Drive Angry 3D Review: Dead on Arrival

I first walked into Drive Angry 3D right after the opening credits. So for the first minute and a half, this movie played to a completely empty theatre. I wouldn’t understand how fitting this was until a half an hour into this horrifyingly sadistic, trashy mess of a film. So, before we begin let me make this clear: the only way Drive Angry can be fully appreciated is if it’s played in an empty theater.

Drive Angry stars Nicolas Cage, in a bizarre casting choice, as John Milton. John is a deceased criminal who busts out of Hell on a quest to find and kill Jonah King. King (played by Billy Burke) is a big time cult leader, who has killed John’s daughter and stolen her child, John’s grandchild. Hearing that Jonah has plans to use his grandchild as a human sacrifice in a satanic ritual, John races out of town and heads down to Louisiana in order to save her. Along the way, John meets Piper (Amber Heard), a rough and tough, foul-mouthed good-time girl with unfortunate taste in men as evidenced by her cheating fiancée who is currently stomping the crap out of her. John saves Piper and Piper thanks John by agreeing to help him along his journey. But John’s got some serious secrets that’s he’s hiding from Piper, the first of which is obvious. He’s dead. Now, riding around with a dead man at the wheel is a little more than troublesome, aside from being a sure way to get a moving violation ticket, especially considering John has The Accountant (William Fichtner) on his tail. A supernatural bookkeeper circa bounty hunter, The Accountant has been tasked with bringing Milton back to Hell where he belongs.

I can only assume Drive Angry was meant to be exactly what it was, a blood-driven male fantasy romp. And in that, I must say it has succeeded. With no conscience for finesse and character development, Drive Angry has recklessly extracted this film from the mind of a 12-year-old boy who unfortunately is the only person in the world the law protects from watching this film. There are tons of naked ladies, graphic sex and blood flying out of weird places, but this doesn’t distract from the fact that there is nothing else worth watching in this film. And before you think this is a slight, this film is so far away from presenting anything that would resemble a credible plot device, and instead focuses entirely on the gory and obscene that would dazzle you if, say you were 12 years old and never saw a horror movie or Sports Illustrated in your life. If distractions are all your movies have, they better be top-notch memorable; but these hi-jinks are a dime a dozen.

In the acting department, Nicolas Cage is regrettable as John Milton; he’s emotionless in a role that calls for an actor to at least be able to look angry while driving. I don’t know if maybe Cage is too busy trying to make himself seem cool (he totally is) or maybe he thought that playing a dead man would excuse him from exhibiting emotional range (it doesn’t), but as the lead he does a very poor job of keeping the viewer engaged. And this emotional lapse is what ultimately makes the movie a failure. Where is the passion that made him escape from Hell? Where is the rage, where is the pain from seeing someone you love in the arms of a mad man? Is there anything there at all? The problem with Cage could be expanded for the movie as a whole: the makers of this movie rely on the audience to supply half of the work. They give you the explosions, the physical shell of a human, and the storyline and expect you to connect the dots to make a credible film.

William Fichtner’s The Accountant took a little getting used to; over the top and slightly insane, he didn’t fit into the movie for the vast majority of it. And his character wasn’t appreciated until the end. Jonah King and Amber Heard do credible jobs as an overzealous religious fanatic and a hard knock waitress, respectively. And perhaps in a better film, their efforts would have been greater appreciated.  Drive Angry is written by Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier (who also serves as director).

Drive Angry credits itself for being shot in 3D and for effects it is kind of awesome to be able to see the curve of someone’s skin in a movie. That being said, awesome 3D in a bad movie is still a bad movie. Drive Angry 3D is the male fantasy stuffed with steroids and puffing on marijuana. Yes, sure, it has grand ambitions to dazzle you senseless with flashy cars and naked chicks, but it’s halfway into the execution it’s like they’ve just given up.

Skip it.

Images courtesy of Summit Entertainment and IMDb Pro