The Real Housewives of Atlanta Review: Bachelorette Party from Hell

When we pick up with The Real Housewives of Atlanta this week, no time has passed and Kandi is still stuck on the bus ride from hell with Nene and Kim, the two snapping hyenas. These women are supposedly in their 30s and 40s, yet they act like they’re 16 years old. It’s really depressing when you think about it, but gloriously wonderful for people like us who just want to watch and learn laugh. (Hopefully, we’ve all learned these “How to NOT Act” lessons early on in life.)

As the bus pulls into its Miami destination, Phaedra, Sheree and Cynthia are all waiting, ready to get this bachelorette party started. Or so they thought… Yes, the ladies are still fighting as they disembark from the bus. Each tries to get their side of the story in first by screaming over one another as loud as they can. Kandi, smartly, stays on the bus with Don Juan, letting the other housewives take on the burden of babysitting these two. Everyone is just confused as to how everything changed so drastically between these two in such a short period of time. Luckily, they meet the owner of the Miami mansion they’ll be staying at, and his home is enough to distract everyone for at least a few minutes.

Thomas is a Big Papa-esque friend of Kim’s, and you could say that his house won’t be feature in any issues of Martha Stewart Living. It’s eccentric to say the least and makes Phaedra want to start praying to God. There’s even a semi-replica of The Sistine Chapel’s “The Creation of Adam” by Michaelangelo but instead of human beings, they’re satyrs. It’s truly special.

Now, Nene’s one of my favorite housewives, and I believe that she almost always speaks the truth, even if it’s the most uncouth of ways. But this time she really unnerved me. First, she just couldn’t let things go. Then, she enters Thomas’ house and says she’s surprised he’s friends with Kim. That’s just plain rude, especially when Kim got you a free place to stay. Then, she decides to harp on a new issue because the “Sweetie slave issue” could not be drawn out any longer. This time, she is angry that everyone else had brought a buddy but her. Kim had Sweetie. Sheree invited Lawrence. Apparently, Don Juan had been invited, but did we ever see him again? So wait! I guess that’s not everyone, is it? Yet she had to complain about other people being invited to their special weekend when the only person who should really be angry would be Cynthia. The supposed girl of the weekend!

I felt so sad for Cynthia who had planned on escaping some of her marital/wedding drama with her bachelorette weekend. Instead, Nene made the entire weekend all about her when she should have been there to support her friend. She happened to be the only one, at the time, who knew anything about what Cynthia was going through, so she should have been trying extra hard to suck up any of her annoyances. Instead, she threatens to leave the mansion and get a hotel, and she also invites her true BFF Diana. Finally, all the housewives could agree on how hypocritical Nene was being even if she couldn’t see it herself. Kim had even told Sweetie to pack up and head home, but at the sight of Diana, she changes her mind and begins to call Nene out on it. Once Diana hears her name, she stupidly decides to join the argument between the two off-and-on again friends. Diana, you’re a good friend, but you’re not a housewife. Haven’t you learned from crazy psychic Alison Dubois on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? The audience will just think you’re dumb and juvenile for inserting yourself into this mundane B.S. Don’t you realize you don’t get paid to look dumb and juvenile like everyone else?! Just enjoy your free vacation and keep your mouth closed.

Cynthia holds strong for most of the trip, and even makes it through her bathing suit fashion show. Kudos to Ms. Bailey because I know when I’m not feeling my happiest is also when I’d least like to be prancing around in a lycra one-piece. She also had to contend with women half her age with butts a quarter of the size of hers. The woman really did have a hard week, but as she said, someone needs to pay the bills now. All this pressure finally explodes with tears over a meal while everyone watched. Nene tries to console her and says they should go home immediately, another low point for the “friend.” She should have said that everyone was there to support her, and Cynthia could use this time to have some fun. Instead, Nene tries to convince Cynthia that she should just do what Nene would do, and that would be to bail. Sheree comes through as the realistic one, saying everyone came down for her and would be sad to see her leave without celebrating with her. (This would be akin to inviting someone to your wedding, making them fly to join you and then not even making it to the alter. People may appear understanding, but they’d be thinking, ‘Not cool, Cynthia.’ I’m happy she didn’t listen to crazy Nene.)

In the end, Phaedra orders some sketchy strippers who also happens to be clients. This, in turn, sketches out the rest of the crew, but everyone laughs and is merry. Lawrence pulls off spot-on impersonations of the housewives, and all the housewives walk away having enjoyed themselves. Sort of… Bright and shiny strippers can distract but not make you forget, silly. Still, Cynthia ends the weekend satisfied that she stuck it out with the ladies. And that’s all that should matter.

QUOTABLES

“Did y’all kill her?” – Sheree to Nene and Kim when Kandi didn’t get off the bus

“I will snap your neck and pop your eyeballs out.” – Nene

“Slaves don’t get paid, dumbass.” – Sweetie behind Nene’s back

“I’ve known her two minutes and that’s pretty much enough.” -Thomas (about Nene)

“NeNe said it’s a girl’s weekend. Lawrence is a girl.” – Sheree

“[Lawrence] loves lipstick. He loves nails. He may even love panties. But he still has a penis.” – Phaedra

“My sample sizes are 4 and 6. That butt is clearly a 12.” -Sheree

“Cynthia may be a model, but in that swimsuit she’s looking like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese. -Phaedra

“Phaedra does have an entertainment law practice. I just didn’t think it was adult entertainment.” –Kim

For another opinion on this episode, check out Going to Miami by Savannah DuBois.

Season 3, Episode 15: Floridon’t (originally aired January 23, 2011)

For more on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, click here.

Mondays at 9pm on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of Bravo and IMDb Pro.

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