The Game Review: Saving the Sugar for the Sweets

A good show is like a good meal.  It’s filling, and the sugar comes at the end.  One of the classic reasons I’m drawn to The Game is because it is the most realistic portrayal of the lives of professional athletes that you’ll see in reality or scripted TV.  In this week’s episode of The Game, Jason (Coby Bell) reminded Kelly (Brittany Daniel) of the part of the confidentiality clause in their divorce decree where she cannot mention his name (apparently) in the media, i.e. her reality TV show Ex-Ballers’ Wives, lest she won’t get any more of his money. Jenna gives Malik a wake-up call to remind him his people’s lives don’t revolve around him.  Like all good things, the sugar came at the end of the meal and stayed on the candy, where it belonged.

At the end of last week’s episode, Malik (Hosea Chanchez) walked into the rehab clinic ego-bruised, somber, and sucker-punched.  At the beginning of this week’s episode, all jovial and lively, he interrupted a therapy meeting already in progress and was ready to “share” about his drug use.  After explaining that his job as a star athlete involves pain, he went on to explain that he takes the pills for said pain.  Thus, he took the “take as needed” dosage literally.  According to his Eastside-High-School-pre-Mr.-Clark math education, on a good day he only needed 4 to 5 pills.  On his worst days he needed 15 to 20.   The conundrum this fool wanted the doctor to solve: what number between 4 and 20 makes him “not an addict?”  Dr. “Yoda” (Raul Kapoor) hypothesized that Malik “needs” the pills, in layman’s terms, ‘cause he’s crazy and hasn’t dealt with his daddy issues.  After he stormed out of the therapy session, one of Malik’s rehab housemates, the supermodel Jenna Rice (Tika Sumpter), tried to make peace with him by using jelly beans (in lieu of crack).  Apparently jelly beans work as a truth serum because Malik finally started getting to the real.  He thinks the people closest to him don’t care about him because they outgrew him.  Later, in the garden, Malik extended a chocolate turtle olive branch to Jenna (as she had the wisest insight so far this season), who told him that the people who he thought didn’t care about him just got a life for themselves.  Thankfully, she also told him that life was going to go on with or without him, and she encouraged him to get his “head into the game.”  Pun was totally intended.  Malik went to Tee Tee (Barry Floyd) in the chicken truck and made peace with him by apologizing about sleeping with his girl.  Tee Tee’s metaphorical acceptance of his apology came in his letting Malik sample his new “Wright Wings,” extra spicy, subject to burning you, but guaranteed to always be on the menu.  Sweet.

“Med School” (Tia Mowry) and “Ding Dong” (Pooch Hall) made their appearance at local hot spot Liquid Fusion with Tasha Mack blocking photographers and cameras.  When Kelly Pitts entered the club, that included her, too.  After Tasha shot down the cameras and Derwin ditched the girls to speak to the rapper Fabolous, Melanie tried to welcome Kelly back into their threesome, but her invite was shot down with a “two-piece-and-a-biscuit” rejection.  Two piece: Kelly told Med School to stop calling herself a doctor.  Biscuit: Kelly told Tasha that it’d only be a matter of time before Dante reaches puberty and dumps her like Rick Fox did. I was going to say enough with the doctor jokes already, but that one-two punch was kind of funny.  Ultimately the joke was on Kelly when the producer canceled the show when they realized she couldn’t get Jason, Derwin, or any other real ballers on camera.  Still attention-seeking, Kelly headed to the dance floor and finally on stage and did the hoochie-mama dance with Fabolous.  Once Jason got a whiff of her booty dancing, he threatened to take their daughter away after showing Kelly pictures of Brittany in a bikini plastered on the internet.  Kelly’s confrontation with Brittany (Katlynn Smith) over the pictures was as Hollywood as it gets.  Kelly whined and did a tit-for-tat fight with her until Brit finally gave in and went to her room.  Yeah, that’s tellin’ her, Kelly.  She completely saw your point, “hypocrite.”  Kelly went to Melanie and Tasha for help.  Tasha shot straight from the hip and finally told her “factoid 1:” she was shaking her groove thing on the reality show when she should’ve been home being a parent. “Factoid 2:” she’s a horrible mother.  “Factoid 3:” she can get through this.  Tender moments always end better when someone leaves tender — as in, “ouch! that hurt.”  Nevertheless, Kelly lost me…and Melanie, when she hoped Melanie’s story would end better than hers ‘cause Kelly said, “Girl, c’mon.  Don’t act like you don’t have black women problems.”  Still lost as to what specifically those “problems” are.  Shrug.  Whatever.  After confessing to Jason that she quit the show, Kelly asked Jason to keep Britt while she went away for awhile and regrouped.  Sap.

In keeping with the not-sugar-coating spirit of this episode, let me interject.  While The Game has at times mirrored a primetime drama instead of the comedy that it was piloted to be, no viewer is gullible enough to believe that children in “TV Land” grow up as fast as Brittany (Katlynn Smith) did.  Only kids on soap operas go away for two years and come back all grown up.  When The Game ended on The CW two years ago, “Britt Brat” was played by Erica Gluck, who was barely out of elementary school.  She was still having sleepovers.  Now that the show has moved to BET, the part has been recast with Katlynn (who is at least 15 years old according to this You Tube clip) as she portrays the 13-year-old Brittany Pitts.  According to the laws of Merriam-Webster, a “brat” is child.  According to the laws of nature, Katlynn Smith is a woman; therefore, denotatively she is no longer considered a “brat,” which is probably why Jason doesn’t even use the term when he’s talking to or about her anymore.  While Katlynn is a very lovely young woman, the fans want Erica back.  Giving past history, if we start another petition, I’m sure we’d win.  “Splenda!”

Season 4, Episode 7: “You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello” (originally aired February 22, 2011)

Catch The Game Tuesday nights at 10/9c on BET

Images courtesy of BET and IMDbPro

American Idol Review: Harry Potter Glasses, Seth Rogan, and Baby Lock Them Doors Make the Top 24

This week, American Idol tested our loyalty by giving us not one, but two, 2-hour episodes on back to back nights, resulting in 4 full hours of drama, tears, and even some singing.

The antics began at  “daybreak” in Las Vegas, Nevada, as told by Ryan Seacrest. Really, Seacrest? Daybreak??? Who says daybreak? What is this, the old West? Anyhoo … the remaining 61 contestants had 24 hours to learn and perform classic Beatles songs. (New Rule: any contestant who claims to not know who the Beatles are, or doesn’t know even one Beatles song, should be automatically eliminated and thrown into a ravine, just for fun.) The wacky kids formed duos or trios, and then stepped out onto the stage to sing for the judges.

Despite not knowing any Beatles songs, there were quite a few standout performances. Stefano Langone and James Durbin did a pretty kick-ass rockin’ version of “Get Back” that showed off both of their vocals and personality; while the trio of Jacob Lusk, Haley Reinhart, and Naima Adedapo soared with a soulful and gorgeous “The Long and Winding Road“.

I must say that my very least favorite Beatles song of all-time has to be the annoying “I Saw Her Standing There”. Which is why I was shocked at how much I loved the fun, upbeat version performed by Lakeisha Lewis, Jerome Bell, and Tatynisa Wilson. Lakeisha has such a stand-out voice, and this song was so much FUN; it sounded like something that should have been on the soundtrack of Hairspray.

