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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Review: Goodbye For Now, Ladies of La-La Land

The promos for Part Two of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion made it look like we would all finally get what we came for- rage causing, sob inducing, friendship testing drama. And at first, it did not disappoint.

Andy wasted no time before jumping right back in and prodding for sore spots between the LA ladies. In a matter of seconds, Camille and Kyle were back at each others’ throats, and thankfully acting slightly less restrained than they had in all of Part One. Camille was upset that Kyle called her delusional, but every time Kyle attempted to explain herself, Camille ended up saying something that WAS delusional, thus proving Kyle’s point. This made Camille feel like Kyle was bullying her, which of course sounds extra delusional.

When Andy asked Kim if Kyle was a bully, Kim unconvincingly said no while staring terrified at Kyle as if imagining what retribution might come her way if she gave the wrong answer. Camille was actually the only one to say what we were all thinking, “I’ve seen her bully you, Kim.” At that point, Kim looked like she wished she could hide under the couch rather than face her sister. We can all trust Kim to act like a mindless fragile bird whenever all eyes are focused on her, which is strange behavior from someone who clings to the title of actress so tightly.

Just when Kim looked like she might melt into a puddle of vodka and fear, Andy put Camille in the hot seat. He pointed out that Camille tends to blame everyone else for her troubles. She blamed Kelsey, Kyle, Bravo’s editing, and even Allison DuBois (my absolute favorite non-housewife) for making her look bad all season long. Instead of addressing the questions, Camille took this opportunity to point out that it WAS Kelsey, Kyle, Bravo’s editing, and Allison that made her look bad. What about all the scenes she staged for the camera with her kids, or with common folk thanking her for all of her philanthropy work? Andy responded, “Oh yeah, like that time you compared yourself to Jesus.” Thankfully that shut Camille up for a bit.

The conversation then turned to Lisa and her falling out with Beverly Hills’ token gay cast member- Cedric. Lisa, who was calm but visibly still hurt, explained that Cedric had packed all of his things (in Ken’s suitcases, of course) and left after Ken asked him to pick his things up off of the floor. Apparently tension had been building for a long time, but being asked to clean up after himself like a grown ass man was the last straw for Cedric.

The story didn’t end there. Later, Cedric went to see Ken at his office and tried to blackmail him for money! Cedric allegedly threatened to sell his story or tell lies about the Vanderpumps if they didn’t give him exactly what he wanted. Lisa and Ken (Ken? Todd? I never understood why he had two names) refused and filed a police report about the incident. The rest of the housewives claimed that they had always felt that Cedric was just looking for his fifteen minutes of fame, and was using Lisa to find it. Lisa admitted that Cedric had taken advantage of her despite all the warnings from her friends.

Cedric, of course, now wants to be an actor. A video showed him taking acting lessons and denying Lisa’s allegations. He’s been busy since filming ended. Not busy working for a living, obviously, but from the looks of it busy filling his lips with collagen injections, growing his hair, and perfectly sculpting his eyebrows. Where does this man get money? I think I want to be Cedric when I grow up, except I would stay friends with Lisa forever.

Lisa put the issue to bed (for now) by saying that she thinks Cedric is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve her time or kindness. Then Andy turned our attention to a relationship with even more tension and less love than Lisa and Cedric’s. That’s right, it was time to talk about Taylor’s marriage!

Everyone tread softly when it came to Taylor’s marital distress, all taking care to be extra sensitive. While that makes for stronger friendships and decent human being behavior, it didn’t make for very exciting reunion talk. Beverly Hills is sorely lacking when it comes to having characters we can count on to say something mean and ridiculous. Even Camille’s delusions aren’t enough, since she actually turned out to be fairly relatable, if not likable, in the end. Beverly Hills desperately needs a Kelly Bensimon, Danielle Staub, or Kim Zolciak- someone we can trust to continuously act like a maniac. No such luck with this cast. The ladies commiserated with Taylor and gave heartfelt, if slightly weird, advice.

Andy was obviously as disappointed and bored as I was, because he changed the subject by bringing out the Real Husbands of Beverly Hills. These guys are by far the most likable of all the Real Husbands, and mostly because of Mauricio, the best looking one.

Adrienne’s husband Paul, was sporting a goatee now, but he and Adrienne were still bickering and as boring as ever. Mauricio was still looking sexy and had even been receiving dirty pictures from desperate naked ladies. Ken had also received naked pictures, but his were from 86 year-olds. Russell was there too, being awkward and unlikable.

Andy spoke with each of the husbands for a moment, before asking Ken about the ordeal with Cedric. Ken became upset while explaining the situation and defending his wife, and I realized that I want to be just like Ken and Lisa when I grow up. They are 100% adorable together.

When the husband portion of the night was over, Andy got back down to business. It was time for what we had all been waiting for- confronting Kim about her alcoholism. Sadly, it was then that I realized just how much Bravo had lied to me with their promo promises of a Kim breakdown. Kyle and Kim both refused to discuss any details from the night of their big fight at Taylor’s party. Andy did his best to make Kim talk about her drinking problem, and everyone hinted that alcohol was a factor in Kim’s demise, but Kim took a stand for the first time ever and didn’t  say a word about it. There was some hugging and promises of a sisterly reconciliation in the future, but absolutely no talk of rehab, house stealing, or Kim’s heinous style choices on that fateful night.

To save the day, Andy finished the night with discussion of what was by far the best episode of the season- the Allison DuBois dinner party. There was some discussion of Camille’s playboy shoot, Kyle insistence on a psychic reading, and how horrible Allison’s comments were, but mostly Bravo used this as an opportunity to give us what we really wanted- a flashback montage of Allison’s greatest hits. It. was. wonderful.

To close the season, Andy ended by asking if anyone had any regrets. Their answers were predictable and fairly standard. They all wished they had behaved better and not let their fights go on for so long. Some, like Lisa and Adrienne, had no regrets. Lisa had none because she’s awesome and amazing. Adrienne had none because she’s boring and didn’t do anything all season.

My biggest regret is that this time Bravo managed to actually find a group of ladylike, decent women. Even though they have their share of problems- alcoholism, marital distress, and terrible plastic surgery- they all remained comparatively reasonable and composed throughout the season. After years of watching New York housewives have mental breakdowns at tropical resorts, D.C. housewives commit federal party-crashing crimes, Orange County housewives screech at each other for hours on end, and Atlanta and New Jersey housewives yank on each others’ weaves, could it be that the sanest of all housewives come from the land of sun and delusion? We’ll have to wait until next season to know for sure!

Season 1, Episode 15: Reunion Part 2 (original air date February 1, 2011)

Thursdays at 9/8 Central on Bravo.

Images courtesy of Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo.

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