard on fiancé Peter last week, but he really is the only reason Cynthia’s screen time was promoted from four minutes to 12 minutes this week. It certainly wasn’t her late invitations that did it. She wanted Peter to bury the hatchet with Nene. (She also wanted to go on vacation with herself right after getting married.) But let’s not dwell on that strange fact because things only got stranger. She pulled “some single, black female” stuff when she gave Nene a friendship contract. It was more like an apology wrapped up in a really weird joke that no one got, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

Dwight finally told Phaedra about the tandem Cynthia-Kim attack and pounce move used on him during “Is The A Doctor In The House?“  when they wanted to know all about the pregnancy. Dwight said that they called her baby an alien. Phaedra called Kim an uneducated hooker. Then, she started to rant about how she has a man, not someone else’s husband. True. Phaedra has a career that she’s built herself, not one someone else gave to her. True. Plus, she also has the lavish lifestyle. True. Clearly, Kim is jealous. Still debateable being that she’s still Phaedra.

Then, it was showtime. We all should be thankful that we didn’t have to sit through that mess. Everyone looks bored, wondering why Sheree made it seem as if she was making her big debut, when she had about five lines. Literally, the two minutes she practiced on screen with Kandi were ALL of her lines in the play. But like Cynthia said, we should have kept all expectations low because “it’s a long way from the Chitlin’ Circuit to Broadway.” Aftewards, Phaedra confronted Cynthia for some of the things Kim said during their little Q&A with Dwight. Cynthia rightly stuck up for herself because she didn’t actually say any of the things Phaedara or Dwight is accusing her of. She may have laughed, but no need to bring that up.  I liked her way more for standing up while not ratting on Kim…for now.

Peter also pulled Nene aside like a good fiancé who only wants to make their bride-to-be happy, and apologized to Nene. We all knew that he didn’t really feel out of line. Sheree and Lawrence had hypothesized before the show your friends don’t fight with your man unless there’s some kind of sexual tension going on. Nene is a little flirtatious, but it seemed a little petty…at first! Then, Nene sort of confirmed it by getting all giggly and calling Peter a firecracker when he did say sorry. It was strange and also absurdly funny because she looked like a 1950s schoolgirl. They kept cutting to a confused looking Cynthia, trying to insinuate even more there, but I thought it was sweet that Peter saw how upset Cynthia was being on the outs with her new bestie and just wanted to alleviate the tension.

In the end, it was just like old times with Nene and Kim eating and making fun of themselves and everyone else. Cynthia’s crazy contract was the main topic of discussion. Should Nene have run like Kim suggested? Is Cynthia actually in lesbian love with Nene? Could that be the reason Peter is really jealous? I miss these two being busom buddies in all things absurd. Plus, no one else would have gotten Kim to open up about her new footballer (now, soon-to-be baby daddy). I’m really hoping we get a peak into that relationship. Before that, I’m looking forward to the friendship contract validity being brought into question next week and the resolution of Alien Babygate.

QUOTABLES

“Why is she all up in my Kool-aid?” – Phaedra

“Just because you strip in a nurses office does not make you a nurse?” – Phaedra

“He’s like 25 years old. He just came out the womb, bitch. He’s probably Phaedra’s son. I knew she was having a grown ass man out of that vajayjay.” – Kim

Season 3, Episode 11: Contract Player (originally aired December 12, 2010)

The Fighter Review: Could Be A Contender

Few film genres have carved their own niche in the annals of American culture as comfortably as the boxing movie. Raging Bull, Rocky, and, most recently, Million Dollar Baby are considered classics in their own right but all have a similar undercurrent helping propel their respective legacies. These successful films pack their biggest punches by focusing on the plight of their pugilists, using their chosen sport as a metaphor for their lifelong struggles.

David O. Russell’s The Fighter, a fascinating, sometimes discombobulated portrayal of the stumbling rise of boxer Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg) in the 1990s, uses a similar storytelling template to convey this familiar formula. Like its predecessors, The Fighter isn’t really about boxing, but rather the rise of an underdog who faces a multitude of proverbial roadblocks while traveling the path to success. If that sounds desperately trite, it’s because it is. However, what prevents movies with predictable plot trajectories from entering schmaltzy schlock territory is the compelling nature with which the story is told. Thanks to Russell’s gritty aesthetic and handheld, docudrama technique (a far cry from the whimsical, Day-Glo satire of I Heart Huckabees), the most riveting elements of The Fighter take place outside the ring when Micky is faced with the poisonous nature of his familial relationships.

The most notable of these is introduced in the first shot of the film as Micky’s older half-brother, Dicky Eklund (a jaw-dropping Christian Bale – he’s every bit as good as the hype), a tragically charismatic and delusional crack addict, showboats for an HBO film crew working on what he thinks is his comeback story. Dicky is a noted boxer himself whose claim to fame is having allegedly knocked down Sugar Ray Leonard once upon a time (although some insist Leonard simply tripped), crowning him “The Pride of Lowell.” However, Dicky’s moment in the spotlight has since faded as his drug use intensified, and the cameras following him around are actually capturing his downfall for the 1995 documentary High on Crack Street. Dicky has been appointed de facto trainer for up-and-comer Micky, although his tendency to miss their meetings at the gym in favor of sucking on the pipe aren’t helping Micky’s chances at an eventual title.