Paul McDonald and Kendra Chantelle surprised me with a lovely duet of “Blackbird” that showcased their unique voices; while the trio of Lauren Alaina, Denise Jackson, and Baby Lock Them Doors McCreery baffled me with their trainwreck “WTF was THAT?” weird-ass bad Vaudeville routine to “Hello, Goodbye”.

Basketcase “I Need a Xanax” Ashley Sullivan and her partner Sophia Shorai did a really terrible job of “We Can Work It Out”, actually somehow making the song sound annoying and whiny. Then randomly and out of absolutely nowhere, Ashley and her boyfriend decided to take advantage of the Las Vegas atmosphere and get married at the same chapel where Britney Spears done and got married on the fly years ago, cuz “Britney Spears is my hero!” says Ashley. Well, that explains a LOT. Strangely enough, after the judges pretty much told her the performance was awful, for the first time EVER, she didn’t flip out or cry or shake uncontrollably. Looks like marriage agrees with her.

I think my favorite Beatles performance came from the team of Casey Abrams and Chris Medina, whose duet of “A Hard Day’s Night” was hilarious, inspiring, unique, and filled with guitar playing and some amazing vocals. It was a total blast.

After the Beatles numbers, the show moved on to immediately making some cuts, (including Carson Higgins, Denise Jackson, and everyone’s favorite trainwreck Ashley Sullivan. Boooo!!!!) which left the total number of contestants at 40. From there, Idol hopefuls had one last chance to prove their worth with a solo song of their choosing. The show began to reveal the Top 24, featuring and showing some of the contestants solo performances along the way.

Before I tell you who is in your Top 24, let’s talk about a few of the people who didn’t make it ….

*Hollie Cavanagh – even though this girl was overemotional at times, I really think she should have made the Top 24. Her voice is just too good for her to not make it, and J.Lo agreed, saying that she was “outvoted” on the very tough decision to not put her through.

*Lakeisha Lewis – this woman, who is both large in voice and in body, totally deserved a spot in the Top 24 over a few of the other females they put in. How can you not put this woman in? Her voice is killer, and its the kind of voice we need on the show. Raw, strong, and beautiful.

*Jacee Bordeaux – Well, this one just broke my damn heart. The Pillsbury Doughboy went home. How can you send the Doughboy home with that sweet as an Angel voice that makes everyone want to sing together in perfect harmony? HOW??? This boy has a voice that promotes World PEACE, dammit! It is a travesty of epic proportions. I just want to hold him in my arms like an infant and rock him to sleep while he cries because he didn’t make it through. Poor Doughboy. The kid was screwed ever since that D-bag threw him out of their music group at 2am during Hollywood Week. I will never forgive Harry Potter glasses for that one.

*Chris Medina – Sigh. This is heartbreaking. First of all, they never really explained WHY he didn’t make it. They sort of vaguely said that he was “inconsistent.” Was he? Where? When? He kicked ass during Hollywood Week, his duet with Casey Abrams was AWESOME and they claimed to love it, and his solo song was absolutely beautiful. The guy has a heartbreaking backstory, yes, but his voice is totally worthy of Top 24 status. I am just sort of baffled by some of the men they DID put through, while leaving this very talented guy behind. Jennifer Lopez could barely keep it together while telling him that he was being sent home, and the second he left the room, she broke down in tears. I liked J. Lo before this happened, but for the first time this season, I really felt her very REAL emotions and heart for these contestants. I felt so badly for her, because you could tell that she was really touched by Medina and didn’t want to send him home. She was really upset; and upset at herself because she felt that she didn’t deliver the bad news in the best way possible. After claiming through tears: “I can’t do this anymore…”, Randy and Steven comforted her and took a 5 minute break, before continuing slashing more people, and building this years cast.

So, ladies and gents, here, along with some commentary and opinion on each, is your American Idol Top 24:

*Naima Adedapo – extremely deserved, unique persona and vocals.

*Clint Jun Gamboa (Harry Potter Glasses) – To put it simply, I loathe this dude. His self-important attitude, conceited persona, and overdramatic antics make him my least favorite contestant by far. And to top it off, his singing voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I don’t get it. The fact that they put HIM through and CUT the Doughboy makes the whole thing even more vomit-inducing. May he go home immediately.

*Paul McDonald – A unique style and voice. Don’t know enough about him yet to feel too strongly one way or the other, but he seems to have a very engaging and different style of talent.

*Ashthon Jones – This girl is what Whitney Houston used to be – before the crack and Bobby Brown stole her voice forever. In addition to having a gorgeous voice, Ashthon also seems to have a vibrant personality.

*Haley Reinhart – This was her second time auditioning, and last time she got cut right before the Top 24, so it was nice to see her make it through.

*Karen Rodriguez – loved her Spanish Selena solo, and she has a great energy about her. Really good potential.

*Robbie Rosen (Pubic-Hair Head) – This guy has a voice … like buttah. And a head of hair like a Chia-Pet. The show seems to love everything he does. I think he is great too, but they seem to all want to bear his children and build statues in his honor.

*Tatynisa Wilson – I don’t understand this choice AT ALL. Sure, she is talented, but talk about not consistent; this chick is the poster-child for it. She completely forgot the words in one round, was totally off-key in another and asked to start over, and her group song wasn’t the best either. How can you put her through and at the same time, call Medina “too inconsistent?” I don’t get it. Plus, I still think that Lakeisha had the strongest voice in that trio, and yet they sent her home and kept Tatynisa. Hmmm.

*Tim Halperin – I am sure he is a lovely person, but I seriously remember absolutely nothing about this guy. Not a thing.

*Julie Zorrilla – Personally, I think she is a tad overrated, and never quite understood the instant love for her. After her first audition, J.Lo asked: “Winner?”, meaning, had they just seen the winner of the show right there? I say no way, or I really hope not. She has a nice voice, but nothing about her excites me or is all that different. To me, there are a billion other girls that look and sound very similar to her, so it just isn’t all that interesting. But what the hell do I know?

*Scotty McCreery (Baby Lock Them Doors McCreery) UGH. Here is another example of inconsistent. Sang the same damn song 15 times, and then completely lost ALL the words to “I Hope You Dance.” I suppose they just need to have their one country-boy in the Top 24, but man does his whole demeanor and voice drive me bonkers. Everytime I hear him sing in that twangy, low-register – I have the urge to hurt innocent people. And that’s just not nice.

*Jovany Barreto – Who the hell is he?

*Lauren Turner – I have no feelings about her one way or the other. She doesn’t really do it for me, but she doesn’t anger me either. She’s just there.

*Rachel Zevita – This chick kind of irritates me and I’m not sure why yet. I guess I just don’t get it. I would have chosen others over her for the Top 24.

*Kendra Chantelle – I feel like I know little about her, but I did quite enjoy her Beatles duet of “Blackbird”. Right now, that is about all I’ve got.

*Jordan Dorsey – Very nice voice, but for some reason, I don’t find myself caring about him as a person.

*Lauren Alaina – This is the chick who is obsessed with Steven Tyler and sings to him over and over. I really do like her voice. It is strong and sort of rockin’. Just not too sure how I feel about HER just yet. The jury is still out.

