Drive Angry Review: Directed by Chad Kroeger

Nicolas Cage is turning into the Chad Kroeger of the movie world, and that is not a good thing. Cage’s latest effort, Drive Angry, is not destined to win awards or be highly acclaimed; it is simply there to entertain on the most basic of levels. If you have gotten a chance to see the trailer then you know what to expect: gratuitous violence, high speed chases, scantily clad women and all the other clichés that Fast and the Furious-type movies bring to the table. I understand that many people go to the movies, primarily for movies like these. Some audiences enjoy the eye candy that is produced from the absurd budgets these action films are granted, even if the story is nearly nonexistent. However, for me personally, just like the music of Nickelback, it gets boring after awhile.

Man escapes from hell, and with the help of a young girl, he hunts down a cult leader and avenges his daughter’s murder. Bam, there it is. Drive Angry’s concept could essentially be written by a middle-schooler. What the movie lacks in plot, it tries to make up with inventive action scenes. For example, instead of our protagonist Milton, played by Cage, just killing all the psychotic cultists that are after him, he opts to massacre them in a hotel, while he is banging the waitress whore he picked up a few minutes earlier. Let me clarify this: his dick is still inside her, as they are flying around the room, jumping from bed to floor, doing spins, as he is shooting everyone. Thank you director Patrick Lussier for taking the next step by melding action and sex scenes together, I guess? I have to admit though, I did laugh when the waitress wasn’t sure why Milton still had all his clothes on, including his leather jacket, while they were fucking and he responds with a simple “I never disrobe before a gun fight.” Then, all of the sudden, all hell breaks loose, and this chick becomes mentally scarred for life.

Aside from the overwhelming amounts of nudity and violence, Drive Angry does have some decent humor sprinkled throughout. Much of the comedy is provided via The Accountant, played by William Fichtner. The Accountant has been sent from hell to retrieve Milton and bring him back to the fiery pit where he belongs. Whether it be him calling an overweight cook a “fat fuck” or casually predicting that people will die within the next five seconds, The Accountant does deliver some laughs. Unfortunately, aside from this comic relief (which I am almost positive is the only reason he is in the movie), there is no purpose for this character. When I go back and think about it, the movie would essentially be the same if they deleted him out. Yet, ironically, The Accountant is the most memorable character in the film. Makes you wonder how great the movie must be when its most primo character doesn’t necessarily need to even be in it.

Sometimes a really over the top, eccentric villain can save a movie like this. Someone in the vein of Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon, or even Malachai and Isaac from Children of the Corn, come to mind. Instead, Drive Angry serves up Jonah King played by Billy Burke, a Satanist who enjoys sacrificing babies and speaking in one of the worst southern accents I have ever heard. Again, along with the rest of this movie, King is very predictable, not well developed, poorly acted and uninspired. In one particular scene, King is licking blood off his ghoulishly long finger nails. While this act should be a frightening one, for whatever reason it was more comical, and I just sat there thinking, “man, this guy is an idiot.” Finally, there is Piper played by Amber Heard, who does a decent job of portraying a struggling, white trash waitress, but let’s not kid ourselves, she is in the film mainly for visual purposes.

I knew I was in for a real treat when there were literally eight other people in the theater with me…and this was opening night. I mean, I guess if you listen to bands like Avenge Seven Fold, wear Affliction shirts and enjoy movies like Gone in Sixty Seconds, you will like this movie. And if that is the case, what the hell is wrong with you? The most depressing part of it all is that all the previews that were attached to Drive Angry were for movies that looked as equally bad (Thor, Fast Five and X-Men First Class). As long as people keep paying to see garbage like this, then the film companies will continue to shovel it out. So when you go out and buy your ticket to Fast Five, you can rest happy knowing you are doing your part in contributing to the downward spiral that is American cinema.

Images courtesy of Summit Entertainment and IMDbPro.