Dicky’s partner in crime is the hopelessly co-dependent Alice (the fantastic Melissa Leo, bestowed with a terrifying bouffant), matriarch of the Ward-Eklund clan, who manages Micky’s career with a flinty, defensive arrogance. Both her and Dicky’s attempts to act in Micky’s best interest are tenuous at best. When an opponent calls in sick and his replacement turns out to be a ruthless ex-con with 20 pounds on Micky, both Alice and Dicky insist he take the fight anyway; otherwise, no one would get paid. When Micky subsequently gets beaten half to death and his career prospects are sunk to new lows as a result, he nearly decides to hang up his gloves for good. “All we wanted for you was to become world champion,” Alice coos, hiding behind her perpetually pathetic, transparent façade.

When a despondent Micky finally approaches his crush, Charlene (Amy Adams, wonderfully playing against type), a no-nonsense, townie bartender, their romance initially pits Micky against the people who furiously claim to care about him the most. A hilarious scene involving Charlene’s first encounter with Alice and a coven of Micky’s Aqua-Netted sisters (who snarkily call Charlene “the MTV girl”) encapsulates the scope of this family’s sheer refusal to accept the reality of their degeneracy. Charlene’s objective view of Micky’s psychologically exhausting family helps shed a light on the sick nature of their manipulative tendencies and the negative effect it’s having on his prospects as a champion fighter. After Dicky gets tossed in the slammer, the lack of his presence and the honest support from Charlene helps Micky focus on his boxing future with a new zeal.

Those familiar with the story of Micky Ward may wonder why The Fighter chooses to depict his rise to fame within the confines of such a seemingly hackneyed design, instead of highlighting the peak of his career in the early 2000s. Aside from the common belief that rags-to-riches stories have more desirable moviemaking goods, Micky Ward’s career isn’t the focal point of the film. The title is purposefully, simplistically vague, enabling the viewer to derive multiple meanings. It isn’t called The Boxer, after all. Micky is a fighter both professionally and personally, and the dueling dichotomy he faces while struggling to maintain both these personas is where the film swings the hardest.

Although the narrative unfolds in a somewhat staggering, uneven manner, this filmmaking style seems to almost intentionally mirror the sudden, jerky movements required in boxing. The cinematography is equally jarring, as the blue-collar wasteland of suburban Boston is shot with starkly unforgiving realism and the fight scenes, paradoxically, are depicted with the fuzzy pixelation of old school pay-per-view matches. As the HBO crew prepares its documentary, the film-within-a-film element provides an appropriately somber component to help illustrate the characters’ idiosyncrasies. When a twitching, bug-eyed Dicky mugs for the camera, thrilled to be the center of attention, it isn’t until he refers to his quiet, more modest brother with an exaggerated gesture that we even notice Micky has been sitting next to him the entire time. As the movie progresses, it becomes more and more clear Micky has played second fiddle to Dicky his entire life, and his emergence from behind his brother’s shadow is where his true triumph lies.

The Fighter ultimately scores its biggest knockout with the top-notch cast. Bale is sure to collect a slew of supporting actor awards for his tour de force performance as Dicky, but Mark Wahlberg excels in his own right in the less showy, albeit titular, role. The Fighter appropriately bobs and weaves along with Micky himself as he, ahem, fights his way for the recognition he’s always known he deserved, but didn’t know how to demand.

 

The Tourist Review

Some ideas are good on paper, but when the scenario actually plays out – the result is disappointing. Like whoever thought of putting the peanut butter and the jelly in the jar together instead of keeping them separate.  That’s how I felt about the not-so-dynamic duo of Angelina Jolie (Salt) and Johnny Depp (Alice in Wonderland). They certainly seem hot enough to melt the screen independently, so surely if they joined forces the result would be sizzling, right? Eh. Sometimes I think two like beings actually repel one another.  The Tourist may have been nice to look at, but it sure wasn’t fun to watch.

The Tourist is a stylish movie that does a good job of fooling you with pretty scenery, from the always lovely Jolie to the beautiful Italian setting.  However, once you get past the façade, The Tourist falls flat.  Window dressing does not make a good movie.  Jolie stars as Elise, a mysterious woman who is introduced in the film as the glamorous subject of police surveillance.  We don’t know if she is an undercover officer or the criminal subject of an investigation.  We learn that she is meeting her lover, a man named Alexander Pierce.  Instead of showing up, Pierce leaves a note for her with specific instructions.  She is to pick a stranger with his same basic physical characteristics, and pretend that the stranger is him.  Ostensibly this is to throw her police followers off the trail.  We don’t know if she is in cahoots with Pierce in some criminal enterprise or if she’s just doing a job.  Enter Depp as Frank, the hapless American tourist who has the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  When he stumbles upon the beautiful Elise, he protests only mildly that she seems to have the wrong guy.  The police aren’t the only ones interested in Pierce.  It seems that he stole a couple billion dollars from a gangster named Reginald Shaw, who of course will move heaven and earth to get it back.  Now everyone is after Pierce (Frank), including the police and Shaw.  The police learn early on that it’s a case of mistaken identity and that the tourist whom Elise has latched onto is an innocent American schoolteacher named Frank Tupelo, not a billionaire thief named Alexander Pierce.  At some point they become involved again because Elise can’t seem to get rid of Frank.  That’s right.  Initially she was all over him when she needed everyone to think that Frank was Pierce, but now she is trying to ditch him.