*Stefano Langone – He was one of my three favorites from day one, and I still really adore him. Fantastic voice, great smile, and just all-around good talent.

*Jacob Lusk – Wow. Just “wow!” Like Randy Jackson said, his version of “God Bless The Child” was the best performance EVER in Idol history. I completely agree. This guy has “it” in every single way you can have it, and I see him in the Top 10 for sure. His voice makes you want to go to church, even if you’re not religious. An immense talent, and he also had the BEST reaction to getting through to the Top 24.

*Brett Loewenstern – extremely unique and eccentric, with a gorgeous vocal ability. I look forward to hearing him perform and seeing what he does.

*Pia Toscano – Pretty girl. Pretty voice.

*James Durbin – one of my favorites still. I love his story, his attitude, his voice, and his overall spirit. I like the guy.

*Casey Abrams (Seth Rogan) - Very quickly becoming my overall favorite in the competition. A Stand-up bass? And that voice? Come ON now. The guy is absolutely incredible and I would buy his CD tomorrow.

*Thia Megia – I don’t get it.

Whew! Okay, I’m tired now. There you have it folks – your Top 24. Next week, America starts voting as we get to hear the men sing on Tuesday, and the women on Wednesday. What are your thoughts? Was your favorite contestant sent home this week? Are you happy with the Top 24? What would John Lennon think of all this? Sound off here!

Need more Idol? Read “The Long and Winding Road” by Erin Biglow.

Season 10, Episodes 11-12 (originally aired February 23 & 24, 2011)

Wednesdays and Thursdays, 8/7c on FOX

Images courtesy of imdbpro and Ray Mickshaw.

Read more American Idol opinions here.

America’s Next Top Model Review: Welcome Back, Tyra

If I could use one word to sum up the America’s Next Top Model season premiere, it would be “LOUUUUD.” If you love the runway, models, fashion, and more importantly, tall, shrieking giraffes then this show is for you. I will say, however, that the contestants are just as gorgeous as ever. The long running reality show, with host Tyra Banks, is back for a sixteenth season and Miss Banks and her panel didn’t waste any time getting down to business!

Fourteen lovely ladies were chosen for this season but that was no simple task. Maybe to establish that the girls’ fate on the show is never certain, they made sure to scare the group nice and good by first pretending that all the chosen girls were actually cut from the casting process. Just kidding! You all get to stay (even the ones giving Tyra the evil eye for thinking that they weren’t picked)! So the girls settle into their new apartment. Like most ANTM premiere episodes, we’re introduced to the models’ personalities and we get to see who the sweetheart is, who’s insecure and who the mouthy ones are. Although, the meet and greet was somewhat limited so we haven’t gotten to see too much just yet. As the series goes on we’ll get to know the girls much better and some impending drama is sure to follow (the best part, right?!). With every announcement made thus far, squealing proceeded. Whether receiving “Tyra Mail,” being told it was time for their first photo shoot, or just watching Miss J (J. Alexander) strut around, it was as if a flock of pterodactyls came screeching into the room every time. I guess it’s both kind of humorous and bizarre to watch their heads collectively explode though.

In traditional ANTM fashion, the challenges for the models are never simple. The first challenge involved the models parading down a twelve-inch wide runway over a shallow pond in front of a small audience. That wouldn’t be so horrible if they weren’t forcing the girls into giant plastic bubbles and expecting them to walk gracefully down what they call a runway. They were in literally big, clear, plastic beach balls. Needless to say, but I will anyway, at least two of the girls completely bit it and wiped out.

All the fun and games came to a quick halt by the end when it was time for elimination. Dominique was one of two on the chopping block but just narrowly slid by and moved on to remain in the competition. Sadly, the bombshell beauty Angelia was cut. It must be a horrible feeling to be the first one sent home. You’re barely there long enough to feel like you’ve been a part of the competition but, in the fashion and beauty industry, it’s all about clawing your way to the top. There’s a good chance that some of this season’s girls will take that term both figuratively and literally and that’s what I want to see. Bring your A game, ladies, and show us what fierce really looks like!

Season 16, Episode 1: Erin Wasson (original air date February 23, 2011)

For another take on this episode, check out “Busted-Up Broads in Bubbles” by Savannah DuBois

Wednesdays 8/7 central on The CW

Images courtesy of The CW, Chris Frawley, and Pottle Productions.

Survivor Review: Surviving Surprises

Survivor was not short on surprises this week. First off, if you were thinking that Phillip’s psychotic meltdown from the first episode was a onetime occurrence, you were dead wrong. His encore in this episode was priceless. Secondly, for no apparent reason, Boston Rob may have begun his own demise unwittingly. And finally, it became clear that the Zapatera tribe is the stronger tribe in challenges.

Let me begin by saying, please god let Phillip stay on this show as long as possible. This guy is a character. He may be an idiot, but he is definitely entertaining. His tribe, Ometepe, lost the immunity challenge this week and a lot of the blame was placed squarely on Phillips shoulders. When confronted about this during tribal council by Jeff Probst, Phillip went off on this diatribe about being a gorilla and a lion, showing tattoos of both animals on his arms. Classic. Survivor seems to cast one mentally unstable person each season (Coach, one of my all-time favorites comes to mind), and this season they hit the jackpot with Phillip. As of right now, the gorilla/lion moment is the best of the season, but hopefully it is the first of many moronic meltdowns from this guy.

For some reason Boston Rob does not come off as a smart person to me. He talks slowly, almost dopey and perhaps with a touch of retardation. After the first episode it was clear that Rob had the most power in his tribe. Why mess with that so early? I can see making some big moves once you get to the merge in an attempt to cast off some of the people you think may stand in your way at the end. At this point in the show, I would want to keep people around who would help me get to the merge with numbers. However, all it took for Matt (surfer looking dude) to get the boot this week was shaking the hands of the other tribe after a loss. Yes, that would piss me off too if I were Rob, however, I wouldn’t let it lead to the beginning of a blindside that would create a schism in the middle of my alliance. It should be interesting to see what the fallout of this unexpected vote is like next week.

Finally, the one person that I think could possibly benefit from this is Kristina. She was a complete goner at the end of the first episode, but now that there may be some conflict within the other members of her tribe, it gives her a fighting chance. If she can begin to convince her tribe mates that Rob can’t be trusted, she may be able to stick around a little while longer. However, she did play the idol at tribal council this week, so next week there will be nothing to save her if the rest of the tribe decides to vote her off.

With all that being said, I think the Zapatera tribe contains the overall winner of Survivor this season. They already have won two immunity challenges, giving them a larger tribe, and when the merge comes around that is the most important factor. Hopefully when they do have to vote someone out, Russell will be the one to go because he is the epitome of the obnoxious reality star who thinks he is king shit. I have narrowed down my pick for sole survivor to the Zapatera tribe, and I’m going to have to cop out and not pick one until next week, simply because I don’t even know the names of all the contestants yet. But I can tell you this, this show always has twists and turns making each episode a mini season within itself, so stayed tuned in.

Season 22, Episode 2: You Own My Vote (originally aired February 23, 2011)

For more on Survivor, click here.

Don’t miss Survivor: Redemption Island Wednesdays, 8/7c on CBS.

Photographs courtesy of CBS Broadcasting, Inc.

