The Heart Specialist Review: Old Stars, New Stars, None of them Aligned

By 2011 there are three tell-tale signs that a movie is going to be garbage:  one by Sunday afternoon, my Facebook friends haven’t already posted comments about it and dang-near given away the whole movie;  two the movie isn’t showing at the theater where I usually go and three when I enter the theater after the previews, only three other people are there to view the movie on its opening weekend.  Whether you use the old stars or the new ones, none of them aligned for The Heart Specialist.

Let’s start at the beginning.  The previews said one of the plots, or sub-plots, of Heart Specialist would be about a doctor who moonlights as a stand-up comic.  The movie opens at a comedy club with Nephew Tommy and Wood Harris indeed doing stand-up at a comedy club.  While I love dark-skinned brothas who wear glasses and Kangol-styled hats, Wood Harris looked like Jimmie Walker ( J.J.) from the ‘70s sitcom Good Times.  Maybe this is my fault, but the last movie in which I saw Wood Harris was Remember the Titans where I thought he was quite attractive and I developed a slight crush.  In The Heart Specialist he shrank down to Cheerio-hooping size but sadly enough resembled the classic comedic styling of Jimmie Walker only in appearances ‘cause his jokes rivaled Lunesta in their sedation techniques.  I’d hate to think Nephew Tommy who plays the comedy club’s owner had anything to do with the writing of his jokes.  He’s no Katt Williams, Bill Cosby, or Sinbad, but I enjoy Tommy in the mornings on The Steve Harvey Morning Show.  As the movie progressed, albeit confusingly, I realized that Wood’s character had cancer, which probably was what attributed to his size and what validated his smoking marijuana in the movie.

Moving on, why is Mya returning to entertainment as a trade?  I thought she got the message back in the ‘90s that we clearly did not think she had any talent.  A decade later she’s still proving our point.  Her name, along with Method Man’s, is another one of those signs that you have just sacrificed $7 of your hard-earned money on the wrong movie.  What blows my mind is why good actors and actresses like Brian J. White (Men of a Certain Age & Stomp the Yard) and Zoe Saldana (Drumline & Guess Who) would participate in this movie.  And I hate to do it ‘cause she was my sitcom idol growing up, but I can see why an actress like Jasmine Guy would’ve said, “Yes.”  After being out of the game for so long, beggars can’t be choosers.  Although her part was small, it was a part nonetheless.  And now, Jasmine, I’m only going to do this ‘cause I love you, and I save the sugar for my coffee.  If the make-up artists and costume director were both bullied by a Whitley Gilbert-esque classmate when they were in school and they conspired to portray you looking less than your best, then you should have brought in your own people ‘cause you were not up to par.  My girl had lines around her lips and eyes that I’m sure a little more moisturizer could have helped erase.  Poor thing looked as old as Marla Gibbs.  Speaking of which, other than supposed comic relief, I don’t know why Gibbs’s character was there.  Her supposed comic relief just added to the sedation effect that Harris’s Lunesta pill started earlier in the movie.

The only actor who even looked like he had seen the promo a la STYLE or OXGN reality TV show was Brian White.  While I thought that Brian, too, was a handsome one when I first saw him in Stomp the Yard, I’m sure his more chiseled looked than his co-stars was for his role as the calendar pin-up Dr. ‘Sugar Ray,’ the medical intern, than because he’s just “that guy.”  As an English teacher, the title provided the only glimmer of depth as it was not meant to be taken literally since none of the doctors were cardiologists.  The cold-hearted, womanizing Dr. Ray broke down and showed emotion when he realized that Harris’s character, Dr. Z, was about to die.  However, I never really saw a tear.  His face turned red like he was going to cry.  His eyes watered, but as a woman and a former baby-sitter, I know how real tears look, and Dr. Ray didn’t shed a one.  Dr. Z tried to cover for him and ask if that was one that he saw, but I think that was the chronic talking.

I don’t know what critics gave this movie four out of four stars, but they must’ve been smoking the same thing as Dr. Z ‘cause no clear-headed viewer would think this movie was “the sexiest movie of the year.”