What I’ve described so far may sound intriguing, but let me spare you the trouble.  The Tourist never really found its identity; it was a mishmash of genres – none of which really worked.  The plot was a nonsensical cat and mouse story that underwhelmed me and left me feeling a bit cheated.  There was a continuous veiled attempt to ratchet up suspense, but the payoff was extremely disappointing.  Johnny Depp is always charming, and Angelina Jolie is breathtaking – but it takes more than star power to make a good movie.  I was left with more questions than answers.  Why does Frank go along with Elise so willingly, even after nearly getting killed?  Is Elise really Pierce’s girlfriend or was she undercover the entire time?  At one point the police actually abandon their investigation of Pierce because all he did was steal from a gangster and he has “good taste in women,” so really they should just tip their hat to him. What?

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that two such talented actors were grossly misused, or the fact that they both signed up for this dud.  The Tourist has plenty of panache, but it was all flash and no substance.  If you want to watch a smart, sexy, well-paced caper type of film I suggest you dust off The Thomas Crown Affair, a movie that had a little substance to go with all the style.

The Amazing Race: The Xs Prevail

History was made this week on The Amazing Race. It’s totally not going to change your life, and years from now or even less, no one’s going to care or even remember that this week the first all-female team won this great race around the world. And while it could not have been anticipated how monumentally Jill/Thomas would screw up this final leg, with such strong teams as Brook/Claire and Nat/Kat, it was a foregone conclusion that however this race turned out the ladies weren’t going to give up without a fight.

The race started off this week with the teams traveling to Los Angeles, the final leg of the race. All teams are on the same flight, so are in a close race as they arrive at their first challenge. The first challenge requires the teams to free fall bungee down a platform 150 ft over the water. Strapped with only a harness, it’s a good thing no one here has a problem with heights. Oh, sorry Nat. Nat of Nat/Kat is totally freaked about heights, and cries her way through most of the task. Jill and Thomas look on from the next platform over and note the possibility to pull ahead. Unfortunately for them, and totally admirably, Nat is made of stronger stuff than that and completes this task with a surprising lack of drama. Nat/Kat finish first with Jill/Thomas and Brook/Claire close behind.

From here the teams are flown by helicopter to the Rose Bowl where they have to help decorate a float intended for the Rose Bowl parade. Fresh from her victory over heights, Nat takes this task for her team and flies through this task with special attention to how other workers complete the task. Jill/Thomas arrive at the stop and Thomas volunteers himself, not because he has any artistic inclinations, but because it was pre-arranged that he would do the final task. Both of them think that Jill should do this task, but for whatever insane reason, Tom steps up for this one. Brook/Claire arrive and Brook excitedly volunteers to decorate; it seems before her HSN days Brook spent time on floats so she feels quite comfortable with this. They all finish without too much difficulty. Nat/Kat has a slight lead and Brook/Claire struggle to keep from falling behind.

The next clue gives the contestants three questions to find the location of Don Quixote Studios Stage 7 which holds their next and final challenge. Nat/Kat, though first to leave the Rose Bowl, have problems leaving the parking lot where they are trying to find a cab driver with a smartphone so they can look up the information. By the time they finally get into a cab, they have lost their lead and Jill/Thomas are right behind them. But Jill and Thomas are having the same problem as Nat/Kat; they can’t find a driver with internet access. But instead of searching cab by cab, Jill/Thomas hop into the first cab running and then badger the poor driver for something he does not have. They keep yelling, “internet, internet” but the driver only has GPS which he gladly offers for them to use. Jill replies to his offer with the best insultingly polite thank you ever. After a very, very frustrated ride to nowhere, Jill/Thomas decide to hop out of the cab and beg a local shop owner to let them use the internet. But at this point, their begging is more shouting+demanding so it isn’t any surprise none of the shop owners agree. The smart move would have been to switch cabs 5 TV minutes ago, but when Jill/Thomas finally make the switch it’s far too late to do them any good. This couple is really their own undoing; it’s like they subconsiously wanted to lose this race so they kept on shooting themselves in the foot. Or perhaps they wanted this so badly that they were blinded to their mistakes which caught them in a rut. Either way, they’ve put themselves out of race with minutes to spare.

Nat/Kat arrive at the final mission which requires them to remember every greeter throughout the race. With methodical precision the doctors dissect this journey and get it right on the first try.  This is just a tad anticlimactic. Brook and Claire also manage to breeze through this challenge, and the two teams are off to the finish line. The producers tried to make it a little bit dramatic at the end by switching between Brook/Claire and Nat/Kat racing toward the finish line. I don’t for a second believe it was that close, true Nat/Kat did get stuck in traffic, but I’m sure this was definitely all in the build up so that it would be such a rush when Nat/Kat made it to the pit stop first. This they did. Nat and Kat are the winners of this season of The Amazing Race. Brook and Claire came in second with Jill and Thomas in third.