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Unknown Review: Identity Crisis

Liam Neeson’s recent detour into the action-hero persona he unexpectedly embraced in the surprise 2008 hit Taken shows no signs of redirecting the actor back to the Oscar-bait roles that made his career in the 90s. The days of Schindler’s List and Michael Collins apparently long behind him, Neeson has instead chosen to embrace more commercial, if not shallower, fare such as The A-Team and, for crying out loud, Clash of the Titans in recent years. However, Taken’s successful strategy of mixing a vengeful father with airtight direction, lightning-quick pacing and plenty of shamelessly entertaining, first-rate ass-kicking, gave Neeson his biggest top-billed box-office smash to date. It’s no surprise, then, that he’d be quick to return to a similar role that, on the surface, seems to be a natural progression of Taken’s winning formula. Indeed, the mistaken identity thriller Unknown seems to have all the proper players and pieces to execute an action-packed cerebral caper. Unfortunately, crater-sized plot holes dwarf the promising premise and a too little, too late “surprise” twist sadly doesn’t make the preceding preposterousness worth the trouble.

Neeson stars as Dr. Martin Harris, a botanist traveling to Berlin for an international biotechnology summit. He arrives in the snowy German capital with his appropriately icy wife, Elizabeth (January Jones, whose acting ranges from a halfhearted Betty Draper impression to a mind-numbing exercise in blank stares), in tow. In a pointedly obvious piece of foreshadowing, Martin leaves an important-looking briefcase (we know it’s important because of the lingering camera shot, you see) at the airport, not realizing his mistake until he and Elizabeth arrive at their hotel and he is sans identification. Leaving Liz to fend for herself, Martin hightails it back to the airport to retrieve his missing bag and is involved in a car accident whose cause is something straight out of the Final Destination movies. The taxi careens off a bridge and plunges into the river below, when Martin suffers a head injury and is saved by the improbably heroic and improbably gorgeous cabbie (Inglourious Basterds’ Diane Kruger).

Four days later, Martin awakens in the hospital to discover he’s been in a coma and no one, including his wife, has attempted to look for him. When he returns to the biotech conference to find her, the story unleashes its first “Aha!” moment as Liz greets a frantic Martin with the obligatory “Do I know you?” puzzled inquiry. To add to Martin’s confusion and horror, Liz actually is at the conference with her husband, Dr. Martin Harris. However, this Dr. Harris is in the form of Aidan Quinn, who conveniently possesses the necessary documentation to prove his identity that Neeson’s Dr. Harris does not.

This convoluted plot setup can be completely derived from watching the trailer, but further explanation of subsequent events is both unnecessary and at risk of revealing the answer to the question plaguing both Neeson and the audience: Who is the real Dr. Martin Harris? After realizing either his identity or his sanity has escaped him, Neeson embarks on a journey to get to the bottom of his quandary with all the furrowed-brow gusto he exhibited in Taken. This time, however, he needn’t go it alone, as he has the help of Kruger’s down-on-her-luck, illegal immigrant taxi driver, Gina (Kruger does her best, but is woefully miscast – this woman played Helen of Troy, people), and the sage wisdom of ex-Stasi officer Ernst Jurgen (Bruno Ganz), whose welcome assistance provides perhaps the only logical thought process in the entire film. Frank Langella arrives late to the party as a colleague of Neeson’s, and helps deliver the film’s most electrifying scene in a subtext-laden standoff with Ganz’s Herr Jurgen.

A decent portion of Unknown is a notable, albeit watered-down, counterpart to the many predecessors it borrows from. The elements of eluding and exterminating various Euro-villains in the wake of memory loss reeks of the better Bourne movies, and the undercurrent of mistaken identity propelling the protagonist’s actions is as Hitchcockian a theme as Jones’ empty-eyed, monotone blonde. Kruger’s feistier, similarly towheaded sidekick is a much more satisfying female presence, especially alongside Neeson’s understandably frustrated and despondent Martin. However, director Jaume Collet-Serra’s storytelling approach is regrettably inconsistent and varies from mysteriously bewildering at best to awkwardly clunky at worst. Neeson provides a sturdy, yet vulnerable performance capable of evoking genuine sympathy from the audience, aided by the smart use of subjective camera work and the writers’ sloppier tactic of making Quinn’s version of Dr. Martin Harris a pompous windbag.

Judging by its framework alone, Unknown is a competent and capable throwback thriller, but the heart of the story is undermined by peripheral afterthoughts that only muddle the film’s direction. After a slow but encouraging prologue, Unknown quickly loses focus by introducing fringe elements of the plot that divert the film from both credibility and, more importantly, Neeson’s internal and external struggles to prove he is who he says – or thinks – he really is. The assassination attempt of an Arab prince and the discovery of a world-altering crop-growing formula (seriously) are presented as relevant facets to a storyline that doesn’t need to overcomplicate itself with such needless additives. The ads for Unknown feature a brooding Neeson with the tagline “Take Back Your Life” emphatically stamped upon his silhouette. Unfortunately, audiences might just want to take back their two hours by the time the credits roll.

Photo by Courtesy of Warner Bros. Picture – © 2011 Dark Castle Holdings, LLC

Video: Hangover 2 Trailer (New)

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Glee Review: Rachel Berry House Party Trainwreck Extravaganza

I felt a little drunk by the end of “Blame It On the Alcohol,” and I can only guess that was sort of the point. Still, with all raucous, drunken times comes a bitter hangover, and a few things just did not sit right this week.

By no means do I believe that Glee is a perfect show. Hell, it’s one of the more inconsistent out there, but there are so many different aspects and layers to the show that I’m often pleased with most components at any given time. In a television landscape where few shows surprise me on a consistent basis, I embrace the ones that do. Undeniably, Glee is one of them. I can also commend the show for tackling the “wet devil,” and the evils that can be wrought, in a tried and true way that still manage to feel fresh and hip. The writers got in some good statistics. They showed us responsible adults taking taxis and kids designating a sober driver, and I definitely think that having the glee club, honestly, not buy into the “alcohol = bad” assembly but end up paying the price helped. This was no PBS special, folks.

This week, glee club gets a little wild and freaky as the singers embark on a giggle juice bender. Figgins tasks Mr. Schu and New Directions with putting on a performance, highlighting the dangers of teenage drinking at the upcoming Alcohol Awareness Week assembly, after six students were suspended for drunkenness on school grounds. Rachel, having so far failed at writing an inspiring anthem for Regionals that doesn’t have to do with her headbands, gets some advice from Finn. “It’s not emotional…or, like, good.” Okay, that wasn’t the poignant part. It went more like this: live a little and maybe she’ll have something worthwhile to write about. Earlier, Puck had heard that Rachel’s dads were out-of-town and wanted the good girl to go bad and throw a party. And so the “Rachel Berry house party trainwreck extravaganza” is on!

