The Bachelor Review: Exotic Liaisons and Covert Operations

This week on The Bachelor: eight women travel to Costa Rica in the hopes of snagging whatever passes as Brad Womack’s heart, and I futilely attempt to resist the urge to care who succeeds. We’re getting down to the wire, as they say, and Brad is visibly aware of the situation in which he’s placed himself. It’s almost time to pick the woman with whom he will pretend to spend the rest of his life. There is no turning back.

We begin with Brad asserting that Costa Rica is “by far one of the most beautiful places” he’s ever been. I ponder that curious choice of words for a few seconds before realizing that it’s a telling indication of Brad’s general lack of commitment. Costa Rica has won out over other locations “by far” as “one of the most beautiful.” I hope for the sake of the winner that his final declaration of love is more conclusive.

The pack joins Brad in paradise, and Ashley H. refers to their grand luxury villa, complete with a hot tub and infinity pool, as “organic.” I’m sure the natives would concur. Chantal has the honor of receiving the first one-on-one date with Brad, which obviously consists of a helicopter and some zip lining in the jungle. Why must there be some sort of physical challenge aspect to every single date? Is this what the female audience wants to see? Even the shopping excursion from last week felt like a mad dash against the clock. Chantal and Brad dutifully complete their zip line activity in the rain before proceeding to the inevitable picnic setup on the jungle floor, which is also rained out. They run for cover into Brad’s bedroom, where Chantal exchanges her dress for one of his white, button-down shirts. The two unshakable optimists sit down to discuss how much stronger and more real their relationship has just become after jointly facing the obstacle of precipitation, which is an insurmountable hurdle for the rest of us. Chantal eagerly, desperately convinces Brad that she will no longer question him or his feelings for her, then admits to the viewers that she has fallen in love tonight. Her reward is a single red rose and immunity from elimination.

Now, we get to share in some group date shenanigans with Ashley H., Britt, Jackie, Shawntel, Emily, and the illustrious Michelle. Surprise of surprises: the action team will be rappelling down the side of a waterfall for their romantic outing with Brad. Jackie cries that she is so afraid of heights that she doesn’t even ride ferris wheels. I wonder why she didn’t use another example to underscore her supposedly crippling level of fear; I’m only marginally afraid of heights, and ferris wheels are still pretty intimidating to me. I think that’s part of the thrill, but I haven’t been on one yet. Fascinating story, I know, but let’s get back to the show. If you’ll remember from a previous episode, Brad has made a pact with Michelle to never, ever rappel down anything with anyone else, so he fulfills his promise by completing the task at her side instead of letting her go it alone. The other bachelorettes are understandably jealous and upset. By now, I think our disbelief is no longer suspended when it comes to Michelle’s candidacy for the win. She has served her purpose. She was the wild card, the crazy one, the one we all loved to playfully dismiss; I can’t for one minute believe that Brad has any genuine interest in her. For whatever reason, she has felt the need to play up her delusions for the camera, and the producers have foolishly insisted on keeping her around for a suspiciously inappropriate amount of time. Her continued presence undermines any shred of legitimacy that this show had left. I would literally pay any amount of money (up to twenty-five dollars) to see her disappear from my television screen at once.

Following the group date, everyone convenes to await the gifting of the rose. Brad can’t make up his mind among the ladies, so no one receives the coveted prize. Just moments ago, Michelle very helpfully delivered her thousandth nagging lecture to Brad about how he’s an idiot to keep any of these other women around, so she’s shocked to be leaving the date empty-handed. She even managed to cry a little bit, which should be great for her acting reel. Comedian Dana Gould likens reality television to be “a picture of a drawing of a hologram.” As a similar sense of illusiveness can be ascribed to soap opera programming, I think Michelle has a promising career ahead of her.

Our poor dear Alli is at long last called upon for her first one-on-one date with the bachelor himself, and Goofus arrives gallantly on horseback to pick her up. We have just witnessed Alli scream bloody murder upon seeing a small black beetle on a table in the villa, so we’re not astonished to learn that her evening will involve traveling to an insect-filled cave armed only with a flashlight. When did The Bachelor turn into Fear Factor: Extreme Dating Edition? I bet ABC’s bug budget was astronomical; they even threw in a few live bats just for the hell of it. The adventure culminates in a gloomy, foggy meal atop a tiny piece of land in the middle of a swamp. Brad could not be more bored by Alli’s small talk over dinner. To be fair, Alli is the epitome of bland in this scene, but I didn’t know Brad had the cajones to accuse anyone of lacking wit or personality. You’d think he’d take care to act as if those things don’t exist in mere mortals, but he goes on complaining, anyhow. In response to Alli telling him that she could easily spend everyday by his side, Brad lets her know that he has no interest in her, despite their “very strong friendship.” Raise your hand if you think this treasured bond will be maintained through regular telephone chats and coffee dates following the end of this experience. Alli is denied the rose and sent packing. She cries in the limo and warns all the men out there that her standards have been raised after dating Brad. I hate to say it, Alli, but Brad never voluntarily dated you, strictly speaking, so it may be a bit premature to go around whittling down your prospects by expecting everyone else to measure up to the very guy who just rejected you. Does that make sense? I know; I’m sorry. I think I just lost my feminist card.

Ok, in the immortal words of James Franco, “Can we cut this; this is getting stupid.” Please stop pushing Michelle on us. Please. Now she’s knocking on Brad’s bedroom door in the dead of night in order to complain yet again about the other contestants who she deems less entitled to participate in the charade to which she’s so stubbornly committed. Brad gently reminds Michelle that he doesn’t like to be told what to do, but I think she’s under the impression that her bossiness is sexy and dangerous when it’s just relentlessly, obnoxiously off-putting. This unannounced visit is just a preview of how intrusive and tactless Michelle would be as a mate, so I can’t imagine Brad will keep her around after tonight. I’m sure he won’t let me down. He seems wise enough.

I’m done caring whether Michelle is a savvy star in the making or a tragic whack-job, but the other bachelorettes are just coming to terms with their own intense dislike of her during the cocktail party. Once they’ve learned that Michelle crossed the line and secretly visited the bachelor in his private quarters after nightfall, they can never hope to trust her again. Also during cocktail hour: Shawntel and Brad play the “silent game” by quietly kissing on a bench, Emily promises to give Brad more of a chance to bring down her defenses, and Chantal tells Brad that she loves him. I curse myself for not gagging at the very suggestion. I actually think Chantal is gorgeous and strikingly earnest, so I shouldn’t hate her for being transparent. As she points out, her possession of a rose means that she has nothing more to gain by declaring her love in this moment. Is there something I can do to more effectively ward off any un-ironic human emotion that this show might provoke in me? Really, I welcome any and all advice.

During the rose ceremony, Jackie is told to kick rocks, while everyone else gets to stick around. Jackie leaves graciously and cries in the limo. Did Chris Harrison trek all the way to Costa Rica just to gesture at the final rose? What a life, right? This guy has been laughing all the way to the bank for several years now. No matter who wins, he comes out on top. I can’t be mad at that.

NEXT WEEK: Chris Harrison follows the pack to Anguilla. When does South Africa happen?

Season 15, Episode 6: original airdate Monday, February 7, 2011.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8pm on ABC.

Can’t get enough manipulated romance? Check out Liz Cooper’s review here.

Images courtesy of Rick Rowell and ABC.