So, there you have it. The Amazing Race has its first all-female winning team. This is probably more of a personal accomplishment than anything actually newsworthy, but this was a great race for Nat/Kat who never really seemed to falter. Congratulations, you guys deserved it!

Also, this weeks’ episode gave a sneak peack of next season’s Amazing Race: the All-Stars. Next season. your favorite contestants from previous seasons battle it out again for a chance to win the million dollar prize. So, who should you expect to see? This season’s Gary and Mallory, Chad and Stephanie, and Michael and Kevin all get another chance, along with Goths Kynt and Vyxsin, cowboys Jet and Cord, and globetrotters Flight Time and Big Easy. And though I’m not particularly enthused about this season dubbed “Unfinished Business” (too many personalities attached to one season seems disastrous,) it’s kind of cool to catch up with former contestants.  “Unfinished Business” begins February 20th on CBS.

Season 17, Episode 12: Hi. I’m Sorry. I’m in a Race (originally aired December 12, 2010)

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Photographs courtesy of CBS and Jeffrey R. Staab.

Follow Poptimal on Twitter!

Smallville Review: Congrats Clois and RIP Hawkman

I guess the title of this review should come with a spoiler warning but frankly- shame on you for not watching the latest fantastic episode of Smallville. Granted, you’re probably not reading this unless you are an avid fan who has maybe already watched this week’s episode, “Icarus,” twice… but it was a doozy! Not only was there an engagement and a major character death to talk about, but it also ended with a bizarre cliffhanger taking us into the winter hiatus with no closure until the series returns on January 28th.

Let’s start though, where the episode started – with good news. Clark finally popped the big question to Lois and dammit if it wasn’t the sweetest scene imaginable. Lois and Clark (or Clois as some fans prefer to call the couple) have had a plethora of adorable moments in this season thus far, and I wouldn’t dare try to rank them, but the image of Clark proposing to Lois at their famed telephone booth with white rose petals raining down is almost too good to resist calling number one.

The celebrations continue when Lois gets a cute/mysterious congratulatory card from Chloe and we get treated to a flashback scene of Lois and Chloe talking about what it takes to commit completely to Clark. It was cute but I really hope this doesn’t count as one of Allison Mack‘s five episodes that she is slated to appear in this season. I need more Chloe than that!!

Tess then shocks Lois by throwing an engagement party for the happy couple at Watchtower with Oliver, Dr. Emil Hamilton (Alessandro Juliani), Hawkman (Michael Shanks), and Star Girl (Brittney Irvin) all in attendance. But by far my favorite reaction to the engagement came from the dim Cat Grant who, upon seeing Lois’s ring, yells, “Are you expecting?!” Bitch.

Beyond all of this happiness and excitement lies a bit of doom though as the Vigilante Registration Act (VRA) continues to take effect with increased security popping up across town to fight the supposed threat from our heroes. With curfews in place and pat downs happening that make every activity like a day at the airport, things are clearly getting Third Reich-esque even down to the uniforms. In the most harrowing example of the changing world is when Oliver attempts to stop a burglar only to get attacked by a mob of regular citizens convinced that Oliver is one of the bad guys. Hawkman and Star Girl are able to get him out of the situation but when it is revealed that the evil General Slade (who might actually be John McCain) is still alive and running things at the VRA, our heroes decide that it might be time to go underground.

Meanwhile, VRA agents bring in Tess, Emil, and Lois for some rigorous questioning by a horrible bizzo that I so wanted to see get slapped. And while I didn’t get that wish, I did get the satisfaction of seeing Lois escape using her own wits and convincing the anti-hero Cat that the VRA is the real villain here and that she needs to stop cooperating with them. Lois then hightails it to Oliver’s office to find Slade waiting for her. He tries to threaten her into revealing the location of Watchtower but she resists like a good superhero girlfriend and takes the beat down that Slade dishes out like a pro.

Luckily, Hawkman shows up to help her out so he and Slade engage in a pretty epic fight that ends with Hawkman getting seriously stabbed just before some ruptured equipment causes an explosion that launches Lois out the window of the skyscraper penthouse. In a blaze of glory, Hawkman goes out after her with his wings on fire making the final act of this lifetime saving Lois from certain death in the fall.

Clark manages to find Slade and after some tough words simply sends him to the Phantom Zone using a Kryptonian crystal. It was almost too easy to be satisfying but I suppose it served its purpose well enough. Clark then finds Lois in the protected wings of Hawkman as he lays dying from the fight. We all know that Hawkman will eventually be reincarnated for another epic love story with his legendary lady but seeing him say farewell to Clark in this lifetime was a very touching moment for the series. His final notion that by saving Lois he also saved Clark is a perfect note to cap the episode marking their engagement. I must admit that even though he only appeared in a small number of episodes, he will be missed.

The episode ends with the entire Justice League laying Hawkman to rest in an Egyptian tomb. It is somber and effective but then all of a sudden some little glowing white pyramid thing pops out of the sand, emits a bright light, and leaves all of the heroes lying passed out in the tomb. It was a great geek moment seeing all of these heroes knocked out on the floor together but I can’t even begin to speculate what it means or what happens next so by all means speculate below.