At first, Rachel’s two wine coolers rule don’t seem to do the trick, but she gives in to a persistent Puckerman and allows him to break into the liquor cabinet. What follows is a haze of glee club madness. We get to watch the party through the eyes, more or less, of a sober Finn and Kurt. Finn’s the designated driver, and Kurt doesn’t want to get too sloppy when he’s still trying to impress Blaine. “Clearly, he doesn’t have the same concern,” says Kurt as Blaine falls over in the background. Both are unprepared for the wrath of a wasted Rachel. Yes, after three wine coolers, she will cling, in that pawing, needy manner, to her most recent ex and steal your gay crush right from under your nose once that ex denies her. Alright, when I put it like that, she sounds awful, but really the girl just wants to let loose. Finn is needlessly mean to her when she gets a little too close for comfort. He could have just spun her around and ran, and she wouldn’t have known the difference! But I did feel for Kurt who had to watch a, seemingly, passionate kiss between Rachel and Blaine while he was practically sandwiched between them.

The party, though short, is pretty exceptional to watch especially since the writers attempt to throw in every television, drinking PSA cliché. Brittany starts stripping. People are playing quarters and taking body shots. There’s a lot of making out. There’s the “fun now, embarrassing tomorrow” game of spin the bottle. Now if only there was seven minutes in heaven, a rooftop jump into a pool and a stolen car, joy ride then the cliché circle would have been complete. It’s what follows after that perplexes me a bit.

I’m in the camp of “anything you can do, Blaine can do better.” Much like Jonathan Groff‘s Jesse St. James, I think Darren Criss is perfect for the role, but I don’t appreciate the writers fawning over him as well. I can fawn and drool and swoon all I want. It’s their job to edit those feelings so that a cohesive storyline forms, and it doesn’t appear to be the Blaine Show. I won’t even undermine his storyline, this week, for implausibility, it just felt like an unnecessary plot regression and an easy way to force Blaine into the McKinley world and give him another chance at a solo that one of the regulars could have had. (But, man, was “Don’t You Want Me” so good in all its 80s glory.) To spell it out, Blaine and Rachel kiss. Kurt becomes jealous, and he and Blaine fight over his wishy-washy behavior. Blaine is supposed to be assured, Kurt believes, and gay! “Bisexuals are a term gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.” Blaine doesn’t want to be judged for experimenting, and he has every right to feel this way. Rachel thinks she can turn the man straight with another kiss, therefore claiming, for herself, a man who is her equal on a mental, emotional and duet level.

I enjoyed seeing a storyline between Kurt and Blaine that was rife with a little honest tension and less unwavering adoration, but haven’t we seen this before with Mercedes’ crush on Kurt in “Acafellas” and his brief stint with Brittany during “Laryngitis?” I’m not saying it isn’t a worthwhile story point for a young, gay character, but it did feel like a retread. In the end, Blaine and Rachel do go on a date, much to Kurt’s chagrin, but one sober kiss proves that Blaine is most certainly as gay as they come. Blaine is reassured, and Rachel now has a life experience to write about. Yes, two gay dads and a mother who abandoned you just isn’t enough.

Elsewhere in Lima, Bieste and Schu have become my new, favorite friendship. Bieste drags Will out to get his mind off his divorce, which for some reason is only now beginning to set in, and the recently married Emma. The two head to a honky-tonk restaurant where Will gets smashed. He rides a bull, he sings a country song (“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”), and he kisses Bieste on the lips! When did they become such close friends?! Who cares? I like it a lot. In fact, I love it. Afterward, he wonders if, as teachers, they can truly condemn drinking when he did it at their age and turned out okay. (You may be okay, Will, but you are also a Spanish teacher who almost never teaches Spanish and praises his kids when they perform while under the influence. See: tonight’s “Blame It” or both “Vitamin D” performances.)

Before she leaves, Bieste sums up the episodes message by saying, “We’re not teenagers any more, Will. The way I see it, can’t just lecture kids. I mean, we can’t stop ‘em from drinking if that’s what they’re gonna do. The best we can do is make them aware of the dangers and hope they’re smart enough to make it on their own.” Though she gets him home safe, she cannot save him from drunk dialing, another horrible, boozing side effect. The next day he thinks he dialed Emma and starts to apologize, but an announcement by Sue over the loud speaker makes it clear who got his late night, booty call voicemail. This is why friends don’t let friends drunk dial or text, especially when they have horrible co-workers ready to exploit their finger foibles at every turn.

At the assembly, the glee club performs one of the least likely songs to ever be featured in a SADD campaign when Brittany rockingly takes on “Tik Tok.” With a boost of liquid courage, they gets the crowd on their feet, but Brittany ends up puking on Rachel, which triggers Santana to puke. You get the very, very not pretty picture. It seems like everyone’s in big trouble, but Figgins believes this all to be an act and congratulates the club for turning the student body away from alcohol with memories of vomit and humiliation. However, it appears to be a long road before Will towards redeeming himself after his public shaming. He’s just rekindled a friendship with Emma, and clearly, all that talk of being over her and moving on were just a bad case of denial. However, he does convince his glee kids to say no to the booze until Nationals is over. He even gets them to sign a pledge and give them his cell number if they fall off the wagon.

Overall, the episode had some solid, albeit not fantastic, music, and anytime we can focus on Brittany performing, I’m buzzed. But Sue’s snippet about almost killing the last Aural Intensity coach to get her new gig or Blaine out-in-out of the closet confusion sent me in a different direction. Yes, Sue is evil and over-the-top, and throwing a kid or two around is one thing, but basically bludgeoning someone isn’t that funny and certainly pulls me out the down-to-earth parts of the story. Still, like I’ve said before, if the music’s good and the big picture comes together, I can usually overlook the little writing incongruities and still love the show. Now I’m heading to the bar, by cab of course. Who’s with me?!

The Songs

“Don’t You Want Me” by The Human League
Sung by Lea Michele (Rachel) and Darren Criss (Blaine)
Grade: A-

“Blame It” by Jamie Foxx featuring T-Pain
Sung by Kevin McHale (Artie), Mark Salling (Puck), Amber Riley (Mercedes) and Naya Rivera (Santana)
Grade: A-

“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” by George Thorogood
Sung by Matthew Morrison (Will) and Dot-Marie Jones (Bieste)
Grade: B

“Tik Tok” by Ke$ha
Sung by Heather Morris (Brittany)
Grade: B+

Memorable Moments

• “Pop music now glorifies binge drinking. Just listen to any hit by ‘Key-dollar sign-ha’.” – Figgins
• “You’re coaching a glee club that can only beat choirs of old people. You’re re-hashing the details of your failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances. And when my glee club crushes yours at Regionals, you will have lost all meaning in life and turn to drinking.” – Sue
• The return of the split-screen, hallway phone call.
• Rachel’s dress, straight off of Little Lucy from my favorite old school, computer game Oregon Trail
• “It tastes like pink!” – Rachel after chugging a wine cooler. Drunk or not, she’s correct.
• Learning what types of drunk all the glee ladies are. Santana: the weepy, hysterical drunk. Lauren and Quinn: the “angry girl” drunks. Brittany: “the girl who turns into a stripper” drunk. Mercedes and Tina: the “happy girl” drunk. Rachel: the “needy girl” drunk.
• “I own that guppy mouth. Those trouty, Aerosmith lips belong to me.” – Santana
• “Your face tastes awesome!” – Rachel after kissing Blaine. Rub it in, why don’t you?
• Quinn clearly missing Sam and barely caring about Finn.
• “I need to close my locker, and it’s going to sound like a gun shot.” – Tina
• “I’ve been dry heaving all weekend. When my mom asked what the sound was, I told her I was practicing bird calls.” – Santana
• “I told my mom I had the flu, and she made me a traditional tea made out of panda hair.” – Mike
• “I don’t even know who you are.” – Mr. Schu while drunkenly grading papers after giving a ton of random As.
• “I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain. From what I gather, something went down in the tent.” – Burt
• “Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that you will date that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.” – Kurt
• “It’s like nursing a POW back to health so he’s at his strongest when you torture him to death.” – Sue
• “Oh, you’re one to talk. How about you crack a Four Loko, Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton?” – Santana to Mr. Schu
• “That is so racist.”- Brittany, after Quinn uses “the pot calling the kettle black” saying

For another take on this episode, read “Drinking is SO. MUCH. FUN.” by Alana D.

