Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Hotlanta Housewives

The Sunday evening hour-and-fifteen-minute melodrama that is the “Hotlanta” Real Housewives seemed to revolve around the (allegedly) 32-year-old mistress, Kim, and her tour with Kandi.  While Phaedra, Cynthia, and NeNe got their moments in the sun, all the ladies were anticipating and preparing for their trip to Miami to join Kandi and Kim on Kandi’s promotional tour of her new album, Hey, Kandi.  Or was it Kim’s tour?

While Kandi was out promoting her latest music project, Cynthia and her fiancé Peter were back in Atlanta fighting (again) over Peter’s music supper club — or better yet, its demise.  Peter told Cynthia tonight that he officially closed Uptown Supper Club.  After the argument Cynthia and Peter had during their pseudo-counseling session with Hill Harper the week before, Cynthia would’ve been happy with the closing of Uptown, right? Uh, no!  Now she’s boo-hooing ‘cause they don’t have enough money to pay for their wedding at the museum.  Apparently they need another $20,000.  Then she goes for advice to her sister and NeNe, who both tell her to postpone or cancel the wedding.  First of all, NeNe doesn’t want to be married to her husband anymore and she has openly expressed how attractive she thinks Cynthia’s fiancé is.  Why is Cynthia taking marital advice from a soon-to-be divorcee?  She needs to have this conversation with a couple who has at least 20 years under their belt. If she did, I’d almost bet they’d tell them to get married and downsize the wedding. She’s investing in the day instead of the relationship. If you’re broke and you get your hands on $20K, why spend it all on a wedding???

Phaedra and Apollo had minimal drama.  It was nothing to write home about, although Apollo’s consistent admission that he’d be able to take care of the baby all by himself if he had breasts kept throwing me off.  Soooo…he’d be a hermaphrodite? That’s what kept popping in my head.  Apollo, knock it off.  Just stay on your side of the track.  Atlanta has more than its share of confused residents.  Don’t you join them.

Speaking of confused, I know I speak for the majority — if not all — of the viewers who are still wondering why and how Kim has a song to sing for anyone’s tour.  I have concluded that the producers of Real Housewives asked Kandi to allow Kim to join her on her tour simply for the comedic relief that her off-pitch singing brings to its viewers, for no Grammy-winning writer and producer in his or her right musical and business mind would invite a chain-smoking, tone-deaf, synthetic singer to join her on her comeback promotional tour on her own accord.  The sight of Kim standing in the mirror trying to warm up with a cancer stick hanging out of her mouth epitomizes how seriously she takes herself as a vocalist.  However, Kim’s off-key notes were but the fanfare for the seasonal fight between her and NeNe.

NeNe joined Kim and Kandi on the tour bus on their last stop before they got to Miami.  The fight started with NeNe telling Kim that she couldn’t bring her entourage with her to the hotel in Miami because it was just supposed to be “the girls” and a bachelorette weekend for Cynthia. NeNe criticized Kim’s singing.  Kim called NeNe an “intern,” and the fight was on.  During the one-on-one interviews, Kim once again swore her friendship with NeNe was over – again.  Isn’t this like the third time?!  Was anyone surprised?  Did anyone care?  Next season they’ll be bosom buddies yet again.

One of the mini-catalysts for this fight that was of more interest was “SWEETIE!”  Sista’ “Sweet Thing” is Kim’s assistant, a position for which she is paid. However, NeNe and the other black folks on the tour bus did note that Kim treats Miss Sweet Thing like “a slave.” Now, slaves never got paid, but some of the things Kim has Miss Sweet ‘N Low do are beneath her.  Apparently Kim is claustrophobic, so Sweetness holds the restroom door open for Kim while she uses the restroom.  Also, Kim has apparently been lethargic on this mini-mall promotional tour, so Sweetie Pie gives Kim B-12 shots.  Again, according to Kim, Sweetwater gets paid well, but I want to know who else applied for this position.  What did Sista’ Sweetheart put down on her application that qualified her to be Kim’s toilet door holder and pusher man, as well as a nanny for her kids?

What did you think of this week’s Real Housewives of Atlanta? Is Kim’s ridiculous attempt at a singing career for real? Is Cynthia’s museum wedding worth another $20,000 they don’t have? Post your comments below!

For another opinion on this episode, check out A Tale of Three Wars by Inisia Lewis.

Season 3, Episode 14: Flamingo Road Block (originally aired January 16, 2011)

Sundays at 10/9c on Bravo

Images courtesy of Quantrell Colbert and Isabella Vosmikova for Bravo.