We’ve officially reached the halfway point in this final season and I couldn’t be more pleased with how it is progressing. There has yet to be a complete stinker of an episode and I’m hoping that the trend continues all the way until the end as we get more exposure to old favorites like Lionel Luthor, Martha Kent, Chloe, and if we’re lucky – Lex. Good luck getting through your month without Smallville. It’s going to be rough but I’ll be here with you in 2011 when it returns! Happy holidays!

Season 10, Episode 11: “Icarus” (originally aired December 10, 2010)

For more on Smallville, click here.

Fridays at 8/7c on The CW.

Photographs courtesy of The CW and Jack Rowand.

The Chronicles of Narnia Voyage of The Dawn Treader Review: Family Friendly Fun

The third installment of the beloved C.S. Lewis children’s series, The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader opened as the highest grossing film this weekend, which is surprising considering the theater I saw it in was nearly empty except for adults out on a Saturday night.

Edmund (Skandar Keynes) and Lucy (Georgie Henley), the youngest of the four Pevensie siblings, are living with their cousin Eustace Scrubb in war torn England while Peter and Susan are in America with their parents. The two are miserable being so far away from their family and life with the Scrubbs hasn’t exactly been great. Edmund attempts to enlist in the army while Lucy starts noticing boys and wishing she were beautiful like Susan. They spend many of their days talking about Narnia, much to their cousin’s disdain.

Eustace is fascinated by insects and science and he detests being forced to live with his cousins. He considers them stupid for believing in a made-up place like Narnia. As Eustace catches Edmund and Lucy talking about it again in her room, Lucy notices a ship on a painting in her room that appears very Narnian. Soon the waves appear to be moving and water begins to trickle of out the painting.

The children are swept back into Narnia and King Caspian (Ben Barnes) and the Dawn Treader rescue them. It has been three years since the children left and now there is peace in the kingdom. Caspian in the meantime has sworn to find the seven lost Lords of Narnia, who had been his father’s most trusted advisers.

Thus begins their adventures facing sea serpents, slave traders, dragons, mystical pools, and mostly importantly the darkness within themselves.

The best part of this film is the performance of Will Poulter as the annoying Eustace Scrubb. Poulter does a fantastic job of being an irritating brat with a superiority complex. His transformation though into a changed person through different trials and tribulations and ultimately through Aslan’s help is endearing.

Aslan is God, represented in Narnia as a talking lion. It’s interesting that only children from our side of reality can visit Naria, symbolizing perhaps their innocence and purity to be able to cross worlds. C.S. Lewis is a well known Christian writer who imbues Christian themes into this series. Examples in this film include Eustace commenting on how he couldn’t change without Aslan’s help and it felt painful, but a good sort of pain. How Aslan’s country is described also suggests that place is heaven, where it was created for creatures with good hearts and yet once you enter it you can never return.

Noticeably different is King Caspian’s English accent in Dawn Treader versus his Spanish one in Prince Caspian, which sounded more agreeable to this viewer. Simon Pegg, who voiced Reepicheep the swashbuckling mouse, also did a terrific job and was the most like-able character of the film.

Dawn Treader is a family friendly movie made especially for young kids with themes of camaraderie, teamwork, overcoming adversity, faith, compassion, and family set against the backdrop of the final days of World War II and the fantasy world of Narnia where animals talk and magic is real. The costumes, sets, and backdrops were aesthetically pleasing to watch. The acting was decent and while certain CGI effects could be improved (such as the eerie green mist as the antagonistic element of the film), I have definitely seen worse. While it’s not the greatest example in its genre its also not the worst and it is enjoyable enough.

Recommended for matinee viewing or waiting till it comes out on blue ray or DVD.

Photos appear courtesy 2010 Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation and Walden Media LLC.

Supernatural Review: Dean Plays Death For a Day

In this final episode before the holiday break, team Supernatural has done it again. Last week we thought that was the end of Sam and Dean’s soul-searching escapades but big brother wasn’t quite through yet. I guess he couldn’t live with Sam’s decision after all.

Dean goes to a Chinese butcher shop where a not so legal Dr. Robert lies waiting for him. The man more known as Freddie Krueger, Robert Englund, plays Robert. The doctor had stitched up John Winchester on numerous occasions and was now drugging his son to induce death, well for a few minutes at least.

Dead Dean calls on Tessa, the reaper, who we met back in season two. He asks her to get her boss, Death. Turns out the Winchesters still had the horseman’s ring, which he tries to use as a bargaining chip to get Death to spring Sam’s and Adam’s souls from the cage. The horseman says he will only get one of them and he has to choose. Obviously Dean goes for Sam’s soul, even though it has been Michael and Lucifer’s chew toy for the better part of a year. Death says he can put up a wall in Sam’s head to temporarily make him forget the painful memories.

The condition though is that Dean has to put on Death’s ring and be him for a day. If he takes it off then he looses.

He goes back to Bobby’s to tell the old hunter and Sam the news. Sam is still adamantly against it, fearing what getting his soul back will do to him physically, mentally and emotionally. Soulless Sam captures it perfectly that Dean was more concerned about rescuing his brother Sammy and didn’t give a rat’s ass about him.