Season 2, Episode 14: Blame It On the Alcohol (originally aired February 22, 2011)

Tuesdays at 8pm on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDb Pro.

White Collar Review: Keller’s Return

A villain is a character whose evil actions or motives are important to the plot, usually stirring up trouble for the heroes. You’re not supposed to like the villain, right?  This is not always the case, at least not for me because this week, Neal Caffrey’s nemesis and my favorite White Collar villain, Matthew Keller (Ross McCall) returns –  much to his chagrin and my delight.

Neal’s old rival, who Peter describes as, “a little bit more Ratso Rizzo than Cary Grant,” Matthew Keller has recently been sentenced to twenty years in a supermax prison. 

Keller insists he has valuable security information and would like to make a deal, but only with Agent Burke. Caffrey and Peter pay Keller a visit in prison. It comes as no surprise that the charismatic Keller is doing quite well for himself in jail with cigars and pot, but he does explain that asking for a deal is his “move of last resort.” Keller, who even makes the jailhouse orange look good, says to check out Jason Lang (Adam Goldberg), who may be creating high quality passports for all sorts of undesirable characters. In exchange, he’d like to stay put in his current, comfortable, minumum security jail cell.

The next morning, Peter and El get into an argument over Peter forgetting the dry cleaning and both leave the house somewhat annoyed. At the FBI, Peter explains to Neal that Keller and Lang worked together on a Belmont bond forgery, which went south when Lang ended up shooting Keller and destroying the bonds. Neal suggests Keller is going for the trifecta: “take out the man that shot him, secure his stay in a federal hotel room, and tweak me in the process.”

While Neal and Peter head to question Lang at his studio, Peter confides in Neal he’s still upset about his fight with El and that he didn’t call her hun, their abbreviation for “I love you.” Neal suggests he call her as soon as they’re done talking to Lang.

Inside, they find equipment for creating the holographic images used in Lang’s artwork, but could also be used to create fake passports. Lang flees the studio and Peter pursues him, which turns out to be a setup—Lang kidnaps Peter and forces him to leave behind his cell phone. Neal, who ran out of the front of the studio, witnesses the whole thing. Peter’s cell begins to ring, and, of course, it’s Keller warning Neal to comply or else Peter will be killed.

The next time we see Peter, Lang has him handcuffed to a chair and locked in a prison-like cell. Neal goes to the prison to confront Keller. Keller owes the Russians, who are at the maximum security prison, $2.5 million. He tells Neal he has the three hours until his transfer to come up with the money.

Neal finally calls Diana to tell her Peter has been kidnapped. Peter’s boss, Hughes, wants Neal to go home and let the FBI handle finding Peter, but El tells Neal to do “whatever it takes to bring him [Peter] home.”

Next, Neal and Moz meet up at Madison Square Park. We learn how Neal was going to propose to Kate and he uncovers the engagement ring he had hidden on a statue in the park. The gorgeous ring is worth $2.5 million and Moz asks “are you really willing to give that up for the suit?” Neal responds, “keeping Peter alive is more important than holding a candle for someone who isn’t.”

Meanwhile, Peter sees a safety pin on his jacket from the dry cleaners and begins to use it to pick the handcuffs. He overhears Lang discussing how he is helping Keller escape from prison during his transfer. Lang also informs Peter that Keller plans on killing him once he’s free.

Mozzie checks in on Elizabeth, who is frustrated that the FBI is keeping her in the dark and upset that she had a fight withPeter before he was kidnapped. Mozzie helps out by planting a bug so El can hear the FBI’s conversations. While Moz is meeting with El, Neal is meeting with Lang. He refuses to hand the ring over until he gets proof Peter is alive. Lang grants Neal one question for Peter, so he asks “what was the cell phone number Caffrey was using the first time you caught him?” When answering, Peter is able to get a message through the numbers to Neal and Diana—“no transfer.” Diana immediately calls Jones to call off the transfer but it’s already en route and unfortunately, with the help of the guards, Keller is able to escape.

After escaping, Keller is supposed to meet up with Lang but he’s running late - and stressing out Lang. Peter taunts him as he works the handcuffs off. Lang goes to shoot Peter, who surprises him by jumping out of the chair and knocking him out cold.

Peter uses Lang’s cell phone to call the FBI, which interrupts Hughes reaming Diana and Neal for their side investigation. Peter needs Neal to walk him through a jailbreak. At the FBI, they recreate the cell Peter is being held in. Neal walks him through step by step of the jailbreak and Peter needs to hang up to perform the final step just as Lang stirs on the ground. Everyone, including myself, waits in suspense until the phone rings and Peter announces, “I’m out”…and “I’ve got Lang.”

The FBI and Neal rush over to help “escape artist extraordinaire Peter Burke.” Peter and Neal speculate that Keller must have planned not to show up. Elizabeth and Peter reunite and share a tender moment saying “hey hun” to each other.

Neal’s cell phone rings and it’s Keller, who insists they call this round a draw and take a break for awhile. Neal is adamant he will find him, but Keller remarks he’s already out of his radius and Neal is “starting to sound like a lawman.” Keller, who looks quite dapper in his suit, ditches his cell phone and disappears.

Another fun episode! I love Matthew Keller, yet at the same time watching as he torments Neal and Peter drives me crazy. He’s the perfect villain to keep our dynamic duo on their toes and is portrayed flawlessly by Ross McCall. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s so easy on the eyes! Please Jeff Eastin, more Keller in Season 3!

Collars, say it ain’t so—just two more episodes left in season 2.5. Next week, in an interesting twist—Neal and Peter assume each other’s identity! Watch the promo here.

For another opinion on this week’s episode, check out “Old Friends, Old Foes” by Josh Hatala

Season 2, Episode 14 “Payback” (original air date February 23, 2011)

White Collar airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on USA Network.

Images courtesy of Myles Aronowitz and USA Network.

 

 

 

White Collar Review: Old Friends, Old Foes

Last night’s White Collar, “Payback,” caught up with one of Neal’s old rivals Matthew Keller (guest star Ross McCall). Keller is a murderer who was apprehended by the White Collar unit and handed a 20 year sentence in a supermax prison. Neal and Peter head to the prison to see Keller who, during a chess game, tells them he has information on fake passports sold to terrorists and smugglers. He’ll hand over the information in exchange for staying in the current minimum security facility. He gives Peter and Neal the name Jason Lang (guest star Adam Goldberg).

Later at the Burke residence, Peter and Elizabeth have a heated discussion about his forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning and her preemptively picking it up, knowing he’d forget. Meanwhile Mozzie and Neal think it would be best if Keller was transferred to the supermax prison as scheduled. Peter discovers Lang and Keller used to be partners,  and only called it off when Lang shot him. Neal thinks that story is a cover and he and Peter continue to look into it. Peter tells Neal about his “fight” with Elizabeth over the dry cleaning, which Neal almost laughs off.

Lang tells Peter he makes a good living as a legitimate photographer and doesn’t need any shady side dealings, while Neal takes note of the equipment needed to make passports, as well as the use of holograms in Lang’s artwork. Lang tries to run off, and when Peter gives chase he’s jumped and shoved in a van.

Neal follows closely and finds a ringing phone on the ground. Keller’s on the other end telling him he’ll have to play along to keep Peter alive. Peter tells Lang that Keller’s going to betray him in the end and tries to make a deal, which Lang refuses.

Neal goes to see Keller, who is about to be transferred and afraid for his life because of a $2.5 million debt he owes to a group of Russians. Keller mentions something Neal stole six years earlier worth that amount and gives him three hours to get it. Neal calls in Diana for back up.

Back at the FBI, Hughes organizes an operation to retrieve Peter and tells Neal he will not negotiate with Keller, who he’s still sending to supermax. Mozzie calls Neal, sets up a meeting, and tells him to bring a hammer.

Elizabeth comes to the Bureau and Neal tells her Keller is prepared for whatever action the FBI is going to take. He asks her what she wants him to do, and she responds “Whatever it takes to bring him home.” After assuring Diana that Peter will be killed if they don’t take action, Neal gets her onboard with his plan.

Neal meets Mozzie and the two chisel a solitaire ring from a statue, the item Keller referenced earlier. Still with his captors, Peter uses a leftover safety pin from his dry cleaning to work on his handcuffs. He figures out Lang has plans to break Keller out during the exchange, then eventually come back and kill him.

Mozzie stops to see Elizabeth and ensures her Peter will be home safely, but gives her a bug he planted so she can track the progress. At the exchange, Neal tells Lang he won’t give him the ring without proof Peter’s okay. He allows Neal to text Peter on question, and Neal relays the response to Diana as a code meaning “No Transfer.” Diana has Jones try to stop the convoy, but he’s too late as Keller is already breaking out of the bus and escapes.

Lang waits for Keller while Peter gets his cuffs off and tries to get Lang to shoot him. Peter gets hold of the gun, knocks Lang out, and goes for his phone.

On the FBI front, Hughes is upset with Neal for trying to deal with Keller. Peter calls and asks to talk to Neal, trying to figure out how to break out of the cell he’s locked in. Neal talks him through it and Peter calls back, now holding Lang at gunpoint. The team shows up and waits for Keller, who never arrives. Neal thinks  that was his plan the whole time.

Peter wants to give Neal back the ring, knowing he intended to give it to Kate, but Neal won’t accept it. Peter reunites with Elizabeth while Keller calls Neal and suggests the two leave each other alone now. Neal refuses and promises to find him.

We’re getting closer and closer to the finale and still I feel like I’ve no idea what to expect of the fractal plot. Team White Collar is very good at distracting the audience. While caught up in this episode, I’d completely forgotten the still unraveling mystery  until next week’s preview announced how few episodes are left in the season.

What does the fractal unlock? Is Kate really gone? Does Keller have a role to play? What part does Adler need it for? I guess we’ll just have to stay tuned…

For another take on this week’s episode, see “Keller’s Return” by Allison Toner.

Season 2, Episode 14 “Payback” (original air date February 23, 2011)

White Collar airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on USA Network.

Images courtesy of Myles Aronowitz and USA Network.

The Bachelor Review: House and Home

It’s the week we’ve all been waiting for on The Bachelor, as Brad Womack takes time out of his busy schedule of delivering flowers to visit the homes of the four remaining bachelorettes. Week 8 marks the beginning of the end for these romantic hopefuls, and I find myself gleefully looking forward to the tearful rose ceremony departures that await. I’m not proud of what I’ve become.

Brad greets us from the exotic locale of New York City, where he’s preparing for the high-stakes tour of the U.S. which will bring him one step closer to the most important day of his life. He admits that he’s nervous before adding, “Also, I’m thinking a lot.” Don’t hurt yourself, buddy. Our bachelor gives us a refresher course on the women he’s considering. Chantal is confident and unpredictable, but she’s also emotional. Brad can envision a future with her as his wife, but he’s afraid of her “roller coaster” of emotions. I wonder if her occasional bouts of annoyance and insecurity might have something to do with the completely unfair, unnatural, and demanding conditions of the game. Probably not. You know those women, always insisting upon personal attention and reassurance in a new relationship, what with those irrational and reckless emotions and all. The best thing Brad can say about Ashley is that she’s “energetic and bubbly,” meaning he would have liked to party with her in college but the chances for procreation are slim. The editors break out the raunchy 90s-era rock n’ roll guitar for Shawntel, whom Brad describes as “beautiful and unassuming” with “no drama.” He says something about Emily, but I’m too distracted by how much like a living Barbie doll she looks. “One of these women is going to be my wife,” Brad intones insistently. This show’s track record is so good that I have no reason to doubt his certainty.

First we’re off to Seattle for Chantal’s hometown date, and Brad could not be more excited to see her. Chantal, for her part, is glad that the “tables are turned,” that she gets to rule Brad out if her family doesn’t approve. We’ll see in a few moments why that probably won’t be a concern. Brad, upon his arrival to the city, makes a point to gush about how beautiful the place is while reminding Chantal that there’s no chance he’d ever live anywhere but Austin, Texas. Brad visits his date’s house, which she shares with two cats and a dog. He’s visibly miffed upon learning that he’ll inherit these pets should he choose to propose to Chantal. Claiming that his downtown loft is small with no closet space, Brad starts to second-guess his intentions of following through with this thing. What happened to that massive property in L.A. to which you drove Michelle for a visit, Brad? Don’t tell me it was a hollowed-out model home rented for a single day of shooting by the producers.

Chantal walks her man into her parents’ impossibly huge mansion of a house. In this moment, I’m more interested in what these people do for a living than whether or not they’ll embrace Brad as a son-in-law. I hope they’re bloggers. Brad, Chantal, and the clan sit down at a dinner table borrowed from the set of The King’s Speech and pour wine from crystal carafes. Mom and Dad pay as much attention to Brad as their prescription-pill-induced apathy will allow, their botox-injected faces frozen into accommodating grins. Chantal and her father leave the table so that she can tell him in private that she definitely had that “feeling” when she first looked upon Brad, prompting Daddy to wistfully recall the elusive sensation of human emotion and insist that he felt that feeling once, too, long before the rigor mortis set in and he became a mere shell of the man he once was. In response to Chantal’s tacit request for his blessing, her father is all, “Yeah, a quick on-camera chat with Brad about his family and a cold exchange of clichés about capitalism and the value of working your way up in this country should totally do the trick.” Brad and Dad have their requisite sit-down and tour of the mansion halls before the old man gives his “total blessing” to the impending union. Dad says, “We may not see you ever again,” before he underscores his full support for the couple’s likely verbal commitment to wed. I love how realistic Chantal’s father is. Either he and his wife must soon return permanently to the public wax museum in their attic, or he can already tell that Chantal’s new address will be a 5 x 7 clothes closet in an Austin loft. Either way, he doesn’t want to fool himself.