This Sam is still determined to try and stop Dean from what he perceives as a threat to his very existence. He goes outside in search of Death’s ring, but the elder Winchester already dug it up. Dean and Bobby exchange a knowing look and Dean tells him to watch out for the soulless one.

Dean slips the ring on and he is transported to the sidewalk of some nameless town with Tessa waiting for him. They apparently have a schedule to keep and he is just supposed to follow the rules – kill the people he is told to kill. At first Dean thinks that the job isn’t so hard. His first assignment of the day was a young man robbing a convenience store. Dean even prolongs the man’s pain before finally touching him.

When the soul of the robber leaves his body and asks Dean why, he responds, “Because you’re a dick.”

The next victim is a man in his early forties gobbling down a cheese pizza. He suddenly gets a heart attack and then gets the deathly touch. This time when he asks Dean why, he gets the line to a Kansas song.

Things get difficult though as Dean is told that the following person on the list is a young girl with a serious heart condition. They visit her at the hospital where her father is with her as they look through a photo album. Dean refuses to kill her because of how young she is but this act sets off a chain of events that allows him to understand how every action will have an effect.

A young nurse who was supposed to be on the surgical team for the young girl leaves the hospital early only to be in an accident. Tessa explains that he must take her life now because he spared the girl’s. The nurse’s husband comes into the emergency room distraught and Dean goes to follow him knowing that the man was so overcome with grief. He begins to drink heavily while driving his car faster and faster down the road. Wearing Death’s ring he is unable to see Dean who is in the passenger seat. This forces Dean to take off the ring, as the man is about to hit a bus, causing the car to swerve and hit a parked vehicle instead.

He staggers out of the car and realizes that he’s lost the bet. Standing on the street, he calls out to Tessa to take him away. When nothing happens, Dean slips the ring back on and finds Tessa waiting for him. He tells her that he gets that no one ever gets away with anything scot free.

They return to the hospital where Dean finally kills the young girl, knowing that you can’t mess with the natural order of things without messing things up.

Meanwhile, Sam slips away from Bobby where he summons Balthazar asking for help. He needs a way to stop his soul from rejoining with his body. The angel isn’t exactly thrilled to be helping this Winchester but he agrees, saying that he’d like for Sam to be indebted to him. Balthazar tells him that he has to render his body uninhabitable by committing patricide, but the father didn’t have to be his biological father since John Winchester has been dead for a long time.

What follows is a game of cat and mouse between Sam and Bobby. In one scene Sam is hacking away at the closet door where Bobby locked himself in and it was a Jack Nicholson in The Shining moment. He gets the older hunter outside where he knocks him out and ties him to a chair, preparing to stab the hunter to death just as Dean appears to stop him at the last second.

Sam is then tied to a bed in the panic room. Dean is fully convinced that this soulless version of his brother is capable of doing anything, including stabbing the man that has been a father to them for so many years. We get the sense that both Bobby and Dean are contemplating whether killing Sam would be the best thing to do.

But then Dean gets a surprise visit from Death. The horseman is pleased that Dean finally understands that upsetting the natural order of things is catastrophic, especially when you’re the one who has to clean up the mess. He surprises the hunter by telling him that he’s going to collect Sam’s soul anyway because the brothers are getting close to discovering a bigger event, one that mysteriously has to do with souls. Despite the annoying chaos the Winchesters create by repeatedly coming back from the dead, he’ll do it because he wants them to keep investigating. Souls are apparently more valuable than you can imagine.

Things end with Death putting Sam’s soul back in him, with Sammy freaking out and pleading with his brother not to do this. Death advises him not to scratch the mental wall in his mind because he’s not going to like what he finds on the other side.

This was another great episode because audiences were given so many different bites to chew and reflect on. First Dean finally acknowledging that there is a destiny and that his own actions will have consequences is a big development for his “I’m going to do what I think is right” mentality. It was a hard lesson for him to learn and is best summed up by the words of the little girl: destiny sucks. Thinking back to all the times Dean and Sam have come back to life, now we know that Death has always been there in the background cleaning house. We have only seen events from the Winchesters’ point of view and now we get a sense of the bigger picture that they are only a part of.

Even more character development for Dean though now that he’s finally come to grips at the length by which soulless Sam would go. Viewers get a real hard look at this Sam, who at first seems great in his no nonsense attitude, but the dark side is that he has no feelings and in survival of the fittest is willing to kill Bobby. Obviously that’s messed up. It must have been pretty difficult for Dean to contemplate his brother’s death because while Sam isn’t fully Sam anymore, it’s still a version of him.

Final thoughts – how long will that mental wall in Sam’s mind last? Will he remember everything that’s happened so far? What’s the deal with the souls and what does it have to do with the monsters creating their armies? Are they going to fight heaven for human souls? What about Adam’s soul? In truth Sam’s wasn’t the only one locked in the cage with Michael and Lucifer. His half-brother’s soul was there right there as well and it must play a part somewhere in the future because why else would they bring it up? Poor Adam, he’s really gotten the short end of the stick in all of this. Will Dean’s choice to get Sam’s soul bite him in the ass later on? Lastly what happened to the other horsemen rings?

Too bad we’ll have to wait till next year to find out!

Season 6, Episode 11: Appointment in Samarra (originally aired December 10, 2010)

For more on Supernatural, click here.

Fridays at 9/8C on The CW

Images courtesy of The CW and Jack Rowand.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Review: Bundle of Joy

The sixth season finale of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia provided a nicely rounded sense of closure to the characteristically profane, nutty series, even bordering on Very Special Episode territory. This being Sunny, however, a barrage of illicit drug use and talk of rummaging in the sewer naked helped keep the show’s lowbrow wit afloat in the midst of the impending schmaltz. As expected, the anticipated arrival of the newest Gang member served as the focal point of this season’s denouement, but the majority of harebrained antics surprisingly occurred outside the delivery room — in lieu of a surely harrowing birthing scene I’m frankly surprised wasn’t included.

It’s 9:30 on Friday morning, and it’s business as usual at Paddy’s pub until Charlie and Frank storm in with the unpleasant announcement that they’ve discovered weeks’ worth of mail inside the sewer. Dee admits she’s been chucking the mail because no one bothers to open it anyway. Besides, she points out, she never thought anyone would find it in the sewer. Charlie and Frank reveal that hanging out in the sewer is an actual pastime for them, since they often find discarded treasures. A morbidly curious Dennis asks, “But why are you so clean?” and realizes he already knows the answer before the question has completely escaped his lips. Why, they rummage through the sewer both naked and barefoot, of course, to keep from soiling their clothes and shoes. In fact, Frank says, sifting through the muck with his toes makes the experience “almost like clamming.”

Mac and Dennis are eager to discuss Charlie and Frank’s sewer adventures on a deeper level, but Dee interrupts with an important announcement: her water just broke. “I’m having a baby,” she succinctly quips, and the slack-jawed guys realize Dee’s pregnancy is actually going to result in the birth of a live human being.

They spring into action and race to the hospital (“I’ve never seen anyone drive that fast!” Charlie marvels to Dennis), when Dee insists she and the doctors can take it from here. The guys begin to protest and ask if they should call the father and let him know his child is about to be born. Dee waves the notion away with a swish of her wrist, cryptically explaining, “There is no guy. Don’t worry about it.” This revelation (“There’s no guy?!”) throws Dennis, Charlie, Mac and Frank into a tizzy as they realize they’re likely to be forced into parental roles themselves, since Dee is such an irresponsible person and can’t possibly raise a child on her own. She is, after all, the one who tossed the bar’s mail into the sewer. Such carelessness! The notion of fatherhood and its time-consuming tasks terrifies the guys (“This kid’s already ruined a perfectly good transmission and sewer conversation!” Dennis scoffs), and highlights Charlie’s sadly misinformed idea of the biology behind reproduction (“the sperm doesn’t eat the egg,” Mac chides).

Dennis gets stuck waiting at the hospital while Charlie, Mac and Frank devise a plan to find out who the father of Dee’s baby is. They decide to plan a party as a ruse to invite all of Dee’s former lovers and interrogate them about their sexual history with her. The idea is ingenious on multiple levels. Learning about Dee’s habitually abusive treatment of her male conquests is entertaining enough, but showcasing the opportunity to bring back classic Sunny characters for the season finale is pure brilliance. Bill Ponderosa, Rickety Cricket (“He’s a wild card,” Frank explains), Ben the soldier, Lil’ Kev, and even the bearded busboy from the Korean restaurant arrive to partake in classic ’90s tunes and tap a keg with the gang. Still-married Bill divulges his sex addiction and proclivity to tell his partners the flat-out lie that he’s had a vasectomy in order to bypass those pesky condoms. “That’s incredibly shady!” Charlie nervously chuckles. “What a brilliant, underhanded thing,” says Frank, practically leering with admiration. Oh, and Bill’s also brought party favors of the white powdered variety, making him the new best friend of Frank and his newly-arrived bridge friends – and by “bridge,” I don’t mean the card game.

Duncan sets up the turntables and Cricket hits the crack pipe (“Let’s get WEIRD!” he excitedly suggests) as Mac and Charlie delve into a deep discussion about the importance and integrity of fatherhood. As the men around them sloth and slobber their way through a keg of beer and a baggie of coke, Mac and Charlie realize none of them are remotely fit to be a father (even gym rat Rex, who, Mac admits, is “a quality lay,” aesthetically speaking). All of the guys at the party are only in the peripherals of Dee’s life because of her tendency to verbally berate former romantic exploits and manipulate them into sleeping with her while she’s drunk — Ben the soldier’s tearful testimony is particularly pathetic. Charlie, for one, is impressed with the simplicity of Dee’s technique (only needing to call her targets “jerks” or “turkeys” to submit them to her inebriated wiles), while Mac is fascinated with the overall quantitative scope of her track record (“Dee’s slammin’ ass all over town!” he exclaims).