It’s on to some place in Maine called Madawaska, where Ashley awaits to show Brad the sights. I’m finally realizing why I neither enjoy nor care about Ashley. I think it’s because she’s intensely, relentlessly obnoxious. That has to be it. Ashley starts the day by chattering and bouncing around in a restaurant while introducing Brad to the French-Canadian dish of poutine, consisting of french fries topped with cheese and brown gravy. The background actors at the surrounding tables look especially wooden and uncomfortable as they mime sipping coffee and sharing idle conversation. Brad and Ashley order their dish, each of them visibly thrilled to be trying fried food for the first time. What arrives at the table is a gloppy, gooey mess of disappointment, much like the sticky gob of forced chemistry bonding the two lovebirds together.

Brad and his spunky mate decide to purchase large Maine lobsters for their family dinner. At the market, Ashley is greeted by a live crustacean and leaps back as if she’s never encountered such a creature in her life. It’s apparent that she’s never been to this city before today; I’m reminded of Sarah Palin’s Alaska, featuring a Blackberry-addicted ex-governor attempting various outdoors activities for the very first time while repeatedly assuring viewers of her prowess. Ashley leads Brad into her quaint home, where her siblings and parents fawn over the couple with a desperation I’d never have thought to imagine. Ashley says to the camera that this is “the closest [she’s] ever felt to being in love with Brad.” Catch up to the other contestants, lady! This is a sprint, not a marathon!

Ashley’s soon-to-be-brokenhearted relatives are way too chipper for my tastes, but sitting at the head of the table is the most bewilderingly handsome mountain man in the northeast, so I’ll allow it. Still, we need a new phrase for “trying too hard.” At least a couple of them remind Brad that he should be prepared for Ashley to finish her dentistry schooling, despite his plans for them. Brad does not like that idea; he was under the impression that his proposal would automatically and irrevocably erase any preexisting hopes and aspirations of his betrothed. At the end of the evening, Ashley’s parents welcome Brad to their family, “whatever the outcome is,” which is a stark contrast to Chantal’s father stating that he’ll probably never lay eyes on his potential son-in-law again, even if he were to join the family for good. Beggars can’t be choosers; Ashley’s folks seem like they’ve been trying to unload her for quite some time. Yes, I’ve heard that chihuahuas are high maintenance pets.

Shawntel is up next, granting Brad a tour at her funeral home in Chico, California, where she immediately places him on an embalming table for a lengthy demonstration. This seems like a smart thing to do with a man whose only reservation about marrying you is your unfortunate occupation as a funeral director. While Shawntel describes cremation, I realize I’ve been grinning sadistically throughout this scene. Brad admits to being supremely unsettled by the concept of death, but Shawntel goes on blabbing about how she’s elbow-deep in the guts of the deceased on a daily basis and how much she loves the smell of formaldehyde in the morning. I fully expect Brad to give her that old speech about how even though there’s no rose on this date, he’d like her to head for the limo right now, since he sees them more as great friends than life partners. Because he came all this way, after all, he decides to bite the bullet and meet Shawntel’s folks. It’s just a formality at this point.

Shawntel’s father seems blindsided by her participation in this game, as he spends the whole night talking about how his family funeral home must be handed down, and he won’t hear of Shawntel moving to Austin and leaving the community behind. Apparently, during her little vacation in L.A., Las Vegas, Costa Rica, and Anguilla, a former schoolteacher’s son passed away prematurely, and Shawntel and her professional skills were greatly missed. I’m now praying silently that Brad has mercy on this poor girl’s family and sends Shawntel packing at the next rose ceremony. Chico needs her. She can’t desert her friends and neighbors for a promised but unlikely marriage. Don’t continue to lead her on, I plead to Brad’s face on my screen. (As a seasoned reality show viewer, I do realize that Shawntel’s time in Chico has already come to an end and I’m only deluding myself that her father has any hope of reconnecting with the daughter he’s loved for so long. She’ll be back in L.A. on Dancing with the Stars next season.) In a conversation with Shawntel’s mother, Brad hesitantly drawls, “I sure do care about her an awful lot” in the casual but tender tone generally reserved for a trusty steed back on his farm in downtown Austin, so I’m pretty sure I’ll get my wish.

It’s Emily’s turn in Charlotte, North Carolina. In her case, there are no parents or siblings in sight. I’m a little upset that she and her young daughter had to wait patiently for the cameramen to set up their equipment before running toward each other in a field of grass and flowers for their emotional reunion. Emily quickly tells her little girl that she’ll soon be meeting a new friend that Mommy made while she was away. “I wasn’t going to put you on the spot like this, sweetie pie; I had decided not to let him meet you yet. But then Mommy was told to revisit that little contract thing she signed and she realized that she didn’t have a choice! Here, honey, this is my new friend Brad,” she explains. Emily’s mini-me isn’t buying it until Brad gives her a butterfly kite, which would win over even the strongest of us. They fly the kite around and continue to put the shy child on the spot by asking her forcefully why she isn’t into the whole thing. She caves to the pressure and giggles once or twice, which is enough to convince Brad that he’s ready to be her new dad.

Emily takes Brad to her house and wonders to the camera if he’ll be okay with the “simplicity” of her life. The editors swiftly cut to reveal the most elaborately, opulently decorated playroom I have ever seen. It’s where Marie Antoinette’s children would have opted to spend their leisure time had they not been confined to that stuffy castle. The new makeshift family plays on the floor, and Brad seems sincerely honored to be a part of the evening, stating that he is ready to be a husband and father, that this is his absolute dream. I kind of believe him, to my own surprise. Once the little princess is tucked into bed, Emily and Brad can settle in on the couch to chat. Brad, out of respect for the sleeping girl upstairs, refuses to make out with Emily. He can’t imagine kissing her while her daughter is so close and innocently dreaming, unaware that her mother has just spent several weeks in a competition for a reality star’s prop engagement ring. Brad apologizes for not being physically affectionate and reassures Emily that he hasn’t lost interest. Okay, now I want to marry this guy. That’s the most integrity he’s displayed so far. I can’t wait for my chance in round three of his search for a wife. Alas, Emily gets her way in the end. I literally say, “Awwww!” out loud as she attacks him with a kiss in the doorway before saying good night. What has this show done to me? I have no fight left in these old bones.

The rose ceremony is too much to take this week. All of the women look gorgeous and sleek as they silently await the announcement of their fate. As we already suspected, Shawntel’s journey ends here. Brad doesn’t scapegoat her family or her dad’s business for his own disinterest; he tells Shawntel that he just doesn’t feel the spark, and he’d hate to let her proceed any further with false hope. Shawntel cries daintily and exits with class, bemoaning the fact that she’ll likely never meet another man who treats her as well as Brad did. I hope she encounters a suitor with the budget, resources, and date-planning staff of a major television network, because she deserves all the happiness she seeks.

NEXT WEEK: The helicopters are back- this time in South Africa!

Season 15, Episode 8: original airdate February 21, 2011.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8/7c.

Not the monogamous type? Read “The Final Four” by Liz Cooper

Images courtesy of Rick Rowell and ABC.

 

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