Before long, Mac and Charlie realize its up to them to help Dee rear her child, and proceed to compare notes on the minutiae of parenthood. Both agree that raising a “nerd” is out of the question (“I’ll bash his head in!” enthuses Charlie), and that the Internet is a cesspool of bad influence (“It’s like, ‘Oh, hi! How are you? Oh, there’s your penis, and there’s your butt,’” Charlie explains, while air-typing for emphasis). Suddenly, Mac is hit with a bolt of inspiration as he realizes the secret to parenting is “pretending you know what you’re talking about, and then jamming it down the kid’s throat!” Although worded in a fantastically crude, fantastically Sunny manner, I bet most child psychologists would be inclined to agree with that statement.

Meanwhile, Dee is indeed proving herself the worst mother-to-be ever as Dennis has to repeatedly remind her to stay in bed and not leave the room to grab a quick sub, or stand on a rolling stool to try and tune the broken television to her “stories.” Dennis alerts a nurse about the lack of television reception, and receives even less reception from her regarding his inquiry. Already nervous about the arrival of his niece or nephew and frustrated with Dee’ s lack of cooperation (“What an irritating thing babies are!” he huffs), Dennis launches into a roaring diatribe that belongs in a Shakespearean monologue rather than in front of a hospital reception desk. Randomly channeling his go-to Nordic God, Dennis vows to “come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor” if Dee isn’t given access to her soap operas, continuing, “THE THUNDER OF MY VENGEANCE WILL ECHO THROUGH THESE CORRIDORS LIKE THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!” Needless to say, the nurse isn’t keen on Dennis as a result of his outburst and keeps a watchful eye on him throughout the episode. When Dee and Dennis wheel an assumed corpse out of her hospital room, Weekend at Bernie’s-style, and are astonished at his abrupt, unexpected signs of life (“Don’t put me in the trash!” the old man suddenly begs, having heard Dee and Dennis’ entire conversation), the nurse puts the kibosh on Dennis’ presence in the delivery room just as Dee begins to enter the crux of her labor. The Bernie-esque sunglasses the old man is sporting, courtesy of Dee and Dennis, must have tipped off the nurse to possible shenanigans. According to Dennis, however, the shades are a necessity. “Without the sunglasses,” he asserts, “Weekend at Bernie’s would have been a very dark, strange tale.” Indeed.

While Dennis kills time in the maternity waiting room, Mac and Charlie excitedly arrive to reveal their plans to co-father Dee’s child. “We’ve done a complete 180!” they insist. Dennis, however, has also had a change of heart and the trio collectively decides to adopt a Three Men and a Baby parenting shtick instead of Mac and Charlie’s original My Two Dads motif. As usual, Frank interrupts the rare moment of genuinely heartfelt excitement on Sunny as he drags the dregs of the party into the waiting room with him to continue the festivities.

Duncan even brought his turntables and deftly switches the mood to accompany the sudden, exhilaratingly emotional sight of Dee and her newborn being wheeled towards the motley crew. As Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” echoes throughout the otherwise soundless scene, the camera sweetly, hilariously, pans across the faces of all the men. With the exception of Cricket and his ubiquitous homemade crack pipe (which he lights up in plain sight inside a hospital), the sequence begins to enter sticky sentimental territory until Carmen the tranny and her gigantic husband suddenly enter the frame. In a classic bamboozling move only Sunny could get away with, the guys’ dreams of fatherhood are crushed as quickly as they were created when Dee explains she was merely the surrogate mother for Carmen and her hubby and the baby won’t be coming home with them after all. In true Sunny fashion, the Gang takes a mere moment to reflect on their fleeting disappointment before ultimately deciding “a baby would have screwed up our chemistry anyway,” and heading to the bar to get Dee a long-awaited beer.

As per usual with the Sunny storytelling formula, this season came full circle with the revelation of Carmen as the surprise father of Dee’s baby, although the transgendered paternity loophole has been implemented before in another infamously irreverent series. This last-minute twist still proved fitting, however, considering the season began with Mac objecting to gay marriage and the impending nuptials of his ex-girlfriend and her husband. The winking reference to the possibility of a new baby ruining the Gang’s fictional dynamics was also a chuckle-worthy way to implement a deftly meta acknowledgment to viewers’ worries about changes to the show’s own winning formula.

Die-hard Sunny fans may have groaned at the finale’s use of actual emotion to conclude this season, but I’ve always appreciated Sunny the most when they successfully apply traditional storytelling tactics and character arcs to help balance their trademark loutish ridicule. After all, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia without a pair of sunglasses would make for a dark, strange tale indeed.

Season 6, Episode 12: “Dee Gives Birth” (originally aired December 9, 2010)

For more on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

JD Podcast: What U Need 2 Know w/ Erin Biglow (Ep. 5)

Season 3 Episode 8: What U Need 2 Know w/ Erin Biglow – Erin Biglow, breaks down the latest socio-political-celebrity news. Erin is not a woman to be trifled and she knows her sh*t. Welcome to the Jone Dome!

In this episode: Wikileaks, Gays in the military, Sarah Palin, and Taylor Swift. (Available on iTunes)

If you have trouble with the above player, use this one below: [display_podcast]

Show Credits:

Written & hosted by: Erin Biglow
Produced & Edited by: Poptimal.com
Venue: Hollywood, CA
Intro: Fuck You! (by Cee Lo)

(If the show does not play using the link at the bottom of the page, you can download it: Download|Podcast Alley)

« Previous Page — Next Page »